I have recently admitted to my husband that I had had an affair with another man. It took a very long time-5 weeks, for me to finally be truthful with him that I committed this horrible act. While I know what I did was morally, ethically and totally wrong, I know that I love him, and have asked him for another chance. Our marriage, for years, had been no marriage at all. We lived separate lives for a very long time. We both can admit to this. We have two children-5 and 8. I hate myself for what I have done, and will have to work very long and hard at forgiving myself. My husband was very angry, hurt, humiliated, devestated, etc. as he should be. I understand why he feels the way he does. I know that it will take time. We are seeing a counselor,and he claims he is willing to try to forgive me. However, he continues to ask me the same questions over and over again, I feel trying to get me to change my words and find something to badger me will. I don't blame him for questioning me, as I have violated any trust he has put in me. But, he continues to call the man I had the affair with, asking him to verify what I have already told him. He has sent an e-mail to the president of the company this man works for telling them everything that this man and I had done, and threatened to use freedom of Speech to contact any of their clients to let them know what type of person they are employing. I don't know what this will do for my husband, but make matters worse for all parties involved. I know he is acting out of anger right now, but the madness has got to stop. I have no legs to stand on at this point. He asks and I answer, but he will continue to verify through whomever he thinks will give him a different answer than I have. All I know is what I have told him. He's going to believe who he wants to believe, and who tells him what he actually thinks whether it's someone he trusts or not. In my mind, I think it's just a matter of days before we end our marriage, b/c he won't leave well enough alone. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I don't know how to handle this situation.

Soccer,

Please read my posts "no turning back" from July 9th and "update LIT" in recovery. My H just posted last night here - mjr2003. You can see our story from the moment I told him about my A.

I see things this way. I take 100% responsibility for the afffair - 50% responsibility for the condition of the marriage that drove me closer to the A. My H has spoken of divorce, staying, separation, etc. He has asked many many many questions, and a good amount of them over and over. But I OWE it to him to be honest and answer them no matter how many times he asks.

The thing is this - I have lied to him for about 6 months. There is absolutely NO reason why he should believe me or my answers. I will welcome any opportunity he may take to verify what I tell him. Although it may not seem like it now, it is a way for him to build that trust again. Think about it - he has no trust in you right now. For all he knows, you could be continuing to hold back. But each time he verifies, and realizes you are being truthful, it is one step closer to you building the trust back.

Unfortunately, I may not be much help on many things, as my roller coaster has just begun. But I am truly committed to giving my husband the truth, as best I can. He deserves it. I was the one who did the ultimate wrong.

Kudos to you for telling. I had to get a lot of encouragement from people here before I told. I was scared to death, but at least it's out right now. Our S's deserve a lot of credit for even sticking around to ask the questions. From what people tell me, that is at least a good sign.

Good luck, and keep us updated.

Hello!!

You have found a really good support group on this web site and most if not all of the repsonses you receive will be from past experiences from people just like yourself.

You have violated the deepest, most important person in your life. You do not know the range of emotions and feelings that your partner is feeling. It the feelings of anger, betrayel, revenge and distrust. Hatred comes to mind.

I had an affair that continues to haunt my wife and remains very fresh. Although it now has been over 4 months since I last saw the OW, my wife continues to struggle day by day with us. She too made contact with the OW. On two occassions she called her up and both times the OW showed no remorse and actually got a personal "high" from my wife calling.

It sounds to me that your husband is going through the normal emotions of being a betrayed spouse. In fact, while I am not too proud of stating this, the OW I had the affair with has had to make some "personal adjustments" with her life because of my my wife and I's revenge and wanting to even up the score.

This does not help you but you are going to need to know that part of the healing process is acknowleding to family, close friends and to most parties involved, an affair took place. This includes the other mans wife, friends and place of employement.

I want you to know something else. The worst is yet to come. Hold on!!! Be a patient listner!!

I continue to regret what I did to my wife and children....what kind of role model was I????

Hi Soccer7,

Welcome to MB. Weekends can be slow around here. Be patient. If you have not yet done so, read the Basic Concepts, Plan A/Plan B links.

