Hi Gingersnap
Well, my jaw is on my knees. You have been so encouraging and helpful to me these last few days. I was just looking through and saw your name and started to read. Let me just say you are one strong woman. Anyone that can bear what you have and still be so giving is a truly amazing person.

I have a story for you, bear with me I will try to get to a point.

My grandmother lived 46 years with her husband(moms stepfather). For 46 years he did not much more that B**ch and complain and throw orders around. He was abusive to their son and never gave encouragement. Wouldn't even take my grandma on a holiday. Even I never looked very forward to seeing them because they always seemed miserable. Didn't even talk to his son for last couple of years. 3 weeks ago he died of cancer. He was even giving orders to my grandma on his death bed and she jumped. 3 weeks my grandma has been crying.
I talked to my mom and she just doesn't understand. Thought maybe now her mom would be able to enjoy her life. But grandma is lost. My words to my mom where, miserable or not that is all she has known for 46 years. Day in and day out he was there and she catered to him. She has totally lost herself. I told mom to relay this to her:
Life is about choice. You live by the choices you make in life. Now she is in her 70's and she can chose to live the rest of her life enjoying every minute and smelling the flowers or she can chose to be depressed for the rest of her life. Nobody can make that choice for her only give her encouragement. If she chooses to be miserable she will push people away from her. After all you can only give a person so much encouragement before you give up.

Ginger, don't look back 30 years from now and say who am I? I don't mean give up on your marriage because that is obviously not something you want to do.(I would not have endured all you have)But find yourself a passion in life, something just for you. Even if it's basketweaving, be the best darn basketweaver you can be. If you find a passion you will find self esteem with it and it will radiate from you.
Take a look at people around you, you can tell those that have passion in their life. Take a look at Richard Simmons lol. He is a funny little man but people love him because he has such passion. Don't let time pass you by. Even your H would look at you differently if he sees that you are moving in a forward direction. Don't let him see you as someone he can walk on but someone who loves who she is and is willing to put herself on high priority.
I'm rambling now and I don't know if this last part has come across excactly how I wanted but I hope this helps.
Someone with the courage you have and the ability to help others is someone who can achieve great things.
Keep your head high and your shoulders back.

PM

Thanks so much all of that was so sweet.
I have always been the strong one that is why this is so hard,rarely in life I have let others into my world or pain.I don't mean that I don't have friends that I share with but everyone here probably knows more about me than my own family.
For some reason I have always thought I had to handle every situation on my own.That is one reason my H A has been so hard on me.This I did not know how to handle,it cut through me like a knife.

Your words of encouragement have not fallen on deaf ears,I know what I need to do,it is just doing it that has been so hard.

I don't know why but it has always been hard for me to accept a compliment,I have never thought of my self as anything but plain and ordinary.When people have told me otherwise my first reaction is to say no that is not me.I know this is an area that I need to work on to know that it is ok to say to myself I am something and someone special.Maybe some day in the near future I will be able to do that.

Thanks again for all your kind words.
I will chat with you again real soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger,

I'm hoping to get to Chapter Four tommorrow and haven't forgotten you. An affair can really damage a person's self esteem.

I found this little list for rebuilding ginger, maybe some of it can help:

Set one realistic goal for yourself each week. In high stress periods this may be nothing more than eating three fairly nutritious meals a day. In more moderate periods it may involve signing up for an enjoyable evening class or joining a divorce support group.

Keep a "Thumbs Up" journal. Every day write down something positive about yourself. On good days that might include the completion of a successful ad campaign at work. In more challenging times it may simply be that you have nice eyebrows! These notations can be things you're good at, have accomplished, or that are simply part of you. Set a specific time of the day to write in your journal, and don't skip a day!

Compliment someone else. Make it a sincere compliment - not a phony one. How often have you thought: nice dress, or good work, or you've got a great smile, or you're such a good dad? Well, don't just think it, say it. Making someone else feel good always has a boomerang effect!

Honor the Positives. List the reasons you're a great human being. (If that phrase made you wince, you may need help with your list!) Include things you do well, like gardening, auto repair, software development, writing, child care, weaving, and so forth. Use the following qualities as a springboard and add your own:

Athletic
Cheerful

Compassionate
Courteous

Dependable
Empathetic

Encouraging to Others
Energetic

Ethical
Firm Friend

Free-spirited
Funny

Generous
Gentle

Giving
Helpful

Honorable
Intelligent

Inventive
Kind

Loving
Musical

Nurturing
Optimistic

Peacekeeper
Physically Fit

Practical
Reliable

Resourceful
Thoughtful

Wise
Anything Else?


