Got home from work the other day to find my wife had taken all her stuff and gone.
She left a dear john saying she had met another man 6 weeks ago and had fallen in love with and was moving in with him. I had know idea this was happening our lives where normal. She has sworn my friends not to tell me.
She had met this bloke in a Boy George party she had been invited too through a friend, and he is a free lance film editor.
My friends have visited her and met this guy, who is a big lovey,a fake and a snob, all he could do is talk about himself and what he had done.
She told me that she is in love with this guy in a stronger and different way than she had for me. I have tried to get us back together but she is totally infactuated with this guy. She will not listen to me at the moment as i guess the excitment of a new romance is blinding her. I am at my wits end and dont know what to do. I really want to save our marriage but I really thinks its over.

Hi Martin,

I am sorry you came home to that. I know how painful it must be.

Your W is in what is called a fog. She cannot really know someone after 6 weeks. She will really get to know him now. You cannot live with someone and hide your true self.

I found the book Surviving an Affair very helpful. I ordered it off this website. I think some bookstores also carry it. Others have recommended Torn Asunder. I have not read it.

I was warned to be prepared for an emotional roller coaster ride. So, I'm passing the same on to you.

If/when you W comes out of the fog, do you want to work on your M?

do you have children?

How long have you been married?

If you have not done so, read the basic concepts link and Plan A and Plan B links on this website.

And Welcome

Weve been married 3 1/2 years there are no children all of my friends have grouped around me she has alienated her family and they cannot understand what she has done. She has also left her job which was around the corner from where we live. I am beginging to think that i am better off without her. And that is what everyone else is telling me.

I hate to say this, but for your WW to just up and leave and abandon you.........literally!..........is not a very good sign of what kind of character and what kind of person this lady is. I dont know, I would cut my loses...especially if there are no children. What if she were to bounce again 5yrs down the line and there are children involved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am beginging to think that i am better off without her. And that is what everyone else is telling me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, don't let what they're telling you factor in very much. A year and a half ago I'd have sworn that I'd walk out the door if H ever cheated, but I'm wiser now and I'm glad I didn't make that decision. Only you know whether there's enough good in the relationship to consider letting her return if she wants to.

I find it helpful to make plans for what you CAN do at this point. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Read Surviving an Affair, the articles on this website, and the posts on the board. They're very useful.

2. Remember that you can't make her do anything and that she's so deeply in the fog that anything she says or does at this point is going to be complete madness.

3. Please seek counseling for yourself, and if anti-depressants are needed, don't be afraid of trying them. This is a very traumatic time and you may be experiencing PTSD.

4. Concentrate on what you can do for yourself. Exercise and proper diet are important for your health and stress reduction. Find other things to improve your life and focus on them.

5. Don't blame yourself. We all have problems in our relationships, but she made this insane choice of her own free will.

You'll get tons of great advice here. There are a number of wise survivors who can help you through this. Use this resource to help yourself understand what you're going through and ease your burden. We're with you.

Thanks for you reply's guys.
I really am not going down the anti depressant route they really mess you up !
I think your right i will cut my loses and stuff her !
she has agrred not to take 1/2 the house of me but she wants all the money that she payed towards the mortgage back. Quite honestly i dont care about the money. I just want my life back and to stop feeling guilty about the whole thing. I keep thinking if only i had done this or not said that it gets quite bad sometimes.

NO WAY would I give her back half of the mortgage money. Consider it rent. She screwed up, don't help her get her life back together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by martin99:
<strong>she has alienated her family and they cannot understand what she has done. I am beginging to think that i am better off without her. And that is what everyone else is telling me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My circumstances were a bit different, but when I divorced, none of my family or friends were upset.

unfortunatley she is legal abliged to 1/2 the equity of what i own.
Basicaly what she is asking for is a drop in the ocean compared to the value of the house.

Martin

I beleive that part of you wants to rebuild your marriage otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Since she has left you, I suggest that you implement Plan B. Send her a Plan B letter, even if you agreed to and already filed for divorce.

