My wife of ten years cheated on me for the last 5 months. I found out Friday evening after my suspecions were raised that morning. She met him online and met him 6 times in person with one overnight stay (the last time). I trusted her and I'm in much pain. My emotions were and are a jumble, I'm still am angry but Saturday we contacted the pastor that married us. She was remourseful, but I know it was only over when I found out, and I know that its really not over yet. I've been reading materials from this sight and it has helped me. We have talked for the last few days and I know she regrets not being able to say goodbye. This man that used her was truly a shark, but my lack of Affection set up the fall. I told her this morning that she could write this letter because of what I read on this sight. But, I still worry that I'm doing the right thing. I printed what the material said and that I get the final read and approval, I don't know if she will wright it or not. Will the anger subside. I have determined not to hit her over the head sort of speak, although the counselor we will be seeing tomorrow will hear a lot of it when I see him privately after my wife does. I've got a lot on my mind thank you for letting me vent a small part of what I really want to say.

Sorry to hear of your wife's affair. You have found a great place for support and how to recover your marriage. You can recover from this and have a better marriage than ever! You have taken the right steps in seeking counseling and support here! Keep posting and reading! Especially read about Plan A.

Silverthorn,
I am sorry that you are having to deal with one of the most painful experiences one could ever have. It sounds like you're right on target, however, in getting to this site and reading all you can!! You asked if the anger would ever subside. It will get better, little by little. It will have a certain ebb and flow, depending on the trigger and whether or not you saw it coming. It's one of the feelings we go through when grieving a loss. And infidelity is definitely a BIG loss. It sounds like a good plan to "vent" during your individual counseling time. I have also journaled when angry, done something physical (exercise), and allowed myself to fantasize what I might like to do or say to any and all parties involved in the affair. It's not that I ever intend to act on it, but it somehow makes me feel more powerful when I know what I could do but choose not to do!(Maybe that's just my warped coping skill!!) I wish you the best. Keep on posting. You deserve support right now!

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: lilymarie ]</small>

We start counciling tomorrow at first with a pastor we know and later with a marraige counciler both he and we know, the MC sometimes does the sermon at our church. We had somewhat good day, we talked, she is still a little reluctant but we have time. She "knows" that the man didn't love her, but she still has that link, he got her through her heart. She was telling me today about a conversation about grilling they had. He said he would like to teach her. Of course knowing full well he never would. He let her hear exactly what she wanted to hear. I hope she will see that someday for herself. But its to recent. I can see where a book like His Needs, Her Needs in the wrong hands could be a big weapon in destroying marraiges. We are reading it together among other things we were told to do. Its like waves the anger, sadness, fear, worry. Everything. She says right now she really doesn't know who I am, but I really don't understand who she is either. We both blinded ourselves to what was happening to our marraige. Right now I love her, I can hold her hand, hug her, but thats it. I now see the withdrawal of her affection (which was a starvation diet on both are parts) other those 5 months where she wouldn't even snuggle with me. I was blind, I trusted her, and I don't know when I will ever again. I've even locked her out of the computer. Well thanks for the replys.

Silverthorn - I am sorry about the situation that led you (and my H and I) here, but I can tell you that what you will learn here will change your life from this point on. I am the WS (just to get that out of the way), so sometimes I feel my giving advice is a little too presumptive.

But even though my H and I are only a week into our "recovery" (or just found out???), we both realize how things can change, and that they could very potentially change for the better as long as both people are willing to put in the effort.

Kudos to both of you for starting at such an advanced point. Both of you are open to counseling, reading, etc. I bet you will have a great recovery, and wish you all the best. As everyone says to me....listen to some people, don't listen to others, but choose what is right for you. There are many who have guided my H (mjr2003) and I so far, and continue to be our North Stars....

Good luck to you and your wife.

We just went to our first counciling session today. We both met our pastor alone for an hour. My W went first for almost an hour and a half. It has helped a lot. Tomorrow we go and talk to him together, and after that meeting go to the counciler he has recommended. She is very remourseful. Many things we each see bring the wave crashing again. But, now with all we have done we will keep working. Thanks for replying. I'm still sad at the entire situation but I've finally leting the anger go. It only serves to move us further apart. I don't know what to say about the OM, except he was an expert, a major manipulator whom I am sure is on to his next victem.

I did confront him just after I found out. I first called his home. His W answered, and in my anger I told her what was happening. I don't know if she believed me or what. He got the phone quickly. (Cell Phone) Took an hour and a half drive, took my wife with me (had the directions to his house from internet messages I found) took he to the door. He never came out of the house or talked with my W, I'm sure he was to worried about his own self. I was in full anger then. I do feel some remourse for his W, I know I will never feel any for him.

I do wonder how long she will care for the OM and all, She knows the type of man he is. I guess only time will tell.

Hello Silverthorn,

It sounds like in just a very short time you already have things under some control good for you.You may also want to get some books suggested here they are great for helping you understand and answering questions about your feelings.They will also help you and your W learn how to meet each others needs so that you can have a great M and 100% recovery from her A.

I will add that my H also met the W he had his A with on the internet.I also wonder even though it has been 7 mo.since d-day if he still cares just a little.He says no that it was a huge mistake I don't know.I wonder if she still thinks and cares for him after all she said she loved him wanted him to leave me and start a new life with her.Those are questions we may never know the answer to it is all part of this horrible mess an A.