Develop and repeat affirmation several times a day. Use the following and go on to make up others that apply specifically to you.

I am a deeply good and loving person.

I'm as important as everybody else. (Sometimes it's very hard to convince yourself of that!)

I am capable of handling my own life.

I am a loveable person.

I am strong enough to ask for help when I need it.

Accept that you are NOT the mother or father of the world. It's not your responsibility to make everyone else happy all the time. In the first place, you can't make anyone else content. In the second, nobody appointed you God. (I'll bet you never thought of it that way, did you?)

If other people look to you to smooth out every wrinkle in their lives, they're the ones who have the problem. Let them know as diplomatically as possible that you'll support their efforts, but the outcome isn't in your hands. It's in theirs.

In time you'll come to value yourself more and to put your needs on a par with other's. And as you cope better each day with starting over, you'll increase your self-esteem immeasurably. Just remember to apply frequent pats on your own back!

I know some you can put on your list. You are modest, humble, generous and kind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Star

I am beginning to feel like thanks just isnt enough anymore.You always seem to send or say the right thing at the right time.

I know I need to work on my self esteem,even H says that, he does not understand that it is years and years of not feel good enough alot of it brought on by him, that I need to get past.

I promise I will try.This will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life........think of me.
Remember I like easy,it is so much easier to do for others,to help someone else,to do it for myself will be really hard work.

Hi ginger,

Haven't gotten around to Chapter four yet LOL, so let me just put it here.

So....we were transferred to Trinidad in the West Indies. We lived in a small town called San Fernando, in a really awful house. The year before there had been a coup d'etat and there was still a curfew at night and a black list at the stores. It was impossible to get most of the food we were used to.....no good beef....more goat than anything. Except they wanted you to pick out your own goat!!! I told them that I didn't like to get to know my meat before I ate it. Big change! Still the Trinidadian people are lovely and generous and full of life. My daughter was the only blonde in her school....so she felt a bit out of place, but we all adapted and were pretty happy.

We were only there for 6 months when we got transferred to Caracas Venezuela. They had had a coup d'etat the MONTH before we arrived. Our hotel still had bullet holes from the battle. We moved at Christmas time....a hard time to move kids to a new place. About that time, my mother who had been sick for a long time, took a turn for the worse. I had to go back to the states to care for her. At first, I left H with the kids....but that didn't work out. I had to go back and bring them with me. I put them in a school in New Orleans for the four months until my mom died and then we went back to Caracas to live with dad again. The kids were not too happy about moving again, but I made some fabulous friends and the school was really good. We had two other couples who we hung around with and went on adventures into the rain forests and to the Amazon. It was great adventure. I learned to speak Spanish. We had a cool apartment that a few of the whole city....of 7 million people. It sounds exciting, but alot of it was very scary especially in the beginning. Still, we were happy. We were there for 2 and half years and then got transferred back to Trinidad. My kids were in 4th and 6th grade by this time and were again, very unhappy about the move. The moving was beginning to take a bit of toll on us.

So.....I'll end there for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How is your weekend? My H is fishing.

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Star I could not have lived your life.I like to see new things but those kind of moves not for me.
Now I will say as Sue said to me,my life looks like a walk in the park compared to yours.

My weekend?I worked today and I work again tomorrow,I always work 6am to 2:30pm,H works also today 3:30pm to 12:30am so we don't see each other on these days.He has kept so busy all week we have probably only spent about 2hrs.together all week if you don't count sleeping next to each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here is another typical story of time with my H,I think you will enjoy it.

My H asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner last night.We had not had any time together all week so I was very happy to go.
We get to the restraunt and he sees some people from town(the big wigs who have there hand in everything)so we are in line to place the order(it was one of those steak places where you wait in line place your order pay and then sit down and the waitress comes to do the rest)any way we are in line he leaves me in line to go talk to those people,I let everyone go ahead of me,still no H.
The girls tell me I can come and place my order I say I'm waiting for my H.
I stand there about 10min,I'm thinking I am going to walk out get in the car and drive home I wonder if he will notice.
He finnally sticks his head around the corner and yells out babe just order me a steak,I'll be right there.
I order the food,pay for the food,find us a seat,the waitress comes over to find out all the other stuff,still no H.
Finnally he shows up looks at me and says your mad are'nt you?