IF later on she contacts you and expresses a desire to come back home, DO NOT allow her to do so without first agreeing to the following deal breakers:

1. To end all contact with the OM forever and to send him a no contact letter.

2. To follow a marital plan of recovery that includes counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley ( Marriage Builders Counseling or Penny Tupy(Our resident MB coach here at the forums who can also be reached at Save Your Marriage Central ) AND strict observance of

Without those two deal breakers, your marriage is on death row.

Martin99,

I read your post and had to respond. You are going through the exact situation I did in Dec. 2001. Two weeks before Christmas I come home from work only to find an accusatory note from Ex and her and the kids gone, with most of their possessions. I too, never saw it coming. Most of the issues she wrote to me in her Dear John were untrue and amazed me. We had just finished having a great time finishing up Christmas shopping for the kids.

I made the BIG mistake of crying, begging and pleading. Trying to get her to return. I think that's a natural reaction, but as you'll read here, doing that just pushes them into the OP's arms even more.

If I had known then what I know now from this site and the people in it. I KNOW I whould have picked up on the signs of her unhappiness and potential A. The signs were there, I was just blind to them. So read everything you can and order the books. You've already been given advice to dump her. Assuming this has happened to you recently I would say do nothing until your head clears. If you're like 99.9% of BS's you're pretty emotional right now and make a decision you'll later regret. Just ask my XW. She had been talking to OM for about six weeks as well, sharing the secrets of our M, things she was unhappy about. Those two only spoke bad things about me and OM reinforced those feelings until she was convinced I was Satan and she had to leave immediately and run to OM. I guarantee the OM in your situation has/is doing the same thing with your WW. They all do!! Chances are the OP, especially men OP's, will do anything they can to get your WW away from the BS. They are only looking for one thing most of the time.

Hence the moral of this little story. My WW made her rash decision. We are now D. She is living in a small 2 bedroom apt. with two girls. No more large brick home for her. She can no longer be a stay at home mom, and the "love of her life" dumped her for someone else. She actually called me told me has done some terrible things and this was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. I am not gloating, not at all. I feel sorry for her. But this was the result of her rash decision.

Sorry this was so long. I just wanted you to know you are not the only person that has been done dirty like this.

Take your time, you've already had fantastic advice from others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck, whatever happens, it's going to take a lot of time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by getting better:
<strong> We are now D. She is living in a small 2 bedroom apt. with two girls. No more large brick home for her. She can no longer be a stay at home mom, and the "love of her life" dumped her for someone else. She actually called me told me has done some terrible things and this was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. I am not gloating, not at all. I feel sorry for her. But this was the result of her rash decision.

Sorry this was so long. I just wanted you to know you are not the only person that has been done dirty like this.

Take your time, you've already had fantastic advice from others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck, whatever happens, it's going to take a lot of time.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you take her back though????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

thanks getting better, the thing is have you moved on ? are you a better person for what has happened are you happy with your new partner if you have one?. I have already asked for a divorce and she is seeing a solicitor this Week. I think my wife has been bedazzled by the glitzy party life of this film editor and she always has loved dressing up and doing this stuff. The thing is the fact that she has been touched intamtley by this bloke, makes me feel sick and i would find her repulsive in this way.
I wrote her a letter telling her it would be hard for her to come back but our love would pull us through but i really think that this letter is falling on deaf ears at the moment. The longer she leaves coming back to me the harder i will find it to reconcile.
I have met someone in a similar situation and she is 1 1/2 years from seperating from her husband.
We have so much in common its untrue she is the complete opposite to my wife.
My wife and i really didnt have much in common at all and because of this i believe that is one of the reasons we split, as we where basically 2 independant people she had her soaps on the tv and shopping and i do extreme sports. I also love the country side and walks where as she hates this stuff and would rather go shopping !
The only thing we really enjoyed was drinking and clubbing which we havent done for some time. I guess this guy can offer this sort of life to her and i cant.

