It takes an unhealthy woman to have an affair with a married man, not to mention an unhealthy man to commit such an act. Sick people attract sick people. No good woman is going to be attracted to a man that has no integrity, ie, lies and cheats. The women that married men have to chose from is the "bottom of the barrel". The women who can't get anything better than a sick man.

If your husband understands this, he is going through a lot of pain.

Hey guys, Just wanted to check in with everybody. Today is a good day. H is doing all the right things, I hope I'm doing all the right things, trying to. Can things go too good? Can this be a false start or something? Can he just say its over one day and its over. Never look back. Never want to go back to A.

It seems to easy. Like there was never a choice to make. Am I still looking for the boogie man?

All of you guys are in my prayers. Without God, none of us will get thru any of this.

Vic1

Hey guys, Just wanted to check in with everybody. Today is a good day. H is doing all the right things, I hope I'm doing all the right things, trying to. Can things go too good? Can this be a false start or something? Can he just say its over one day and its over. Never look back. Never want to go back to A.

It seems to easy. Like there was never a choice to make. Am I still looking for the boogie man?

All of you guys are in my prayers. Without God, none of us will get thru any of this.

Vic1

Hi Vic1,
I'm happy to hear that you had a good day today! I hope things keep moving in a positive direction for you.

"Can things go too good? Can this be a false start or something?"
The 4 week mark is still very early to try to predict how long the "good" will last. Just enjoy the good days, resting and energizing yourself to deal with the inevitable bad days still to come as you work your way thru this.

"Can he just say its over one day and its over. Never look back. Never want to go back to A?"
Yes, it can happen. It happened with me & my H. Because - as my H told me on d-day, the A wasn't about the OW, it was about HIM and ME. She was just the distraction.

"It seems to easy. Like there was never a choice to make."
Now you have to honestly deal with each other and the state of your marriage - there's going to be nothing "easy" about it. And there IS a choice to make... to choose to be committed to recovery and to improving your relationship with each other so that an A can never threaten your marriage again.

Take Care,
Shelle

I'm so glad to hear of your good day.They are so nice enjoy them.You may still have some bad days but that is ok.Cherish the good ones.
You are right without God nothing is possible especially trying to make it through something like this.

Talk to you soon

I need your advice. Today's a bad day. Nothing going right. H called and wanted to know how everything was going. Soo, instead of unloading on him and telling him all this bad stuff, I faked it and said everything was OK. He didn't believe me. Got upset. Now, how do I deal with this. I'm suppose to do all the right things to make him feel good right, quit dumping on the LB on him right? I'm supposed to have a good attitude about everything right? Cuz, if I don't have right attitude, do too many LB, etc. he'll decide he does not want to stay and leave, right? Soo, I can't just dump the way I feel on him all the time. He'll get to where he does not want to hear it. So, what do I do?????

I'm so upset, confused and scared today. I don't know why. Just am.

Vic1

Hi Vic1

Yes this is normal I still have those days all the time.I try not to LB but to be honest when H does not respond to me sometimes I loose it,he is still here.

Here are a few suggestions that might work,let him know you are not doing real good today you would like to talk not fight not yell just talk,or this is what I do I write my H letters letting him know all my feelings bad or good.He can read it and think about it and not worry about me lashing back at him if he says something wrong.Sometimes he answers me sometimes not but at least I got it off my chest and he knows how I feel.I don't know if any of this will help but that is what I do.Maybe it will work for you.

I get tired of pretending I am happy.But sometimes I just don't know what to do.

Hi Vic1, the exteme ups & downs just really suck, don't they? I have always been emotionally stable, never even really experienced PMS. So the feelings that surfaced after the A and lingered for so long were downright scary in their intensity.

I started to journal my feelings, and that really helped. Getting them out of your head is pretty cathartic. And - reading on MB was great, made me realize I wasn't alone.

When it was obvious to H I was struggling, I would just say I was having a "bad day". He had a choice at that point to either leave me alone, or if he felt he could take it, he would try to get me to talk about what was bothering me that day.

I know the feeling of being afraid to "dump" too much on H for fear he can't handle it. I held my feelings inside for quite awhile after d-day because my H was barely functioning due to not being able to handle his own feelings about the A, let alone try to deal with mine. Be careful about doing this though - I ended up blasting him a few months later when he thought everything was "fine". I had to get it out or I would have stopped functioning.

Counseling definitely helped, and talking thru my bad times with friends & family was a sanity-saver! I have two sisters - one would call to check in with me in the morning, one would call in the evening. And mid-day... well mom was always available. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It was a real group effort.

