6 weeks ago my husband of 10 years confessed he had had an affair 2 yrs ago. The night he confessed he was a broken man, very sorry and full of pain. I told him it was too painful for me to talk about, so he went to see our pastor the next day and has been willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage heal. We have been blessed with a lot of time together lately, as he has changed jobs (we will be moving) and it has helped the healing process. In packing for the move, I find things that remind me of the time when he was having the affair (it lasted 4 months) and I just get angry! She was one of our babysitters so even our children's toys remind me of the infidelity. Anyway, my question is:
He has been very honest with me about his sexual past (we are trying the Radical Honesty stuff)and he told me things tonight, from before we were married, that really made my stomach ache. He says he has more to tell me and I don't know if I want to hear it.

Would it be counter productive to the healing process if he not tell me everything? What if something happened while we were dating...do I need to know that if it will cause me so much more pain? I am pregnant and don't know if I can deal with it. This is a tough pregnancy for me (my 8th) because we lost a baby last October to Down Syndrome and sometimes I just can't function.

Welcome to the forum birdmom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There are those on board who follow Radical Honesty to the letter....that believe that "historical" honesty is absolutely necessary. But knowing your H had other partners and knowing the details of each sexual encounter are two different things. The details are certainly within your descretion. My H had many partners before he married me. I know this. It's important to know this. But I am NOT interested in their names, descriptions etc. It will not slow down the healing process at all for you to choose not hear about the details of his other lovers. When and IF you are ready to hear these things....you can ask....but right now, take care of you and that baby and lower the stress level a bit. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Birdmom,

How sad for you. I believe much in Radical Honesty too. That wrong was killing him inside, and it is good that he confessed it finally. Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed, and he did do that. But to your detriment, and pain. I feel so sad for you.
I don't blame you for being angry, that is a normal reaction right now. I would probably be freaking out, but thats just me. Please becare-ful because you are pregnant. A lot has happened to you in the past 2 yrs, with the pain of losing the baby, and the A.

It's probably not a good idea right now, but after having the baby, you should see a Dr. Believe me, this is not something you will be over, over night. It may cause you some depression, if it hasn't already.

The thing is, is that he is remorseful. You would definitely have a harder time if he wasn't.
You will probably be angry for a while, just ask the Lord to help you with that daily.

I'm almost afraid of what else he has to say to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

Did the OW give the toys to the children? If she did, it would be difficult to take them away.

Here is an article that may help in dealing with all of that with the children.
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

Are you both seeing a MC?

May God comfort you, and give you an abundance of peace to help you through this.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thank you Starfish and Ladysheep for the kind words. I can't say how much help this board has been for me since I found it. Just to know that there are others dealing with similar situations is a relief.

"Did the OW give the toys to the children? If she did, it would be difficult to take them away."

Yes she did and I was able to get rid of them without the kids noticing. You know how it is with a lot of kids and way too many toys...they just don't notice. What a blessing!

No, we don't have an MC yet. It's difficult because we are in the middle of a move, so leaving our current church is hard for me. I'm kind of trying to separate and hope for a new start in the new city.

I am worried about what my H has to tell me as well. We were both with others before being married (although my past is pretty "clean" and I have worked hard to be the faithful stay at home wife and mom...that's what I get) but he told me last night he had been with a man once when he was very young. It wasn't abuse or anything...he was an adult and it was part of a drunken, drugged out evening. I can't say how shocked I am by the whole thing. He has no interest in men, but he just says that "he's pretty screwed up sexually". Like I said, I'm just numb and feel like leaving everything behind right now, but I am a Christian and now it's the only thing keeping me here. That and the fact that he keeps crying each time we talk. I just feel sorry for him, although my anger is overwhelming.

BM6: A couple of books that helped me get straightened out sexually are: "The Sexual Man", by Hart, and "When Good Men are Tempted", by Perkins. I recommend them to both you and your husband.

I am reading "Every Young Man's Battle" right now, before giving it to my son, and I am surprised at how well the authors put sex in the context of our spiritual struggles to really fully walk with God - it is more a book about how to follow God whole-heartedly and the implications that has for our sexual expression than a book about sex. I imagine the adult version, "Every Man's Battle", is the same.

My wife and I are currently reading "A Celebration of Sex", by Rosenau, together, and we are both finding that helpful.

