I have been reading these posts for the last few weeks and have found some comfort. Tonight I need some help, guidance, something...

Seven months ago I found out my H was having an affair. It had been going on for about three months. After lots of tears on both our parts, he said his famiy was more important, and said he would end it. We started going to counseling and it seemed that we were communicating better. Little did I know, that after a week of having cut of the A, they started seeing each other again. Two months later, he left. Said he didn't want to be married anymore. 18 years was long enough. He said it had nothing to do with the OW (at this point I did not know they were together again.) A week later he confessed that they were still together.

We saw each other often and were intimate a few times. OW found out about one and dumped him. He was devastated and fought hard to get her back. He did but it did not last long. They are still in touch but are no longer together. I really don't know why????

I have not asked him to come home since about 2 or 3 weeks since he left. We have gone out a few times for dinner and drinks and have been intimate a few times. We often talk about getting a chance to do the things we didn't do when we were younger. We married young and had a daughter right away. But if we do this "date and see" thing, I would expect it to be exclusive, he does not.

I am convinced he is going through a MLC. He agrees. He says he wants to have some fun and meet different women. He says he has this craving in him and he has to go with it. He is even talking about the desire to have a son. He says he's getting old and wants to have one before it's too late!!! He'll do it with me or without me.

There are a few things that have remained constant in the last 7 months 1 - his desire to be young and "know" different women; 2 - he says he loves me (what a joke) and doesn't want to lose me. He hopes that I will wait this out!!!

I don't know what to do!!!! Do I go to Plan B?? I did this before (without knowing that this is what I was doing). When I tried to stop communicating with him, he begged and begged not to shut him out.

There is another issue. I make more money than he does as he is self employed. He has struggled with his business for some time and feels that he does not contribute much to our household. He says that I would be better off without him. He was feeling really down a few days ago and he called me because he was "freaked out". I think sometimes he has thoughts of suicide when he is feeling like a "loser". (That's what he calls himself sometimes.)

He's a good guy but he's turned into this person I don't even know. We have been the best of friends for 18 years. I miss him like crazy but he is like a kid having a temper tantrum.

Please help me out folks! What do I do?

Have you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' yet? If you haven't, I highly recommend that you do so ASAP. Also read all the articles on this website.

It sounds like your WH(wayward husband) is a cake walker who enjoys having two women satisfying all his needs, AND he is not willing to end all contact with the OW and commit to rebuilding the marriage. At this point, going to Plan B is advisable for preserving what love you have left for him which is going to be essential if and when he does decide to end all contact with the OW and is willing to commit to rebuild the marriage. Marital recovery cannot start without those two conditions first being met, and if and when he does express a desire to meet them. In the Harley book 'Surviving An Affair' there is a copy of the Plan B letter Jon gave to his WW Sue which you can adapt to your situation.

You've seen firsthand that it is not enough to accept the word of your WH that he wants to end all contact with the OW and commit to rebuild the marriage, because he is like most WS that want to have both spouse and OP and not give up one or the other. The old saying 'actions speak louder than words' is so true when it comes to dealing with a cake walking WS. So what can you do? Stand firm and do not accept anything less than actions with respect of ending all contact with the OW forever, and to commit to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage oriented professional (i.e. Steve Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, or Penny Tupi (our in house MB resident coach who goes by the username of Cerri) AND strict following of the principles embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage . These two conditions should be an absolute must for him to follow BEFORE you allow him to come back home, otherwise you run the risk of repeating history with another false recovery.

At this point, I don't even think its about the OW. I think right now its about the freedom to live this lifestyle he is craving. He comes from a dysfunctional home where his father had relationships with various women and has a bunch of kids. Somehow he thinks he's less of a man because he's been married for so long (with the same woman all these years) and only has one child (even though that was a decision we BOTH made). What's really scary is that once I give up, there is no more hope, I think.

Thanks for the recommendations. I will look through them and order them ASAP.

Well, here I am working late and checking to see if anyone had anything to add.

My WH and I had always been very open with each other. That stopped about a year ago and has begun since he moved out. Is there a time when too much honesty is bad?

Also, should I take the fact that he says he loves me, misses me, knows we could work things out if it wasn't for this "phase" he is going through, as a positive sign? Or am I just fooling myself and living a pipe dream.

You would never guess that I am an independant, strong willed, and otherwise confidant woman!!! I feel like such a fool.