This is my first time posting on MB...

I am the H of LIT...As some (or many) of you already know, my W told me about her A on Tuesday (7/8). I am still in some shock, but reality is starting to settle in.

My W told me about MB and suggested I come here to get some perspective and support.

When I first was told about the A, I felt like dying. I wondered, "how could she do this to me?" My first reaction was to feel sorry for myself, which is exactly what I did. My W and I have been married for over 3 years, but have been together for 9yrs. I felt like we had a pretty good marriage, but now realize it wasn't a good one. Looking back, I totally understand why she was looking elsewhere for EN's...I would get very irritated at her for things she could not control doing (drinking loud, talking loud...all the stupid stuff that shouldn't matter), and while I told her I loved her multiple times everyday, I now realize that I seldom ever showed it. I would never listen to her, because I thought she would talk too much, and that would irritate me. Our sex life was pretty nonexistent as well (this was my fault). I hate myself for putting her through this misery...She never deserved to be treated this way by anyone, especially her H!! While there is no excuse for what she did, I fully understand what led up to that point.

I have always been the type of person who said they would get an immediate divorce if I was ever cheated on. Now I find myself here not yet ready to give up on our M...Since I just found out about the A a few days ago, I still have a constant flood of mixed emotions running through my head. Sometimes I want to just leave her, other times I want to have my own A to "even the field", and other times I just want to hold her and kiss her and apologize for everything I have ever done to her and a couple of times I have thought of suicide. I am having alot of problems coping with our situation, so I am turning to my fellow MBer's for guidance.

I do have a couple of questions that I would appreciated any type of feedback on:

1. I spent the first night in a hotel room, but have stayed in our house ever since...Is this a healthy thing for me to do? Do I need time alone?? We have had numerous lengthy conversations everyday, and even though all the information she is telling me knocks me down a little lower, I feel it is helping me gain some perspective on why she had the A.

2. How long does it usually take for a BS to be able to look their WW in the eyes and not get disgusted or sick to your stomach? How long has it taken some of you to renew your sex life? My W has told me she is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be able to touch her or make love to her again...I believe that she is telling the truth, but I also don't want to deprive her of her physical needs or she might go off and have another A on me.

3. Should we start MC immediately or wait until the A has truly set in with me? I plan on starting IC next week to work on my own issues.

I am trying very hard to be as civil as possible and am using every shread of my love for her to try and rebulid our M. I appreciated all the help and support you all have given my W through this difficult time in her life. While I won't take blame for her having an A, I do share the blame for all of her pain leading up to it. When I look at her, I still feel angry and disgusted with her, but I know she is trying to change the person she has become. I too am trying to change the person I had become.

While I will never forget what she has done to me, I know in time I will be able to forgive you and she can forgive me. I really hope our M will last forever, but I understand that only time will tell and we both need to give it a chance.

Thanks for listening...

mjr,

Welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place to get support and understanding.

1. I spent the first night in a hotel room, but have stayed in our house ever since...Is this a healthy thing for me to do? Do I need time alone?? We have had numerous lengthy conversations everyday, and even though all the information she is telling me knocks me down a little lower, I feel it is helping me gain some perspective on why she had the A.

If you want to rebuild your marriage, and it seems as though you do....the best place to do that is at home. Inspite of the pain, time together is one of the basic building blocks to a successful marriage, and absolutely essential for rebuilding the compatibility that may have been missing before the A. The Four Rules of a Successful marriage include: Time, Care, Protection, and Honesty. I think you are fortunate that your wife is willing to be honest. The marriages that seem to recover fastest from this trauma are the ones where honesty is consistent and immediate. While it is harder now, you cannot know how much longer recovery would take if it trickled out over months and years. Each new discovery would knock back to square one....and it happens over and over here. I am very encouraged that you wife is willing to be honest and open about your affair....because it shows a commitment to real recovery. I'm sorry it's so hard to hear these things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

2. How long does it usually take for a BS to be able to look their WW in the eyes and not get disgusted or sick to your stomach? How long has it taken some of you to renew your sex life? My W has told me she is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be able to touch her or make love to her again...I believe that she is telling the truth, but I also don't want to deprive her of her physical needs or she might go off and have another A on me.

