I found out my wife was seeing someone on the side for approx 5 months. I started having suspicions about a month ago and confirmed it last thursday. Obviously, I am very hurt. I love my wife deeply and want to work things out. She says she does too. Although I am very angry, I also want to protect her from embarassment and have not spoken to anyone about this. I also think I am shielding myself from embarassment because I'm the victim. She also claims that they were never intimate sexually, just kissing and hugging and the relationship was primarily about talking about problems. The guy that she was cheating on me with is someone from her work. I know him and his wife. I guess my question is should I tell his wife? If I do, I feel like I'll be doing her a service...and of course, it will give me some satisfaction too. On the other hand, then word will get out and my wife will be embarassed...I dont really want to do that...I guess I know what my answer is, but I wanted to see other's opinions. Thanks for listening...

Telling his wife will not make you feel much better, in fact you most likely will be met with un belief. My best friend told me my H was have an A and I called her a lier. If you want to confront someone, it should be him. He is the one you should be upset with. Men and Women who enter A take the responsibility on themselves, to discount the feelings of the people closest to them. I know your hurting, and nothing but time will ease the pain.

I beg to differ with brokenstarr because Dr Harley himself says that exposure of the A(affair), especially to the OP(other person)spouse, is essential to its demise, so yes do tell his W because not do so is to enable the continuation of the A. Also, after d-day a lot of WS(wayward spouses) tell the BS(betrayed spouse) that they want to 'work' on the marriage but more often than not it is just lip service to calm the BS. So by telling his W about his A with your W, he's going to be under her watchful eye and (if he doesn't want to divorce his W) he is going to stay away from your W. Without secrecy most affairs days are numbered.

Is your W willing to quit her job? I ask because marital recovery cannot start without first ending all contact with her OM, and in your W's case it means quitting her job. If she continues working with him, her feelings for him will not subside and this will sabotage all efforts to rebuild the marriage.

Thanks for replying. I expect that I would be met with disbelief, but I have cell phone records logging calls to his various phone numbers and a emails to him that I was able to intercept. I also did confront him at his work...expressed my anger, asked him questions, called him names, belittled him...but I refrained from punching his lights out. Now I am regretting that I didnt. Since I am reluctant to tell his wife to protect my wife, I feel compelled to confront him again and do it. I just cant stand the thought of that SOB not having any consequences. My stomach is in knots...

Yes you should tell his wife.

Do not worry about embarrassing your wife or yourself. They have already embarrassed themselves. You will find out once things come out in the open that many people were aware of the affair and protected it by not telling either you or his wife. They will say they did it because it was none of their business, they did not want to get involved, or because they did not want to hurt either you or his wife.

In my case I feel that the people who helped my ex-husband conduct his affairs by helping him keep his secrets are accessories to his affair. I have severed all friendships with them. Who needs ‘friends’ who would not advise my H to not continue his behavior and who did not help to protect me.

Have you read the book “Surviving An Affair”? That is the place to start. Has your wife ended all contact with the OM (other man)? It is essential for marital recovery. This will probably mean that she quit her job if at all possible and then find a new one. One of the main concepts of the MB philosophy is that affairs have a limited life span.. Generally 6 months to 2 years. Affairs require secrecy to exist. If you remove the vale of secrecy and put pressure on it, it will die sooner. So yes do tell his wife.

You also need to confront him in either writing or in person to ask him to end the affair and give your marriage a chance to recover. I’d be very tempted to do this in writing as I’d be concerned that I would not be able to hold my temper and/or the situation would escalate to the point at which I would not get to say all that I needed to say.

If you do tell his wife make sure you provide some very concrete evidence if you have it. This way she cannot deny it. It’s also wise to provide her with a copy of the book “Surviving an Affair”. Your best bet is if she will also put pressure on her husband to leave his job and end contact with your wife.

So again, read the book “Surviving an Affair” as soon as you can. Take a look at my signature block. You will find a link in my signature block to the new comers welcome and to a thread on Plan A and door mats. Those are also very helpful reading.

You can explain to your W that the reason you want to tell his W is not revenge but so that he will aware that he is now going to be watched by her and you. Nothing blows an OM's desire to continue persuing a married woman, better than to know that his W has been informed about his activities.

