I will not tell Story again it is posted earler. But I have desided to tell his wife this week. The A went on One Year sex 5 times. His son and mine are best friends and are 14 years old. I am not sure how his W will take this. I found out about it 2 months ago. As for as I can tell it is over and he is not trying to call her. My wife and I are trying hard to work it out, and she says it is over and should have never happened. I am still hurting from this big time. But I am wandering from you guys what might I expect to happen after his wife is told. Should I warn my W before are after?
Head Spinning!

Geaux,

This isn't a very easy thing to decide. If you tell OM's W and she throws him out, then he has no reason not to come after your W. If you don't tell she lives a lie.

I would recommend that since you and your W are trying to make a go of this, that you tell her your feelings and ask her opinion. Then if she is against it, ask her what she would want to know if she were in OM's W shoes. Discuss the possibility of letting the OM know you are going to tell his W, but would rather he did it. This latter move ups the chances that his marriage will survive.

I will say this. You are new to this situation. You wanting to get revenge is very normal. You feeling completely lost is very normal. I would recommend that you and your W read the articles here BEFORE you decide what to do. Why?

Well, you may feel differently later,if you don't then the message is still the same. But, I think if you do this out of revenge, you will regret it in the long run. I am NOT saying don't tell, but do it when you are calm, resolved in how your life is going, and your W agrees with this move.

You may not really appreciate this but she IS your W and she should get some input into this move. Just as the two of you should even agree if you decided to divorce. Please read Harleys articles on "radical honesty" and the policy of joint agreement, POJA.

Stop, give this a few weeks, discuss it with your W, and realize that you will get revenge on OM, but you will hurt his W and children. So this should be done with the idea that revenge is NOT part of it, because his W and children don't deserve revenge, they do deserve the truth. Delivered in a kind, quiet, calm fashion. Somehow I don't think you are there yet.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

You may want to give her a copy of "Surviving an Affair" when you tell her.

I agree that you should ask your W what she thinks about telling. If you are telling the OM's W out of revenge than that's the wrong way to go.

It may make your matters worse and you have to be prepared to take that.

Well thank you for responding to my question. I talked in links to her about this for weeks now and told her yesterday that I had made my mind up to tell her. But I told her that I wanted her to be a part of this and I wanted her input. She asked if I would atleast wait to talk to our councler on our first vist next week. I agreed that I would but told her that I was affraid that if the councler says not to tell her that I was going to anyways. She said if I do atleast give the OM the chance to do it first. I agreed to do that. She is affraid of the backlash that is going to come from this if his wife puts him out. And tells everyone she knows what happened. I personaly do not think she will do that and will try to save her marriage. BIG GAMBLE almost kinda like having a affair. hehe sorry I could not resist that. Revenge yes I want that but I keep asking myself would I want to know if I was in her shoes and the answer is yes. I feel if I do this I will start to heal a lot as strange as that may sound. I do not really feel threatened by the OM and that could be a mistake. I am very upset that my W has put us in this type deal but that I guess is water under the bridge. I have always been the type if you do something wrong then step up to the plate and take what you got coming. Does that apply here?

Geaux,

I too had the same problem as you as to whether or not to tell. I believe that the truth is MUCH better. I also agree that the OM should be given the chance to tell himself that is always a better way for both of them. You may not like to hear that it would probably be better for the OM in the long run if the truth is out, but it will be.

As for revenage, well get a punching bag or something and take it there. Your are about to make the OM's W suffer tremendously. No, you are not going to make her suffer the A is. You have nothing to feel guilty about in all of this. What I am trying to say is when you do, make sure that you do it in a compasionate way. It will be very difficult for you to be compasionate for her feelings if there is too much taste for revenage in your mouth. You will probably say things in anger that you may regret later. Maybe do it in a letter.

You should also be prepared for her not believing you, so if you have evidence to back up your statements even better.

It is good that you talk to your W about this. You now want honesty from her, so you should also walk the walk.

As for me, I have not told yet and am still a little up in air about it. Not about whether or not she should know, but there is a complication. She has a 1 month old baby, and that is the only reason I am still holding back.

Good luck,
Bill