There is no set time for healing to occur. It's different for everyone....and that's the truth. You will have to make your own time line...but the things you are doing....exploring, seeking help, examining how your marriage became vulnerable...all of those things will help to make this process as short as it can be for YOU. Don't feel bad if it takes longer than you expect. It's wonderful that you can understand your wife's perspective...you have no idea how rare that is this early....but don't forget, YOU have just been through a devastating event and cut yourself some slack.

3. Should we start MC immediately or wait until the A has truly set in with me? I plan on starting IC next week to work on my own issues.

Right now while you are in crisis, is the best time to get help. While this pain is so fresh and emotions are so bruised, is the time when there is the most danger of making bad decisions, so don't wait.

I am trying very hard to be as civil as possible and am using every shread of my love for her to try and rebulid our M. I appreciated all the help and support you all have given my W through this difficult time in her life. While I won't take blame for her having an A, I do share the blame for all of her pain leading up to it. When I look at her, I still feel angry and disgusted with her, but I know she is trying to change the person she has become. I too am trying to change the person I had become.

This paragraph shows an openess and willingness that few posters walk onto this site with. It gives me every reason to believe that the two of you CAN and will overcome this dark episode in your lives. I don't recommend having affairs, but I will tell you that my H's affair....because we both renewed our commitment, became the catalyst for the wonderful marriage we have built together. It took us almost two years to reach recovery...so hunker down and expect to be in this for the long haul. I promise that the pain, disgust, pictures, anguish and fear.....will subside and be manageable in time....hopefully a short time since the two of you are both working on this.

Glad you are here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 13, 2003, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Hi mjr.

My story is below and I am new here. Probably can't add much to what Starfish says, but I wanted to give you my perspective, since I think you and I are on the same page with our WSs.

I don't think separation would be helpful at this point, even a temporary one to a hotel. H told me almost 3 days ago, and while I am still reeling on one level, his willingness to answer questions (even when I ask them a number of times or different ways) is helping me to compartmentalize the whole thing and work through it. Last night we were even able to share a little bit of time together working on a project on his car that was very pleasant and didn't have constant recriminations.

His tendency is to feel very sorry for himself during these discussions and I am being somewhat careful that while I make it clear how I feel I do not make the situation worse by insults. I have found that calmly stating my true feelings is getting my point across.

It helps that this was in the past, and so there is not really the issue of withdrawal, that I can tell.

Hope this helps. I'll be watching for your posts.

mjr2003

I've already posted under your wife's thread in Recovery, but if you'll bear with me, I share what I can here.

First, what a huge step to acknowledge the environment that led to your wife being vulnerable. That is a major thing. You are absolutely right that the affair was her choice, but to realize and start to accept where you were before the affair is a big step, in my very humble opinion(IMVHO).

I, too, made the statement that if my wife ever cheated, the door wouldn't hit my butt as a I walked out it. My situation was slightly compounded because the affair happened in 1998, and then our son was born in 2000. When I finally found out about it earlier this year, part of me felt like revealing the affair at this time had been planned by her so that our child would keep me with her. I have concluded over several weeks, though, that if I truly wanted out, I would go. The world is full of divorced people who raise their kids in two households. Not the healthiest way to raise kids, but it is certainly done.

No, when I made my decision to stay, which was slowly done over about three weeks, it was primarily because, corny though it may be, I still love my wife. When it came down to it, being with her despite the affair was more important to me than being without her. Like you, we have a long history - together 13 years and married 12. Its hard to contemplate throwing that all away. There are days, however, when I am a lot closer to doing just that than others. This is a very bumpy ride we're on.

I also contemplated a 'revenge affair', but in all reality, what would this do to truly help heal a marriage? In the end, both parties hurt, and are hurt by each other. Misery and company? No thanks. Its not a decision of Moral Superiority, either. I recognize that at times, I have been tempted, too. I never made the choice that my wife did, but that doesn't mean it would be O.K. now.... I hope this makes a little sense; its been a long, sleepless night.

