I've been here,mostly lurking, H and I went to court this last week and have temporary orders in effect. Divorce could be final end of next month. Things have settled down some, for a while we weren't speaking at all which was Ok but difficult with issues about our 16 year old son. Anyway, H is still living with OW and still looks somewhat depressed and has been sick twice since he moved out in Oct. At any rate, I am coping pretty well, thank goodnes for paxil. My question at the moment is, H wants to take son to visit his mother in the next state, to help her with some work on her house. This would be fine with me but he is going to take OW too. Son is 16 years old and is depressed over father's behavior, I have him seeing a counselor now. From what son has told me, since his father moved out he hasn't had any time alone with his dad. Always OW is around, or her 4 kids and he is busy with them. To me he seems to be feeling somewhat displaced by these "new kids" in his dad's life. Apparently the OW is trying to make arrangements with her H to take the kids for these days that they will be gone or get babysitters for them. I am concerned about all of this. Its one thing for son to go over to OW's house to visit but he has the freedom to leave when he wants. On a trip like this he will have to witness more directly the intimate relationship between H and the OW and he has already been through that once. ( H took son to a soccer tournament in another city and brought OW along without my knowledge). I want my son to continue his relationship with his father but I am concerned about all that this implies. H is doing several things, that son has been taught at church, and at home that are WRONG and this is confusing to him to witness this. Sorry this is so long, any imput would be appreciated. <P>------------------<BR>joanne<P>

joanne,<P>I am a firm believer in children not being overly exposed to the OP.<P>That is why I have a restraining order to keep my W's OM from spending any overnights with my kids... Mostly as a protection since my daughter is only 7.<P>I have an older son 17yo... andhe too knows how wrong it is to show inappropriate affection infront of younger children... and what "adultery" means...<P>He is almost an adult...<BR>Your son is close too...<P>If you have the kind of relationship where you can talk to him (as I have with my son)... have hime express his desires... to you and his dad... Forcing a 16yo to do anything that is not in their realm of "being morally OK"... allows everything to be thought of as "morally OK"!<P>When the forum picks up... you'll get both sides on this issue.<P>Jim

joanne,<BR>I to was struggling with the issues of my children being involved with the OW. We have four kids 2-15, and the 15 yr old will have nothing to do with her father at all. she is so angry about what he did that she does'nt want to see him. The other kids (twins that are 9) told him that they didn't want to meet his friend and so far he has not forced the issue. They are really hurt by the fact that this woman has two kids and that there dad does "stuff" with them. They feel like he has dumped the old family for a new one. My husband can't understand this. He thinks our oldest is just being a teenager and will come around. I think that she will be like this for along time if not always. I know she needs a relationship with her father, but I'm not sure if I should force her. I think you should let your son decide if thats what he wants to do. I'm a strong believer that this should not be shoved down there throat and they should have some say in the matter. Have you asked him what he wants?<P>Hope all works out<BR>deb

Joanne,<P>I agree whole-heartedly with Jim's view on this topic.<P>I told my wife that our 3 yr old D is <B>never, not even once, not ever</B> going to be around dope head OB.<P>I made no threats as to repercussions, she knows how severe it could be.<P>This is one area that I am passionate about.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Joanne,<P>I agree with dumpedwife. Your son is old enough to make his own decisions about this. As you said he has been taught at church and at home that what his father is doing is wrong. <P>I am struggling with this too as my EW wants to take our two kids(9 & 12) to Fl. next month along with om and stay at his mothers.<BR>Kids aren't sure they want to go, but it is very tempting for them, but they don't like om.<P>All of my counselors have said to let the children chose. So that is what I am going to do.<P>God Bless<P><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<BR>

I'd like to suggest that you sit down and talk to your son about it all.<BR>He's 16 he's old enough but I also know that 16 year olds are sometimes pretty hard to talk to but still.<P>I'd tell him that it is confusing you know but that regardless of what is happening, that his dad and you still love him very much. That you will be ok if he wants to go and let it be his decision. He obviously knows that OW will be there and since the other trip he'll have an idea on what to expect. Let him decide.<P>Genie

