My wife and I had what I thought was the perfect marriage. For seven years we were the envy of everyone. Loving affectionate, thoughtful notes of love and admiration. Two beautiful and wonderful kids, 3 and 5. I never thought anyone could come between us. But they did. I walked in on my wife and her best friends husband 3 weeks ago. Before I opened the door I heard the sounds of their lovemaking and saw them full monty when I opened the door. I get naucsess (sp) when I think about these things. I worship her and she has totally broken my heart. I am a broken man. They say it was only a two week affair and they were together four times. So should I multiply those numbers by five to get an accurate number. I am also dealing with the problem of telling his wife. If I tell his wife there's a good possibility my w will lose her job and I can't make mortgage. My w has few friends with keeping tyhe children and working 1 1/2 jobs. I'm sorry this is long and scattered but I'm an emotional wreck as I write this. My original question was how do I rid myself of the demons that have consumed my every thought for three weeks.

KB:

That's got 2 be one of the worst ways of finding out about a spouse's A (affair). But this is far from unrecoverable. Know that!

Have you read the articles on the home page? They helped me tremendously when I first found out a year and a half ago.

There are tons of fine folks here that have had similar experiences, and I'm sure that before long you'll be getting all kinds of good help.

I'm sorry you've had 2 come here, but glad that you are here. You can look forward 2 a lot of help from a lot of good people here.

regards,
-2long

It is important to 'flush' those deamons away...
...but as your going through it, dealing with it (and it will take some time)...
...learn about Plan A...
...and work on developing a strong Plan A ASAP...

No one gets the 'forgiveness' mentallity down...
...overnight...
...give yourself some time with it.

Check out the General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies).

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

I am so very sorry for you. Your wife totally disrespected you and herself. She betrays you and has sex with her best friend's husband in your own home and bed? I would not believe much of what you wife has told you. I would immediately insist on her being tested at once for STD's.
What a delimma to be in. Your wife clearly has a broken moral compass. I can understand why she has few friends. It is sad that you feel you are unable to tell the OM's wife.
Is your wife remorseful or is she only sorry that she caught caught? I would strongly suggest marriage counseling but ask yourself if you can forgive and if she can ever be trusted. I am really sorry for your pain but you have to decide what kind of person you are married to and can she really change? What do you think her attitude would be if the roles were reversed? What is she doing to make it up to you? Do you think this is the first time she has been having an affair on you. If you caught her in your house and in your bedroom and she said at least 4 different times then I would think she has really crossed the line. What is it that you want and what are you willing to settle for? Nobody deserves what you have been going through? I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My original question was how do I rid myself of the demons that have consumed my every thought for three weeks.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Profesional counseling, anti-depression medicine, and time will help you overcome those demons. But you must understand that your personal recovery is only 3 weeks old, and that you are going to need more time, maybe years, before you can overcome this ordeal. You are not alone, we are here for you and your W.

I just read your other post where you said your wife has shown little or no remorse and has hardly shed a tear. What is wrong with this picture? No consequences to her action equals no motivation to change. If she shows no remorse then you should consider the alternatives. I wish you luck.

Bryanp:

Time.

-2long

Thank you for your replies. What I want is to look at my wife and feel like I did about her on Father's day. I miis that feeling so bad. She wants to act like nothing has happened. she says that she would rather focus on us and the future. it makes me angry sometimes that she doen't act like she's hurt that she hurt me. I have'nt asked for many details. what she's told me is that they have done it in his car and her brand new Tahoe that I bought her. Anyway I guess none of that matters. What you have to understand is that we were totally happy or so I thought. Sex was great and frequent. It disturbs me that she could be doing that and come home and look me in the eye and even make love to me on the same day. When his wife calls her it infuriates me because she had an affair with this woman's husband and can talk to her with no remorse. I don't know what to do. I can't really afford counseling. i guess that's why I came here.

What a snake!

KB,

I think you need to tell OM's W. She is still in contact with your W, and the lying your W is doing will inhibit any chance of rebuilding this marriage. You telling may cause your W to lose her job, but if she works with OM's W or OM for that matter contact needs to cease. You should not be expected to be in contact with OM or his W following this affair. Ending contact suddenly will cause OM's W to wonder what happened and you might as well be honest about it.

I also think you need to sit your W down and in a non-LB way tell her what you feel, what you need, and ask her what her plans are. You need to find out why this affair took place, if there has been other affairs, and yes get tested for STD's. It is very common for the WS to want to "move on", but the problem is that they have dealt with things for a lot longer than you. So they know the story. Your W has not mentioned whether she has implimented no contact with OM has she? If so, did she do that?

Please read about plan A and Plan B. And then realize as others including Coffeeman have said this take time and patience.

hey KB- nice to meet you- sorry you are here. but that tells you something you need to remember all the time- you are not alone and frankly I think you've come to the right place!

get your "house" in order- your heart- relax- do the right thing- don't make rash decisions in anger-an A is not about your lacking- its about WS weakness and their lacking alot of things. set some boundaries- call your medical doc and get some xanax-or something! you would have to take it for years and a high does to get addicted- get something- it helps worlds to keep you rational. hug the kids. tell your WS to get tested for STD's- it doesn't matter who the OP was-get tested. call the OP spouse- do it for them-consequences are there but out in the light is the quickest cure for alot of ills- hug the kids again- start praying- and I will too.

PEACE OUT

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: sprezzatura ]</small>

Hi KB,

I'm sorry you had to come here.

I get the impression that you W wants to rebuild the M? I agree with MC. Very valuable.

Three weeks seems like a very long time, but in reality, you are at the beginning of the whole process.

Is it the OM's W your W works for? It does not matter, whether it was OM or OM's W. Your W needs to find a different job and no longer have contact with them. If she had a friendship with OM's W, that is over with now.

Welcome KB96, under unfortunate circumstances you came to the right place...

I will say this, the pictures will dissapate, maybe a little longer for you since you have an actual visual but they will go..I remember when i first found out I didn't think they would ever go away, and I am talking graphic images, but now I only have occasional moments. As for forgiveness and moving on it can happen, but you need to work with your W to discover the why's, and radical honesty is part of it, she has to be a large player in this.

bryanp; I can understand why you might feel she wronged him, but I feel your judgement may not be helpful. Instead of telling KB what a snake his wife is maybe help with his recovery. She did a horrible thing, but you are judging her on nothing else or their M on nothing else..Just a thought...
D

The OM's wife deserves to know about the affair even if it means that she looses her job. She can always find another job. The problem is that your wife sees no consequences to her adulterous actions. I agree with Bryanp that she has lost her moral compass. No remorse and no concern for your feelings should indicate to you that she feels no guilt to committing adultery and that she would probably do it again if she feels she can get away with it. Unfortunately, marriage counselling will not help to instill moral values. Your love for your wife may have blinded you to overlooking her lack of high moral values. The person you thought she was is not the person she is.

Welcome KB96, under unfortunate circumstances you came to the right place...

I will say this, the pictures will dissapate, maybe a little longer for you since you have an actual visual but they will go..I remember when i first found out I didn't think they would ever go away, and I am talking graphic images, but now I only have occasional moments. As for forgiveness and moving on it can happen, but you need to work with your W to discover the why's, and radical honesty is part of it, she has to be a large player in this.

bryanp; I can understand why you might feel she wronged him, but I feel your judgement may not be helpful. Instead of telling KB what a snake his wife is maybe help with his recovery. She did a horrible thing, but you are judging her on nothing else or their M on nothing else..Just a thought...
D

( This was a stupid post - sorry!)

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: doofus ]</small>

I don't know her level of remorse. She has not asked for forgiveness but she says it is because She knows that I won't give it so soon. When she talks to ow I don't mean no remorse, I mean like nothing has ever happened. They'll talk about OM and My W just laughs with her. Get this, one week after I caught her her friend calls up and wants to go out and my W actually asks me to come. The OM would't be there, but still. She did say that she shpuld never have asked, and I'm like no s!!t. She just walked in and read all this stuff. I didn't write to you guys anything that I haven't told her. she keeps asking me if I want her to an emotional wreck like I am. If I want her to be unfunctional. She just drove off. I have always loved her so much. I don't want her to be a wreck I just want her to ask for forgiveness without me having to ask. This sucks

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: KB96 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she keeps asking me if I want her to an emotional wreck like I am. If I want her to be unfunctional.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no doubt about it, your WW is in total denial of the damage her A has caused.

What concerns me is that you haven't told us whether you expressed to her that unless she ends all contact with the OM, and looks for another job, that the marriage is in danger of ending. Have you done that yet?

Yes I have. What you have to remember is he was my "friend" also. I actually had a civil conversation with him yesturday. He told me a few things that let me know my wife was telling me the truth on most things and still lying about others. I asked her Saturday night how their first sexual encounter took place. I didn't want detail, I just needed to understand If he was playing my wife or if she pursued him. She lied to me again after we had both promised to be totally honest. She thinks the truth will hurt more but I told her I couldn't possibly be hurt any more than I already am. Whaty she does't realize is that if she would just be honest The road to trusting her again would begin. I don't know she's been gone a while now and I'm worried.

Dear KB,

I just want to comment on some statements that you made.

First, you said that if you tell the OM's wife, your wife might lose her job. This implies that your W still has some contact with the OM wife, or the OM. If so, the affair might not be over. If you really want to recover, your W needs to send the OM a no-contact letter, send a copy of the letter to the OM wife, and you and your W need to move, preferably out of state, so that your W will never see the other man again. Then your recovery can start.

Then you say that you recently bought your W a new Tahoe, but you cannot afford counseling. I am not trying to be harsh, but if you can afford a new Tahoe, which probably cost about 30k, you can afford counseling, it is just a matter of priorities. Please click on the "counsel" link at the top of the page and make an appointment with Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley-Chalmers as soon as possible. You will not be disappointed.

Third, you mentioned that your W has not shown any remorse. This is not surprising. At this point, there is no remorse to show. If her affair started like so many others, she justified it in her mind by telling herself that since you were not doing whatever she needed, she was justified. Unfortunately, this is probably because she is still thinking about how perfect the relationship with the OM was. As long as it was a secret, she and the OM were able to insulate themselves from the troubles of everyday life. I believe that if the OM wife knew about the affair, things would be very different. Also, you and the the OM wife could do whatever it takes to make sure the affair is over and does not start up again. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.