I swear this man has no brain,what will it take before he sees what he is doing.And he said I was the one who never gave him any attention!!!!!!!!!

Other than that I guess my weekend is fine so far.

ginger,

That is atrocious....but you know what? Stop letting him do that stuff. How you ask? Well, I'm going to have to give you Southern Lady lessons I can see that. When it came time to order, you march right over to that table and say "Why good ev'nin' gentlemen! I hope you don't mind, but I've come to steal my husband back....cuz I'm just stawvin'" Give them a wink, laugh and hook your arm through his. I do it all the time. I'm constantly having to corral my husband. I'm not saying he shouldn't get on the learning curve! and realize how rude this is....only that he is going to do a whole lot faster if he knows you might come and get him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Great advise

I should ad that after he asked me if I was upset,he said his usual three lines

I love you.
Have I told you how beautiful you are.
I'm sorry,I'll try harder.

It is always the same thing.

Yes, my husband is a charmer like that too....and it never means a doggone thing except he's trying to talk his way out of the dog house. But I do honestly believe that a little polite assertiveness could help your keep your feelings from being trampled on so much. I'll tell you why this thing I just described to you works so well. First of all, it lets your husband know that you want to be with him (which of course he should know already). It lets him know that you aren't going to be ignored or neglected without speaking up. (assertiveness, radical honesty) But most importantly, when you go over to that table (or any place else you happen to be) those men are all going to tease him about it. Sometimes, right then and there. When they do....oh well, I can't resist the temptation to take things a little farther and add "well what can I say? I just can't keep my hands off of him". Now, every man at that table is jealous of my husband and he feels like a million bucks.(admiration) Works like a charm. But the biggest reason that it's worth doing....is that I don't feel awful and I get to be with my husband instead of another ruined night out.

Maybe I will try it next time.

If it works I wont have any more great strories about H for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (just kidding ofcourse)

He has gotten a little better he use to sit down and then turn around and start up a conversation with the people in the next booth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> or read the news paper.

I am still trying to figure out how he ever came up with the line his W never gave him any attention <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Okay....Time for another chapter.

So we moved back to Trinidad. This time there was an American School and I lived in Port of Spain in a nice house. By this time, my H had gotten one promotion after a another. So he was the country manager for Trinidad...big shot. I had wonderful friends. Lots of parties. Help in the house. H and I were very happy. The kids were not so happy though. When we were still in Caracas, she had started be sick all the time. I got her checked, but we couldn't find anything. She began to be really unhappy and I started her in counseling. By the time we got to Trinidad, she was getting in trouble all the time at school, and still unwell. I flew back to the states and they couldn't find what was wrong. Inspite of that. Our time in Trinidad was some of the happiest of my marriage. I still have close friends there who I stay in contact with. The music, carnival, the expatriate life...very fun!. We were there for 13 months, and h got promoted and we got transferred again. This time....to Anaco, Venezuela.

This is when my marriage started to unravel. My husband accepted this position without asking me. I have three requirements for a family location. Then have to have decent schools, decent medicine, and it has to be safe. I had learned this the hard way already, and I didn't want to make compromises about these things. Anaco had none of these things. All of it was compromised. And I had to be dragged kicking and screaming there. This was a little dirty town....with nothing in it. The housing was not nice...nothing was nice. My daughter seemed to be sick all the time. I was unhappy, but we had friends and were trying to make the best of it, but we were starting to argue alot. H has long hours and stress was wearing us all down. Then the surprise of my life. At 42, I found out I was pregnant again. My other children were 12 and 14. My D was getting ready to start highschool and the school there had lost it's accreditation.....so she would have to go away to school. She wasn't well. I had had big complications delivering the first two children....had to have transfusions both times...so I was very high risk. And we were in the middle of nowhere. We had only been there for 6 months, and it would take some time for H to get transferred. So we made a decision. H stayed there, and I took the kids....and my belly back to the United States. We ended up living apart for a whole year....a horrid year. But that's the next chapter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Star,

I was begining to think you forgot who I was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Just kidding I know how busy you are with everyone here and your family.