You ask whether or not its O.K. to stay at home, or if you need time alone. You have to make that call... I stayed for my son, and because, early on, I decided to give our marriage the best chance possible. I couldn't see how leaving would help accomplish that, at least until I had tried to do everything I could. There are still times when I have the desire to move out, and there are times as my wife and I talk that I think it would be best, but thankfully, for me, those times are becoming fewer and farther between. Whether you stay or you go, as your wife remembers things about the affair and shares them with you (which hopefully she'll do if you want her to,) these mini-revelations will bring you down. If you're like me, though, learning what ACTUALLY happened will usually be a lot less traumatic that what your imagining. Just remember to not lash out at her for sharing. That will only make her more inclined to hide things that she thinks might hurt you, and you definitely don't want to encourage that.

Another thought; Talking is good. Not the run of the mill everyday conversations, but the real heart to heart stuff. In a way, I envy you the fact that you don't have kids, because this is a lot harder to do with them, IMHO.

Your second question is a lot harder for me because I reacted very differently to the revelation. Sexual fulfillment is my primary emotional need, and throughout our marriage I have never been satisfied with our sex lives. I had my own ways of dealing with this, and I seemed to skate along, never being tempted enough to stray. Since finding out about the affair, however, our intimacy has increased dramatically. I recognize that part of this was me trying to reclaim something taken from me. There is more to it, though. I firmly believe that keeping the affair a secret for so long caused my wife to shut herself off to sexual expression; by repressing the affair she repressed how she reacted to me. For me, the new honesty in our marriage has been very stimulating. I do recognize that there is a HUGE difference in our situations; Your wife's affair just ended, my wife’s was over for four years. She had spent that time trying to forget it. I don't have issues like no contact, lingering feelings, proximity to the OM to deal with as they were decided a long time ago. We even had sold the bed that they had been in, thank goodness. Maybe this made it easier for me to stay intimate, I don't really know.

I guess this rambling comes down to this: Try to identify your needs, and then, as much as you can, try to let your wife meet them. You have to tell her what they are, though, and when you need them. No one is a mind reader. I sometimes think that my wife should just know when I need a hug, a kiss, a card or some intimacy. She can't tell that's what I need unless I let her know it, and its not fair for me to get angry because she doesn't. It still happens, though.

As far as counseling, I can't offer anything. We have yet to reach that point ourselves. Right now we're being honest, talking when we can, and spending time together alone and as a family. My wife does her best to answer all my questions, and I do my best to not let the answers bring me down. I do not often succeed, but her willingness to answer and her remorse for what she did gives me great hope.

One final thing, and then I think I'll try to take a nap... Read here. Learn what you can and see where others are. Post when you feel like it. This is a wonderful place to vent your spleen, especially when its three in the morning, you're not sleeping, and you don't feel like anyone in the world gives a damn about you and what you're going through. There are some really good guys and gals on this site that have helped me, and my wife, tremendously. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't found this site.

Jake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. I spent the first night in a hotel room, but have stayed in our house ever since...Is this a healthy thing for me to do? Do I need time alone?? We have had numerous lengthy conversations everyday, and even though all the information she is telling me knocks me down a little lower, I feel it is helping me gain some perspective on why she had the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay I will tell you what my therapist and many books I have read say.....do whay YOU feel you need to do for YOURSELF at this stage. If you need distance get distance. If you need to rage, scream and shout do it....but not to your wife. Go get a punching bag and kick the sh#t out of it. Or roll the windows down on the interstate with your radio wide open and SCREAM, CUSS AND SHOUT to your voice is gone.

Do what you feel you need to do at this moment provided it is not against the law and does not hurt another person and that includes not just your wife but the OM as well....yeah I know I wanted to hunt him down and gut him like a pig...still do. For those things that are illegal or would hurt another person then fantasize about it....go to a shooting range and pretend he is the target.

In other words do what YOU feel needs to be done.

That being said I have watched carefully every word of your wife's post and can tell you as ugly as the affair is in your mind her heart is with you and hates itself for the pain it/she has caused you. That is huge my friend. So many deny, others can't decide between the OP and the spouse and a large majority actually fault the wayward spouse.

