I guess I really should have posted this on this board rather than on my thread in "recovery." Anyway, to those who have responded to some of my threads, here is what happened:

To all who have been kind enough to reply and support - I just told my H

Here's how it went. He called to make plans with friends for tonight. I told him that I didn't want to go out, and he kept trying to persuade me. He could tell something was wrong, and then kept questioning me about it. I finally broke down and told him that I could not tell him over the phone. He then told me he would not hang up until I told him what was wrong. He said he wanted me to come to his work to tell him. I told him I would rather at home, but he was relentless. So I drove up there.

I told him I had an affair. I told him it lasted from mid Jan to the beginning of June. I told him who it was with. I also let him know that I was sorry, I wished I could relive those moments again and never make the same choice I did. His comment was that - yea, if he had an affair, he would say that, too.

I told him it was over. He said "well it has to be because he doesn't work for your company anymore." (and MM lives far far away). He said that if MM worked for the company then I would still be with him. I said not necessarily. I said that I had cut off all communication with MM.

He asked me how many times, if I felt guilty when I was doing it. I didn't lie and I said for the last of it, I did. He said he couldn't believe I was doing this to him. He cried, he raised his voice. He said he hoped I was joking.

I told him I was genuinely regretful and that if I could do it over, I would never have chosen that route. I don't recall what his comment was exactly, but he didn't believe me. He said that I lied to him, and I agreed. I also told him that I wanted to tell him the truth now. That he deserved to know the truth and be able to make his own decision about me.

He then asked me to take him back to work.

None of this is really any different than I expected. In fact, I really expect him to be looking up divorce lawyers right now. I guess he is maybe processing it all now?

Is there anything I can do to let him know that I genuinely regret my decision? I thought about writing an e-mail or letter, but I don't know how to start, what to say, or if he would even read it. He doesn't believe me at all - which, he shouldn't because I have been lying to him for 6 months now.

I guess it is just a waiting game right now. I love him so much. Once again, I hate that I have put us in this spot. I hope he can find the will to want to work it out.

Thanks for all your help, everyone.

Right now in my opinion is to wait, he has alot to process in his mind. You just told him one of the worst things he will ever hear.

At least he did'nt tell you outright he wanted a divorce.

I do have respect for you to have told him instead of him finding out on his own

Pick up the book Surviving a affair and start reading.

LIT you did the right thing because as painful as it was, he did deserve to know and decide what he wanted to do (marital recovery or divorce). Now hold on tight for the ER(emotional rollercoaster) ride of your lives, and know that it is part of the marital recovery. Now I don't know your H, but if he reacts like the typical BH, then he's going to go from wanting to rebuild the marriage to wanting to run to the nearest divorce lawyer's office.

I agree with rookie, get your hands on Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs', as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's book 'Divorce Remedy' and 'The Sex Starved Marriage'. You may also want to get a hold of an e-book titled Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair available thru After The Affair (it cost $5.00) written for WS by a BS.

Above all else don't despair and come here for emotional support and to lighten your battered spirit. You are not alone, we are here for you and your H.

I hope I am reading this right. If I understand correctly you went to your H and confessed everything and he didn't even know before that? If that is the case then I stand up a applaude you for having done what you did. Would it be that all would have the courage to tell the truth and risk the consequences. By doing what you have done I believe you feel true remorse and that is something not all feel. I hope it will work out for you but it is a long hard road. I agree with the others on reading, it will help tremendously on understanding the impact of an A on a marriage.

I caught my w three weeks ago. All I can say to you is I wish my wife would have told me. I think I would feel a little better if she would grovel at my feet and beg for forgiveness. If I could see that at least she is hurting from hurting me and our family. She has barely shed a tear in three weeks.

You have my respect. You did the right thing.
I think the idea of writing a letter is a good one. You may wish to make an audiotape. If my ex-wife would have done what you did the chances are great that I would not have divorced her. You have respected your husband by doing this actually showing that you do love him. He will be going crazy right now but give him time to process everything and answer ever question honestly when he ask you. Again you did the right thing.

This sounds way to familar!

I to applaud you for telling him the truth, but don't get me wrong, i am a BH and i'm simply applauding your honesty. My W didn't tell me, the OM wife and OM told me, if she had of told me then i would have more respect for her. I always thought my W was a strong person, but she is not.

