Help! My husband and I have been married about 1 year. He has never had an "every other day" sex drive but that is ok because I don't either. I am 33 he is 32. All of his past girl friends have been the stripper/Pam Anderson types.. well, I am pretty and get told often. BUT my thing is, my husband could go months without sex...he trys to say the reason we don't have sex often is because I don't initiate it and he is waiting on me!!! But until I even complain about no sex, he never complains about it...just like he don't even need it! I do initiate sex, but sometimes I want him too! I was brought up old fashion and all my past boyfriends have always been all touchy feely. Not my hubby! we have discussed this over and over....he says its me and i never initiate it .. or should intitate it more. He used to frequent topless bars all the time before he started me...now he doesn't do any of that..which I am glad. But it makes me feel ugly and like he just has me as a wife because this point he in his life he should have one.

My friends say he is crazy for me, he just doesn't show emotion.

one friend said he has to be gay, another said he just isn't attracted to me. has anyone else experienced this? I have tried wearing sexier clothes but all he says is I am wasting my money and just trying to get attention. WELL YEA!! HIS! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

What was it like before you were married?

before we were married it was maybe every once a week...which for us its ok..that is our norm. but he has been working on his dad's farm a lot and gets home tired. also..but lately (past few months) it COULD be 3 weeks unless I initiate it and IF he initiates it, he is "does his think" and that is that. Leaving me...well you know! hot and bothered. WE have talked and talked about this but he still goes back to I need to be more of an initiator. He is always tired and grouchy when he gets home, its hard for me to initiate anything when I feel like I will be rejected. anyway, one night I got a little bit drunk (we don't drink much) and did a strip dance for him....well that did the trick! so that is why I am back to, he is attracted to stripper types, I am more "wholesome looking" i guess you could say than that. He says he married me because I was what he wanted and when I dress "slutty" he hates it??????? doesn't make sense. one of my best friends at work said he must not be attracted to me because this didn't sound normal. I would just like to think its because my husband is over worked and tired and maybe needs viagra and is a little embarrassed to admit that...but instead he gets mad and says i need to come on to him more.
I try really hard, but must i ALWAYS be the one!??
most of the time the guys are all over the girl. maybe I am just hitting my "prime"... I don't know....

There are alot of possible reasons for your H's decrease in sex drive. Some are more serious than others. Exhaustion, overwork, and stress are common reasons, so is depression and health problems.

When did this problem start? When did your H start working exhausting hours on the farm? How often do you intitiate (not always)? Him (not never)? Has it changed over the course of your dating/marriage? How does he view sex, as something to be enjoyed or as work? What are your objections to initiating?

Have you read the articles on this site? (not just the board)

When you bought the sexier clothes, were they for in the bedroom only or were they to wear outside the home too?

Some guys, when they marry, want the wholesome, girl next door type you can bring home to meet mom and dad. But are also attracted to the bad girl image, which of course you would not bring home to meet mom and dad.

My H, after his xW, and before me, had trampy women, and none of them were brought home to meet mom. I was after about 2 or 3 months of dating he introduced me to meet his mom.

My H, (when I am in shape) likes it when I dress attractive (not slutty) but showing off my figure (which I do not have at the moment). He also likes it when I get a little trampy (in the bedroom) Some things are left for the bedroom.

I'm trying to recall how I heard it put one time, a lady outside the home and a tramp in the bedroom is what some men like.

When H is tired, I have to do the initiating.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Well here it goes, You need to lose weight and get a figure back. Men need that, they want to have sex with someone hot. You said you have no shape, well thats most likly the issue. Dress very a bit , well you know before you go to bed. He might be under to much pressure. But most likly he needs to think he bedding a pinup. You said it , you need to lose some pounds and dress for him the way he likes it.
I hope that helps and try not to do it more then 2 times per week. Also make sure he is not taking care of himself.

Adam - I am the one who needs to lose some weight, not DP, this is her thread, not mine.

"Make sure he is not taking care of himself", I don't get this one at all. If he did not take care of himself, why would I want him in bed? It is a two way street on this one. Women want their men to look good too.

I am not going to go over my issues on DP's thread.

It sounds to me like he has some unresolved guilt. Guilt and sex don't mix well. What he and you do as married, mutually consenting adults is "all good."

He apparently gets very aroused by stripping. He also may feel guilty about getting aroused by stripping. Why don't you go to a strip club with him? It is pretty clear he doesn't want to marry a stripper, he just likes to look at them.

He could also have an infatuation with the "madonna/whore." The "madonna/whore" is the woman who is saintly but turns into a sex craved maniac in the bedroom. But, if you and he recognize it as a fantasy fetish, you and he can have a lot of good, clean sex fun with it.

DP I recommend you read Michelle Weiner Davis's new book 'The Sex Starved Marriage' for it explores all the possible reasons why a person, male or female, may have a low or no sex drive, and gives both spouses an approach to help resolve the issue.

One last thing, be very, very careful in not forming ANY friendship with another man. Your H's sexual rejection has made you extremely vulnerable to falling into an A. If you don't beleive me, read lostintx threads to see what can happen when you don't guard your emotions well when your self esteem takes a dive.

I just want to thank all of you for your input. I am very new to this website and fairly new to marriage.

All of your input has been absorbed and is really helping me. Its also nice to know I am not alone!

I wish you all the best. THANK YOU SO MUCH!