after 11 yrs of giving everything I have ever had to the one I love,I find out my wife has had an affiar with a co-worker. she doesnt seem sorry, she says so but its an empty lie. She claims she want's to work through this but still lie's. Shouldnt she be begging me to accept her back, shouldnt she ask for forgiveness? why do I feel like I got a kick in the teeth and then slapped? I hurt so bad I want to throw up. I'm the rough tough guy who met a lady 11yrs ago and melted into a sensitve heap of broken heart today. I feel so many things I cant think. I'm alone as I have ever been. how could she do this to me? What was she thinking? Does she love me? how? Why? What about the kids? what about me?!! What about her!!??please help me.
I'm 36 my wife is 30 we have two wonderful kids 9 and 11 we had a fight one of many in the recent past (since this took place) I hounded her because I knew, I dont know how but I knew.
And then she told me the whole thing. I stood there like someone ripped my heart out and put it in the trash can. I love this women like nothing else in this world probably too much. when I think of him touching her it makes me cringe I get consumed with rage,When I think of her wanting to be touched by him or her touching him I want to throw up! She gave him a blow job! what a degrading thing to do to herself and to me. She didnt even make him get a room it was in a car behind a theater what does she think of herself?
Saying all this I dont understand many things like
why do I feel the need to know every single detail of what took place? It almost sounds perverted to ask some of the things Ive asked and wondered.
Why does she seem smug or crass? I know she is sorry I here her in the bathroom crying and saying why did I do this.Why cant she show me this regret?
why do I need that showing of regret?
I'm crying again so I'll stop for now.
I love her with all my soul

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: 2crushed ]</small>

2crushed what you re feeling are normal feelings that one goes through when something like this happens. Can you forgive her? Is the affair still going on? Do you have children? For now read as much info as you can on this website it truely helps one heal. Were here for you.
Stay strong.

Carl

2c:

"afte 11 yrs of giving everything I have ever had I find out my wife has had an affiar with a co-worker."

Welcome 2 Marriage Builders! I'm sorry you had 2 come here under these circumstances, but believe me you've come 2 the right place. Let the healing begin! Start by going 2 the main page and reading the articles about infidelity. There's a wealth of information there! Then get in2 counseling, both of you 2gether or you by yourself. Better yet, get a joint counselor and individual counselors for each of you.

"she doesnt seem sorry, she says it but its an empty lie."

I don't know whether it's a lie or your expectation of remorse, but regardless of that, this is very typical. Don't give up based on this.

"She claims she want's to wok through this but still lie's."

I'm not sure how you can tell that. I know that I felt the same way, though, many times in the past 18 months since I found out about my W's affair. One important thing 2 note, though is that, regardless of what she says, positive or negative, the fact that she's still with you or still communicating with you shows that she DOES want 2 sort things out. Take some solace in that simple fact.

"Shouldnt she be begging my to accept her back,"

Not if she doesn't mean it. You don't want her 2 pretend, either, right? Even if she does want you 2 accept her back, she may not be in a state of mind 2 do so yet. You will have 2 be prepared for this.

"shouldnt she ask for forgiveness?"

Again, not if she doesn't want it. And also, don't be surprised 2 learn that many wayward spouses will be afraid 2 ask for forgiveness even if it's what they want, because they feel like they're bad for what they've done, and so why would anybody want 2 forgive them?

"why do I feel like I got a kick in the teeth and then slapped? I hurt so bad I want to throw up."

Because you have been hit with the most devastating news you could possibly have received. This is worse than being kicked in the teeth. By far. Most people say that discovering a spouse's infidelity is worse than coping with their death. I'm not so sure, but I do agree that when it happens 2 you it sure feels that way.

"I'm the rough tough gut who met a lady 11yrs ago and melted into a sensitve heap of broken heart today. I feel so many things I cant think I'm alone as I have ever been. please help me."

This gives us somewhere 2 begin, I think. Consider this: How did you and your W get along? Did she perceive you as rough and tough? Were you approachable when she had problems, or were you inclined 2 disregard her troubles as insignificant? Please don't think I'm attacking you. I'm just recalling the complaints my W has voiced 2 me over the years, and how I reacted, and how she says that contributed 2 her decision 2 have an A (affair).