Thanks for all of your replies. This is my first visit to the website. Since I have not talked to anyone other than my wife, it is therapeutic to hear your opinions...

My wife has said she is willing to quit her job. She works in a hospital. The OM has been transferred to another hospital a month ago, but it is still close by and they still made efforts to see each other. I know that strong feelings cant just be turned off...so I am worried even though she is saying the right things. She is also reacting to me the right way...she is willing to talk to me about their relationship and answer my questions. She is willing to go to counseling. But am I an idiot for wanting to protect her reputation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SRS:
<strong> But am I an idiot for wanting to protect her reputation?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guarantee others both have worked with have suspected something was going on between them already. People see the signs of attraction between others.

Wow this hits close to home. I found out about my W's A March 3, 2003. It was with her former coworker and had pretty much fizzled out by this January mostly because she went on maternity leave and left the place in May 02. I quickly found out his name, his wife's name and her place of employment. Since my wife had instantly professed her love to me and wanted to seek counseling when I found out I didn't trust her and threatened to tell this guy's wife. I kept track of her emails (with a keylogger spyware) and made sure she started telling me where she was every instant of the day. Her late nights out ended abruptly. I even emailed the guy to let him know that I now knew about their inner office thing and that I wasn't going to A tell his wife unless he made contact and B not inform his boss that they had a supervisor messing with one of the paralegals under his supervision. I got the guys attention real quick. 4 months later and I feel good that i didn't tell his wife since it gives me, in a way, a feeling of moral superiority to the whole mess. My wife swears she and the guy only had one night of sexual contact which didn't include actual intercourse which the guy backed up in an email. My wife and I have now been to counseling for 3 months and all is completely different now. I am actually starting to trust her again. Still trying to get to the point where I forgive her but not there yet. I haven't emailed the guy in over 2 months which I guess will be the last time. From the sound of his emails and hearing from some of her other ex coworkers the guy is an emotional mess. He syas he is in constant worry that i will freak and tell his wife anyway. I like knowing he feels that way, lol. Sorry, I know it is bad but I like it. The last post before mine hit the nail on the head also. My wife still swears nobody in their office knew. Well when you work with someone for over a year and have an EA and a part time PA with someone in the office it is obvious. They may have kept their mouths shut but it was because they were both married and they should have known better. Good luck on your recovery.

I agree with the others that telling the OM's wife is a good thing since it will preclude him from still contacting your wife since his wife will be watching him very closely. I wonder if your wife has told you the whole truth. For 5 months they have been hugging and kissing? After the break up he is still trying to contact her at times? It does not sound or act like it was only hugging and kissing. Most of the time the cheating spouse will not tell the truth for fear of repercussions and hurting the betrayed spouse. I would take what your wife told you with a large grain of salt. I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong>For 5 months they have been hugging and kissing? After the break up he is still trying to contact her at times? It does not sound or act like it was only hugging and kissing. Most of the time the cheating spouse will not tell the truth for fear of repercussions and hurting the betrayed spouse. I would take what your wife told you with a large grain of salt. I wish you luck.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didnt want to say it......but I agree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SRS~
The BIGGEST mistake that I made (in my 1st marriage) was in protecting my x from embarrassment and myself from acknowledging the humiliation I felt the FIRST time he cheated..

Once he figured out that I'd protect him from embarrassment and that *I* felt ashamed of his behavior, he went on to repeat it another 3 times, before he finally left for one of the ow. It took 13 years and 3 children to play out that little dance.

IF I had it to do over, I would have shouted it from the rooftops. I would have told EVERYBODY, instead of NOBODY. When our ws don't have to take the consequences of their actions, they're very likely to repeat them.

Also, please remember that in this day and age of STDs and worse, you pretty much owe it to the om's wife to let her know she should be tested. YOU and your wife should be tested too, as should the om.

As a former BS, who married another former BS (12 years ago), I can only tell you that YOU have nothing to be ashamed of or feel humiliated over. You didn't bring this mess upon yourself. Your ww dropped it in your lap.

