My H's birthday is coming up on Saturday. I have been Plan Aing him for 4 months now. He's finally agreed to work on recovering our R together although the last couple of days have been rough.

Do I go all out like I used to when we were deeply, madly, passionately in love with each other and let him know I still feel that way?

OR

Do I do something different? Like Carol and the 180?

Our 4 children don't really want to do anything with him right now.

Lets talk about it a little bit.
(BTW, I was going to leave this for others comments, but I am leaving for a few days and wanted to comment before I leave.)

What has he responded to best so far?
What does he expect?
Because things are going well, does he have HIGH exptectations?

How are you doing?
Do you have the energy to do something big?
Would your taker be more satisfied if you got him a card and perhaps a small gift but didn't go all out?
What can you be happy with (knowing that this recovery is still a pretty one sided thing) that will pelase him too?

Are the kids getting this from how he treats them, or as a reflection from you and your pain?

What do you honestly think would bring the best results, vs what would be easiest?

What would bring the best results with the least pain for you?

I have another book I may recommend to you that may help these kinds of things. As soon as I finish it, I'll let you know if it's worth reading.

At some point you will probably talk to him and tell him what is really going on. That is, you should tell him about your efforts to restore the marriage, and that he needs to help with it. I don't know when that needs to happen, but do it long before you burn out.

Those bad days are rough on the will to continue, aren't they.

I hope you have a very good rest of the week, and weekend too.

SS

Hi SAB

I don't really know your story but I saw your response on my thread.So I thought I would try and find out a little bit about you.I like to keep close contact with about 4or5 different people here.Some of whom I did that with have disapeared and that leaves me to wondering what is happeining to them.
Anyway can you point me in the best direction to find out more about your situation?

After I find out more about your situation I will come back and answer your question posted here.
As for me on my H birthday it was only 2mo.since D-day and things were still very fresh I think NC had only been a couple of weeks then.He was so involved with OW on my birthday that he forgot it,so on his birthday all I did was make him a nice dinner bought a cake and gave him a card.I had bought a new nighty for valentines day but he spoiled that night by something he said so I didn't put it on. thought I might for his birthday but I cant remember exactly what happened but he did something spoiled the night for me so I did not wear it then either.I still have it put away,he still has never seen it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Gingersnap,

It sounds like your H sometimes acts like mine. You can find my thread at Where do I go from here.

I guess you're suggesting that I keep it simple so that no matter how he responds it won't be a big deal. Our children would rather go away for the day--just us.

How are you?

Hello SAB,

I read a little on your post when I have more time I will read more to get cought up.Did your H have an A? I wasn't sure by what little I had time to read.

As for the birthday,I really am not suggesting anything I was just letting you know what I did.I don't know if it helped or not.I can understand about the kids feelings so many times my kids would say to me "Does dad have to go he always ruins our fun"

Hey SAB havent heard from you just wondering what you decided to do for H birthday.

The children didn't want to do anything for his Bday. No cake, presents or anything. I did give him a beautiful card telling him how I felt about him and signed it with all our names and left in on the table for him.

His day didn't go well. We offered to make him a special breakfast. He turned it down.

We offered to take him out to a special place to enjoy the day together. He turned it down because it wasn't something he'd thought of himself, prefering to spend the day by himself. We went anyway without him.

As I put in my other thread:

When we came back, he wasn't home but came in a few minutes later. He had left a note:

quote:
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Hi Everyone,
I hope that you had a great day at XXXX.

Thanks for the card. (We didn't get him any presents or cake this year because we didn't know what mood he would be in and therefore might not appreciate our efforts.)

I believe that you did not take a lunch with you and had planned to eat out at someplace like McDonald's. In that event you will likely consume your daily meat quota so my thoughts for dinner for you will have to be postponed (roast, baked potatoes, vegetables and garlic bread).

I have gone out to get some fresh air, do some exploring, and see where the day takes me.

I will see you sometime this evening.
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Error #2: Reading that, I thought his idea was wonderful for dinner. We used to make that meal at very special occasions or spoil ourselves. He won't eat it now because he's vegan. I went ahead and made the roast, etc. because I thought he wouldn't be home 'til later. He was very upset to find that I did this he had wanted to make this himself. He emphasized the word postponed. To him--again I was ignoring his requests. Needless to say, he did not join us for dinner. I made a point of going to him and thanking him for the roast, considering us and letting him know that I wanted to talk further with him about what kind of surprises he'd like best at a more appropriate time. He didn't look at me until I said this. He took notice briefly.

However, sometime during the meal he left home without a word and came back an hour or so later. We didn't ask him where he went but told him his dissappearance worried us. Afterward, the children and I had a family meeting about where we might have gone wrong and how best to meet his MIENs.

He didn't say much to any of us all night and went to sleep upstairs just before I started this post. All in all a very dissappointing day.