Married 37 years, found out 2 months ago H(60 years old) having an affair with 27 year old. I asked him to stop seeing or speaking to OW, he refused, I asked him to leave the house, he did. We're both seeing seperate therapists. He doesn't know what he wants, to reconcile or to divorce. Keeps saying he needs more time. He does not call, I have to initate any calls . He asked me not to call him for 10 days, so that he could see what it's like to be alone. He is living with his cousin and her new husband. I respected his wishes and did not communicate with him for the 10 days. This weekend his father called me and let me know that he had approached his son as to wether we were having marriage problems and my WS admitted we were, but did not give any details. Father-inlaw asked me to tell him what happened and why I had asked WS to leave the house. Told my father-inlaw that his son was having an affair with a 27 year old woman. I later called my WS and told him that I no longer would lie for him, and that I told his father the truth. WS didn't say much, other than he would call me back. I'm sure hell will freeze over before he does. I think he is to guilt ridden to face me or talk to me. Since he refuses to initate any communication with me, how much longer do I need to give in to him. I'm ready to either see a therapist togather or just go to the next step and file for divorce. When I ask him if he wants a divorce, he says he doesn't know yet. According to him and our children, the affair is over. He is just wants me sit on the fence and wait for him to make a decision. What do I do now? : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Deana2!!!

Well how about if you fence sit and wait for his fog to lift? I'm rather new here but I can understand you in wanting things to go fast!

Look I been there... still I'm there as a matter of fact... fence sitting and waiting for my H's fog to lift and I think that after 4 months it's starting to lift. I can relate soo much to your post. I also asked for the things you did and received the same answers wich meant at the time my H has been abducted! and there was nothing I could do about it... So.... what did I did? and helped??

I read MB the theory like crazy, got into therapy, got antideps, read storys of ppl here and came to realize my H behavior was "normal". Meanwhile I got me into fix myself and grow and learn... Deep change takes time, and now you both don't need a bnad aid. He needs time for the fog to lift and you need time to heal from his betrayal.

The best advice I received here is DO NOT MAKE any desicion regarding M in the first year. Of course that is if you can avoid it.

Take good care on you. Don't let this beat you down, at least THAT down. There are a lot of us who are on this ride and it gets pretty bumpy. Save your strenght and welcome to MB!.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Deana2,
Since you are sitting on the fence why don't you give yourself a time limit. Say 6 months. You will not make any decisions about your marriage for that time. It will take the pressure off of you. After 6 months you will have a much better idea of which way your marriage is going. After 37 years what is 6 more months? I hope that you will continue with your IC. From my own experience it is better to go by yourself than with a partner who is not honest and is not willing to do the 'work' to fix the problems in the marriage.
Good luck. HB26

Matilda and Heartbroken,

Thank you for thoughts and sharing your experiences. My concern is that my WS will not initiate any communication with me. This is seems counter productive and it seems to be pushing us further apart. I have no idea what is on his mind or what he wants or doesn't want. I just feel as if he is calling all of the shots. I would like to move on, either togather or alone. At my age (55), life is to short to wait for him to have the fog lift. Neither of us have meet each others emotional needs in the last 10 years. I tried therapy and marriage counseling with him about 5 years ago. He went to couseling with me, but was very negative and refused to return after the therapist told him that he was the one not trying to make the marriage work. At that time I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said np. So we have been existing togather for 10 years. Now this affair with a younger woman. Like I said, his refusal to initiate any communication with me is what is the most frustrating and killing me. Do I stop initiating any communication with him? Onthe occasions that I have called him, I can hear in his voice that it bothers him to speak to me. He has said talking and seeing me is too uncomfortable for him. Would appreciate any advice on whether I should stop communicating with him?

Hummmm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My concern is that my WS will not initiate any communication with me. This is seems counter productive and it seems to be pushing us further apart. I have no idea what is on his mind or what he wants or doesn't want. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And for some time he will not. Let him be. Do as he said the further you push the further you will get him appart. Well I can bet you have no idea of what is in his mind... and don't try to figure it out any time soon. This is not the man you knew, this man was abducted by aliens and it will take some time to come to his senses. Beleive me I'm new at this but that much I have learned so HAVE PACIENCE.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just feel as if he is calling all of the shots. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well life is not fair and yes I understand how you feel that way becasue right now he is calling the shots or... well you can turn that and ask for a D right away BUT I WILL NOT ADVICE THAT!. In truth neither of you are calling any shot. Look at this time as a waiting time for you both to clear your minds and heal. He has not asked for a D right? So he is not calling ALL the shots <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Please put your pride away for the time being and just wait so again HAVE PACIENCE.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would like to move on, either togather or alone. At my age (55), life is to short to wait for him to have the fog lift. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree here, I understand your need to move on but this it too sudden for both of you, and in the meantime are you willing to waste 37 years of M? I don't think you do. At least just not now, you just think your situation is unique and hopeless but there is hope! Just hang in there. It doesn't matter how many times I have to repeat you this you both need time you to heal he to come back to his senses...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Neither of us have meet each others emotional needs in the last 10 years. I tried therapy and marriage counseling with him about 5 years ago. He went to couseling with me, but was very negative and refused to return after the therapist told him that he was the one not trying to make the marriage work. At that time I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said np. So we have been existing togather for 10 years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well it seemed to me the counselor didn't work back then? Why you didn't seek another one? Why you stoped working on it? Anyway you got a new recipe here on MB a brand new one right? How about if you give it a shot for hummm let's say a year? and after that you decide? See? I hate to leave a thing without trying it all. And lady if this this is my M for all the more reason to work on it! So I gave me a year to try to fix. And there is only one way to know right? either you do it or you don't. The question for you is ... if you don't do this now... can you walk away from M in peace? Do you think that you gave it all? Only you can answer that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now this affair with a younger woman. Like I said, his refusal to initiate any communication with me is what is the most frustrating and killing me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok ok...

Repeat after me. My H is in the Fog, this is not the man I knew... My H is in the Fog, this is not the man I knew... My H is in the Fog, this is not the man I knew... (new mantra for you) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get it? So don't expect anything from him while he is in the fog. You will only get more frustrated and hurt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I stop initiating any communication with him? Onthe occasions that I have called him, I can hear in his voice that it bothers him to speak to me. He has said talking and seeing me is too uncomfortable for him. Would appreciate any advice on whether I should stop communicating with him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok If I didn't made myself clear before... Your H is in the fog and meanwhile he is still there, there is nothing much you can do. Beleive me on that so yes I would advice to stop comunicating with him. You have to decide what you sould do. in my case I would prepare myself for do a FULL plan A or do the 180

In any case read all there is to read here... You will learn a LOT.

Take care

What great advice! Listen to Matilde, she's very wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And remember, by going about your life and not initiating contact, that is your way of having some control of your life. You can only control your own actions. Not making futile attempts at communication with him is the best way to wrest back control of your own life.