I found out last year through every devious way possible that my H was having an A with a co-worker. He swore he broke it off and that it meant nothing. About two months later I found her on the VAR I had put under his truck seat. He denied it until I played the tape for him and then said he was only giving her a ride to work. He said he did not want a divorce and would not have anything else to do with her. So far everything has been okay up until about three weeks ago. My H's birthday was in June and I also know the OW birthday was also in June. Now it seems like everything our daughter does makes him angry and critical. He has not been as bad with me on that as her. That really bothers me. He is complaining about all the crap at work, more than before. He still works with the OW by the way. He has not been late coming home but something just doesn't seem right. Sorry to be so blunt but when we started to make love the other night he could not perform. Now he is 8 years younger than I am and has never had this problem. He blamed it on all the stress he is having at work, said stress affects men differently than women. He also seems to have lost interest in sexual intercourse over the last three weeks, (tired, have to get up early, doesn't feel well, etc.) I really do not want to go through the whole detective playing role again but I know he will not come straight out and admit anything. Any ideas you might have would be greatly appreciated.

Confront him face to face. You will be able to see right through him if he is lying. It has worked for me many times. Also check the phone bill/cell phone bill, the history on your computer, credit card receipts, also check where he is using his atm card. Try stopping by his work to go out to lunch with him. I will pray that your situation turns out better than mine. Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SandD,
I am the WS in my story. As such, I lied and swore on my parents' and children's graves that nothing was going on. This was five years ago. Eighteen months ago, I finally confessed. With all the events going on in the world, I couldn't take the pressure any more. Now, I am out of the house and trying to save my marriage.
One thing that I found out recently from my W was that she thinks I am still having the A. It lasted 3-4 months in 1998, and that was it. The OW works at my job. She left for <6 months and our M was improving SLOWLY. Then she came back and I let my W know so she would not be surprised if she dropped by and saw her, or if my work phone bounced to OW's phone. The M started to deteriorate very quickly thereafter. And here is the reason why...
Over the past three weeks, my W has let me know on three separate occassions that I should have left the job when, the A was over; or at least since the OW came back. I am now trying to find a new job in hopes that I can save my M.
If your H did have the A as you said, then the trust and recovery cannot begin again without TOTAL SEPARATION FROM THE OW. This might be hard on you as a couple financially or in other ways, but it is of utmost importance.

Also, don't only use the message forums at this site, but read the whole website. There is alot of good information here. Buy and read the books recommended at this site. I been at this site for less than a month, and I have found it very valuable.

God Bless you and your family. Good Luck!
TTSMM

In the Q&A section of this site and in his book "Surviving an Affair", Dr Harley states that it is all but impossible for affair recovery to occur unless the WS cuts off ALL contact with the OP.

The path to affiar recovery for an emotional or physical affair is the same. Click on the link in my signature line for more information about what tools my wife and I used to recover.

Thank you all so much for the replies. When this fist happened I asked him to leave his job and find another. Then he laid the guilt trip on me about messing up our financial situation over something stupid he did. He said he could deal with it. He works 12 hour shifts with days off during the week and has changed shifts 3 times since he went to work there 5 years ago. She was put on his shift about a year after he started and he said he had to take her under his wing because no one else would teach her and that was how all of this started. He was moved to day shift finally and of course 3 months later she followed. He was transferred to the other day shift and she followed. When he was transferred back to his original day shift she again followed, so I know that higher ups at his plant know what is going on and seem to condone it. Also, it seemed that everyone he hung out with there was also cheating on their wives. I have brought up the need for him to find another job elsewhere but don't get anywhere with it. She is not married so I have no avenue there either. I have asked him numerous times to understand that I would rather he packed up everything and left me to start completely over if he even thought of seeing her again but I think I am a security blanket that he doesn't want to throw away. He has skills that would help him find a job but just doesn't think that is the answer. His answer to seeing a counselor was that he didn't need anyone to tell him how scr++ed up he was. I know what I will be met with if I ask him again to leave his job because of this. If in fact he is seeing the OW again he is already in the denial stage and I will get no where. The lengths he went to the first time to keep me from finding out were almost unimaginable. I truly would rather catch him "red-handed" and file for the divorce because if he is actually seeing her again I cannot forgive this time.

My husband had an affair with a coworker few years ago. When I confronted him he said they were just friends. When I found out differently he said he was not going to find another job and he was not going to stop talking to her. He didn't want to be rude lol! I even talked to this woman. She didn't care. then my husband had the nerve to come home and tell me this other cgirl was laughing about how mad I was. If your husband really wants to stay in the marriage there is no reason he cannot look for another job before quitting his current job. But, as I have learned no matter what company your husband goes to there is always going to be some otherwoman. He has to change more than the job he has for you to trust him again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has to change more than the job he has for you to trust him again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correct. Changing jobs is neccessary, but not sufficient. I think SS&D should consider Plan B.