This is the hardest thing you will probably ever go through but it sounds like your W is a very lucky lady to have a H that cares enough for her to do what ever it takes to make your M work.
Keep posting others will give great advice.Know that you are not alone,your emotions will change from day to day that is normal.

Good luck to you both.

We have just had an interesting day. Well it actually started last night. She woke up and it almost like something broke in her. I held her through it. On our way to talk to our pastor she was in a depressed mood. At the start she broke down again and mouthed to P that she didn't know if she loved me. I was told and it was a heart breaker. The P made sure to set both me and my W correct. Her reaction was really say she did. He set up a meeting with a MC later today. It was a good session. Right now she doesn't know what she feels. She feels pain over what she did, over the hurt she caused me and a major part over the pain of not being about to talk to the OM. She had all her support from him and hasn't had contact with him since. I have been foolish and she pointed it out that I bring him up in some questions. I have resolved that it won't happen again. All I'm doing is keeping that link from disolving. It will desolve faster if I break this bad habbit now. I have a lot to learn about Affection.

Our pastor did remind us is that Love is not truly a feeling, thats what the majority of the world thinks. It is actually a consious act of will. I've told her from the beginning that I Love her. Our marraige has reall been in trouble almost sence the beginning. Neither of us knew how to really show any Affection, neither of our families show it so we just continued that terrible practice. As the years went by Her needs weren't being met so My needs weren't being met into a spiraling path down to where we are today. I've determined to change. So has my W but we are both coming at it from different directions. I learn daily of mistakes that I do and move to correct it. If anyone has any advice on Affections please send it my way.

Here is a variation of the Possum Lodge mans prayer.

I am a Man
I will Change
Because I have to
I know.

We've had a couple of good days and some more not so good.

My W tells me that to to love it must feel real. But the person she had the A with she knows he didn't love her. (The guy is an Internet Predator) He's been married for quite a while and has had affairs on his wife since the 2nd year.

It just boggles the mind. She knew that he was just using her. And, that the A would only go on until Fall. I just don't understand.

I love her and its real but she doesn't feel it, but he doen'st love her but it feels real.

Can anybody explain this??????

Well, we are still on the beginning steps to recovery.

The best explanation for this is found in the book "Surviving an Affair". Get it and read it together, and discuss it as you go. Then get "Torn Asunder", and do the same. The "loving you but not feeling in love" is classic in marriage, unfortuneately, and frequently leads to affairs. SAA explains the hows and whys of that better than anything else I have seen. If you are reading "His Needs, Her Needs", you should have a pretty good understanding of this already.

Yep, we are reading His Needs,Her Needs almost finished with it. I just order Surviving an Affair last night. The problem leading up to the affair went on for years, neither one of us knowing how to communicate the problem or show affection. We drifted apart. Well I hope and pray for a harvest of Love Units. Just takes time.

I guess our marraige has been in trouble for 3+ years, neither one of us knew how to desplay affection or receive affection from the other.

She had given up.

I had set her up for a fall. I trusted her totally (she was the only one that I did trust completely). I don't know when I'll trust like that again, I hope I can but not today.

She had only wanted to talk to someone, and started talking to the OM aka Shark. He was and is a pro. He finds married women that are lonely and then uses them. She knew the type of man he was but he already had his hooks set.

Its only been 2 weeks + 1 day since D-Day.

She told me today she would never have another affair and that she would never contact him again because of the pain it would cause her, She had said the same thing to the pastor. I beleive her. (We are both Christian) We will talk sometime about all of this, but for now we need to work on the marraige.

If it takes the rest of my live I will be the H that she needs me to be. I will give her the true feeling of being a woman, rather than the false feelings she got from the Shark. I am changing.

She still doesn't know if she loves me, but I know she does. She doesn't want to cause me any more pain. She cares about my feeling. Its still a confusing time for both of us.

I have ordered Surviving an Affair so that we can both read it and understand what the other one is going through. It should help. I'll get other books suggested when I can.

I have time to wait for the day she says she loves me.

Like I tell her, we have time.

I love her and wait for the day when she will return it.

Love never fails

Silverthrn, I hope you can hang in there and your wife can maintain NC. That is the key. You two seem like you were in the same place as my H and I. I am the BS. I have hung on to my recovery for 2.5 years and we might just be getting there. The length of time it took for recovery was the direct result of contact by my H with his OW during the entire time, he told me he was not in contact but I discovered differently. As you , I could not understand the need he had for the OW who was moving out of state and also married when I was trying so hard to meet his needs and address my own after DDay. We had so much togehter as far as a life and could have so much in our marriage if we both tried, why couldn't he see that?? The WSs do things you would never believe they are capable of. Do not let anyting shock you and if you want her as your wife for the duration hang in there.

It seems now that my H has come round. We've had some very special times recently because he seems to finally have woken up. Your recovery should be much quicker if your W can maintian no contact with OM. My H says he loves me now more than he ever has. My problem presently is trust, I have none because of the last 2.5 years.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for the reply.

I think so far she has had NC. The guy was and is a pro, I'm sure he has moved on to other lonely women.

I to have trouble with trust and belief. We have just gotten back from her parents. It was good to get away. I'm posting in In Recovery now, my wife is also posting or started to her name is Poe.

Thanks again.