thanks getting better, the thing is have you moved on ? are you a better person for what has happened are you happy with your new partner if you have one?. I have already asked for a divorce and she is seeing a solicitor this Week. I think my wife has been bedazzled by the glitzy party life of this film editor and she always has loved dressing up and doing this stuff. The thing is the fact that she has been touched intamtley by this bloke, makes me feel sick and i would find her repulsive in this way.
I wrote her a letter telling her it would be hard for her to come back but our love would pull us through but i really think that this letter is falling on deaf ears at the moment. The longer she leaves coming back to me the harder i will find it to reconcile.
I have met someone in a similar situation and she is 1 1/2 years from seperating from her husband.
We have so much in common its untrue she is the complete opposite to my wife.
My wife and i really didnt have much in common at all and because of this i believe that is one of the reasons we split, as we where basically 2 independant people she had her soaps on the tv and shopping and i do extreme sports. I also love the country side and walks where as she hates this stuff and would rather go shopping !
The only thing we really enjoyed was drinking and clubbing which we havent done for some time. I guess this guy can offer this sort of life to her and i cant.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by martin99:
<strong>
I have met someone in a similar situation and she is 1 1/2 years from seperating from her husband.
We have so much in common its untrue she is the complete opposite to my wife.
My wife and i really didnt have much in common at all and because of this i believe that is one of the reasons we split, as we where basically 2 independant people she had her soaps on the tv and shopping and i do extreme sports. I also love the country side and walks where as she hates this stuff and would rather go shopping !
The only thing we really enjoyed was drinking and clubbing which we havent done for some time. I guess this guy can offer this sort of life to her and i cant.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am recently remarried and I stated in another post that my EX and I were NOT good together. We married for the wrong reasons. We were complete opposites on most things. My new wife and I are an almost perfect match.....we have the same interests and see eye to eye on everything. Sometimes people end up together for the wrong reasons.....at least in my case that is what happened in my first marriage.

StartinOver,
I honestly don't know. I doubt I would. Like you stated ,someone that can up and leave like a thief in the night doesn't represent a very good charcter. I agree with you as well on getting married for the wrong reasons.

martin99,
Yes, I am recovered. I'm happy. Laugh and joke again. Had you asked me if this were possible for me a year ago, I would have said you were crazy.
And I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm enjoying single life for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by getting better:
<strong>I'm enjoying single life for now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you......I said I would never marry again after my 16yr relationship with my EX. But, sometimes things happen.....its been a year since my divorce, and Im remarried. I didnt plan on it, it just happened.

Like i said ive met somebody else, and they are convinced that i am on the rebound, but we had a night in together and listened to music that we both really like (pink floyd). We shared a really great moment together something that didnt happen with my wife. Yesterday i felt great because she has installed into me some strength and i could feel my heart healing, Then last night she went loopey at me and said i was unstable. What shall i do to convince her ? I dont wan tto dwell in self pity i wont to get over this. A mutual friend told me tuesday night a few home truths about what my wife was doing behind my back, in more detail than before. I am totally convinced that i will not have her back and i just want to get on with my life, but how can i rebuild it if this keeps happening to everyone i meet ???

Martin,

I am going through the same thing as you. My husband left me and moved in with my best friend. I agree that the beggin, crying and pleading doesnt work.. It does drive them closer to the OP. Silence is deadly and they dont know what your thinking. For them I think its more the excitement and once it all comes out then reality sets in.

In my case I did not realize we had a problem until it was too late. I had to step back and look at myself and what I lacked from our marriage. I have accepted my reposnsibilty (he still hasnt) and have resolved myself to the fact that I cannot make him do anything he doesnt want to. I am trying to stay strong but find each day I am loving him less and less.

Just ask yourself what is more important.. Can you forgive and forget and work to make yoru marriage stronger so that it never happens or divorce.

It takes time to heal and move on. Your new girlfriend may be seeing things you don't?

Everything I've read talks about not becomming to involved with anyone for at least a year.

Unitl we as the BS are completely healed and strong getting involved with anyone else is not much differant from our WS getting involved with someone while still married.

If this helps my wife left and confessed mid march. Her affair ended 6 weeks ago and she went no-contact on me. Well this weekend she picked up some mail I left in the mail box for her and she knocked on the door and it seems as though she may be finaly oppening up just alittle. Hang tough it takes time.

JMHO - But dating someone at this point when you don't know what you really want can only confuse your thought process.