You don't face the battle many have faced...luckily I didn't either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. How long does it usually take for a BS to be able to look their WW in the eyes and not get disgusted or sick to your stomach? How long has it taken some of you to renew your sex life? My W has told me she is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be able to touch her or make love to her again...I believe that she is telling the truth, but I also don't want to deprive her of her physical needs or she might go off and have another A on me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to tell you will have to deal with a third person in the bedroom for quite sometime. You will have to deal with mental pictures and triggers for quite sometime. It will be a long journey. But it will ease up over time....you will never truly forget about it but you will learn to forgive and live with it. You will learn that you can have a better more connected marriage if you survive this crisis. You will also suddenly feel the above feelings for no reason at all perhaps several years from now. But if you two reconnect you will also realize that the A was a blessing in disguise...a cruel disguise but a blessing anyhow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 3. Should we start MC immediately or wait until the A has truly set in with me? I plan on starting IC next week to work on my own issues. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Immediately as in the day before if not sooner. MC is like having a guide or scout. Its too late to hire one once you are lost.

mrj2003 I know you will face the most painful time in your life for several months. But I can see in your wife's post that there is a real chance for you two to have a complete marriage not a just get by marriage.

You are not ready and should not try to forgive or understand what is happening. Just make a committment to hang in there and take it day by day. You will find you take 2 steps forward and one step back and that is how your journey will be.

Good luck and we are here for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">stunned_dad:

"Just make a committment to hang in there and take it day by day." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mjr2003 I firmly beleive that the above quote from stunned_dad holds a great deal of importance for your recovery and I would like to give you my thoughts as to why I beleive this to be the case.

Just the mere thought of the task of recovery (individual and marital) can fill a BS (and WS) with feelings of overwhelming dread. Your perspective can either help or hurt recovery. If you take the perspective of:

"This is too much for me to deal with and I just can't cope with the amount of time this recovery will take"

Then you are indeed setting yourself up for failure. But if you take the following:

"Since I cannot know what tomorrow will bring, I will not become its slave and engage in wild and unproductive speculation. Therefore I will not make any promises regarding tomorrow but I WILL promise that TODAY I will do everything in my power to handle the tough challenges in my life in a positive and constructive way so that my heart and mind will be at peace at the end of the day."

Then you are setting yourself for success. Yes I know it does sounds pompous and corny but it's nonetheless a very mentally and emotionally freeing affirmation that focuses your efforts in the here and now where they belong.

I'll leave you with the following.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?
A: One bite at a time.

Don't try to eat the whole elephant of recovery in one bite.

Thanks for replying to my post...I really do think that posting and reading on this site will help us fully understand our situation and provide a solid backbone going forward.

I do consider myself lucky that my WW wants to work things out...I really do believe that in my heart. It's just very hard to say it, because I am still very angry at her. I stayed up until 7am this morning and just watched her sleep on the couch. Some moments I see this very beautiful woman that I fell in love with and want so much to touch/smell her hair or caress her face...Then those feelings would quickly fade into hurt and utter disgust.

Even during our most difficult times in our M, I always looked forward to going to sleep with her. She is so innocent and cute when she is asleep. I am on cloud 9 when she falls asleep in my arm, or I'm spooning her, or when she wakes up in the middle of the night for a split second but uses that time to find my hand to hold while she fades back into her sleep. Now I see her sleep, and I can't feel that way towards her. It makes me hate her and myself for putting our M in this situation.

We opened everything to each other yesterday (as far as I know anyways)...The A, before the A, even before we got M...It was very hard for both of us to say and hear certain things, but I feel very relieved about it. We had a huge communication problem, which we both want to change so badly, and this lets us start all over again...I am looking forward to this very much!

I will continue to post and read everything I can on this site, and really appreciate the information, experiences and advice all of you have and will be providing my W and I in the future...

TooMuchCoffeeMan: Very interesting analogy about "eating an elephant." I realize you have to take one bite at a time, but I would much prefer eating beef instead!

Take care and good luck to everybody!

Mjr, i feel your pain, i know your pain, i live that same pain everyday. I am 5 weeks past D day of my W's A and it's still hard to look at her and not see a dispicable, digusting person. I to thought i would immediately get a divorce if my W cheated on me, i think everyone says this and i had said it to her which probably made it impossible for her to tell me.

