Here is where I am with my infidelity. I had an affair with a woman at my office. My wife caught e on 3 seperate occassions. I have never felt worse. I have never felt likeless of a man. I am leaving my career to pursue a position in a new industry with a new company. What else canI do to make my wife feel at ease in our marriage and truly show remorse?

Hi and Welcome to MB,

Weekends are somewhat slow, I think because this is a holiday weekend, it is even slower.

You have already done one thing, looking for a new job.

Write a NC (No Contact) letter, let your wife read it and mail it to the OW. That will help to tell your W that you are serious about making your M work. Stick to the NC.

Make your life an open book. You have destroyed the trust she had in you. You need to earn it back. That will take a long time.

Be honest with you W about all her questions. If you don't, she will think you are trying to protect the OW.

Give your W time to heal. She will need it.

Be sincere in your answers.

I read the book Surviving an Affair, I found it very helpful, you and your W might also.

Find a MC who is pro marriage.

I've heard that Dr. Harley is very good. I cannot afford them, other MB'ers have had lots of praise for them. It would be phone counseling, and it is not covered by insurance.

Good luck with repairing your M

I assume that you still work with this other woman? What precautions are you taking until you leave your job to ensure that the affair does not start again, to ensure that you NEVER have contact of any kind with the OW again or are at least never alone with her again at work and what are you doing to prove to your wife that the affair is over and there is no contact?

One of the biggest predictors of marital recovery is talking. Couples who discuss the affair to the satisfaction of the BS (betrayed spouse) are the most likely to heal and have a good solid marriage after an affair. My counselor told me that when a person cheats, their punishment is to have to listen to their spouse express their anger over and over until it is gone and to have to answer their questions over and over until the BS has no more questions.

And remember that when a person lies to protect, it does not protect. It only serves to prove that they cannot be trusted. So tell the truth… no matter how hurtful it may be. Believe me, the truth is easier to take then the things our imagination can conjure up.

This is not a punishment put on the WS (wayward spouse) just to extract revenge. It is simply the way the human mind and heart work… it is the shortest road to recovery for the BS. And I believe for the WS too. I know this is what my H and I did after I discovered his affairs. He was man enough to help me through this horrible time. Between that and living the MB concepts we are in a very good recovery.. have been for over 2 years now.

I am still pretty new here. We are only 33 days since recovery. As a BS, I can only tell you the things that my H has been doing to help me through this.

We talk alot...as much as I need to. He admits that he would rather just move on, but understands my need to talk about it sometimes. He answers my questions even when the answers are painful. I think I ask them because I know that it is painful for him to tell me some things--and that is a way of punishing him. And also to see if he is being honest.

His job is not one that requires him to be any particular place at any one time, so he calls me more frequently to let me know what is going on. He also got a new cell phone because the old one was unreliable and also served as a great excuse as to why I can't reach him.

We filled out the emotional needs questionaire to become more in tune with each others needs and are working on those.

He lets me know how much he loves me and is glad and feels lucky that I want to work on our marriage.

Good Luck.

I sincerley appreciate all the advice. My wife has gone to her parents over the last week, and will be home this weekend. I am truly excited at the thought of being near her again. It has been a very hard week for me, as I realize the complete end results of my actions. A note: The OW is the Director of my firm's HR division. I am going to go ahead with the No COntact letter and see how interviews with new firms go this week. I am truly lost right now and having my wife return home will be a tremendous peace to my soul.

What I'm about to say is not to get you emotionally down or discouraged, but when your W returns, don't expect that all is going to be forgotten and forgiven. She is very, very hurt and she is not going to beleive anything you say to her. This is normal, it part of the emotional rollercoaster, and you are going to have to have a lot of patience and understanding because this is part of her personal recovery. But most of all show humility and DO NOT try to defend yourself or argue with her, for she needs to vent her pain with you. Read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair','Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as the e-mail book titled Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair written for WS(wayward spouses) like yourself (it's cheap, only $5.00).

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>