I hope you have support available to you too. That way you can filter out the feelings, get the "talking" out of your system. And then when you DO talk to your H, you can focus on the really important issues.

Hang in there - it DOES get better with time.

Shelle

First of all, the affair was HIS choice. Don't blame yourself. He had a million other options, it was NOT your fault. You may have done things wrong, but NOTHING justifies cheating.

Please get the book Torn Asunder. It is the best book I've read on affairs. Our counselor liked it so much she now uses it in her practice. Also the article 'shattered vows' at findarticles.com will help your H to see WHY you need to talk about it. If one of you doesn't want to talk about the affair, it means it hasn't been talked about enough. In Torn Asunder, the author says that your H MUST feel all of your sadness, anger, fear, depression, etc. to prevent another affair. Don't let him try to brush it under the rug and tell you to 'get over it.'

I did that too quickly and it is MUCH worse going through it later if you don't process it the first time.

Please go to counseling. It is almost impossible to recover without it. Don't let $ stand in your way. We spent $5000 of our own $ on it and it did help to save our marriage.

However long the affair lasted, it will take at least that long for you to recover. It's taken me much longer as she was my best friend. Our friendship was never resolved and ended very unnaturally. She never admitted the truth or apologized. Just moved away a few years later and probably never looked back. I will hurt over this for the rest of my life. She is now on marriage #3.

I pray for your peace and healing. You CAN repair your marriage. Our counselor believed in miracles and believe me, it did take one. God bless you.

Keep posting

MaggieRose-

I printed out the article you told me about-Shattered Vows. Its great. thank you. I just hope I can get H to read it. I'm afraid when he sees the parts that says he has to take the responsiblity for the A he'll quit. Right now, he really doesn't want to answer questions. and he doesn't volunteer anything. Sometimes I think he doesn't want to hurt me, then others, I think he is hiding from the situation.

Gingersnap & Shelle,

Thanks for your posts. You both give very good advice. I just hope that someday I can be emotionally where you are at.

Vic1

I have this problem. I keep having this obsessive behavior about the old cell phone bills, and tracking down all the numbers, times, and where H was supposed to be at, and where I was at, at the time. Am I just looking for answers or what?

H and I are trying real hard to work things out. We are really doing pretty good. I just don't want to mess anything up, you know? Its been about 6-7 weeks since DDay(June 5, 2003 at 11:22AM) I'll never forget that date and time.

Any advice guys?

Vic1

Vic1

I think what you are going through is normal.I did the same thing.I will get mad at myself when I look back and see the things I missed or just let slide by because I just could not believe he would cheat on me.

The thing is it is not going to make a difference this is something I am learning.It will not change what they did,I am learning this also.
We have to just accept what happened to us no matter how much it hurts and then decide,what do we want to do.

I am learning that I have to make myself happy,I don't really know how to right now but I have promised myself to try.I want to be happy again.

I am glad to hear things are going well for you.

gingersnap,

How are you doing today? You advice has always been right on for me and I hope that I can be here for you someday. You're right about making ourselves happy. And we have to like ourselves also. This is the hardess part for me right now. Cuz I really don't like the person that I've been. But I'm trying to change and I have made some positive moves in the last 7 weeks. I've joined a gym and started exercising about 3 days a week. Ive lost about 8 lbs so far. This has helped me feel better about myself AND it also keeps me busy and I can work off some of my anger. That has really helped. I have found that I have to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. The times that are the hardest for me is when I am by myself and have no distractions. Thats when my brain goes into overdrive and I try to piece all of the puzzle together.

H and I have had some really good talks the last week and I think we are going to make it. He is opening up a little at a time, its very hard for him, he is not a person that talks about his feelings, he keeps everything inside. but, he is trying, and he is telling me things that I want to know. Sometimes I just have to be careful how I ask. I'm very proud of him right now. Of course, he says he's not proud of himself and that he doesn't like himself very much right now. But I told him that we will work it out together. I think the one thing that really bothers him is the fact that I donot trust him. But I just told him to get use to it, that I probably will not ever trust him again.

We have a date tonite, and i really am looking forward to it.

Keep in touch.

Vic1

Hi Vic1,

I noticed your post about the Endometriosis. My WW has a bad case of it. It is part of the reason we are unable to have kids naturally w/o trying invitro. She had surgery and got it cleaned and found her tubes are blocked. She had her appendix burst when she was younger which left a lot of scarring. I know sex hurts her too.

Not being able to have children I think was a major cause for her A. The OM is M with a 3 month old. She had told me she thought of being in the OM's W place. I know she has felt like she wasn't a "woman" because of endo and not having kids.