I am a BS, your H asking the same questions over and over again is a normal reaction. Eventually, they will get less. Be patient, and answer them openly and honsetly. Your H is in alot of pain right now.

You have done the ultimate in betrayal to him, he will go through a whole range of emotions, denial, anger, some days he will be okay, and then something will be a trigger and he will be back where he was with the negative emotions.

The counselor you are seeing, is the an MC counselor, or a counselor that specialize in individual therapy? Is this counselor pro marriage? There are some that help you deal with splitting or coming to a decision about staying together and do not concentrate on repairing the marriage.

I am concerned with how your H is handling his emotions. It is normal to want verification from the OP, because he no longer trusts you, however, there needs to be NC. NC from both of you.

I don't think it is healthy for him to try to ruin this man. Besides, depending upon the company, they may have the attitude, "as long as it does not interfere with work, we don't care what he does in his off time".

How did you meet this xOM? Was it at work?
I suggest the two of you sit down and write a NC (no contact) letter to the OM, and your H mails it. I think there are examples of NC letters on the website. Or, before sending it, you could post it here, ask for opinions or suggestion from some veteran posters here before sending it. Once sent, NC means NC for both you and your H.

I found the book Surviving an Affair (SAA) to be of great help. I ordered it from this bookstore on this website. It took a couple of days to get it. I have heard that it is in some of the major bookstores, you could check in your area.

This book will help both you and your H.

I don't think your H is dealing with his anger in a healthy manner.

As the the WS, you told, want forgiveness, and want to move forward. It is not that simple for the BS. Their whole world has been shattered into tiny pieces.

Your H may find it helpful if he comes here to vent.

Cerri, has her thougths on both parties posting here. I don't recall what it is, you could e-mail her and ask her. I don't want to misquote her. I think she has some very practical suggestions when both parties post here.

She is a marriage coach, here is her e-mail address
info_lifeworkscoaching@yahoo.com

Best of luck to you and your H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">soccer7:

"In my mind, I think it's just a matter of days before we end our marriage, b/c he won't leave well enough alone. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I don't know how to handle this situation."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you hold on to this perspective of course it will be the end of your marriage. Recovery is a slow and painful process to go thru and your perspective is the key to your individual and marital recovery. If instead you decide to change your perspective to the following:

"What the two of us are going thru is very normal and it is part of our recovery. Our efforts WILL be succesful if we focus them on the here and now. What we do TODAY is all that matters"

Then you are setting yourselves up for success. Remember that what you beleive is what you will achieve.

Before I get started here I want to say that you have found a wonderful resource here on MB (Marriage Builders). This site is a support group for learning how to build/rebuild healthy marriages. Recovery from infidelity and affair proofing one’s marriage is one of the major topics. I highly suggest that you bring your husband here too as this site is a wonderful for both of you. Many couples post here. My husband and I did for months after his affair. It helped us save and rebuild our marriage.

Please read the Welcome to New Comers link in my signature block. It will give you lots of info about this site and MB.

The following is something that I posted to another person here. I’ve said it so many times that I’m trying to come up with a more generic post that will fit. So it will touch on topics that you have not mentioned. But they are important just the same.

Topic: Responsibly and blame for the affair and affair proofing your marriage.
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The question of responsibility for the affair has come up all the time here and is a very important topic, not to lay blame but to determine who has to do what to rebuild a healthy marriage. Both spouses share 50/50 in the state of the marriage before the affair occurred. The WS is 100% responsible for make the conscious decision to have an affair. The BS has absolutely no responsibility for the affair.

The argument that unmet EN’s are what leads to affairs wrong. Why? Because if a person has unmet EN’s there are many ways they can deal with it. They could see a counselor, be radically honest with their spouse and let them know what is needed, they can get a divorce and then seek a new partner. Affairs are not in the list of valid choices for meeting unmet EN’s. Another problem with the unmet EN theory is that no one can meet all of another’s person’s EN all of the time. It’s hard to fill even some of their spouses EN’s some of the time. So we are all walking around with unmet EN’s. It’s part of life. A mature adult learns healthy ways to deal with it.

