I know that the majority of people on this post are more than likely in my husband's shoes verses mine, and man my heart goes out for anyone who has had to bear through what we are today. Yes, I have read all the post on us since I discovered that he was on this web-site, most post I do find very informative and helping (thank you) and others(post)I find are hurt people just being angery and shouting off. As where to begin I do not know?? What I have done to our marriage is the worst thing a person can do in a lifetime-it's just short of killing our spouse physically. Today he catches me up at home in the 10 minutes between my jobs to tell me he is moving out. At first I was shocked b/c we had talked so many times B4 that NO one was leaving and if had been an option we would have done it by now. Naturally and HONESTLY I tell him that I do not want him to go, and I see no logic on how that is going to help our situation. But then, I feel as if he told me then(at that specific time deliberatly) knowing we would not have time to really discuss it in full and he could be gone before the kids and I got home. At that time all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't b/c he claimes the reason that he is wanting to leave is b/c of the emotional trama that I go through: So DO I cry and risk showing my emotions and thus this aggitates and supports his reason for leaving or; do I NOT show my emotions and then be labled as a heartless B$%#H ?!? I feel so lost, in either direction, I'm still wrong on any action I take.

Hello KB's other half.

You can create your own profile. Just because you are the WS, does not mean you cannot do that.

Now, personally, I think you should be open and honest about your feelings. If you want to cry because of the hurt you have caused, then cry. Why should it support his reason for leaving. If anything, to me, it would show remorse. That is one of the first steps towards recovery.

This is all new for both of you. You both have to expect a roller coaster of emotions. (I know, not fun). After awhile, things will settle down, emotions will not be so wild and uncontroallable for both of you.

And yes, there are the BS's here who, unfortunately will flame you, not because of you personally, but because you represent the pain their own WS has caused them. And there are others who will be able to help. There are many WS here. Learn and grow from as many as you can. Discard the ones that are of no help. Sometimes we can learn and grow from anothers pain.

And you are welcome here if you feel comfortable creating your own profile.

KB's other half - I sympathize with your crying dilema. I, too, am the WS and have been crying for quite a while now. My H said to me that when I cry and show real remorse, he feels sorry for me. Then he starts in about how I don't deserve any sympathy from him, that I did this to us, etc. But if I try to hold back, he then thinks I don't truly have any guilt.

I just cry anyway. It kind of goes along with the whole philosophy on honesty. Don't hide something because it is truly what you feel. Maybe he is leaving for a good reason. My H said he was going to leave. I almost wish he really would have now. He kept coming to the house, and we would talk about the A. By the end of the day today, he said he wanted to file for D. I think if he had taken some time off by himself, he would feel differently. Of course, we are going to wait until Monday, but he indicated that his decision was 100%.

Cry if you want. Unfortunately, this hurts EVERYONE involved - not just one person. Know that you are not alone.

Sue is right it is hard for us BS and we do have anger toward our WS this you must understand.But you need to let your H know how you feel.My H does not let me know how he feels I have to guess.So if he was also hurting through all of this I do not know.Let your H know of your pain it may help both of you to start in your recovery.I know for me if my H would open up and really tell me how he feels,what emotions he is dealing with not make it seem so one sided like I am the only one that hurts in this, things would be easier for me.

Good luck to both of you.

If you are truly sorry then cry your A$$ off!
Begg him to come back! Shoe emotion! And lots of it too! But not hostile or anfry ones! But you reaaly need to understand the pain that you had put him through! And understand what emotions he is going through right at this moment!! This is no longer about you this is about him!
You need to put yourself in the back seat and let him control where ever it is you are going.
Go purchase the book surviving an affair, and plan A him! or look it up on this website. You have to understand his emotions. It is not about you anymore!
Ali

KBOH,

I just thought of this, do you have any idea what lead to to the A. I'm not looking for excuses. If you can identify what lead to it, it will help you identify areas you need to work on in yourself to prevent anything like this from happening again, along with making better choices.

KB O-1/2, as a BS I will NOT bash you because:

1. I don't know you at all.

2. What useful purpose would it serve to do so?

3. If I engaged in a feeding frenzy at your expense, I would doing myself and my W a lot of harm that could spill over into our relationship at a future date. By harming you, I harm myself and the ones I love.