Your husband is probably in shock and will be for awhile, i know i was, i couldn't believe it happened. If you truly want to save your marriage then you need to let him know that everyday and if you don't truly want to then don't lead him to believe you do. I'm still not sure if my wife truly wants to save our marriage or if she's just telling me what i want to here.

Thank you all for your support on my telling him. All I want to do is try like hell to do the right thing by both of us. He may very well leave me, but in the minute event that he does not, I plan to take everything I have learned and work to make our marriage something much better than before.

If he does leave, then I will at least take this knowledge and bring it to my next relationship. Nothing is worth the pain I have caused. I have (and still am) done a lot of soul searching, analyzing, and figuring out what led me to my mistake. All I can do now is learn from it and be a better person.

Thanks again - what are your thoughts on an e-mail? Or should I just wait until he contacts me again? I may just send him a couple of threads from MB. I hope he takes a moment to look here and keep an open mind. I don't know if I posted this here, but he came home, packed, and left the house. He did not say when (or if) he would be back....

PS - picked up surviving today....will begin the journey tonight.

"All I can do now is learn from it and be a better person."

That's what life is all about, isn't it? It sucks that sometimes our "life lessons" hurt those close to us, but we gotta keep doing the best we can.

Talk to a professional ASAP. I've had good luck with Penny, ( http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com ), and the Harleys, of course, get lots of recommendations here.

As far as your marriage goes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Though he doesn't realize it, your hubby has a person who cares enough for him to humble herself and confess her sins. So many wayward spouses won't admit their responsibility for their actions.

Typed up a short e-mail to H - not sure if I should send (since he has left the house) or not. Advice?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You mentioned something earlier today about "once a cheater, always a cheater." I know that you are trying to figure out if you can trust me ever again. All I can tell you is this....I am not the same person as I was 6 months ago. I have done something horrible, and in many cases unforgiveable. But what I have done is done. What I can do (and am doing now) is learn from my mistakes and try to be a better person than the one I was. There are reasons that made me succeptible to what I did. They are not excuses - I made the wrong decision 100%. But I am also acutely aware that it was the wrong decision. It has caused nothing but pain, grief, and hurt in many people - most importantly you. I cannot fathom a reason why anyone would deserve this kind of pain, and I plan to take every step, every precaution to prevent it in my future - even if you do decide to leave me.

I did not do this for fun. I did not enjoy the excitement. What I realize now is that this rose out of my insecurity - and I have to take precautionary steps to make sure I don't end up in the same place. I have done an incredible amount of reading on www.marriagebuilders.com . I think it is possible to get past an affair - I have seen threads of posts from people who have. But I also believe that it is your decision if you want to try or not. And even if we try, it doesn't mean that we will get past this. I have faith in our love. And I love you enough to know that you deserve to be happy. If you will be unable to forgive or trust me again, then you deserve to be with someone who can fulfill that need. If you can forgive and trust me again, the burden is on me to prove by actions and honesty that I am committed to you.

I do love you. I made a horrible mistake. I am genuinely remorseful. All I can do is try to be a better person from now on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks, doofus (gosh that feels wierd writing that!!!). I actually e-mailed Penny and am going to try to talk to her tomorrow afternoon or shortly thereafter. My H said he did not want to consider counseling until he makes his decision, so I decided to proceed anyhow with my own.

My granny taught me a good lesson before she passed away - life is meant to be lived. There will be pain, there will be happiness. But you learn from your experiences, and just try to be a better person.

I made a huge mistake. But I am willing to own up to it, and have no choice but to live with the repercussions. I love my husband. I hope we survive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I did not do this for fun. I did not enjoy the excitement.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not so sure your H is going to beleive this, even though it is the truth. I highly recommend that you consider deleting this part and adding the following from your other post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>It was something where inside, I was feeling worthless, rejected, unwanted..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now this he may beleive considering how emotionally and physically distant he became.

The rest of the e-mail is excellent.

If WS was ML in your bedroom, I have to believe that the clues leading up to D-Day were everywhere. As a former WS, a WS just doesn't call the other one day and say, "Hey, lets f*** over at my place." Usually, there is quite a bit of foreplay and encounters until you get to the point where you figure S either doesn't know or doesn't care.