I hope you'll really consider telling the om's wife. Her life just may depend on it. Dramatic? Yes...but, it very well COULD have a significant impact on her own health and she's no more deserving of this behavior and its consequences than you are.

BTM

Without a doubt, call her. I'm sure she is also aware of something going on and she probably has information that can fill in the gaps for you.

I still keep in contact with the OP's wife, that is how I know that they are still involved.

If your worried about embarassing her, dont, she did that herself when she decided to have a A.

Rookie

SRS,

I say tell.

My story is similar. W and a co-worker. It was short lived as I found out. PA happened once, but there was kissing and hugging after. I too have stuggled with not using violence. I have not, and I will not, but would still like to. When I started to find stuff out, but not know the whole truth, he called me, sent me e-mails and even came to my house to explain that there was nothing between them. To convince me and to be her brave knight in shining armour. I found the truth through a phone bug. Caught a three hour conversation that laid it all out. Needless to say he did not show up at my home again after I got the truth.

Telling his wife is complicated for me as she was 7 months pregnant. I could not tell her while she was carrying a child, and risk her and her babies health.

I posted on this site as you did back in April, and the group here is very helpful. With their feedback, I formed my decision that I would tell.

The baby was born a few weeks ago so it will be soon. I must say that I still have a problem with the fact that I know I will be hurting her. But, I also have realized that I did not start the A. I do not want to be part of the lie. I believe that she has the right to know. I believe that by putting it in the open, they will have a better chance at long term happiness. I believe that she has the right to form her own decisions with the truth not with lies.

Furthermore, OM claims to have told his W everything. By giving her my facts and the tapes, she will be able to erase doubts she may have as to "was there more".

In my case the OM and my W are fully aware that I will be giving the OM's W the tapes, so he has plenty of time to tell her himself before I do.

As I do not know what she knows, I am doing it in the following fashion. I made a copy of the tapes and wrote a letter with all the info that I know leaving out details and colour comentary. I put those in an envelope. Then I wrote a short note basically saying the truth is enclosed, and she can do with it what she likes. I will hand deliver it to her home, after ensuring that her H is not home (OM within arms reach would not be a good idea). She has never seen me, so will not know it was me till I am long gone, but I must ensure that she receives it.

In the letter I gave her the link to this site, and suggested that she listen to the tape with a close trusted friend or even her WH as it is emotionally graphic. I told her that she would not hear from me again, but gave her my contact info if she needed further clarification. Her choice. The tapes were enclosed as proof that I was not a liar.

I thought about this extensively. Would I want someone to tell me. Absolutely yes. "do unto others as......" There are two cons in a pros and cons scenario. One is that she will be hurt. It is a big one, as she is innocent and I do not want to hurt her, but I did not. The other is that it will re-open the wound in my M with my W. My W is against me telling (an LB), but kind of understands. The pros outweigh the cons.

She has the right to know the truth, and I will not help in covering it up. I also believe that it will help to curve future A's.

Will I get some satifaction that the OM will have to answer to his actions. Yes, but revenge alone would not be enough for me to do this.

As for my M. My WW has shown remorse, and has prescribed to NC. He has contacted her, but she kept it brief and has told me every time. I love her and she loves me. We are working hard on recovery together, and it is working. I do and will consider us to be a success storie.

One of my conditions on going forward with my W was quitting her job without notice. She did not like the fact that the company would suffer because of her actions and wanted to give two weeks notice. I agreed as long as he was not in the building and took off two weeks. The President and VP would have to know as he could still walk into the building at any time, and someone had to know in an attempt to keep them in check. The OM agreed to this. They told, and he was fired in an attempt to keep my W working for the company (This really pissed off the OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). She is still leaving as she is ashamed, but agreed to work there 3 months in order to train a replacement.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I say again, You have nothing to be ashamed of.

So sorry you're here, SRS. But MB is a wonderful place to go to when infidelity strikes your home. I wish I'd had it 12 years ago when H had A#1. I've learned (and grown) so much from MB.