You are lucky that your wife was strong enough to tell you, i found out from the OM's W and the OM. I think my W would have never told me if she had the choice. Like your W, my W was immediately remorseful and wanted to save our marriage, however i through her right out, well i almost had to carry her out as she would not get up off the floor, luckily she only weighs 140lbs, but she's 5' 11" which made her difficult to carry and i think i hurt my back. See i'm allready starting to joke about it.

For me I immediately wanted to work on our sex life and so did she, i still find it hard to make love to her though.

If you need time alone then ask her to leave, you should not have to leave your home because of your W's infidelity. I let my wife move back in 3 days latter and it was a hard decision to make. We only actually spent one night apart though.

I wish i had some good advice for you, something i could say to help answer that question we all have asked our WS "How could you do this to me?", but there is no easy answer.

Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, despite this A. From how you described her it's obvious to me you love her very much.

My wifes A broke my heart, i cried like a baby, for the first time in my 30 years i thought of suicide, but that doesn't solve anything. While i'm sure i could take my own life, there are just too many things worth living for in this world, life isn't easy, but nothing worth having is, what i'm saying is it takes a coward to kill themselves.

I'm going to end my post with a saying that didn't really make since to me until my wife's A happened.

"To err is human, to forgive is divine."

Hi mjr2003,

I'm glad you came here.

The intense feelings are normal. I remember when I first found out, I immediately thougth of divorce, kicking his butt out, taking his dirty laundry to her house, all the stuff. It took all my energy to get through school and work without breaking down.

Everyday when I left work, I just wanted to keep on driving, I did not want to go home. Some days, I would scream in my car at that top of my lungs, I yelled at god, I yelled at my H, I yelled because it was all I could do. The pain, as you know is so intense, you cannot keep it bottled up. (And, I immediately apologized to god, I knew it was not his fault). I asked god to let me die right now. Of course I have 3 kids, so I changed my mind about that too, and told god that I changed my mind.

How long did it take, well, I don't know. I had ups and downs.

I have two treads, my first one was title "I strongly suspect". It was getting long, so I started a new one with a similar title.

As far as the ML area, well, that I never stopped, honestly, I initiated it more than before. It took alot out of me, I would sometimes cry afterwards. In my situation, I kept all my crying to myself. I never let him see me cry. I cannot, not now. Maybe not ever.

I really hope you two make it. I honestly believe the two of you have so much love for each other, that you two can make it.

Best of luck to you.

FAITHFUL>>>My WW is also 5'11, 140lbs...The similarities never stop!

I had a "relapse" a couple of hours ago. I asked my W about more details of the A, which she told me...I somehow feel even more pain for knowing this information, but would rather know it now then later. I really do appreciate her being completely open with me, but some of the stuff she did really degraded and belittled me.

Without getting into too much detail, my W had an A with a co-worker who doesn't live in our state. The first time he came here on business, my W wanted me to meet him. We all hung out and had a great time. He was very nice and seemed genuine and I got along with him. Well, everytime he cam into town, my W would want us to go out and have some drinks with him. I had fun everytime he was in town...What I didn't know at the time was that my W was having an A with him in his hotel room...She told me she had to meeting him in the hotel lobby to get some work done. I found out tonight that she actually kissed him one night when we were all out together (I had went to the bathroom). I immediately became digusted and extremely angry with her. I yelled at her and said some things that I shouldn't have said. I later calmed down and apologized for my actions. However, I now feel more hurt by her, and I'm starting to question whether I want to salvage our M with someone who obviously hates me so much. My W and the OM purposedly played a game with me in public that noone should even do to their worst enemy.

The actual A is one thing, but playing a sick joke at my expense is something I feel is completely different. Why do people want to have a M with someone who has no regards for them whatsoever?

Our "rebuild" or whatever you want to call it has just taken several huge steps back...I am extremely close to just walking out the door and keeping her out of my life forever. My heart tells me not too, but the pain she is putting me through is beginning to be unbearable.

I am so lost that I just want to die, so I never have to think about it again.

As the one betrayed, you (and I, still sometimes) think that the affair is about you. That a conscious thought was made by you wife and the OM to make you feel horrible, and that everyone was laughing at you. The horrible trick.