Dr. Harley says that unmet EN’s do not cause affairs. Instead they are caused by a person not protecting their vulnerabilities. There are ways to build protections into a marriage that are tailored to each spouse’s vulnerabilities so that it’s almost impossible for an affair to happen.

As an example……One of the first to institute is the rule that neither spouse spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. When a conversation with a member of the opposite sex is turns to their personal problems it’s time to end the conversation and leave. This is how so many affairs start.

This is why the personal history questionnaire is so important. It is also why it’s so important to open up and discuss the affair. So that you and your husband can learn each other’s vulnerabilities and protect them.

One thing that gets lost at a time like this is that all the attention is focused on the WS’s affair. The likelihood of a BS having a secondary affair is very high, way over 50%. It’s not a revenge affair…. It’s a person trying to self medicate, to get rid of the pain, humiliation and self loathing that the BS goes through. There are many reasons
Topic: Talking about the affair and rebuilding trust.
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My counselor told me that one of the prices a person pays for having an affair is to have to answer the BS’s questions over and over until the BS has the answers they need. And to have to listen to the BS express their anger/hurt over and over until the BS’s anger/hurt is gone (or at least under control).

Radical honesty is one of the corner stones of the MB philosophy. A good indicator of whether or not a couple recovers from an affair is how much the WS opens up, shares information about the affair, answers the BS’s questions and listens to the BS express their anger. Yes, I know that BS’s can be a trying lot… asking endless questions over and over, seemingly obsessed with the affair. But the more you open up and the more you let your husband get his feeling out, the quicker this period will pass. One purpose of all the questions and talking is so that both you and your husband can determine why you had the affair and how to protect your marriage from it reoccurring. Another purpose is to rebuild intimacy. You, the WS knows every detail of what happened. This leaves you husband totally out in the cold. Nothing builds true intimacy more than sharing your secrets.

Be glad that your husband is investing the time and energy in finding out what happened, what makes you click and proving to himself over and over again if you are telling the truth. This will, over time rebuild his trust in you. What he is doing is normal … most BS’s do this. If he were not doing it, it would mean that either he did not care about you and/or that his was leaving you right now. You have no idea the amount of pain your husband is in. It would actually be much less painful for him to just walk away and not deal with this. Instead he is investing time and energy in you.

In my case I was obsessed with discussing and asking questions for about 3.5 months. At the end of that time I had no more questions and the answers I needed. I knew the details of the affairs, why they had happened, and what we could do to affair proof our marriage in the future. After that I’ve asked maybe one question a month.

When I found out about my H’s affairs I was ready to leave. He was the one who kept us together. He made no excuses for his affairs. He told me that he was the one who did the harm so it was his responsibility to help me and our marriage heal. He did that. I respect and love him today for taking this stance.

If you do not open up to your husband and answer his questions willingly and truthfully, you are putting the last nails in the coffin of your marriage. If you take the stance that he needs to just get over it then you appear to be hiding, lying and having no remorse for your actions. The truth is never as bad as the images the BS can imagine. You are better to tell him the truth then to let his imagination run wild. When you avoid or lie to protect your husband, you are not protecting him instead it only proves that you are continuing to sneak around and lie.

Topic: The BS telling people of the affair.
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The MB philosophy is that an affair needs to be exposed to family, friends, employers, etc. Affairs are based on lies and secrets. To end them the lies and secrets must be put out into the open. Otherwise it is too easy to continue the affair, even for those like yourself who believes that they do not have that intention. It’s too easy for the OM to continue to pursue you and for you to give in during moments of weakness.

Your husband has every right to tell people about your affair. It is not his responsibility to keep your secrets. It is also a natural consequence of your and the OM’s acions. He is right in telling the OM’s employer. Since I do not know the situation, telling the OM’s clients may not matter, as they may not care one bit. Telling his clients is perhaps a bit much. If on the other hand if your firms have any dealing with the OM, it is reasonable to tell your employer of the affair.

