New to this sight.
Married 21 years – TODAY
2 children girls, age 6 and 13

Found out 5 weeks ago H was having on line EA. None currently but as recently as Jan/Feb I think. He had also listed on his profile for meeting married mates that he had an affair. I was devastated, and I confronted him. He denied any PA said he just wanted to look attractive on the profile so he said he had an A. I wasn’t fulfilling his needs and he was looking elsewhere.

I found "marriage builders" on the web and started reading, and printing. I took it home and he agreed to work on our marriage. 6 days ago while having a conversation, we started talking about if he loved, me. He said he didn’t, I think I knew he wasn’t "in-love" with me right now, but he said he didn’t love me and he doesn’t think he ever did. I was crushed again. At that point he didn’t seem emotional at about just laying out the fact that he didn’t love me. I was so hurt that I told him if he had no love at all for me, then there wasn’t really in point in us staying together. Because of circumstances, we decided I would go to my mom’s and he would stay in the house until we sold it. He watched me pack, still nothing emotional. We then had to tell our girls, we explained that daddy didn’t love mommy any more and we were going to divorce. As I walked out the door I gave him back my wedding rings, said I loved him, he suddenly looked crushed, I closed the door. I took the girls and went to my mom’s, for the 4th of July. It took me about a hour to realize that the only reason I couldn’t just shrivel up and die was I had two children. I called H, said is this really what you want, he said he didn’t know he had a choice. He didn’t want to talk to me right then, said his head was spinning. I thought there was at least some ray of hope. He didn’t say, YES this is what I want, he sounded torn. Later we arranged for me to go home an talk to him. I arrived and he gave me the news. He knew he finally had to be honest, and yes, he had an affair 3 years ago. Was with the OW 4 times. Hasn’t talked to her since. You know that feeling of so much pain that you feel numb. I love my H, I always have, we have been through some difficult times and we have always stood by each other, so I thought. My only response was a question. "Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?"
That was the hardest question I have ever had to ask. If he said he wanted me to stay, I knew it would be very difficult to work through this. If he said he wanted me to go, I would have to figure out how to go on without him. He said he wanted me to stay and I flew into his arms.
No now comes the reason for my post… we have been working on the questionnaires, and we have already made the mistake of mis-understanding what it is that each other needs. It’s like a trial and error thing. My problems is that I’m having a very difficult time with the fact that he doesn’t love me. It keeps going over and over and over in my head. I try to push it away and work on fulfilling his needs, but it hurts, and it haunts me. Do I just try to keep plugging away. Will it get better, and does anyone know how soon.. He’s taking me out for our anniversary tonight, and I need to a wife he desires not some heart broken, teary eyed mess.

Dear 2Bloved,

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in right now. It's so hard when you first find out, but you are in the right place for advice and support.

You know, your H is full of guilt and shame for what he has done. He can't really love you in the truest sense, until he loves himself again. So don't get too hung up on the words right now. He's still there, you are together and there is hope that you can have a wonderful life together. Just keep plugging away and enjoy your anniversary dinner as best as you can. Try to remind him what a wonderful date you can be!

Stillwed

It takes time. It is true you are less attractive as a teary mess, but you cannot entirely control that, given what you are going through. Do what you can, but don't beat yourself up for being on an emotional rollercoaster. That is reality right now.

As for the "love" thing - I suspect that the two of you mean different things when you use that word. Part of recovery for us was learning the real meaning and feelings behind the other's words and actions.

Click on the link in my signature line for more tools to help you on the recovery road.

Thanks for the links, they help. It's really hard to keep the "GIVER" up front. The "taker" is really powerful. I know my H will never fall in love with the "taker", and even though he says he's not sure he ever really loved me, it was the "GIVER" he married. Any short cuts on where I would find info on keeping the "GIVER" up front. Is there a better title, I should be posting at besides "just found out"
Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Any short cuts on where I would find info on keeping the "GIVER" up front? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure you don't ignore the Taker. If it is ignored too long it takes over. So, you have to do things that you enjoy, too, not just things he enjoys, so that it is sustainable.

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>