Any thoughts would be great. My W went on a golfing trip about 5 weeks ago with a group 4 women. After she came home things were different, she was telling me how bad our marriage was and that she wanted to become her own person. She further said that we needed to go to counselling and get some help.

We started going to counselling seperately, it's been going on for about 3 weeks and I've learned a lot about why I am the way I am.

However, during the last 4-5 weeks, I've noticed a lot of coincidences. She went out and bought a new cell phone, I learned from a friend that my W and his W had secret email addresses, she left the camera on the golf trip and had it sent to a friends house, she was accessing her school, she's a teacher, email from our home. Additionally, she left at 11pm Saturday night to run to the drug store to get advil, a 10 minute trip took her 45.

This morning as I got in my car to go to work, I was cleaning out a soda can and a receipt when I found a small piece of paper with 3 phone numbers on it labeled work, home and cell. I did some reverse engineering and got the name on the home account, called the work number and got voice mail, the names matched.

I get to work and call my W and she is silent. First she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about, then tells me she doesn't know who the numbers belong and then tells me they aren't her. I know her handwriting, it was her's and then I tell her the name, complete shock on her end and she tells me "I can't tell you about it on the phone".

Seems that on Saturday night, she had a nice conversation with him at 11pm on her cell phone in my car and forgot to put the numbers back in her purse.

I call this man and ask him how he knows my W. He says from the golf trip. I ask him if he is having an A? He's says ask your wife. I then said, so you and my wife had a fling on the golf trip, he responds, I guess so.

After coming home, my wife tells me nothing happened, except they have emailed and talked on the phone numerous times. She then tells me that she was going to tell me all about it. Quite timely after I already know about it.

She says their A is over. He says they had a fling, she says nothing happened and all along I'm in marriage conselling committed to making the marriage work. What to do? Any suggestions? All I know that she told so many lies and their were so many coincidences she couldn't get away from them - the web she weaved got her caught. Any help is appreciated. thanks.

It seems pretty clear that she was cheating on you. You caught her totally and she has this pattern of lying to you. I would not be intimate with her until she gets checked. It sounds like she is a cakewoman and playing you. She seems incapable of telling you the truth. Ask yourself why you wish to stay with someone who contantly lies to you?

"He says they had a fling, she says nothing happened and all along I'm in marriage conselling committed to making the marriage work. What to do? Any suggestions? All I know that she told so many lies and their were so many coincidences she couldn't get away from them - the web she weaved got her caught."

I would believe this OM over your wife. What to do depends on how much value you place on yourself and whether you can accept a wife who behaved like a lowlife.

cmac:

Well, since the advice you've gotten so far seems 2 be 2 "dump the b****", I thought I'd jump in here (sorry guys, I disagree).

There is nothing at all unusual in the way your W is behaving. Something like 80% of all marriages are subjected 2 infidelity in one form or another. MOST people who discover their spouse's affair, AND those who had the affair, want 2 rebuild their marriages. And MOST marriages that have gone through the hard work 2 recover have come out much stronger than they were before the affair.

You should read all you can from this website. There are articles about typical cases of infidelity, and I'm sure you can find one that's very similar to your own situation. I urge you 2 look long and hard at YOURSELF, keeping in mind that people usually don't "just have affairs". They fall in2 affairs due 2 weaknesses, but most would not do so if their partner was giving them whatever it is they think they get from the affair partner. This is a tough thing 2 accept, believe me, but it is essential if you want your marriage 2 recover.

I hope that johnh39 will respond 2 you. He has the key threads in his sig line that you should look in2 before you do anything rash.

Best regards,
-2long

To rebuild or not to rebuild is a personal choice that takes into account alot of things other than the actual infidelity.

For example the wayward spouses effort to rebuild the marriage, the level of honesty, the leve of remorse etc etc.

It also takes into account your own personal feelings. They include do you love her/him, how long you have been married or involved with her/him, children with her/him etc etc etc.

Financial entanglements like mortgage, retirement funds, stocks, student loands,a small business etc.

So instantly dumping only applies when you have little invested in your marriage. Studying and then dumping or rebuilding is the more prudent step.

Besides I think at this point you don't have enough information to decide how involved she was or wasn't with this man and if she is still seeing him after you finding out.

I would add you might want to see if this man is married and contact his wife too. You can compare notes and more importantly by exposing the affair assure it is truly over or at least raise the stakes for continuing the affair.

I agree with 2Long. The lies your wife told were "typical" of of WS. Obviously she has some issues she is dealing with and has not been able to communicate them with you. What you need to decide is why the lies...was she merely trying to cover up or was she protecting you because she felt such guilt? (this is a good thing as this shows she is still emotionally attached to you).
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says their A is over. He says they had a fling, she says nothing happened and all along I'm in marriage conselling committed to making the marriage work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she says their A is over, then she IS saying something happened. Marriage couselling is an excellent first step...but it is a step. You two need to get to a point where you can communicate better perhaps by focussing on why it happened first. My FWH could not talk about the actual A for a long time...we focussed on what led up to the A. Eventually he arrived at a spot where he could talk about the A and the OW. He coud take ownership of what had happened and the effects on his loved ones. It is a long road, but if you are both committed to making it work...then work together to communicate and reconnect.

And remember to keep posting...MB has amazing people who can help you through all of this.