2c, there are plenty of people here that have had similar experiences 2 yours (like me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). You can look forward 2 a lot of wonderful support!

Best regards 2 you and your W,
-ol' 2long

Im sorry your here,but it does seem we never get the remorse in the beginning or even later on we feel we are owed.
Take a deep breathe and try to thnk some things thru. Is this something you want to work thru? If so you owe it yourself, and your family to read postings,read the harleys messages and dont be afraid to ask for help or advice. If you go to church go to your pastor, get some help, if not oyu might want to think about visiting a church and getting some help. There often cfomes a sense of peace thru those doors.
The hows,when and whys are things that will come out little by little, Be strong, you are not alone.

pat...
i was exactly where you are 2 months ago.
after 18 years of marriage, and things being pretty damn good.

all i can say is it DOES get better. You are gonna hurt for a while, but that starts to ease. If you love your wife, and she loves you and you both feel you have what it takes to work through this, then hang in there - read as much as you can here, get some support from others.

My wife and I are doing better and finding out more about each other than we have in a long time. I guess we got too comfortable with things, and both took things for granted and failed to communicate our want and needs to each other.

Best of luck to you. This place has been a big help !

Sorry your here, one thing I would suggest is see you doctor and get some anti-depressant meds., they will do alot as far as setting you on the path to think rationally and not emotionally.

Be thankful of one thing, your wife, no matter how bad it sounded to you when you found out about the A, wants to work things out.

There are those of us here who would love to hear that from our W's, but dont, so not only do we have to deal with the pain of the A, but also that reconciliation is not going to happen.

I posted for the first time today. All I can say is stay strong. I envy your wife....all I ever wanted is my husband to love me with the strength and determination you have for your wife.

Not in my cards.

Hang in there.

You are obviously in a lot of pain. I was a WS (wayward spouse). People want to know, "what was the WS thinking." When I answer the question, some people get angry. So, please, I am NOT saying she is right. I'm telling you what she is thinking.

First, your marriage was not providing for all of her emotional needs or her physical needs. She went looking for something to fill her needs elsewhere, and mistakenly found something that she thought would help her. She was wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2crushed:
<strong>Shouldnt she be begging me to accept her back, shouldnt she ask for forgiveness?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has been very, very unhappy in the marriage. She started to resent that you were so happy while she was miserable.

So, you now know just how unhappy she was. She is probably thinking something along the lines of, "Welcome to my world."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
why do I feel like I got a kick in the teeth and then slapped?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you HAVE been kicked in the teeth and punched in the stomach.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Does she love me?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Why?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she do it? Her needs weren't being met by the M. It got to the point where she couldn't stand it anymore and tried to get them fulfilled.

If possible, you and her have to work on finding out what was missing that she wasn't getting and whether the M can provide that for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
why do I feel the need to know every single detail of what took place?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are human.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Why does she seem smug or crass?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, the marriage was not the "wonderful world" you thought it was. There were some serious problems. She sees that you finally are understanding that something is wrong.

Stop trying to get her to ask for foregiveness. Try to understand what the problems were that caused her to end up in an A.

TALK TO HER. LET HER TALK TO YOU. LISTEN TO HER. It doesn't mean she is right. You don't have to agree with her. You do need to understand her.

2sorry - I hope you will be able to find the support and encouragement here that I have. I am the WS and I just told my H about my A two days ago. Here are a couple of my perspectives, as my H's reaction has been very similar to yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she doesnt seem sorry, she says so but its an empty lie. .... Shouldnt she be begging me to accept her back, shouldnt she ask for forgiveness? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is an incredible amount of self-guilt and self-hatred that fills us when our A's are revealed to our H (either voluntarily or not). I often feel low, degraded, and worthless - I went against all the values I once had. Sometimes it's difficult to express these emotions in front of the one who you hurt. I am so remorseful, I don't know which way to turn. But my H even said today that sometimes he sees a blank look on my face and thinks that I am not sorry at all. When in reality, it is the sorrow that has consumed me. It's also hard to ask someone else for forgiveness if you haven't given it to yourself - take it from someone who is there.

