Thanks for this board. I found it while looking for help in my marriage. I am worn out.

I have no choice but to suspect he's cheating. A few years ago, he had an emotional affair. That has been long going, and even though she's out of the picture, I have this lack of trust thing going on. The way he acted toward me was horrible. Always making things to be me, not him. Not taking the blame for anything, even though it's clear that he did it.

Anyway, I thought all was cleared up and things were well between us. But now, I'm catching him in more lies.

Before, when I'd call him, the only time I couldn't reach him was when he was at her house. His cell worked everywhere but there. Bad area or convenience? I don't know.

Now, when I call him, he tells me someone is paging him. Well, he has a Nextel, but no pager. That would mean he can get a page while he's on the phone, right? I recently got a Nextel - the same model he has, and he tried paging me last week, but I was on the phone with my friend, so he called me. I took his call. He told me he tried paging me, but couldn't get through.

So obviously he's been lying about being paged - he was just trying to get me off the phone. Why not just say he's busy and has to go?

There's also the matter of the Fed Ex package. He had an incident where his main office sent a package with pay checks, but because he wasn't there to get it, he now has to sign for it. He claims the office next door can't sign for it. Only he can. Then he hired a guy who would be floating from the main office to his and would be bringing the pay checks, and he wouldn't have to wait. This should be a good thing, right? Nope, he's all upset because he won't see his Fed Ex lady anymore. So, then our daughter was having her awards ceremony at school and asked him to go. He told her he couldn't, he had to wait for a package. His new guy was taking the day off.

I was pissed and told him so. Suddenly, he was able to attend.

Move on to the ladies in the office next door. It's one long building. They trade little Christmas gifts, etc. He said it's a thanks for getting the UPS packages. I said nothing.

A couple of weeks ago, he told me he forgot his lunch box at work. He asked if the kids are using theirs. I told him no. He could use one if he needs it.

Two days later, he tells me about the girls in the office next door, and how he always goes and gets their outgoing mail, and takes it to the box - he started that in the winter and just hasn't stopped. Anyway, he was telling them about the salmon he had just caught and one said she likes it, so he took her some, and when he got his lunchbox back, she had washed it.

I questioned this, as he said he had left it at work. He blew it off. He said he left it, he didn't say why he took it.

Why did he have to lie? And let me tell you, that lunchbox was disgustingly dirty, and it had to have taken alot of elbow grease and a lot of scrubbers to get it clean.

Why would she go through all that?

Now, this past weekend, he and I got into it. He said I get mad at him too easily. Well, considering all that, I can understand why.

Plus, when he was involved before, he would go to great lengths to piss me off so I'd get mad and we could fight, then he could complain to his workers and his GF that I'm a *****.
And last night, he did the same thing. We were out most of the day. Had a late lunch, so dinner was just snacking. My son got his own food, my daughter had a tummy ache, and I asked hubby what he wanted - three times! He told me nothing all times. Then, he got himself something without asking me. And he couldn't understand why I'd be upset.

Not to mention that for the longest time, he called me every morning at 10:30 and every afternoon around 3. Friday - nothing. Today, nothing.
I'm sure I'll be interrupting something if I call. I'll do it now...let's see what he says...

Call one - He's eating lunch at Chi-Chi's. Alone? Yes he says. Odd. Anyway, after a decent first half of the conversation, he asks what's up. I told him I was just checking in, he usually does and he didn't, so I was wondering what he was doing. He then pretended he couldn't hear me. Funny, he could hear the first part fine. He didn't move and I was on a land line. Still no phone call back. I'll try again. Phone is now turned off. Thanks.

What should I do? Document, or discuss? I am tired of all this. I am at my wits end. I can't play his games anymore.

Thanks for your help.

