I had this 'gut' feeling. Things haven't been right since DH lost his job. I've tried to be supportive, I've tried to be happy, I've tried to be loving. Even when the verbal abuse is so bad and my body trembles....I think he is going through a bad time.

Then he asked me to get on the computer to check to see if his brother emailed him. My gut and my instinct had me check 'history' on the computer.

What came next was so hurtful. I can't begin to describe the pain I'm in.

My head is swimming to the point I don't even know where to start.

We've been together for 3 years. Married only 10 months. Third for both. How do these men find me? Am I that vulnerable?

I've looked around...some good advise...but it is hard to digest right now. I'm sitting at work not able to function.

Please pray for me. I am a christian, dearly love God, and want this marriage to work. DH was saved, but fell away when he lost his job. Now satan is running through him and our home.

I am sorry for what you are going through.. it’s a hard thing to deal with.

Start by reading the welcome to new comers. There is a lot of info there that can help.

You did not share what you found on the computer so it’s a little bit hard to know where to start here. Was it chats? Emails? Porn? If Porn what kind of porn. A affair? Many affairs? The answer to these can help determine your approach here.

As for how these men find you? The answer I got when I asked a counselor at the abused person’s center was that they I did not select them, they selected me. And the reason is that I did not have proper boundaries. It starts out slowly.. they do something that would cause a person with proper boundaries to walk off. But we stay, do not notice or at least to not react. So the next time they do something a little bit more outrageous. Again we do not react. And the cycle continues until they are weeded out all of the possible ‘mates’ (read victims) to the very few who have no boundaries and are willing to put up with anything they dish out. That is how they find YOU.

That response was an epiphany for me… I have since established proper boundaries. A person cannot abuse you if you do not stick around and let them do it.

Is the abuse verbal/emotional only? Has he ever hurt you physically?

Bikermom,

Welcome to MB, I am sorry that it has come to this for you, but you have come to a great resource for help of all kinds. Please keep in mind though that few here are professional counselors, but most are willing to offer advice based on life experiences.

What exactly did you find on the computer that was so shocking? I am guessing probably porn. If this is the case, and there is a long history, it should be treated both like an A and like an addiction. Treatment will likely require a professional counselor. IMHO

Keep reading everything on this website if you haven't already. There is much to learn here that can help you with all aspects of your married life. You will read many posts that say that if they had found this website and the Harley principles earlier, they would probably still be married! Read, Read, Read! And Post! I, and many others like me, find that posting is an excellent way to relieve a little tension and vent many frustrations. No one here will judge you, yell at you, or call you funny names, (unless you have a funny name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

It sounds like there may be some mental or emotional abuse in your marriage too. For this I am truly sorry. No one, and I mean no one, deserves that. I hope that you can find the strength, patience and clarity to get help, or get out. I am clearly not qualified to help you in that arena, but there is help out there.

I wish you luck and God Bless,

r0uter

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

I found porn. I have very strong feelings about porn because it has hurt me so bad in the past. He knows this.

Abuse is very strong verbal...then I go into self mutliation. Once he did push me hard enough I fell and bruised my tail bone. This in front of my 6 year old daughter.

I try to set boundries...bet then I want all of us to get along and be happy. He always comes around and apologizes and tells me how wonderful I am. My two ex's never did that.

I have extremely low self esteem which I've tried to work on. My weight has gotten out of control because I take comfort in food.

I've lost my friends because of my ex and now because of DH. His constant yelling at me takes it toll on them.

As for my daughter...she is mine alone. I adopted her as a single mom. She is with us all the time. He is a very good father. She has ADHD and OCD (birthmom was a drug user).

I have to work on a project now, but hope to read more later today.

Thanks.

Hi bikermomx1

Welcome to MB. I think you have come to the right place to fix your M (marriage) if both of you put effort on it.

About your H (husband) looking at porn. Well too many of them got that problem and Harley describes that as an addiction also, so I would advice reading all there is here and seek counseling.

Also about you looking for the wrong couples I want to recomedt this book I hope it helps if you can afford it.

Codependent no more