Vic1:

How much to push for information is a hard thing to judge [at this moment]. That you are entitled to closure and information is beyond question.

As uncomfortable as it may be, he needs to understand that YOU need it to move forward. It does not matter what his need in this regard is.

That is the view I took with Zorweb. She asked me some things a gazillion times. She can ask them a gazillion more, and I will answer. If Alzheimers doesn't strike me before then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . He needs to understand his obligation in that regard.

I am glad to hear that in other ways your recovery is moving forward. But it is a long and bumpy road, and there will be relapses of emotion. In each such case, it is incumbent upon him to help you over that hump.

It is his responsibility for one reason alone: he initiated the affair, and by doing so, he damaged you and the marriage. Further, by doing so, he is SHOWING in a concrete and loving way that he wants the marriage to work, and that he loves and cares for how you feel.

There is statistical evidence that strongly suggests that the more you both talk about the affair, the more apt you are to recover.

Would he be willing to come on the forums here? I, and other WSs like Jimmy Mac (not to single you out, Jimmy), would be glad to help him ... as would many others who are not WSs.

Godspeed to you both,
STL

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: SeenTheLight ]</small>

Good to hear from you.
Glad to see you have a date planned I hope all goes well.
It has been a long hard week for me,but we have these don't we.

That is so good that you are keeping busy I need to stay more busy.I have been thinking of joining a gym,have not done that yet.I am always so tired after work but that would probably give me more energy.

I know how hard the struggle is I am there too,but every day is just a little easier.

Keep me posted on how you are doing and let me know all about your date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Eduard,
I'm so sorry to read about your W. Endometriosis is one of the most painful things that can happen to a woman. My H and I were married when I was 20, we found out I had endo when I was 24. We had 4 good years. By the time I was 30 I had given up on having children(This is the most devastating thing that can happen to a woman who wants a child.) The pain that you have to live with every day, not just the pain when you want to be a wife to your husband, but just to get up in the mornings is horrendia(sp). And it gets increasingly worse as time goes on. As more leisons and scarring take place the more pain, the less that you are able to do. I had to give up all forms of exercise, horseback riding, that was the worst. We went thru all of the fertility testing, taking fertility hormons each month, etc. Nothing worked. By the time I was 38 I had had 2 D&C's and at 40 I told the Dr's enough, take it out. That was the best decision I have ever made. Recovery took alittle longer for me that what they said. But now, 3 years later, an H with and A under his belt, I hope we are finally on the right track.

You see, my H's A was mainly due to the lack of sex in our marriage. We had let our relationship just fall to pieces over the lack thereof and the way that I felt about myself. How could I be a desirable worman if I could not satify my H and give him children? Oh, there was more to it, but this was the root of it all. We know now that things could have been handled differently.
But we were young and there were not things like the internet 20 years ago.

Eduard, please be understanding, kind, gentle, get your W to talk about her feelings, listen to her, make her feel like she is still a woman, and guys, children are great, but its not the end of the world if you can't have one. You have each other, dont mess it up like we did. God does things for a reason. Why he fixed me so I couldnt have kids, I dont know if I'll ever have that figured out, but, I have learned to live with it, somewhat, somedays better than others.

Guys, I've been there, done that, if you have any questions heres my email, write, I'll help if I can.

Vic1
glemere@samlink.com

glad to read you are doing better.
How the M these days?

Vic1:

Don't beat yourself up too much. The state of the marriage before an affair begins is shared equally. In other words, the condition of the marriage is contributed to by both spouses.

What matters now is how you both learn from that and use the tools, counsel and support that you will find here to make yourselves the best spouse you can be.

Godspeed to you both,
STL

Gingersnap,
Hey, howya doing. Our date went great, had a really good time, spent good quality time together. Didn't talk about A, we both decided that we would just enjoy being together.

You know, I still can't get a grip on my emotions. One minute I'll be OK, and the next it's like you turned the water faucet on and I can't stop crying. Yesterday and today have been pretty bad. I do Ok when H is with me. Its like, if I can see him, I can trust him. But when he leaves to go to work, I can't stand it. I have this compulsion to know every move he makes and I think I make myself sick worrying. The guy has to work right, I can't be with him every minute of the day. I guess it all comes down to trust. How do I ever trust him again?

I feel so bad about always dumping on you guys, I wish I could help someone, but right now I don't think that I'm in any kind of shape for that. I did post to Edurad yesterday. I hope they don/t make the same mistakes I did.

Chin up, guys, keep busy, it helps pass the day and takes your mind off everything. God Bless, your all in my prayers.

Vic1