Ali,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your Husband Plan A'd you???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes my H (WH) Plan A’d me. The concept of Plan A can work in different situations. As far as I was concerned my marriage was over when I discovered his affairs. We’d only been married 9 months at the time. I found that he’d been having affairs through our engagement and our marriage. I felt that there was not the foundation that most marriages have when an affair occurs.. there were not years of history. I figured that our entire relationship was a sham and quite honestly I was afraid of him. If someone could lie to that extent from day one.. they who the hell was he? Certainly not the man I thought I knew. By Plan A’ing me he was able to slowly prove to me that he is the man I loved.. not the other one.. the one who cheated.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he pick up Surviving an Afair or did you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did about 3 weeks after d-day. Don’t know why I did except maybe to try to make sense out of it all. I was one of a small pile of books about affairs that I bought that day. My H picked up SSA, read it and started to Plan A. Then he asked me to read it. I did. I really needed some support because I had not told anyone in my RL about it the affairs. The address to the MB web site was in book. We both posted here together for several months.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am reading that book! I think I am a bit slower than most. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lol, take it in your own time. H and I both read it in one sitting. It seemed so clear to me.. so simple yet it made so much sense.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every time I think I am fine, I fall back on my a$$! I hate the humility that I am feeling. Somedays I am fine while the next like now, I feel like I want to hide. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I now what you are talking about. The roller coaster, for about 3-4 months I was on about a 20 minute emotional swing. I hated it. I do not smoke and seldom drink, but I lived on cigarettes and vodka for the first 2 weeks post d-day. I knew I had a real problem. Got on antidepressants in the 4th month post d-day. They made all the difference. Better that then self medicate. Take very good care of yourself. This is going to take time, a lot of time. I was a year before I could really concentrate at work. It hurt my career.. lost a promotion because I just could not function. They put up with me but I paid for it. Even today, after 2 years I have my moments. There are triggers. I’m struggling with those right now. I’m so tired of totally falling apart when a trigger hits.
The humiliation is a huge issue. It’s hard to explain to someone who has not been through this. It’s is so pervasive. One thing that happened to me.. I’m sharing this so that you can watch out for it and get help from your husband if it happens. At one point, about 8-9 months out from d-day I was so tired of the hurt/humiliation/etc. I just wanted to feel good. I started to want to have an affair. It was like I was driven by the idea…. If only I could have a fling, be carefree, feel the excitement, have an ‘untarnished’ relationship.. maybe I’d get over all this and be happy again. I knew it was pretty stupid. Shoot, I did not even know anyone I wanted to have an affair with. So I told my H, after he got over the initial, he helped my by listening to me and giving me some more attention. It passed with time. The reason I am telling you this is that my counselor told me that most BS’s end up having a secondary affair. She says it’s almost predictable. Though some people feel it’s a revenge affair, it’s more the BS taking action to put themselves on equal footing with the WS. Something strange like that. There have been several thread here on MB over the last 2 years discussing this… the feeling is pretty common.
For this reason, I hope that Randy is aware that he really does need to nurture you through this time. While the two of you worry about what is going on in his head… a storm could be brewing in yours. The struggle to heal can drive you nuts…. I think it has done me in sometimes.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I not ready?? How long does this take to begin the healing? I don't even think I am in the healing process! Do you think I am giving up too fast with wanting a divorce? I am at a dead end! If I wasn't still in love with him, this would be a lot easier! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may not be ready. These things take time… 2-5 years to totally heal. I think I’m on the 5 year track.. We got to a very good place pretty quickly.. only a few months with the help of MB. But the deep healing goes slowly. Something to think about is that if you get a divorce the healing is not going to be any faster. It could actually be worse because now only is there the trauma of the affair, but also the trauma of loosing your husband and your marriage. There is no easy way through this.
In my case, after a very good Plan A by H, I decided to stick around and give the marriage a chance. I am very glad that I did. But each of us has to make that decision for ourselves. I think that it’s best to not rush to a decision to divorce. Just give it some time. You can file for divorce any day you want.. there is no rush. And you want to make sure that if you do, it’s not a hasty decision. We all say that if our spouse cheats we will leave them. But when it happens 98% stay and repair their marriages.
For me a deal breaker would be if he would truly follow the MB rules and rebuild the marriage from the ground up.
It is so easy to want to punish the WS. Oh how I know that feeling. A decision I made was to treat my H in the manner I would like to be treated if I had done something so terrible. I’ve done that.. even when I felt like screaming and throwing things…. It was hard but I did it (except for a time or two when I did loose it).
I don’t know if I’ve been of any help here. Think I just kept typing hoping I’d find something profound that would help you over the hump. Doubt that I did.. time is usually the key. There are no magic pills to make it all go away.