4. You are NOT a monster, you are a human being.

5. We, BS AND WS, need to learn from one another so that we can overcome this ordeal. We can do this individually, but it is better when it's done together.

With that out of the way, I also welcome you to MB and hope that you will be back and know that there are many more folks that share my views as well.

Here is one thing I would have you do right away ....

GET A NEW BED!

Are either of you able to sleep on this mattress without feeling hopelessly nauseous?

Just the idea of sleeping on that same bed makes me feel ~~~~~que <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ezy~~~~~

I never said it was on our bed. I can never know for certain but they both say he was never in my bed. Maybe I'm just being niaive. Believe me I have purged this house of everything remotely associated.

I saw them in the living room. What get a new couch? That does't bother me that much

Congratulations to kb's wife. HUH??

Wow...this is part of the reason that people so easily shatter others in western society...they can always hear from others how they 'understand' how it happened due to "problems" in the marriage....

I agree with Ali! It is up to you KB's WIFE, who was caught in perversion...to do everything possible to win him back. You have very deep seeded character issues that would allow you to do this to your husband, much less with a family friend...sick...do not take this lightly...this is on YOU, no KB...whether you claim to love him or not...

KB, I cannot stress enough that every marriage has problems...but do not listen to people telling you that you need to soul search to see how you contributed to such filth. It is not about you...it is about her...YES, you can do things to improve you...we all can...but reacting to problems by pulling your pants down in your husbands house represents very serious sin, destructive against God and husband,...and it is up to HER to repent, love YOU, answer your questions and deal with the aftermath if you so choose.

All of this 'coddling' of adulterers has got to stop. It is wrong...and is why people are doing it so often.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of this 'coddling' of adulterers has got to stop. It is wrong...and is why people are doing it so often </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a fellow BS I take offense to this remark, and furthermore, if you truly beleive this then why are you still married to your W? After all, if you were to take the above statement of your literally, you would no longer be married to her, would you?

My w and I appreciate everyone posting. To keep reading these posts keep me from obsessing on the demons that haunt me during my quiet moments. She was honest with me last night a little bit. She confessed to calling OM this week after I had called him. She wanted to know my attitude toward him. She feels that I will do something stupid because my rage can be so intense and I have openly expressed desires to hurt him physicaly. This was a couple of weeks ago though. I keep an aluminum BB bat in my car just in case. Question/ how concerned should I be that she tried to contact him. I truly appreciate her telling me. She said she didn't talk to him because he wasn't there but the has about 4 numbers to be reached at. I'm going to give her the benefit of doubt. Another thing that crossed my mind is if they have collaberated their story since D-Day to keep secrets hidden. Don't know how to feel about this. Sorry just venting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another thing that crossed my mind is if they have collaberated their story since D-Day to keep secrets hidden. Don't know how to feel about this. Sorry just venting </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't sweat it, it's better that you vent here than in front of her and cause more pain for the two you.

Well she'll read it and be angry anyway. I can hear her the next time I ask if they've talked.

Well I can see that you two are going at it hot and heavy right now. You probably will win the "Thread With The Most Hits On It" award this week.

KB Spouse: Please do cry. When my WW cried I just melted inside. How could I stay angry at her when the remorse and guilt was so intense? When she responded cold-heartedly or angrily it made matters much worse for me and for us together. When she was angry or talked like she really had no regrets or had completely justified her actions it felt like she was rubbing her A's right my face and tearing my guts out all over again. Be vulnerable. Just because you are the WS doesn't mean you don't feel scared, hurt, or confused too. You will both feel similar emotions as you go through this process. Take what your H has to say with a grain of salt right now. He is speaking from a deep pain that causes anger and rage sometimes. No rational thoughts come from that place.

Your H may not realize just how many leaps and bounds ahead you both are right now just in the fact that you actually want to actively participate in this forum with him. You have opened yourself to criticism and insult from angry and bitter BS's on this forum, but do not despair for there are so many seasoned posters here that will understand and help you and your H get through this.

It is my gut feeling that you two really have a good chance to get through this and bond again. I sense your sincerity in trying to reconcile. Keep posting, both of you. I know that you can work through this.