I also wish I'd told EVERYONE about H's year-long affair. But I was ashamed, embarassed, shocked, and trying to protect both of us from more pain. H and OW were both military, so I could've made things really tough. I should have...life got even tougher because I didn't make any waves. H didn't change, but I DID. I ended up having an affair in a mistaken/stupid attempt at regaining self-esteem...or whatever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

All that to say this: OM's wife DESERVES to know. It's not fair to withhold information from her that affects her life to such a HUGE extent. Your wife should not enter into this equation, in my opinion. If there's fallout from telling, that's just one of the MANY consequences from an affair. There MUST be consequences, IMO. Life can be harsh because of our bad decisions, but we should learn from the pain, not try to stuff it down or hide it. My H and I swept it under the rug and didn't learn from it, so the cycle repeated itself several times. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But we finally got it right. Real recovery is possible. It's very hard and takes lots of introspection, change, and patience; but it's so worth it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> God bless you and your wife.

Lori

You need to tell his wife.

It's not only the right thing to do but will add preasure on the affiar to end.

When talking to her remember it's just about the affair contact. Don't get into slamming your wife or her husband. As you will likely get emotional when talking to the other mans wife. I would then suggest only contacting her once a month.

I would suggest not talking to the other man again. He knows your position and nothing can come from repeated contact other than pushing the affair partners togeter - them vs the world - or get yourself in trouble.

As for your wife take some hope in the fact she is still with you and trying to work things out. Mine left and confessed in March. Her affair partner dumped her to go back to his wife in June and my wife has never talked about our problems or the affair to this day. In fact she hasn't talked to me for 5 weeks now.

I contacted the other man, his wife and told my family and friends. Funny thing was how I handled the affair has gained me more respect from family and friends and helped my self worth more than I could have imagined. Take the high road it's always the best road to travel.

SRS,

One more thing on the topic of "punching his lights out" Man so I feel so much like you.

It is not worth it. He will get a black eye and you will get a criminal record. His eye will heal, but the record stays. Not worth it.

Believe me, I was having a huge problem with not breaking the OM's jaw and make him drink soup from a straw for three months. I could have easily. I am bigger and have lots of kick boxing experiance, throw in the rage and it would be no contest.

Do not do that. It is unfair that you cannot, but you will do more harm then good in many ways, and at the end of the day not really feel any better. The rage will subside. Would you want the OM's W to go and beat up your W?

I have chosen to work on my M instead of his face.

DepressedinMemphis,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4 months later and I feel good that i didn't tell his wife since it gives me, in a way, a feeling of moral superiority to the whole mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that ‘moral superiority’ is the wrong term here. You have something on him and are holding it over his head. As time goes on this threat will have little affect because it will become unreal. You see the OM already knew there was a chance his wife could find out but he was willing to accept that risk. That risk still exists. Nothing has changed for him.

You are morally on better ground then he and your wife because you did not have an affair. But, you are on the wrong side of morality. It is immoral to know that someone is being harmed and to not tell them what you know. Since you are withholding the truth and helping the OM lie to his wife, you are now part of the affair cycle.

It saddens me to see that so many people are willing to take the stand of ‘it’s not my business to tell; not my place to tell. Because there is a woman here who is potentially being exposed to STD’s and is being hurt, her family is being destroyed, and no one, not one person will reach out and help her. You are now using his wife, as a pawn in a game that you think will help save your marriage. That is just very sad.

My bet is that your wife is not the only person he’s played around with. Have you seen a doc about STD’s? I know your wife told you that nothing physical really happened, but it might be good to err on the side of caution.

All
Thank you for replying with your thoughts and sharing your experiences. Since I have not talked to anyone about this, this website truly has been an emotional release. I am reading and rereading all of your posts and considering each and everyone one of them. As you all know, this is a difficult situation and I am weighing all the pro's and con's. The one thing that is for sure is that I want to salvage my marriage.

And in response to bill0021 - I had to laugh at your comment on "busting his jaw and making him drink soup through a straw". Not sure how I am doing it, but I am keeping my temper in check. Thanks all...

One other thing SRS

There is a good chance you will not be met by unbelief. The OP's spouse may also have suspicion but nothing firm to work with.

You might find out that the OP's spouse can disclose things like dates and out of town trips that you can compare to what you know and what you suspect.