I am going to comment again as the subject is really on my mind these days, as I will be telling within the next couple of weeks. I will share the experiance when I do.
From the time I knew something was up to the time I found out the truth took 4 hard long weeks. In that time period, I found out something new every few days through thought, investigation, spying and I hate to use this term where my W is concerned, but through interagation and trying to trip her up on previous things she said. All this and still try to trust her and keep out marriage. A delicate act to say the least.
Each new discovery brought new pain and new awareness. How could there be more? How could she do this? Through out the four weeks, even though I was getting closer to the truth and they knew it, the A continued. It was them against me. The more I found out the better they got at hiding it; the more they conspired.
It came to a point where I was just too close and my W broke it off with the OM. It took awhile but she started to get it that she could not continue with both worlds and was trying to break it off with the OM. I know this for fact because of the 3 hour recorded phone conversation. The OM was not letting go, and I had already threatened him. So, I agree with Zorweb when he says that he knows the risks already, but will persist.
I can understand you wanting to hold it over their heads as a threat to keep him away, but again, the OM already knew the risks to start with and will probably take more.
I also agree with stunned-dad, where he states that the OM's W may have doubts but no proof and that there may be more for you to learn. I am not saying that there is more, but only that there could be more. It may serve to give you better peace of mind either way, but be prepared for more.
It is possible that things have to get worse before they get better. My biggest problem was not the A. I could almost see how it is possible to happen for anyone. My biggest hurdle was how could she continue the A when I could not sleep, eat, and all the talking we did for 4 weeks. Stick the knife ever so deeper into my back. MB gave me the understanding on how that was possible. That in turn is making recovery much easier for me.
SRS, you state that you want your M to work. All I am saying is be prepared for more and be prepared to understand. Go above and beyond the call of duty for your M. Some call it unfair that the BS's have to work hard at it as well, but it is our reality.
One thing I could not do because of the OM's W being pregnant was compare notes with her. I did actually speak to her in the beggining, but I had to do so very delicately, with a preamble that I was probably overreacting and the OM already knew the questions, before I spoke to her. I also ended the conversation on a high note and in fact told her that I was over-reacting. In my case, he may have even gotten her to lie for him. Saying that I was a jealous control freak, and if she did not say XYZ I would not believe my W. You have an advantage, whereas you can ally with her for information. Furthermore, she may already know more than you, and is in the same shoes you are in now. Do I, don't I tell?
As for the topic of others in the office knowing. I agree again. Good chance others already know. In fact, men like to brag, not just teenagers, but grown up mature men from all walks of life. Good chance that the OM told others himself to be the big man. In any case, people love gossip and if there is suspition then there are theories already circulating. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
It seems to me that those who do not tell later regret it. I believe if I do not tell, then I am part of the problem, and agree again with posters above me, that it is unfair to just keep quiet. In my case, I am giving the OM plenty of time to spill the beans himself. He knows I am coming and have more than enough proof. It will be better for them. I do not care about the OM, but do her.
As for the broken jaw. Hey we all have our little fantasies. Mouth wired shut for three months, hard to talk, drool all over himself, Gerber strained beans and spinach for dinner, hurts like heck, very visible, non permenant, but lots of time to think about what he did. Ah yah, I love that one. Not worth it to do. Violence is not going to solve anything here but it is nice to day dream sometimes.