If the OM is married, then you or your husband really needs to tell his wife too. She has the right to know that her husband has been unfaithful. She has the right to decide if she wants to be married to this man. She has the right to a marriage in which her husband is honest to her.

Topic: Establishing no contact with OM.
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At this point in time I can understand why your husband is asking the OM questions. I did that with my H’s OW’en too. It was the only way that I was able to get information in the beginning. He kept lying and covering up. I was able to get concrete proof that he was. It was not until he realized that his lies were not helping/protecting and that I was pretty good at find things out that he finally really opened up. The problem with your H asking OM questions is that some OP (other people) tell lies. They never had the marriage’s best interests in mind, nor to they after the affair is exposed.

Your husband will stop the contact once he is satisfied that you are no longer lying.

It is important that you end all contact with OM. If that means quitting your job then so be it. There is an example no contact letter in the “Surviving and Affair” book. The idea is that you write, show it to your husband and the two of you mail it together. Once the letter is mail, as long as you stick by it, neither of you are ever to have any contact with the OM…. EVER.

Topic: The BS and trust.
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Now about the BS’s responsibility I re building trust. While he is very worried about whether or not he can ever trust you again, there is the other trust. Will you be able to trust him after what has happened? He has to realize that while it is important for you to open up to him, it is important for him to treat this info with great respect. You do not have to do this. You could walk. Many WS’s never give their BS the satisfaction of sharing with them. These marriages usually do not last long.. but in the interim they are torturous to both parties. I realized that I had to prove to my H that I would not use the info he shared with me in any way to hurt him. That means no love busters (no yelling, screaming, disrespectful judgments, etc). This is one of his responsibilities. He will loose you if he mistreats you while you are being open and honest. You will pull back and then all is lost.

Hope this helps.

soccer7

Asking the same questions over and over again is a technique of trying to learn the truth. If the answers are substantially the same, one can start to beleive that they have reached some sense of what actually happened. I do/did this same thing to my wife, and have come to a place in my own mind where I beleive that I understand what happened. I also am having to accept that some questions I have can never be answered to my satisfaction because of the time that has gone by since her affair happened. Pretty much s*cks, but I think I can live with this, eventually.

Calling the OM for his take on things is something that I thought about, but I personally dreaded making a call like that. I felt, and still feel, that anything he could offer me would be highly suspect at the very least. I personally hope to never see him, and although I think I'm past the stage where I'd like th bury him in a hole (that he dug) out in the hills somewhere, I still wouldn't want to be in the same town. Luckily, we're not, and also luckily, I don't remember what he looks like.

I feel for your husband, but at some point he is going to need to concentrate on your marriage and not on the OM. I can fully understand his desire for revenge (wreaking the guy's professional life, etc.), but still, its not healthy(IMVHO). Hoepfully, he can move past this soon...

For me, four years after the affair happened and having just found out, I wanted to make sure that the OM's wife knew what had gone on. I figured if she already knew, then it wouldn't be any great surprise, but if she didn't already know, she certainly needed to know what kind of man her husband really was. I found her, in another state, and told her. I don't know what she did with the info, but at least she knows. That pretty much ended, for me, any desire to rake the OM over the coals, and I need to stress that raking him over the coals IS NOT why I told her. If nothing else, at least they can move forward in their lives knowing the truth, whatever they decide...

I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I've got to get ready for work...

Good luck to you, soccer7, and good thoughts are with you...

Jake.

Dear soccer7,

I understand. I am in the same position. I had an A which ended about a year ago, but only recently disclosed to my H. I previously operated under the philosophy that to tell him about something he did not ask about was releving my burden of guilt and sadness at his expense. I recently spoke to my minister and MC about all this...mainly because all of a sudden a few weeks ago my H started to ask me. He stopped, but I was told that my responsiblity was to take the responbility...so I did. I told him. I also told him I wanted to work things out.

I am a different person from the one who had the A and I am so sad that I could cause my H so much pain. I realize that I made a bad choice and have been wrestling with the "bad person" syndrome.

In any event, I feel for you and am glad to read that there are other WW who feel as badly as I do about their A.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what to say about alot of it. Like lost in tx, I have just begun this journey...it is very scary. nd maybe the 3 of us can support each other and pray for each other.