I am new here but I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I am in sort of the same situation. If it were me I would have to go for the evidence since from past experience he will deny until he takes his last dying breath. He will make you feel like an idiot just for suspecting him. You can pick up a voice activated recorder from Office Depot for $50 to $60. Velcro on the back of it and on the underside of his car or truck seat will hold it in place. They are very easy to use, I wouldn't take anything for mine since it is what caught my H on his A. If you can have someone follow him that would be great too. If you can follow him yourself even better. It all sounds like he is definitely up to something and the longer you wait for him to confess the more pain you will go through. Hope I helped at least a little.

samsonanddelilah

Hi Lanny,

It's obvious you don't trust him. I don't like feeling suspicous either, and when
I do, I need answers too!!! I agree with samsomanddelilah. Those are some very good ideas.
It doesn't sound like he's doing a whole lot wrong, but may be avoiding you, and I can understand that you want to know "why???"

I've worked in offices before, and most of the time the employees take on a friendship relationship. So I can understand the salmon thing, and just doing kind things for the other employees, but he sure makes it a habit to tell you. When he does tell you about work, just listen. A lot of men do that when they come home. Even if you don't like what he's saying. If he doesn't feel you are listening and just getting angry, he will withdraw and not talk at all.

I really hope you get your answers!!!

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

SamsonandDelia, About this activated recorder you mentioned. I assume it battery operated. ANy chance that it could make some sound, like static or whatever, and my husband could find it?? Sounds interesting way to see if calling someone he shouldn't be. Thanks

Lan,

Until he is completely honest with you, I would suggest to keep digging and keep politely and lovingly asking him to be open and honest with you.

I know it's difficult at a time like this, but try to avoid those nasty love busters; after all, it's possible he may not be cheating.

Pana

I was adept at the cheating game.

The basic way to tell if someone is cheating is to look for questionable 2 hour blocks of time where he is "unavailable" with no way for you to verify his location.

Less than two hours is not enough time to do anything more than lunch. More than two hours might attract inquiries from his boss.

The voice activated recorder I bought was a Panasonic RN505. Only activates when sound is made so the tape is saved when it is quiet. Has silent auto stop. In other words the button does not pop out and click like some other brands. I would put in under the seat the night before he went to work and turn it on. Since it was quiet until the morning the batteries and tape were saved. You do pick up some of the auto sound since it is under the seat but all words were definetely discernible on the tape. The one I got also came with a battery charger for use with the rechargable batteries. He never knew it was there. Makes absolutely no sound at all. Best investment I made. I also bought a Tele-Recorder 350 and hooked up to our phone at home. Records all incoming and outgoing calls. I think it was 49.95. Uses standard tapes but can long play them for double the time. I have a nightstand beside the bed and I wrapped it in a towel because it does make a slight hum, not very loud, and put it under the nightstand. He never found that either but I recorded a total of 6 conversations he had with the OW on it. The bad part is he denied everything until I played the tapes for him. Then he wanted to "tell me everything". That to him was just enough to sound believable but leaving out a whole lot. Playing detective is terrible. I have also put scotch tape on the passenger side door of his truck to see if it was being opened. I never could leave work to follow him so I had to make the best of it with what I could.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: samsonanddelilah ]</small>

Thanks for your words. I am kind of stuck for recording anything. I can look in his phone file who he calls and who calls him. Unfortunately, no block of time will be questioned by his boss. He's pretty much his own boss. His boss is miles away and they talk only about once a week. The two women I suspect he's thinking too much about would be in his office. I hardly ever go to his office. There is just no reason to. I am thinking about calling FedEx and asking them to switch the person who does his route. That will eliminate one of the people. I can always account for his time, but not in person. In other words, he's 99% accessible, but he could be in another woman's arms while he's talking to me, and I wouldn't know it.
As for the women next door, I so badly want to stop in and pretend I got the wrong office. H will be out of town in a couple of weeks. I'll try to do it then.

Oh, ya know, another thing just popped into my head. We are going on vacation this weekend and then again the following week. I asked him if he has long distance on his phone and he said without hesitation that he'll have his phone with him. He was also upset that we were actually going for a week. He's the one who said we would go - last year. Now he's saying he doesn't want to go. I don't like his hesitation. We have plane tickets, so we can't back out. I'll be watching to see how many phone calls he makes. And I'll make him leave his phone in the condo while we're on the beach.
Plus, he just had his voice mail activated. He hasn't had it activated ever - until now.