I know this feeling. One of the hardest things for me to assimilate in all of this is the thought process between when the OM kissed my wife for the first time, and five days later when they snuck away after work to have sex for the first time. How could she not think about our marriage? How could she do that, knowing what it would do to me? How COULD she? She has told me that she tried to stop him, half-heartedly or even less, and eventually just gave in... How could she do this to me?

The hard answer to this question is that the affair was never about me.

It was about her and the emotional needs that she allowed the OM to meet. When it was happening, it wasn't about consequences to actions; that came much later when the affair was winding down and eventually ended. That's when she started to realize that her actions were going to have HUGE consequences to her marriage to me, and to our relationship. I think this is why my wife chose to hide it.

I'll be frank with you, mjr. My wife did some intimate things for the OM that she never did for me. We are growing together in these areas now, but only after revelation. She had four years to become the wife I had always wanted, but the catalyst for BOTH of us to move closer together was the revelation of her affair, and genuine remorse on her part.

A hard realization was that she didn't do those things for him to spite me...I was never even given consideration until much later.

I'm not sure, but in the way you describe how they met and started the affair, there was some strong sense in her that her unmet needs could be filled by the OM long before it started. I am only going off the post, understand, and have no particular insight. Somewhere in there, she must have realized that what she was doing would have tremendous consequences, otherwise the affair would still be ongoing.

And you're absolutely right. During the affair, she had no regards for you. She was lost in a very selfish and personal world in which there was no piper to pay for the dance.

What I've seen here, though, in these posts and pages indicates to me that she isn't in the "fog" at all anymore, she understands what she has done, and she wants to learn from it and grow WITH YOU.

Please try and remember that while it was happening, it wasn't about you. It was about her.

Only you can decide what you can and cannot live with. Only you can decide if the pain is worth the potential gain.

And one final note; whatever you do, please do not throw your life away. I work in an arena where I see way too much uncaring and unthoughtful people. You are very much a caring and thoughful person. You have the ability to look at yourself and recognize shortcomings, and take steps to correct them. The world needs MORE people like you, not less.

Take care....

Jake.

Sorry. Darned power bump and a double post....

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: JakeB ]</small>

To my H

Last night I became weak. I became weak with disgust for myself, shame, terror for what I am putting you through. Last night, I went to bed in the guest bedroom in hopes of eliminating just one of the triggers which makes you feel so horrible.

Last night you came to me. Last night you told me.....
-you were sorry for yelling at me
-you felt lower than you did on d-day
-you hoped this was as low as you would go, because then there was nowhere but up
-in all it's horror, this experience was making you a better person
-you wanted the benefit to be a better, stronger marriage
-you truly thought I wanted to be a better person

You told me not to give up -- because you didn't want to give up.

To what do I owe this generosity, this dedication, this strength, this courageousness, this love?

Not to what -- to whom. YOU

You are my life, M.

Please, I do not want you to have to carry me....I want to walk beside you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TooMuchCoffeeMan: Very interesting analogy about "eating an elephant." I realize you have to take one bite at a time, but I would much prefer eating beef instead! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay....from one beef lover to another....How do you eat a full rack of BBQ Ribs? One delicious rib at at time!

mjr2003 - Welcome to the system! Yes, I regret the circumstances that brought you here, but I applaud your decision to post. You will get a lot of great advice, but take this little caution to heart. We are all, or have been, going through the same things you are. But we all have our own biases and emotions, so take all the advice and sift it to what you think is appropriate to your situation. No one here will ever know exactly what the dynamics are between you and LIT.

Also, I am a firm believer that some things should always stay between a husband and a wife. Yes there is anonymity here, but remember that your marriage is a private kingdom that only allows three people to be involved in every detail, you, your wife, and (not MB).....God. The same will hold true when you come to the inevitable question most of us reach...who outside of the two of you should know about the affair? The real answer, assuming you may want to recover your marriage, is as few people as is necessary and only with those who have a real "need to know" (like a counselor - who, by the way, you should be with ASAP).