The how's, why's, etc will slowly come out. I respect you for coming to this board. I wish my H would. It shows that you are thinking of doing just what this site implies - building.

If she truly is sorry, like most of us here, she will realize that she needs to change (for the better, of course), and the marriage will need to change. I look up to many of the people here (Forever Hers, Just Learning, Chorus, 1293, Hope4 us). We are all in different stages, but the network of support and ability to view from all different aspects is very helpful to the understanding and easing of the pain.

Good luck.

Hi Pat,

Welcome.

I understand your pain. It does get better, it takes time.

When I first found MB, I was a wreck. This place helped me keep my sanity. Read the links here.

I purchased the book Surviving and Affair (SAA). I found it very helpful. I ordered it from the bookstore on this website. I have heard it is available in some of the big bookstores. I loaned my book out to friends, and they said it was very good and helpful.

What you are feeling is normal. Wanting to know details is normal, not perverted. After all, you want to know if she did things with OM (other man) that was supposed to be special between the two of you or if she did things with him that the two of you never did.

There is many here for you. Even though she has not shown you remorse, it sounds like she is remorseful privately. That is good. Remorse is good. It is a step further ahead than some of us here.

Take care

I dont think that the excuse "her needs were not being met" is valid nor do I think it is acceptable as an excuse for what she has done to our family. if her needs were not being met she should have expressed this in a heathy way not by seeking out a 20 yr old boy to seduce to prove she still had it! I tell her everyday how wonderful she is, how sexy she is, how lucky I am to have her. I'm open to suggestion from her to change things that make her feel anything other than like a queen. But she used that love as a sword to decapitate the person that cared the ,most ME! I hurt from this more than anything anyone could have done to me. She was and anyone else that does this selfish act is SELFISH to the definition of the word and or , self consumed, self absorbed, self destructive.
she claims it was not about sex, well I dont understand that nor do I subscribe to that bs. It was once and in a parking lot and it was oral sex that she preformed and she removed her own pants with hopes to take it further when he stopped her. If this was not about sex then I'm completly at a loss for what it was.I just got angry which causes me to shut down. Anger for me is a manifestation of fear and I'm full of fear. The thing I fear the most is losing my mind and I'm just around the corner. HOW COULD SHE PUT ME IN THIS MUCH PAIN, HOW COULD ANY OF YOU CHEATERS DO THIS TO ANYONE?

2C: You've gotten some GREAT advice for the former WS who posted to you. For some tools to get you down the path to recovery, click on the link in my signature line.

Give this some time before you make any decisions. You can divorce any time. You can only work on your marriage now. From someone who has been there, you will not really know for some months whether or not you want to stay married. But, if you don't make progress in the meantime, you will not want to. - so don't sabotage your chances.

When does the overwhelming need to cry stop? I love this lady with all my heart and when I begin to think, of her, with him, I want to scream and crawl under my desk. I'm far from perfect but I have provided a stable calm loving home for her and our children. a home where nothing is taboo to discuss anything goes lay it out there lets discuss it lets work on it together. and then this she shoots me in the heart with a cruise missle. The disgust and the pain are very hard to deal with. My 11 year old heard us argueing that day and knows about this now she came and asked me if Mommy was really a WHORE! how could this be happining to us what did we do do to deserve this when will the pain stop? when will we be a family again its been only a day or two but things are getting worse and worse she just called me and was chipper and seemed happy its killing me.
please help

You wanted to know "why" and I told you my opinion.

What she did was wrong and caused a tremendous amount of pain. She made a terrible choice. And, she there are consequences to her actions.

Screaming at her and calling her names isn't going to solve anything.

And, for God's sake, keep the kids out of this. They are not going to react to this the way you think they are. They love you and they love her.

You say you want to save the marriage. Then,
go to counseling. LISTEN TO HER. TALK TO HER. TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

Pat,

I understand the pain you are in. Your W having an H does not mean she does not love you or your family. Yes, it appears that way to the BS.

Your W, being chipper, may be her way of trying to bring some normalcy to the situation. Trying to bring some happiness back.

Have you read the links on this website? Basic Concept?

If recovery is to happen, you and your W, need to work on rebuilding.

YOu need to work through the pain of discovery.

