Today I was looking at all the books that had to do with saving your marriage. And I was just thinking why would anyone choose giving up on there marriage and family, let everyone suffer all the hurt and pain that this process causes rather than doing the work to resolve the problems? Is this just to simple? To me it seems just that simple. If you choose to want to be happy in your marriage than the work will be worth it. Maybe I'm just not living in the real world? <P>thanks for listening<BR>deb

dumpedwife,<BR> Why would your spouse pick divorce over marriage? Maybe to be with someone else,who they think can make them happy? --Murph

My H said, "Why would I be motivated to work on the marriage, when I am happier now?" Once the affair addiction takes hold, all that matters is their immediate happiness.

<P>No s..t Nellie1.<P>I <B>HATE</B> how self-centered my W has become the last 3 months.<P><B> THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS HER HAPPINESS</B><P>What happened to Commitment, and Sacrifice, and Family !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<I>"...why would anyone choose giving up on there marriage and family, let everyone suffer all the hurt and pain that this process causes rather than doing the work to resolve the problems? Is this just too simple?"</I><P>Speaking as the person who left the marriage, I can say <B>NO</B>, it's <B>NOT</B> that simple! I worked really very hard on reconciliation and solving the marital problems. Unfortunately my XH was not as interested in the same; he was untruthful, disrepctful, and treated me dishonorably. XH's betrayal reached to so many levels, and on such a consistent and continual basis, that it became impossible for me to have any love, trust, or respect for him anymore...<P>It takes both partners in the marriage to make a marriage work. In my case, only one of the partners was making an honest and real effort. XH abandoned me to solve all of our problems on my own, took me for granted, treated me like a doormat. After sweating much blood and tears to try to salvage our marriage, I realized that all my efforts were in vain because only one partner (me!) was trying... <P>I "chose" to try and be happy in my marriage, and that didn't work. Why? ...because it was all an illusion, nothing changed or was changing, and I only became progressively unhappier and unhappier...<P>Sometimes a marriage <I>isn't</I> salvagable. Sometimes you have to leave in order to salvage, instead, your own body, mind, & spirit. I know that's what I felt I had to do in order to remain sane and whole.<P>FWIW, my family and friends are happy that I'm out of what was a bad relationship; that I've moved on with my life and am rebuilding. A continually unhappy marriage hurts far more people than does a divorce. Sometimes people just have to go their own separate ways in order to discover who they are and what they truly want & need out of life.<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

When there are four young children involved and the most the leaving spouse can say is "I'm just not happy" or we're just two people raising kids. I just can't see where the leaving rather than fixing would be the beter solution. I'm just trying to understand how after eighteen years of marriage it's all of a sudden I'm just not happy. And how could you even think you'd be better off with some 25 year old girl.

After 19 years of marriage and six kids, my H decided that he could "never be happy in a relationship with me" and that we were "not compatible". Of course it doesn't make sense.<P>The self-centeredness is one of the things that bothers me the most. I asked my H a few months ago what his goals were for the kids, and all he came up with was that they realize they could do anything they wanted with their lives - nothing about being good people, or responsible or thoughtful - goals that not long ago would have been high on his list. The selfishness is more than just about things that benefit him - it seems to pervade his entire world view. He told me tonight that rather than my driving out to lend our daughter a computer when hers died, she should type several very long papers in the computer lab. Apparently I should be selfish too.<P>A book I read labeled the anger many betrayers display toward their spouses as "narcissistic rage", and said that many betrayers feel their spouses are persecuting them.

I to am the betrayed yet I am willing to get past and try to make our marriage work. I do believe that there must be a time when enough is enough. I just wish that the other spouse would be willing to do the work also with great rewards i"m sure, but they just can't. If I could figure it out I guess I wouldn"t be here to begin with huh!!!!!<P>deb

Gosh Deb, I feel that we have the same ideas on marriage. I too was betrayed and I tried every desperate measure to save our marriage. We have two girls 7 & 9. They were just as devestated as I. My soon to be ex is very selfish. His money, his happiness, his house, his cars, his furniture, etc. But he never mentions "his" children. Just that he wants custody (so he doesn't have to pay child support to ME with "his" money.) Do they ever come back to reality and see just how many lives they wreck, I will never know. Mine sure hasn't. He just forges forward. He always tells me to get on with my life. Yet my perception of getting on with my life is totally different than his. And of course his is the right way. So be it. It kills me inside and sometimes I feel like I am truly dead inside. And sometimes I just don't care if I ever feel alive anymore.....far to pained......far to sad.... I hope for many people that they do wake up, but mine will never see the light, he is too far up his married girlfriends [censored]. OOPS, sorry......no, I'm not bitter.HaHa Nancy