Now, on to your "burning question" about timelines. There is no easy answer here. Please read the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It will give you a lot of valuable information as well as a graphic timeline of typical recover periods. The timeline varies for everyone.

Here on MB, you will find that the average is about 2 years. I know that seems forever right now, it did to me. I never thought I'd make it that far or that long. Now, 14 months into recovery, I am amazed at how fast these 14 months have gone by and it reminds me of starting school and thinking that 4 years was an eternity. Then, at graduation, looking back and wondering how I made it through all those tough science courses (Comparative Anatomy, Quantitative and Qualitative Chemical Analysis, etc.)and how the 4 years went by so "fast". It's the perspective of "looking back" instead of worrying about an unknown future.

So what little "nugget" can I offer you from someone who has "been there" and is still working on recovery? Two things leap to mind (there are lots of them but I think these two "top the list").

First, you have a wife who has chosen you. Chosen you to love and was willing to risk it all to be honest with you while knowing that doing so could well cost her the person she has realized that she truly does love more than breath itself.
You can be assured that the guilt and anguish that she feels is real, and deeply painful. The deepest pain we all feel is when WE realize that WE have been the cause of pain for someone we love and care deeply for. Thank God for His model of forgiveness or the pain could be so crushing as to drive us to suicide or feelings of profound hopelessness.

Second, all of the decisions are in your hands. To attempt recovery or not. To learn from mistakes or not. To love your wife or not. To forgive your wife or not. To suffer needlessly or not. To learn new "skills" (i.e. safe conversation) or not. The list goes on and on. LIT has made HER commitment on these topics and placed your future together into your hands. Never before and never again will someone place "absolute" power into your hands and await your decision.

So now, let me conclude with this little piece of hard earned "advice". Only YOU can choose. You can choose to wallow in pain, or you can choose to accept that, "yes, it's painful but I will do it anyway". Only you can choose to lock the movies in a dark closet of your mind and refuse to let them out simply because they belong to someone other than the wonderful person you chose to marry. It happened. It's over. It was as if some alien was in control of her mind and now has been vanquished. YOU choose the timeframe that allows you to either wallow in pain and despair, or to "accept" that the past cannot be altered but you CAN alter TODAY and build a new and better FUTURE where you are both wiser and more "in-tune" and loving with each other.

Why is this important? Because the recovery road is not flat and linear. It is a rollercoaster with good days and bad days, ups and downs, days of elation and days of depression. Each day you have to CHOOSE who you will be that day and what you allow to control you that day. Sometimes you may want to be alone. Be alone. Go to another room, take a walk, go somewhere. It's okay. Take the time to ask yourself if the "problem of the day" is a "dealbreaker" or just another ugly pain in the buttocks to get through. Put it in the context of where you want to be on "graduation day" at some date in the future. You made it!....or you failed through lack of perseverance.

As a Christian, I think a lot about Christ in Gethsemene. The pain and anguish was SO great that He asked the Father to be "released" from the path he was on. But He said "nevertheless, not my will but thine be done". He committed to the "graduation" regardless of the day's pain. He did it for ME. He did it for LIT. He did it for you. He showed the way of agape love. I didn't deserve the love and He didn't deserve the pain. When you think of phrases like "love conquers all", think of His horrible price and his magnificent gift to all of us, all of us who sin many times during our lives.

God bless. Hang in there. One day at time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverHers:

Also, I am a firm believer that some things should always stay between a husband and a wife. Yes there is anonymity here, but remember that your marriage is a private kingdom that only allows three people to be involved in every detail, you, your wife, and (not MB).....God. The same will hold true when you come to the inevitable question most of us reach...who outside of the two of you should know about the affair? The real answer, assuming you may want to recover your marriage, is as few people as is necessary and only with those who have a real "need to know" (like a counselor - who, by the way, you should be with ASAP).

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMVHO, My affair thrived in the dark - no one close to me knew while it was happening. If they had they may have been able to give me wake up call as to what I was doing to my M. I do not think you should tell everyone you see and there has to be an agreement between you and your spouse as to who you think you might tell but some people close to that you trust might have some good advice or might be able to support the two of you. On the other hand be ready for negative responses also, a fairly good friend at Jake's work had a response he didn't expect and that has since cooled their friendship. Sometimes it is also ?nice? to know their are other people you know not just have talked to on MB that have been in the place we find ourselves now.