YIKES, definately not sounding good -- especially since he is saying he doesn't want to take a week's vacation -- who doesn't? Somethings up.

I want to get that recorder too but also want the computer software. All this snooping is expensive and we are on a tight budget. So I think I'll get the computer software first.

I'm so sorry you are having to do this too!

My H is so computer illiterate. He has two email accounts. One for work and one for play. But play just means I send him things and his friend sends him things about hunting. I set it up for him because he doesn't want anything personal on his work computer. No one gets the work email addy.
I set it up with a password thinking he'd want to change it. He hasn't - too complicated. So looking into weird things on the computer I know will get me no where. He can't even change his wallpaper without my help.

And the phone belongs to his company and I can't see the bills.

This is so frustrating. I wish I could just go buy a recorder or a computer program and catch him. But I'm sure he's not calling her, since she visits his office, or he visits hers. And I never to go there, and I dont' have a key.

When he did this before, he *****ed about me at work to the guys so much that they bought him a t-shirt that said "How long have you been married? 5, 10, 20 LONG years." The guy on the shirt looking frazzled and not happy. He thought it was funny. I took great offense. Why would a guy buy another guy a t-shirt? Especially one like that? And with our marriage in not a good state, I can't understand why he would get mad at me for getting upset.

He kept the shirt for a while, then he threw it away. He never wore it. He wanted to keep it because he knew it cost the guys some money. Tough sh*t!

You too Huh? For the last year, I have been going crazy and really no definite anwers! He told me one night that when was drunk that he hated me so much( he is not a drunk:just gets drunk every once in awhile) and then later i find Divorced on his profile on msn and he gets emails that insinuate maybe he is? Like a return addy with subject of "where you been lately?" or been busy?" from a few ladies and no other messages on the emails and also he is not one to just call me out of the blue to just talk for heck of it. I would think if he on the road by hisself all the time, he would get lonesome to call me? OH plus he told me one night when he was out ona job that he couldnot get onthe internet at that hotel because it was expensice that place and i found later that he had been on chat and found a ladies profile and he tells me he was just goofing around on the chat rooms, him not realizing it wasin same time frame as when he told me he would not get on the instant messenger with me!

Yeah, I think their biggest thing is not being able to remember their lies. We went on a mini vacation this weekend and he was antsy until we got to our destination. He kept checking his phone. I did too though. :-) Just to make sure he was talking to the person he said he was.
When he realized the only moments he'd have without me were in the bathroom, he turned the phone off.
Then, when we were back within home range, I asked him to check his messages. I had given my mother his phone number, my dad is very sick. I wanted to know if she called. He wouldn't check.
I wish I had his password to check his messages. I'll have to wait til he has the phone turned off to be able to try it.

Get this!lol
I was thinking about trying that activator like you are talking about and he must be pyschic!LOL
Now he calls me the other day adn says his cell phone is broke!and that it gets to hot and cuts off really fast! Sometiomes when i try to call it rings several times before the voice mail comes on and now it is going straight to voice mail!Grr HE said he would not be able to get another phone until this week. Well it sure going to be hard to get his phone calls from his business this way! When I do leave messages and he does happen to call it is usually pretty late and he will not make any comment on the messages I have left! surely with the business he is listening to the voice mail, but he says he has not. I know if I was out on road for hours and hours, I would be calling just to chat!LOL and if I do confront him on a few things, he seems to get short with me!Then sometimes when i talk with him he is sooooo nice? lol Keeps me wondering and confused.

Yes! I know what you mean!
I managed to get H's password yesterday. Yay! Someone left him a weird VM. He found it in the morning when he turned his phone on. It rang. I heard it, mentioned it. He said it was his VM. So he called, even let me listen to the message. Sounded like someone hit redial and didn't realize it. So, me, knowing how to check the call list, also knowing it wouldn't show because the phone wasn't on when it rang - I scrolled through the call list. When he realized what I was doing, he grabbed the phone.