Find a good counselor too!

God Bless.

TOOMuchCoffeeman,

There is a difference between a person who committed adultery and is truly REPENTANT and one that continues to cast blame, hold onto the crutch that there was 'problems, thats why I did it', etc.

It seems as though you have moved past that, right? Some NEVER do...they continue to post excuses for their behavior and it is wrong. Very wrong.

People can blame the innocent spouse all they want...but the innocent spouse did not react to problems by getting naked with someone else. What would happen if we all decided "I hate rush hour traffic, I think I will start ramming my car into everyone!"....come on...enough is enough... people have to stop making excuses for their bad conduct. Having sex with someone besides your mate is a HUGE violation...it is perverted, wrong and very serious.

Nonetheless, some really coddle adulterers...when they have NOT demonstrated that they are sorry for their destruction. When you're sorry....your actions PROVE IT...but when every sentence ends with "yeah, sorry...BUT..."....forget it...they are not sorry.

I replied on your H's thread before seeing your's, please read what I wrote about honesty and the snooping. It's on page 6, I think. LOL

I did wonder if KB left the house yesterday, or if he changed his mind?

I do think that separation is not the best thing to do unless there are no other options. JMHO It is such a difficult job to began working through all the emotions which are at the forefront if you're not under the same roof.

As for showing your emotions...yes...while I realize that you're in a very difficult place where no matter what you do...it's wrong...believe me...it's one that all WS have had to deal with. Hidding how you feel will only be seen as another omission or evasion. Besides, better to be roasted for the true feelings you have, then roasted for the false feelings your spouse decides for himself you felt.

The BS doesn't have a clue on how to act...so they react and unless they are very unusual they react in a destructive manner. We, WS and BS, do NOT have a guide book on how to go about dealing with all these emotions which are coming seemingly out of no where. As the BS, we jump from one emotion to another at the blink of an eye...leaving the WS confused and never knowing what track to take to cause the least amount of harm, much less how to go about helping our spouse to heal. This is NORMAL in these situations. It will get better in time as your H begans to get a handle on these emotions....but be patient...it takes awhile.

You and your H have choosen the HARD path. There is nothing easy for either of you in attempting to rebuild after a betrayal. Often your H will not have any idea what he wants from you...but he'll know he wants SOMETHING...and since he doesn't know, you sure won't....and the cycle continues.

BUT...the good news...You AND your H can do this if you commitment to your marriage, to each other and to your family. You do NOT give up, no matter how frustrated and confused it becomes. You CHOOSE to stay together, because you realize that what you have is worth fighting for and saving. You CHOOSE to make your marriage, more open, more honest, more loving, healthier then it has been in the past. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

You forgive each other for the harm each of you will do during rebuilding. (Your H will have to find the forgiveness of your act of betrayal in his own time and way.) You open up new lines of communication, you set aside time each day in which to discuss those affair issues which your H is going to need you to discuss, you set aside time to discuss other marital issues which you've been putting on the back burner hopeing they'd go away. You learn to LISTEN...a hardie!

H and I started writing to each other as a way of handling really painful items. This way, we both could reflect on what we wanted to say (lots of rewrites), we each got to read what the other said without having to deal with the other's emotional reaction. We each were able to re-read what was written after the first wave of pain and really listen. (Amazing what you will mishear through pain.) We could ask questions if things were unclear. It kept us on topic. It allowed us a peek inside the other's head before we took the topic face to face. Worked for us!

Anyway...welcome to MB...lots of valuable tools in which to help you write your own guidebook for your marriage...making it into what you and your H have always dreamed it could be.

God Bless!

The question of responsibility for the affair has come up here and is a very important topic, not to lay blame but to determine who has to do what to rebuild a healthy marriage. Both spouses share 50/50 in the state of the marriage before the affair occurred. The WS is 100% responsible for make the conscious decision to have an affair. The BS has absolutely no responsibility for the affair.