To be frank, it amazes me that you were so clueless about your WS's unhappiness to believe that the marriage was perfect. You and she have serious communication problems. WS is & was unhappy in the M.

Do you remember "Ferris Buehler's Day Off" where the kid destroys the priceless sports car and says, "Good. My Dad can't ignore this. He will have to deal with it." Well, WS is telling you, "Good. You can't ignore this. You will have to deal with it."

IMHO, your wife is telling you that there were reasons for the affair that you don't "get."
I'm not making excuses for her, but if she was working 1.5 jobs AND taking care of the kids, I doubt that she perceived your M as "perfect".

If you want to save the M, you have to start listening and trying to find out what the problem was.

---A former WS---

Thanks TMCM - going to send tonight I guess....

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Lost,

When I found out about my H’s affairs was of course hurt, furious, and scared of him because he had deceived me so thoroughly. As far as I was concerned my marriage was over. But I was too distraught to do anything about it. I did not sleep but an hour or so an night for weeks.

My husband was the one who pulled us through. I had found a copy of “Surviving an Affair”. He read it and started to Plan A me. We are together today because his attitude was that he had caused the harm so it was his responsibility to help me heal and lead the healing of our relationship. I have a lot of respect for him today for the way he handled things. I did not put the blame on anyone but himself. I now that sometimes the questions I asked him and my hurt/anger were hard for him to hear, but he did hear them and did respond.

I’m telling you this to let you know that there is a path to redemption and rebuilding your marriage in this. Most marriages survive affairs.. something like 98% of them. So the statistics are in your favor. It is also not true that once a cheater always a cheater. Most people who cheat do so in response to a situation in their marriages, it’s a wakeup call, a horrible, hurtful wakeup call. From this shock your marriage can be better then it ever has been. It’s hard to take each other for granted after all this.

There are people who fit the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ model. They tend to be what I call “sport adulterers”. They are people with sever problems.. like sexual addictions and/or feels of entitlement to cheat. The idea that ‘everyone does it.’

There are ways to build a marriage that is affair proof. MB teaches that.

You were pretty gutsy telling your H. I like your letter with the suggested change.

Good Luck.

-------
Oh and on contacting the OM’s wife. I take it all back. I must have missed something … I thought I read that she did not know about any of his affairs. She has a lot of info already. So unless she contacts you, I would not bother her. There is nothing you can do to make this up to her. I really do not think an apology from you would be received well. I accepted them from my current H’s OW’en because they did not know he was married. (several women he met on the internet)

But there is no way I’d accept an apology from my ex-h’s OW’en…. Some of them were friends and his coworkers who knew me. (I do not know how many affairs he had. I am aware of 4-5 over the entire 14 years we were married.) I have no use for them. Sorry if this seems harsh but it’s true. What I would accept and love to have is for them (someone one, anyone) to come forward with some info that would put my mind to rest. But apology? No because I could not tell them that I forgive them.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

H is leaving the state - said he can't be anywhere where he might be tempted to see me or talk to me. He asked that I not contact him by phone. He said that if I needed to, I could e-mail him.

We discussed quite a bit. Went through every emotion in the book. I really really really do hate what I have done. We ended on a pretty negative note. After about 15 minutes of saying nasty graphic things, and me not knowing what to say afterwards (except the occasional sorry), I finally told him I had to let him go. I know that I deserve every word that he said, but I just got the feeling that we were being completely unproductive, and I was beginning to feel like all hope was lost. I e-mailed and said I was sorry for letting him go - that I truly regretted and have remorse for what I did. Including ruining his trust in anyone. I told him that no one deserves this pain.

I really don't know what to do now....leave him alone? Send him e-mails of my thoughts? I don't want to give up, but he said there was little chance for saving what we have, and that he didn't want to speak to a counselor because he didn't want anyone influencing his decision....

Still lost - as always. I do love him. I hate myself right now. Hope to be a better person in the future.

Lost in Tx,

Have you told H about this website. This website has many good links with information that may help to clarify things for him.

Is he transfering jobs? Leaving for good? or is this a short leave of absence like a vacation to get away and think?