Today was a good day for us, we started off on the wrong foot with another first thing in the morning questionaire, thus today was going to be family day. We agreed to spending all of our efforts in focusing on the kids for we felt guilty that yesterday we stayed locked up all day in our room playing the Q & A game. Yesterday I did confront and answer some of his questions and "wonderings" if you will, and yes I did start up the conversation. It was hard and my whole body was tense, but I did it. I had felt like leaving for just the weekend earlier yesterday b/c of an earlier conversation we had on the phone while I was at work turned VERY sour. I called to see how he was doing, and we ended up bickering at each other and I just couldn't take it any more. He had made a statement while on the phone that if this marriage was going to be saved that it was all up to me, I was at wits end b/c I feel that this has to be a joint effort & worked out b/t the both of us. Who is right on this matter ??

I said that it was up to her to open up and be honest with me. Also it was up to her to end all contact with his wife and OM. She called him this week. She is also feels like she is the only one giving anything up to save the marriage. she is also pissed off that she has no say in whether to tell her friend. IS it me or does anything of this make sense. Maybe all WS act the same. Am I being naive to believe the affair will end

KB's other halh here:
I have started to ignore my friends phone calls to the house since my h has had such a problem with it, I guess I was niave that he wouldn't have a problem with her, just her H. As far as the continued contact with her I can not help, she enters my workplace everyday dropping off her kid and stops in to say hello to me. I know everyone will say quit & find another job, thing is though I have been searching for a new job before I got caught in the A. It is litterly impossible for me to just quit and then search. I work 1 1/2 jobs as is and we still can't pay all the bills. I feel only quiting on the spot and us having even less income will compound the problems we already have. I am guilty of trying to reach the OM, I was very worried of what my H had done and threatened, for he still carries the metal bat in the car hoping to see the OM someday soon. At this point he was still continuely talking of how he was ashamed that there was no bloodshed D-day. For all you curious ones out there, no he(OP) was not there and we did not talk. I feel guilty and sorry for doing such a thing and realized that I must let it go. In the whole NC thing, shouldn't it work both ways, thus applying to the WS and the BS if we are truely going to get him out of our lives?

KB's Hubby,

Please please please don't react into a violant matter!

Oh trust me, I wish I could put my fist into my H's fat faced OW. I would have. But I would have been arrested. I am not the fighting type. Far from it! But I hate her enough that I wouldn't have cared and that is my point.

Just stay away from violence. It might make you feel good right there, but it is not going to take away the fact that she slept with him. Come out the winner and make them fall. They know what they did was totally wrong.

You sound a bit like me with all this negitive energy. Go run, work out, beat up a punching bag! If I had a good sitter, I'd be at the gym at least 5 hours a day 7 days a week. Only my weak, dumbells and Pilates help now. Not enough but try it! Burn the muscle and get angry. You'll be happy after wards. You look good too! With a healthy heart to work on your marriage possibly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Ali

OK...yes, rebuilding is a joint effort...HOWEVER...nothing is being rebuilt at this time. It's all new, you each are trying to get the facts straight and figure out what needs doing...before you can really began doing much. Then when it does began...being the one who does just a little more then the other...is something to have as a goal. If both of you can try this, then no matter which one suceeds...the marriage benefits.

Kb's W...you will have to do a LOT of the beginning bending over backwards (work), while I'm not saying that everything that needs improvement in the marriage is only your fault...which it definitely is not...you're going to have to understand that whatever else needs working on will be pushed aside until the two of you work through the first stages of dealing with the affair. Doesn't matter if you think this is right or wrong, or fair or whatever...it's the way it will work. The betrayal gets top billing and you are responsible for that error in your judgement. You will have to be the "understanding" one. KB will have a LOT of trouble dealing with his emotions. Some of these are going to be ones he's never felt to this extent before, which makes it very difficult for him to control. It is a learning process. The more supportive and understanding you are...the faster he will complete that learning process.

It's wonderful that you started the conversation and the Q & A. Being upfront and honest is the best way to began. Congrats. I know this is hard. You want to keep KB from further hurt, but you really need to began reclaiming his trust...that is paramount.

For both....NO CONTACT is just that and is for BOTH of you! While this may well invite OM's W to wonder what happened (rather you tell her or not...is up to the two of you), that is not your business. Your business is putting your marriage back together. It's reclaiming lost trust. It's learning new skills. It's getting your sh*t together.

To KB...put the bat back in the basement!!!! This is the very last thing you need. A jail term is not productive to your marriage and family! While everyone might fantaize about revenge...it's is one sure way to destroy any chance of having a solid marriage. PLUS...I find this to be a threat to your W...more then to the OM. jmho

I know you're enflamed over that attemted phone call...and you should be! BUT...it's almost a fact that most past affair partners don't just stop cold turkey with no more contact at all after they are first discovered. BUT...most don't admit it to their spouse's unless caught. While she may have had the impulse to call...she didn't follow through when she didn't get him at the first number...she stopped herself...and she told you. That is a plus.