My friends have all nailed it, Joanne. He's old enough to decide for himself. And he should.<P>I personally think it's terrible your H is even considering this, but we know they lose all brain-power during this nonsense. But at 16, you can't be the one to come b/n them if he really needs that time with his father.<P>Is their relationship good enough that your son could tell him he wants to be with him,but he doesn't want anyone else around. Because he hasn't had much (if any) of that kind of time with his dad lately? Even if it doesn't make H change his mind, it may make him think and start to set aside a little time like that for him.<P>Good luck. Your son will be ok. He's old enough that he knows right from wrong and he'll make his own moral decisions, no matter what your husband's behavior is.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Ahhhh...Joanne. The issue is so difficult. And it seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. What are parents in the moral corner to do? It's like we're telling the kids "don't do as [betraying spouse] does, do what we SAY, when you grow up." <P>This same question came up for me three years ago. H was dating his secretary, who has 3 daughters of her own. We have 2 girls, who were 7 and 14 at the time. They planned a week-long vacation to N. Carolina and would spend the majority of time staying with her family. H discussed the trip with our kids first, which immediately put me in the "mean" chair if I said no...he had already talked it up so much. I was furious. We'd already been round and round about him taking the kids to spend overnights at her place during his visitation, and that was stopped. But now I had two little girls looking at me with pleading eyes...couldn't they PLEASE go, mommy? I finally said yes after weighing everything (and actually trusting OW's parental skills more than H's, odd though that sounds). I was a basket-case the week they were gone. Once home (and boy, was I thankful!) the girls reported that they'd had a good time, and H had only lost our 7 yr. old on the beach once. [insert scream!!]<P>Just last week, EX-H was back in town visiting family with his new-wife (a different woman he'd moved across the U.S. to marry whom he'd met on the internet...the girls' now-stepmother they hadn't met for a year) and wanted to keep the girls with him for a week. First I heard he would be renting two hotel rooms, then I heard the two rooms were for him and his W, the other for HER 2 teenage girls...and our girls would be spending overnights with their grandmother. The enormity of his IDIOCY astounded me. THEN I heard money was tight, they would rent one room, and ALL the girls would be staying with grandma, but OUR girls would be sleeping on the pull-out couch while her girls took the bedroom our girls usually slept in on weekends there. I held my ground for the mid-week time, they slept here. But over the weekend, that's what happened. At least the girls bonded with their "sisters" which I think took the sting out of their dad's thoughtless arrangements. What a screw-up he is!!!<P>Here's my input on your situation, Joanne. He's 16. Does he want to go? If he does, let him. If he doesn't but is hesitant to tell dad himself, take the "blame" for it yourself--he's almost grown, yes, but he IS still a child. That's a guilt-trip in the making between him and his dad.<P>Good luck!<P>Laura

Thank you all for replying, after much prayer and reading I have decided to allow son to go with his father. Son has said he wants to go but I just had to tell stbx that I did not feel really comfortable with the situation as a parent and he said OK. Bonus is son will get to visit with his grandmother and I talked with her and she will watch after him. LOL I feel I am sending him off with crazy people and son is the mature one . Feeling better now, thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>joanne<P>

You did the right thing, particularly because you are about to be divorced and your H's seems to be more than an short-live affair (he's introducing OW to his mother, etc., etc.). My parents divorced when I was 13 basically because of my father's constant cheating. One day years later, when I was 20, I had a flat tire and found out that the I didn't have a jack; my father lived nearby and I called him to see if he could help me; he showed up with his girlfriend- a 22-yr. old bimbo that he immediately tried to force down my throat (or that's how it felt- can't imagine being forced to go on a trip with her). Should he had made reference about her it would had made a big difference. As parents sometimes we feel obliged to make decisions for our children, but they are individuals who can (especially when they're almost adults- remember when you where 16?) make their own decisions.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn