I am very sorry for your pain. I can totally relate to your story. My H's OW was also my FORMER best friend AND married to his best friend. He also had the nerve to bring her into my home (6 mos after I was her matron of honor). It's a pain beyond compare when you are doubly betrayed.

I suggest the following:
1. counseling. don't let $ get in your way. My H and I spent over $5000 of our own money for it. We would not be married today without it. It is almost impossible to recover without it. Also, while everybody here is well meaning, we ar not professionals.

2. Read the book Torn Asunder and the article shattered vows at findarticles.com
These were both extremely helpful to my H and I.

3. Insist on absolutely NO contact and until she complies, work on yourself but don't go crazy trying to work on the marriage. It won't help until she's ready.

4. Journaling can also help. Gets your feelings out and helps you to vent.

5. His wife does need to know. She has been exposed to the threat of stds. I very much resent that I was lied to for so long about this.
She needs to know the truth to make an educated decision.

6. Prayer. Lots of it.

good luck. keep posting and know you will find support here.

Hi KB96,

That is terrible, and shocking. I know, it has happened to me too. When I was 9 months pregnant with my 1st son, who is 13 now.
Do what you can to keep yourself together for you and your children right now, even if it means seeing a Dr., praying, counseling. Your wife is in extreme denial right now. She can't really be of any help to you at this time, so you have to take care of yourself.
At the time I was so young, and didn't know I needed counsel or anything else, I just rode with the pain for so long without help. I hope you do not do that. You need the support of friends and family also.
It sometimes takes so long for the healing whether you choose to stay with her or not.

Don't let money get in the way, the OM's W does need to know even if your W loses the job. I know it puts you between a rock and a hard place again, but it's the right thing to do.

May God comfort you, guide you, and help you through this tragic time in your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ladysheep

KB96,

IMHO, you need to get yourself stronger before you take this issue further down the road. Your personal recovery needs to happen first.

While I agree that the OM's W is entitled to know, your W's current attitude may not be condusive to that knowledge right now and the financial impact may not be a risk you are willing to take.

A few questions:

1. Are you in counseling? IC or MC? Try phone couseling with Steve or Jennifer.

2. Have you seen a doctor about anti-deps?

3. Have you been checked for STD? Your W also?
NOTE: Just because you know OM doesn't mean you know OM.

4. Read His needs/Her needs.

5. What are your thoughts as to why your W is so nonchalant about this A thing? It doesn't make sense NOT to have remorse. If she doesn't get it, then you may need to look deeper for other reasons or issues. Where there more OMs?

Sorry but these topics often bring out more pain before the healing is felt.

take care and keep posting,
L.

4.

You must speak to the OM wife. You must.

IMHO,

For you to think the marriage was "perfect" while she is sleeping with another man in the marital bed is pretty dramatic.

She is telling you, loudly and clearly, that the marriage that you thought was "perfect" was making her miserable. She is not apologetic about the A because she doesn't feel sorry.

You need to start listening to her, but not for an apology--find out why this happened. And, find out how you could possibly have made such a tremendous miscalculation. It could very well be that you were so interested in making the mortgage payment you failed to pay enough attention to WS.

Affairs happen because the M was not meeting the emotional or physical needs of the WS. Drop your quest for an apology and start working on finding out what was missing and whether the M can fulfill WS's legitimate needs.

Jimmy Mac-I find your tone harsh. He doesn't need a lecture right now. Imagine the horror of what he's living through. Actually, there are some people in very good marriages who still have affairs. Sometimes it's based on selfishness. Or depression. It doesn't have to be the BSs fault. I find that often times it's due to low self esteem. There was recently an article in People magazine about this very topic. There are more and more affairs in otherwise happy marriages due to the increasing number of women in the workplace. Most As start at work, where people are all dressed up and on their best behavior. I'm sorry, but your post seemed very much like what he doesn't need to hear.

Jimmy mac, I was very attentive and very affectionate. She did open up a little bit last night. She told me that she was bored with her lifestyle. I guess she needed a little excitement in her life that I was not giving her obliously. I have tried to fulfill her needs> I am not the always gone husband. I don't have hang out friends. I don't play golf ect.If I was not at work I was with her. I don't consider myself a homebody. I like going out and doing things with her. I do need to get tested for std and seek counseling. I do Know that, because I am a shell of the man I was three weeks ago.

KB for your wife to bring someone into your bedroom and have an affair with because she says she was bored with her current lifestyle is about as disrespectable of an act as I have ever heard of. She obviously doesn't love you as much as you love her. I'm sorry that these words hurt but you have to take a good look at this situation and realize that she is not the person you think she is. This might be a patterned that may continue in the future because she shows no remorse.
I wish you luck

Carl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maggierose:
<strong>Jimmy Mac-I find your tone harsh. He doesn't need a lecture right now. Imagine the horror of what he's living through. Actually, there are some people in very good marriages who still have affairs. Sometimes it's based on selfishness. Or depression. It doesn't have to be the BSs fault. I find that often times it's due to low self esteem. There was recently an article in People magazine about this very topic. There are more and more affairs in otherwise happy marriages due to the increasing number of women in the workplace. Most As start at work, where people are all dressed up and on their best behavior. I'm sorry, but your post seemed very much like what he doesn't need to hear.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Couldnt agree more......I have a friend who USED to cheat on his wife almost weekly. I used to lecture and get on him all the time about it and asked him why he felt the need to stray.....His answer........He doesnt know. He said he was happy with his wife, attracted to her, she was a good mother, the whole shot. He said he thought it was just because it was a different woman. He enjoyed the excitement and sex. Well, lets just say something dramatic and horrible happened that made him change. Otherwise he would still be cheating, with NO, and I repeat NO excuse for it.

