I have been lurking here a while, but recent events have pushed me to post. I feel like going to bed and never waking up but that won’t help my four-year old daughter. I will fill in more details later but found out about 6 months ago that my W was having an EA with a man at work. She agreed to end it and did, but a few months ago I discovered she was in another EA with another man at work. She also finally admitted to a multi-year PA with a very wealthy ex-boss which ended about 4 years ago, about the time our daughter was born. She would meet him for "dinner" every few months with my approval. I thought I was demonstrating how much I trusted her. What a fool. We have been working hard over the past 2 months and have had some wonderful times, prolific (daily) sex and true intimacy and communication. The most recent good time was last weekend when we spent the whole time together with our daughter, my older daughter, and some of the time with my parents at the Royal Botanical Gardens and a local swim park. At the risk of alienating some readers, I will also tell that we went to a movie and for coffee on Saturday night. We wanted to be naughty so she went in a long summer dress with no underwear (the first time we've ever done this) and we "played" in the theater, the coffee shop, and the car. Very erotic.

Two weeks ago today (Friday) she arranged and carried through a rendezvous with the OM where they consummated the ‘friendship’ despite what looked like real progress and regular expressions of love from her. I found out about it the very next day. She came home in the early afternoon on Saturday and initiated passionate sex with me that evening. She lied about going to a friend's cabin for thinking time but actually met OM at nearby hotel. They had been graphically talking about what they wanted to do to each other via email for months. My W is extremely uninhibited and our SL has been incredible, but now she was sharing that with OM instead. I am a computer expert and had broken into her "secure" email accounts so I know everything they did together in graphic detail, they talked about how wonderful it was for days afterwards in emails. Even so I tried to work things out and last week she sent me an email promising that if I did one thing, which I will describe later on, she would end ALL contact with OM. I did and she did, but less than 24 hours later she was contacting him by email again. She told me about this later in the day, confessed to a “problem” she couldn't handle alone (She admitted to sleeping with an old boyfriend while engaged to her first husband), agreed to contact our old Pastor (who I have been talking with over this), get counseling and promised to enlist her closest female friend (who despises affairs) to help keep her on track when she is tempted. On Sunday after our great weekend she promised me that if she was tempted she would call me, not OM for support, but Monday am before 10 she emailed him and asked if he was suffering as much as her. He replied, but when she came home at lunch she denied contacting him. I gave her several opportunities to come clean but when she didn’t I withdrew. Big Mistake (LB). That night when I got home from work there was a letter on the mirror saying that she had decided she was making the wrong choice, that she realized she had never really loved me ‘properly’ else she wouldn’t have cheated on me, that she should have left me after her first PA, and that she wanted a divorce.

We have been together for 14Y, married for 11. I am 45, she is 40, OM is 36. We were both battered spouses in first marriages. Last year I realized and it was diagnosed that I have suffered from clinical depression since my early 20’s and it has damaged my marriage. On meds now but I am still ready to die right now. I was a successful IT professional till end of 2001 when IT market collapsed and have been out of work since. Went from 150K/yr to zero. W had to take a 30K/yr job and resents having to leave our daughter. This has been the biggest strain for W and what I promised her last week was that I would take anything as long as it was work. I found some temp light industrial right away so she followed thorough on her promise to cut-off OM completely, but obviously it didn’t last.

I still pray for a miracle, even if it means letting her A run its course, but I am dying inside. I am so lonely, she has someone to turn to to hold her but I don’t. I know it is wrong but I want to reach out to another woman just for the support and to take the pain away. I have been talking to a Pastor, and went to a very good Christian cousellor just once but I can't afford to see her again.

We have been through a lot together, my W has been ill since just after we got together. Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia, uterine cancer survivor, a multiple sclerosis scare. Late last year she was diagnosed with the mildest but still deadly form of leukemia. Her doctor said 5-15 years, but doctor is hopeful of a cure before then. Our daughter was born following a miraculous surgery after many doctors had declared pregnancy would be impossible for her. 2 months in she broke her tailbone and was on bedrest till daughter was born. Late last year we had to sell our house and move out of town to something we could afford but it's still been a financial struggle. I know everything she and we have been through has been a strain on her, and at 40 she is probably also experiencing a mid-life crisis, but we were supposed to grow old together.

Is anybody out there?

Your letter is very very sad. It seems pretty clear that your wife is a serial cheater who has a pattern of continuously cheating and putting your health at great risk. It is doubtful that she will stop. I would seriously have a paternity test on your child since it is reasonable to assume it may be the child of her boss. Your believe that you should let the affair continue until it ends is unsound. Even if it ends she will no doubt go into another affair.
It is sad that you are willing to continue to accept this emotional abuse from your wife. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why would you wish to stay in a marriage where your wife continues to have contant sexual affairs with other men and continues to lie to your face and cheat on you?
If the roles were reversed do you really think your wife would continue to accept such humiliation and disrespect? Why do you feel you deserve such abuse? Plase see a therapist and contact a lawyer about your options. I wish you luck. You deserve better than this.

I too was married to a serial cheater, and it took its toll on me and our young daughters, until I finally woke up and realized that I could not do anything to help her stop, and I divorced her. Ironically, it was the divorce that was instrumental (according to my XW's words) in her hitting rock bottom and getting treatment for her to recover from her clinical depression and sexual addiction.

Divorce is NEVER painless but sometimes it is the best choice considering the practically insurmountable circumstances one deals with a spouse who is an addicted serial cheater.

Dear Slarti,

It must be difficult enough dealing with one A from her, but multiple is just too much. I pray you make the right decision.

Do you feel you have to stay because she has so many illnesses? And possible MLC?

Please take care of yourself and them girls.

Ladysheep

My advice is rather simple. One word, "Run". The life you have had with your wife is just terible. You would sacrifice your dignity and health for moments of false happiness. "Not Good"
If what you are saying is true then you have no choice and it should be clear to you the choice that you must make.
It is very hard to see things as they are when in the tunnel, but from those of us on the outside looking in yhour marriage in every sense of the word is over. You have been given an opertunity to rebuild your life. Grab it.
A

I am really sorry to hear how sad a life you have,
I am sure the pastor told you, you have the right to divorce her. she has committed adultry, and she is going to bring destruction to herself...and to you..she is driving you crazy.
with her promiscuious behaviour..

She probably will die in her sin..

while you are aware of all this and wanting to curl up and die..I too felt that way and didn't realize how close to death I was... in one more week I would have been dead if my daughter hadn't insisted on my going to the doctors..

please..don't just lay around..because doing nothing also takes it's toll on our bodies..
at least get up and move around, paint a room..
go for a walk, join a walking club. go to promise keepers look up on the internet..they are having a mens meeting in Oregon the first week of aug..

but meanwhile go look at where there are other conferences near you...and please consider going..do this for you..only for you..have integrity be a real man..please do not give into the call of the world and the lust it is not the way..perhaps you lost everything to come to this place in life so you will reach out to God..please let HIM meet your needs..check this out..ok...Keep on Keeping on!!..

Promise Keepers

LEAVE HER! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She probably will die in her sin..
Won't we all?