The two of you can repair your marriage...if you want to badly enough.

other half here;
We have an issue that we can Not come to terms of agreement. I know most here who reply to our thread state that the OW has to know of the A. My issue is,and b/c I am one who will do anything to avoid a confict due to what I lived with as a child hearing my parents fight all day, I feel that there isn't any other reason to tell her of the A other than my H trying to get back at the OP. My reasoning for not letting her know of the A is that I know that there would be NO "trying to work things out b/t them" if she ever knew. I see no point in deliberatly breaking up another household as ours has been, and with the child paying the price of a single parent household. My H's theory is that she has the right to know attitude, thus he got that from reading posts on this web-site. KB feels that my OP is a womanizer and might-have or has-had done this before, I responded that if this theory was true he will be caught by his W soon enough. Let it be their problem. Even if he (my H) tells her of the A, I see in no way how this is going to help us recover in our marriage, so what is the point? Pay-back for what we are going through?? I feel my H needs to focus on us and not so much on the other party. Where do we stand on this issue, I would like both theories commented on to help me understand.

The OM's wife has the right to know about the affair. Her husband should be given the choice to confess to his wife or she will told by you or your husband. It is not up to you to think about the consequences about what will happen if the OM's wife is told. She has the right, the same as your husband, to make a decision to stay in the marriage and work on it or leave the marriage. By keeping silent about your affair you are showing the same disrespect and contempt that you showed when you were screwing her husband.

tomaz touched on several of the issues in regard to telling the spouse of the OP when only one of the BSs has discovered the affair.

First...who are you truly trying to protect? His W, his family...yourself? While I am sure that part of your feelings come from wanting to protect others...you're main motivation is protection of self. It's something we are all "guilty" of...it's part of how we work as humans.

You're correct...telling others really won't b "THE cure" for what ails your marriage...that is going to happen when/if you and your H decide to put what is best for your marriage ahead of what is only best for one.

As I replied on your H's thread...the second most important thing (first being ending the affair) is reclaiming trust. Part of that is learning to be honest...painful so at times. This doesn't only mean being honest with your spouse, it means being an honest and trustworth person. It means not being willing to hide your head in the sand about something that is wrong...it's showing what you are FOR...not just what you are against. It's being welling to stand up and say..."Yes, I did it!"...hard, I know.

How can you say you're honest...if everyday when you see this woman...you're hiding behind a mask of "happy to see you, friend"...when being her friend is the last thing you proved yourself to be? Where is the honesty in that?

Doing the RIGHT thing is seldom easy...but it is rewarding. It does allow us to look each morning in the mirror and really like the person who is looking back at us. Self respect...and the respect we have earned from others...nothing else like it in the world.

I'm not actually telling you that telling is the only option...but it's one that can set your soul free...and that is worth the cost.

Another reason for informing the OM W is that it is as added measure to keep him away from you and trying to rekindle the A. You may scoff at this but there are many married OM's that don't accept the WW's final decision and still try to keep the A going. If his W is told about the A, and his W confronts him and he convinces her that he doesn't want to end the marriage, what do you think the odds are that he will carry thoughts of contacting you?

KB’s Wife,

If either your husband or you do not tell the OM’s wife about the affair then you continue to be part of the lie that hurts her. Especially if he was a womanize and has done this before. He is exposing his wife to STD’s

His wife has rights in this: She has the right to decide whether or not she is exposed to STD’s. She is being faithful to her husband and yet she is in as much danger as he is. She has the right to decide what she wants to do with her life, to decide if she wants this type of marriage. She has the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Yet to date everyone who knows of the affairs and her husband have taken these away from her.

If you truly were concerned about her children being raised in a single-family home, then you would not have had the affair with him. So that is not the real concern here. Sure you do not want her to know. You want your secret kept.

It is not up to you to decide that is it better that she is kept in the dark and therefore forced to stay in a very sick marriage. You have no idea if they will heal their marriage or not. Since 98% if all marriages survive affairs there is a very good chance that their marriage will survive and become a much healthier marriage. Now there is something that will benefit their child.

As a woman who has been a BS more times than any one person should ever have to be, I can tell you that I wish someone had had the moral character to tell me what my ex-h was up to. I would not have wasted so many years of my life on him.

Instead no one came forth. No one wanted to get involved. Well I take that back, they did get involved. The OW’en got involved by having affairs with him. Co workers and ‘friends’ got involved by socializing with him and the OW’en. They also got involved by helping him keep his ugly secrets.

But they would not get involved by tell me so I could protect myself. I guess they just thought I was not worthy of protection. Perhaps they thought I was a useless piece of flesh that had not right to make my own decisions about my own life. Maybe they thought that they had the right to decide that this was a marriage that I had to stay in no matter what my husband was doing. Or maybe they just had contempt for me.. after all I must not have been much of a woman if my ex-H did this. I’m sure it was all my fault (my mother in law told me it was. In her eyes he did nothing wrong.). I’m sure many of them thought that somehow my ex-H was justified.

Or maybe the real reason they did not get involved by telling me is that it’s often earsier to do the wrong thing then to do the right thing. It was easier to help him have affairs then to tell me.

Again, if she is not told, then you are helping him to continue having affairs. You are deciding that she is a useless woman who has no rights of her own.

Would you walk by and watch a person being mugged with out calling the police? Maybe you would. After all, someone else probably would eventually so why bother.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>