Love & Prayers to you,

Recommited

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mjr2003:
<strong>
The actual A is one thing, but playing a sick joke at my expense is something I feel is completely different. Why do people want to have a M with someone who has no regards for them whatsoever?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife did the same thing. She introduced him to me. We've had dinner at his house. I've invited him to our house for a party. We even went to his kid's 1 year birthday party! How sick is that?

As if all the sex they had wasn't bad enough, I thought she must have truly hated me to throw it in my face like that. She had absolutely no respect for me.

So why am I still married to her? I don’t know. I ask myself that everyday. I guess my name is the answer. I have hope for us. I know at one time, we had a really great relationship and I hope someday we will again.

BTW, the night I found out, I kicked her out for the whole weekend. I needed time alone. Some people need more space than others. If you need it, take it. When I let her come back home, she slept in the guest bedroom for 2 weeks. We are now trying to spend more time together.

MJR,

I know it is tough, the early days are the worst. It really does get better.

What makes it the most unbearable, your imagination? You asking for details? Or is it the A in general?

If it is the details, do you really have to have them? I recall a veteran, I think it was Pepperband, I could be wrong, she commented something about having the details could be worse than not. I hope that person reads this, and clarifies better than I can.

If you did not have the details, would your imagination come up with worse things than what LIT did?

I'm guessing here, but I think it is hard for LIT to give you the details, because she knows it is causing you more pain. She is doing it because she wants to be honest with you when you ask. That must take alot for her to do that.

I know it is hard for you to hear it. If you want to rebuild, how crucial is this information for you to have in rebuilding? Only you know the answer to this question.

Oh, the ups and downs, are very normal. Whether you rebuild or not, you will be going through this.

Take care.

Hope>>Sorry to hear you were jerked around too...That is one of the things I am having the most difficulty with. How could she not know she was hurting me when all three of us went out?? I am stuck wondering how someone to can act so nasty to me actually love me and want to be with me? That is why it is so difficult to believe her when she says that she loves me.

Jake>>I am trying to read every post you have on MB. Your posts usually say my exact feelings. Thanks for helping me out!

I have started to become physical ill yesterday and I can't get it to stop. I am starting to go to the bathroom and dry heaving (sorry for the disgusting image). I thought it had ended yesterday, but today at work, I have had to did it again on a couple of occassions. Is anyone else having/had this problem? I wish it would stop, because my stomach is really starting to hurt!!

Sue>>To answer your question, it is all of the above.

Details - I wanted to know all of the details now instead of somehow finding out later. I believe she has been very open/honest with me, but I come up with new questions everyday. I would rather hit all my low points now, instead of finding out while recovering.

Imagination - Although I believe LIT has told me every detail about her A, I still imagine her doing this stuff, and it makes me want to throw up. I also imagaine that she has done other things that she hasn't/won't tell me, which also makes me want to throw up.

The A - Yes, when I found out about the A, I thought I hit the lowest point in my life. I want my W and I to get everything out of the bag and try to start fresh with no secrets whatsoever. However, I am finding it harder to keep fighting the fight, when I find out about all the other nasty stuff she has done (even the little stuff) that I truly cherished doing with her. The fact that my WS and OM would knowingly play their game in front of me, rips out any self-respect I had for myself.

I will continue to try and as hard as I can, but it is really starting to take a toll on my mind and body...

MJR - I'm am so sorry that you are going through hell right now. My H was where you are 6 months ago. I have asked him to posted, but I don't know if he is ready or not. He too, went through the physical side. I don't know if he got sick, but I know he went days without eating.

Have you posted anything on the In Recovery board? The reason I ask is because there are a lot of vets there that have been where you are and could maybe give some good advice on how to get through. (not that the advice here is not good - just another avenue).

I won't say any more as I don't know how you would take words from a FWW. I am praying for you and LIT. Please know that if you are both willing, it is possible to make it through this.

FWW(me)-32
BH-35
married 12 years
2 children
A lasted 6 month - hid it for another 6
DDay - 1/5/03