Also, did you call your W a Whore? if so, I understand that was done in anger, it is counterproductive if you continue to do so. Expecially in front of the kids. They do not need to hear this. There is no room for name calling. No matter how hurt and angry you are.

Yes, I have been hurt enough to call my H names, but not to his face. I have vented it here.

Do you want your M to work? Do you want to rebuild your M?

I have heard from others here, those who are in recovery, that their M is better than before the A. That is something to look forward to.

YOu have choices here, you can try to rebuild, and have a better M than before, keep the family intact, or you can not try at all, and go one and break up the family.

This choice does not need to be made today, it sounds to me like you want to keep the family together, you are just hurting adn trying to understand the WHY. You may never understand. You may have to come to accept that. Your W may never understand.

I myself, will not let my family fall apart until I know I have done everything possible to make it work. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my children. They deserve a family that consists of both parents, if the the problems can be resolved.

I find journaling helps. I sometimes us this forum as a vent/journal. If I am venting, I say so. Just so they know I am trying to sort through the emotions of this mess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she claims it was not about sex, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you understand what she means by this, and the truth behind it, you will be on the road to healing. When she understands what is false about this, she will be too.

2,
Its ok to vent, to rant, to rage...But in the long run in my opinion your torturing yourself, because I did it to me.Yes it hurts, yes it is painful and it a shame the kids are in this mess.
But its happened. The thing that woke me up was my kids breaking down and relaying the hate they felt for ow and ws. i knew hten as much as it killed me I had to toughen up. make some decisions, was it easy?Hell no! Did I want to??NO...Have I prevailed? Yes in many ways I have.

I dont really know where Im going with htis so bear with me but i know th epain,the hurt. Heck I didnt just want to throw up I did. I hid away from the world. I dropped 40 lbs very fasy,never slept you name it, I thought for sure I was crazy.
I wasnt and I am not. Nor are you.
See once I got some rest (meds) and reminded myself and ws why we were drawn to one another in the first place an let him know I was willing to try my best to forgive (very big very hard word) I got down to it. I still wonder why adn how could he and all that on blue days, but you know what? Everything is a choice. Whst do I chose?
Life, love,family god....
Take a few moments to yourself tonight, decide what it is you want, it takes works and commitment and maybe lots of therapy and help its your CHOICE. In my case was I going to lay down and die and let the pain win?no.....

For starters, I am the WW. I'm going to tell you something, not so your wife has an EXCUSE, but just something for you to think about. I made a bad mistake and so did she.

You said:
"I tell her everyday how wonderful she is, how sexy she is, how lucky I am to have her. I'm open to suggestion from her to change things that make her feel anything other than like a queen."

...but did you really? When she tried to tell you something, did you hear what she said and respond to it...or did you just hear what she said?

Just tonight I told my husband that I needed more romance in our relationship - a flower, a small gift, a sexy email, talk sexy on the phone. Do you know what he said? He said, "I'm sorry I don't satisfy you - I just feel like we are beyond that because we've been together so long".

What I am saying is that he he "heard" what I said, but he has NO INTENTION of responding. I flat out told him what I wanted (which isn't much) and he isn't gonna do it!

Maybe that's what led to the A. Like I said, it is not an excuse, but maybe an explanation.

It sounds like your wife loves you very much.

Good luck.

2crushed,

I have survived my wifes affairs...and they were both as crass and disgusting as your wifes was,...you're absolutely right....all of the "her needs weren't being met" talk DOES NOT give her any kind of excuse whatsoever to do what she did....it is sick...whether you were meeting her needs or not is beside the point...what would happen if people just decided to ram their car into people because they didn't like waiting in traffic???

I KNOW your pain....don't buy into excuses for her conduct...problems or not...people CHOOSE to act the way they do...protect your heart and mind, do not let her destructive comments in....it sounds like she is still trying to hurt you...and this is on HER!

Oh the pain!

That gut wrenching feeling that will not go away!
I am still there! It is unfair to feel like yo have to kiss butt in order to make it work! As you said we have been kicked in the teeth, and why do we have to begg for forgiveness?

The best thing I can tell you is to keep posting here. You will find some sense of relief but don't expect it to happen soon. By the book surviving an affair!
Ali!