Ok I could not have lived your life but that last place your H moved you to sounds a little like the town I live in now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Same thing here I was never asked if I wanted to move I was kind of told,it was move with H or stay with kids and have a long distance M.I chose to move.

I have lots of questions but the first is were you alone when you had the baby?
I read on someone elses thread a little of your experiance that you shared with them of having the baby at 42.

Second question,was and is your D ok?

ginger,

Sadly my daughter is not okay. This has been a horrifying experience for her. She is very "closed", but is getting counseling and refusing to discuss it outside of that.

I went through the whole preganancy alone.....and during that time.....it was very difficult. My H was in venezuela...the big manager, with his boat and taking ladies out. I was in the states..with no one....and my daughter was falling apart. A big part of what eventually undid my marriage.

How old is your D now?

And when can I expect the next chapter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

she's 19, and though I am her mother...she is the most strikingly beautiful girl you have ever seen. I'll send you a pic if I ever get my scanner working. I'll try to get to the next chapter really soon....tonight if I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm assuming you read about the fact that she was raped recently? But maybe not....it's been hard ginger. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Is that what you're talking about?

No Star I did not know that.

I am so sorry it must be terrible for both of you.I can not imagine, I have delt with so much with my kids but never that I don't know how I would handle it,I am sure you are doing a great job.She is lucky to have a mom like you.

And I saw your pic.so I am sure she is a beauty.

And I will add that I have 2 girls that are not bad looking themselfs.
My H is mexican so my kids all have that really nice spanish look to them.They are not real dark but they are not real light like me.

The other day at the store one of the girls told me that my 17yr.S should be on the cover of GQ. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ginger,

Your girls sound stunning. My daughter looks nothing like me....well except for her body...her coloring is completely different. She favors her daddy. Long blond hair, aquamarine eyes, full lips and singing voice you wouldn't believe. She plays the piano and is in quite a few bands. She's on stage alot. Right now she's got the lead role in comedy production and plays at some of the clubs in her town. But I digress.

When I left Anauco, I was very afraid for my marriage. Pregnancy was never something my H tolerated well. In the past, it had played havoc with our sexual relationship. In fact as you recall.....his first indescretion occurred at the time I was pregnant. I was worried about that. I was also worried about the latin ladies and how aggressive they are in Venezuela. There were tons of affairs going on in this company. Marriages were falling left and right...especially there because the women are so lovely. It was January when I left, right after Christmas. I didn't realize at that time that it would be a whole year before we would live together again....or I don't know how I would have handled it.

I decided to move to Houston....because they had great public schools, excellent medical care, and it was a straight flight from Venezuela to Houston. My husband's brother and his wife lived there, and I believed (inaccurately) that they might help me. I found a house, got the kids in school, furnished it, painted it and tried not to think about what my H was doing all alone down there. Pregnancy was hard at 42, I felt big and ugly and lonely. Everytime I called my H he was too busy to talk to me. He was having a good time living single is what it sounded like to me. I felt as though he should be more aggressive about getting his company to move us, but he wouldn't. He came to visit once in March when we closed on the house, but not again until the baby was born.

Meanwhile, my daughter was happy, but once summer came and she realized we wouldn't be staying in Houston as soon as H got transferred, she began to act out....badly. She was horrid to me....sassy rebellious....started getting into trouble. By the time she was ready to start the 9th grade in high school....I had a real problem on my hands.

July came, and the baby was breach and had to be delivered by C-section. My H came in for a week, and then left and I was very alone....no transfer in sight. Our short visit was not a good one. He seemed distant and antsy. If he had an affair while he was there....I have no way to prove it. Chances are....he may have. But we had been so happy before, I really thought we could make it past this obstacle. Now I had a newborn, a 14 year old who was out of control....and of course my angel...Parrish who was 13....don't know what I would have done without him. He is a special child....caring and loving and helped me as much as he could. The baby looks just like him...he'll never have a son who favors him more.

So the next chapter will start in the fall of 1997.

I know all about rebellious 14yr olds. my youngest just turned 15 on sunday so that was my fourth time around.

I would not want to be having a baby at my age,I know how hard that must have been and to be alone.My H never was much help or support during pregnancy all though he always seemed to like seeing me pregnant.He thinks I am to thin he would like me to gain weight,so I think he enjoyed the time when I put weight on.

Cant wait to hear your next chapter.