I don't know about the whole remorse thing. I can bring it out in her I think. She get's very pissed at me because she thinks that when she breaks down I feel better. I just want to hold her then. Maybe because It makes me feel as though she needs me again. I'm sorry for the hurtful things that I say to you. I will try to stop "shooting arrows at you and no I don't want you to leave <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jimmymac I have listened to her. I have asked her all about those things. How can I be the man she wants me to be? I have asked that question. What was it about our marriage that made her do this. She says our marriage is great and that it was her not something I did. I don't know what else to say.

I'm having difficult buying into his version.

KB96 thought he had a perfect marriage (not a good marriage, not a great marriage, but a "perfect" marriage) and then he catches his wife in his own bedroom. Isn't that a huge disconnect between KB96 and his W?

Before and during an A, there are hints and signs everywhere that the WS is having problems. Yet, somehow KB96 misses all of them. Then, KB96 says, "I'm very attentive." Huh???? How can that be?

If you want the marriage to heal, you have to identify the problem and work on fixing it. You make progress in fixing the problem, and WS will feel remorseful and you will get a sincere apology.

KB said his WW said she was bored and needed excitement. That is really NOT a problem in a marriage. Maybe his wife just likes adventure more than he does.......or should I say DRAMA!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

KB96,

I'm sorry this happened to you. I never caught my X with OM but during the height of THEIR passion I got a video in the mail of them doing it. This was as my X and I were drawing closer even though separated. End's up OM sent it to me. Not that I didn't know what was going on but to see it is rough. That was one of my final straws as I assumed it was sent with both their knowledge to hurt me. It wasn't but his tactic worked.

My X never showed remorse either...until her OM left her for someone else. It took that for the fog to clear. She thought they were getting married. He played and used her like a fiddle. It's too late for us though.I Do Feel sorry for her, she gave up a lot to be with this "man".

I agree with BRYANP here. There's not a lot you can do with people that have such low morals and disprecect for their respective spouses.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

My early post & KB96s crossed...it is not a reply to KB96s.

It is not your fault she did what she did. She is an adult and is responsible for her actions. There are consequences to what she did--and one of those consequences is that she has a very unhappy husband who is very confused and very hurt. She has a bunch of confused and hurt children. She has to deal with that.

But, it still is true that there was something she wanted but wasn't getting out of the marriage. You and her have to find out what it was and then determine if she can get that.

It could very well be that what's missing is within HER and not something you're doing wrong. It could be that she's insecure and needed the attention she got from the OM. Don't feel too bad about the remorse/lack of thing. It took my H a LONNNNNNG time to ever show that. At first he was only sorry that he couldn't be with her and did the 'oh, poor me' routine.

Some people really are more selfish and only care about how their actions affect others. Jimmy Mac-what excuse can my former friend have for what she did to ME? I did nothing to hurt her and was the best friend I knew how to be. I walked her dog everyday so she could work late. I cooked for her, traveled with her, cleaned her house to surprise her, etc. She wasn't even all that attracted to my H so what could her reasoning have possibly been? My counselor said that some women use sex for power. I think she was lining up H #3 in case H #2 didn't work out. Surprise, it didn't! And yes, she is now remarried again. What will this guy do to CAUSE her to cheat again? Nothing. Sometimes people just do what they feel like doing. Period.

I am certainly not perfect and have made many mistakes. But in a million years I did nothing to deserve my H and best friend going into MY house and MY bed and breaking my heart.

Oops, I meant to say don't care how their actions affect others.

(This post had NOTHING to do with helping KB96 and his wife recover from their problems, so I've removed it.)

(KB96 and KB96's wife - I wish you both the best in recovering from this mess. Hang in there. Things will get better!)

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: doofus ]</small>

A better way of looking at it is to ask:

"Why do you think your marriage was vulnerable to an affair?"

I was a good wife who filled my husband's needs and stayed attractive....and sexy. Our marriage was still very very vulnerable to affairs.

Hi,

I believe that adultery/infidelity is a matter of the heart, and only the person's fault who commits it. I believe it's a lust of the heart toward another person, and has nothing to do with love. It's a trangression, a sin, and a character defect.

It is not the innocent spouses fault!!!! Whether EN's were met or not!!!!

It's the worse form of abuse that a spouse can do to the other spouse, besides killing them.

The only healing that can come first, is forgiveness from God, and the person hurt.
Then all MB principles put into work.
Only God has the power to remove lust from
the heart through forgiveness and cleansing.
His way.

Our Father who are in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day,
our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses/sins,
as we forgive those who trespass/sin
against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom,
The power and the Glory,
forever. Amen

Sent with Love, Ladysheep