As for Radical Honesty: I agree that "how much detail" should be determined by YOU, not him. You should really have a discussion about how much you want to know, right now. You may want more later, or you may not. I would encourage you to try to listen to everything he wants to say, eventually, because I think it will actually improve your emotional intimacy, but you are the one that has to decide what you can tolerate right now, and you already have more than any person should be asked to bear, what with the affair revelation. Put a pregnancy on top of that and a recently lost baby... well, you may need some months before you are ready to handle any more.

birdie,

You may or may not be surprised to know that homosexual experimentation in adolescents is both common and fairly normal. If you do a search on the internet....you will find numerous articles that will help you understand that this happens frequently to young men and women. It can, unfortunately cause some sexual confusion, but not always...sometimes it is just a rite of passage. Chances are, that your H is NOT a homosexual if this was a one time thing.....so please don't give this thing any more POWER than it already has. Help him do some research where you can both come to terms with something that is not as abnormal as it seems. Find some peace in knowing that it happens to normal heterosexuals and doesn't have to be follow him into his future years. I would suggest that he get counseling if it is still bothering him after all this time, and the books John recommends are an excellent source of information. Be encouraged and don't lose faith. All of this...can be overcome.

Thank you again for the replies and the book suggestions. H just finished reading "Every Woman's Desire" from the Every Man series and I have been thinking of getting the "Every Man's Battle" book since now I know that is the root of our problems. Porn is in his past as well, but for the past month he has been pretty transparent and it hasn't been an issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Starfish, thanks for the encouragement on the issue of homosexuality. I do think it was just experimentation and H really regrets it. He says it's his darkest memory. My fear is that he is going to tell me he was with a friend of mine when we were dating or something like that and I don't think I am emotionally equipped to deal with the embarrassment of that right now. So I think the deep, honest conversation about the past is going to be put on hold.

Thank you again!

I am in agreement with the ideas to not tell more detail than is desired by the BS. After all, I'm not sure how much of a need to know person my H is about this.

However, I am faced with an interesting situation. My H wants to call OM's W to talk to her about the A. OM's W discovered the A, while I just recently confessed to my H, who had no idea. OM's W found some particularly graphic letters and statements that OM and I wrote to each other. My H does not necessarily know about them because he has not asked about every e-mail, IM, etc or every detail about what I saw in and had with OM. After all, we are only 3 days after d-day.

I have not lied to my H, but I have also not gone into great detail about anything unless he has asked, as I know he is in so much pain. But by talking to OM's W, he may find out some of the graphic details. They are going to hurt him pretty badly I'm afraid.

There are also a bunch of new revelations I have had after reading and posting on this board (what my idea of "love" was for OM, etc) that I have made since then. Most of what she saw was my "fog." My H has not seen it because by the time I told him, I was pretty much out of the fog. But by hearing her say it, he may believe I still want to be with OM. Help! (PS - although suggested, he has not looked at, opened his mind, or understood MB, so he won't even know what a "fog" is.)

Any thoughts? I just don't want to go into absolute graphic detail about my e-mails if it's not something he wants to hear (and I do mean graphic). I still hate that I put us in this place. Forever regretful.

bird pre-marriage information is not generally a part of recovery from an affair.

Why? Because most everyone has a past totally unrelated to the person you married. Its only relevant if events pre marriage impact the marriage...by that sexual abuse or issues that follow into the marriage, sexual diseases that may follow into the marriage like certain STD's or might impact having children, encounters that resulted in children etc etc etc etc.

But how active one was with others before marriage is another matter that should be a personal matter of choice not an obligation under radical honesty....he/she is not being secretive post affair by not discussing pre marriage/affair activities that were not discussed before the affair if that makes sense inother words they are not withholding something that they were not already withholding affair or no affair.

As to post affair if you truly subscribe to radical honesty then that means exactly that.

Choosing to OMIT things is no different than openly lieing....sole difference is lieing is an active deciept while omitting is a passive deciept but both are deciepts.

Remember he lived the affair he knows everything. You only have bits and pieces to work with.

If he leaves out something he thinks you will not find out and you doe you will see that as him continueing to lie and decieve you....something that will not bode well for recovery.

Click on the link below and read it all. It will help you understand the need most betrayed spouses have to know what all happened perhaps even let him read it:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad ]</small>