But he was really loving last night. Hmmm...

I have said this before, know all the features of the particular cell phone that you can if you cannot check bills.

I know my H is NEVER creative w/passwords. He usually uses the same two w/everything so it is usually not that hard to figure out.

My H is a HARD sleeper! If your H is, go turn the phone on and start scrolling away. My H's phone will let you click another feature to see time called or received and how long call lasted.

Also, my H's phone has an ignore button on it so if I were calling and he didn't want it to ring repeatedly (since the phone was on) he could hit the ignore and the call goes straight into VM. Likewise, he can do this in front of you as well if OW is calling.

Yeah, I think we have the same phone. Sounds like it anyway. H and I have the same one too so I know all the features - some of them he doesn't know. Like that you can put a name in once, but have four different numbers in there, plus the walkie talkie number. He has my name in there twice, once for work and once for cell.

He now has come up with a thing that he can't talk to me while driving. He said his AC is broken and he has to have the window down, so he can't talk on the phone.

Boy, the man is creative.

Lanny and others,
I'm so sorry for the painful suspicions. At first, Lanny, I thought that some of the things you mentioned weren't too suspicious. But your last post said that he grabbed the phone away from you when you were scrolling through. That indeed looks very suspicious to me. It may not be an A, but looks like he's hiding something. I know that the cell phone can be a major instrument in an A. (See my thread on "dwelling in hurt") I can't stand to see the things anymore!

Does his company pay the bills on the cell phone? If not, you can go online and set the online account up yourself. It gives you the directions to get important numbers off of the phone, so you would need to do it at night while he's sleeping so you had access to the phone. I set up an account for my H att phone, but couldn't for his nextel due to the fact that his company pays the bills on that one.

Sounds like you're pretty well aware of how to look into info. on the phone your H has. Yes, the nextel does allow you to check how long he carried on each conversation, time called, numbers called, etc. My H admitted that he had the OW phone numbers under "code- "guy" names so that if they showed up it looked like he was calling an employee, or that the employee was calling him. Now I know how to use the reverse phone number look-up on the internet and have found that OW's numbers were listed. But, I didn't find any of this out until after the A had been discovered. H has been helping and supportive in me setting all of this up so that I can have access to everything.

I hope you find the answers to all of your questions and that the answer turns out to be one thta is to your liking. After all, maybe it is all innocent, just disrespectful behavior on his part.

Best wishes!

Thanks. Yeah, his company pays the bills. I checked into looking at the phone bills the last time we went through this.

He's so...predictable. The last time we went through this - and yes, he finally admitted to an EA, but nothing further. Although she would have taken it further...I was very angry - maybe because the OW was my sister???? And I always told him of the things I suspected...my mistake. He was very defensive, and angry and talked bad about me. The whole 9 yards.

This time though, I'm keeping quiet. And he's very affectionate. I know he's feeling guilty about something, otherwise, he wouldn't be as affectionate as he's been. We've been married 15 years and in the beginning, he was like this. But after two kids and years of stress, things petered out.

Now they are back. And more so each time something else gets revealed but I don't say anything.

Like last weekend, for instance. The kids did laundry and I went to put my clothes away. They were on my bed. I picked up a white shirt, size small. Suffice to say, I don't wear small. Large would be more like it.
My daughter is 11, she doesn't wear women's clothing. So, where did this size small shirt come from? I don't know and neither does my daughter. But H is really sweet to me.

I gave the shirt to D to let her wear. It's a little large on her, but it fits her better than it would me. She loves it. She wears it and H has to look at it whenever she puts it on. And she mentions over and over that she doesn't know where it came from.

I watch H, and he just looks...innocent? Acting anyway.

I try to figure out when he would have had another woman in the house. The kids are there most of the time. Then I remembered, they are gone for 5 hours a day at summer programs and work. Hmmmm...

But I say nothing. I just keep track of all of it. One day he will slip up.