The argument that unmet EN’s are what leads to affairs wrong. Why? Because if a person has unmet EN’s there are many ways they can deal with it. They could see a counselor, be radically honest with their spouse and let them know what is needed, they can get a divorce and then seek a new partner. Affairs are not in the list of valid choices for meeting unmet EN’s. Another problem with the unmet EN theory is that no one can meet all of another’s person’s EN all of the time. It’s hard to fill even some of their spouses EN’s some of the time. So we are all walking around with unmet EN’s. It’s part of life. A mature adult learns healthy ways to deal with it.

Dr. Harley says that unmet EN’s do not cause affairs. Instead they are caused by a person not protecting their vulnerabilities. There are ways to build protections into a marriage that are tailored to each spouse’s vulnerabilities so that it’s almost impossible for an affair to happen.

As an example……One of the first to institute is the rule that neither spouse spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. When a conversation with a member of the opposite sex is turns to their personal problems it’s time to end the conversation and leave. This is how so many affairs start.

This is why the personal history questionnaire is so important. It is also why it’s so important to open up and discuss the affair. So that you and your husband can learn each other’s vulnerabilities and protect them.

One thing that gets lost at a time like this is that all the attention is focused on the WS’s affair. The likelihood of a BS having a secondary affair is very high, way over 50%. It’s not a revenge affair…. It’s a person trying to self medicate, to get rid of the pain, humiliation and self loathing that the BS goes through. There are many reasons for radical honesty and talking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So DO I cry and risk showing my emotions and thus this aggitates and supports his reason for leaving or; do I NOT show my emotions and then be labled as a heartless B$%#H ?!? I feel so lost, in either direction, I'm still wrong on any action I take.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are the things that you have been crying about? Is it being caught? Loosing the OM (if you have ended your affair? Or true remorse and hurt for what you have done to your marriage? What is it specifically that gets him upset?

If you are crying because you miss the OM, etc. then find a counselor. Your husband is not the one to talk to about this. It is too hurtful.

If you are crying and showing emotions in remorse and pain over what you have done then there is no reason you should not be able to do this.

(To KB, it is important that you share even this with your wife. It will build the intimacy between you. A WS who has a conscience will feel horrible pain, pain for hurting their spouse, family and friends. They also have a lot of remorse for having let themselves down. This is not to excuse the affair, but to help you understand that your wife needs to be able to show her emotions too. If you use your wife’s honest emotions against her then she will learn to not trust you, she will pull away and marital recovery will be impossible. Just has she will need to earn your trust, in many ways you need to earn hers. Most WS are so afraid of the reprisals that they are afraid to talk and open up emotionally. I told my H that I would not use anything he told me about his affairs to hurt him. This includes no love busters like yelling, disrespectful judgments, etc. I kept that promise. It went a long way to facilitate our recovery and rebuilding our intimacy.)

Radical honesty is one of the corner stones of the MB philosophy. A good indicator of whether or not a couple recovers from an affair is how much the WS opens up, shares information about the affair, answers the BS’s questions and listens to the BS express their anger. Yes, I know that BS’s can be a trying lot… asking endless questions over and over, seemingly obsessed with the affair. But the more you open up and the more you let your husband get his feeling out, the quicker this period will last. The purpose of all the questions and talking is so that both you and your husband can determine why you had the affair and how to protect your marriage from it reoccurring. In my case I was obsessed with discussing and asking questions for about 3.5 months. At the end of that time I had no more questions and the answers I needed. After that I’ve asked maybe one question a month.

When I found out about my H’s affairs I was ready to leave. He was the one who kept us together. He made no excuses for his affairs. He told me that he was the one who did the harm so it was his responsibility to help me and our marriage heal. He did that. I respect and love him today for taking this stance.

At this point, from what I have read here, the prognosis is not good for your marriage because you are not opening up, you have not ended all contact with the OM and his wife. If you do not open up to your husband and answer his questions truthfully, you are putting the last nails in the coffin of your marriage. The truth is never as bad as the images the BS can imagine. You are better to tell him the truth then to let his imagination run wild. When you avoid or lie to protect your husband, you are not protecting him instead it only proves that you are continuing to sneak around and lie.

I can understand why your husband is thinking of leaving. If my H had been at the point you are 4 weeks post d-day we would not still be married.

Zorweb ..... Ilove you!

KB's wife .... read and digest Zorwebs post. Make a copy of it and read it daily.

P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ep