When my wife told me she was having an affair I called a shrink, made an appointment, went to a doctor and got a prescription for an anti-depressant. My first experience with this stuff (celexa). Well I started feel fine. In fact I started to feel goofy fine after about a week. I felt so fine I went to her office where she worked and started screaming out "My wife is having an affair with Xyz!" so that her whole office would know about it. But I felt fine.

Your husband is trying to regain control. His life has suddenly spun out of control and he doesn't know how to fix it. He's going about it the wrong way. He should spend time on this web site and read a pragmatic book like Divorce Busters.

best, George N

Soccer7,
I know what you are going through and it s**ks. My dilemna is I am out of the house and have found near impossible to work on repairing the M. She had an EA and is suspect that it became a PA. She has denied the PA but her actions are suspect.
As the other posters have said, it akes time. Being a man and by my own personality, I am very impatient. My W sends me on a roller coaster every time we talk. Last weekend she apoligized for how she treated me in the M and she now knows better...for her next relationship. This tears at me horribly. I am tryingto save the M and she flip flops constantly.
Read the book "Surving An Affair" SAA. Paln A is what I am doing now. Fulfilling her EN's where I can and hoping that I will be back in the house soon. We have two small children and it eats the eldest one, D-7, up. Our youngest, S-3, doesn't get it yet. Your H is going to to be pushing your buttons like never before. You will need to toughen up, and that button won't be pushed so much. My buttons were my family, my kinkiness in sex, my immaturity (back then) and I have learned to let her vent. Now she uses her belief that I am a SA and warns our children to let her know if Daddy touches them in any strange way. This driove right through my heart. So much so that I have had thoughtts aobut suicide. See sometimes even the WS needs to have medical help for wht they are going through. I'm seeing a Dr. next week for some anit-D's.

Keep us posted about yourprogress.

lost in tx/RANDYRAIL/Alex6/and everyone else,
I appreciate hearing your stories and knowing I am not alone. PLease let me know where your stories are posted so I can gain more insight in this crazy, emotional time. My posting link is below in my signature.

Zorweb,
As always, great info from you. This has given me more to think about and use.
Thanks.

TTSMM

What your H is doing, he is doing out of pain and anger. I know it's not nice, but neither was your affair. I am glad you did tell him. You have to understand that he feels he can't trust you and you will have to EARN that back. He may decide he can't forgive you, I hope that is not the case.

1. Stay in counseling, it's almost impossible to recover without it
2. REad shatteredvows at findarticles.com-it does a great job of explaining why your H needs to know and will keep asking the same questions
3. Read Torn Asunder, with your H. It is an excellent book on affairs. My counselor liked it so much she started using it in her practice
4. Be completely honest with him. Trying to gloss things over will NOT help his hurt
5. Maintain absolutely NO contact with this OW, period.
6. Journal your feelings, it can really help
7. Give your H time. How long was the affair? It will take at least that long for your H to 'recover.' It's taken me much longer.
8. Don't give up

Good luck, keep posting

Soccer7/everyone,
I am sorry. From reading my earlier post it might have come across that I am the BS. Unless you read my signature, where I state that I am the WS. My W had an EA (PA?) to fulfil her EN's that I was able to meet (no more trust in me).

My prayers go out to you Soccer7, as it does to all the BS and WS (men and women) at this site.
God Bless.
TTSMM

One thing you have to realize is that it takes an unhealthy married woman to have an affair and it takes an unhealthy man to reciprocate (and visa versa). Having an affair requires that you forget about integrity, ie, morals, and honesty (all qualities reflecting mental health). Maybe try helping your husband to understand this; and help him also to understand that in order for you to become healthier, you must put the past behind you and move forward. Dwelling on the sick past makes a sick present. Answer his questions once and for all and move on. I personally think it is easier to move on when you focus on bible-based principles of marriage(try the book, "Love Life for Every Married Couple" found at all christian book stores). He is going to need a lot of support, love, understanding and patience on your part.