Hello everyone,

I am new here, and I have some suspicions regarding my H and his behavior. First of all my H and I have been together for 4 years, and married for the past 1 ½. Last Saturday night he went out with his friends (which I have no problem with) and when I was checking his pockets the next morning I found a female’s telephone number. When I asked him about it he said that it wasn’t his and that he didn’t know where it came from or who the female was. He said for me to call the number and ask the girl since I had already had the number. He didn’t offer me any other explanation other than that. I called the number and it is disconnected, so I can’t get any information from her nor him regarding the number. I feel totally disrespected because I can’t understand why he would think that it is ok for him to bring another woman’s telephone number into our home, and then act nonchalant when I question him about it.

Now this past Friday, I receive a call at my job (I work nights) at about 9:00 pm and it is him telling me that he is going out again tonight with friends, and that he will be back at his normal time (which is 2:00 am). Well I get off at 12:00 am and I go home and 2:00 am rolls around, and no sign of him…so it’s 2:00 am the NEXT day and he is still not home, he hasn’t called, I haven’t heard any notice of where he is. You cannot understand what I was going through, I was scared, mad, frustrated, you name it all rolled into one. Well he finally comes in at 3:00 am that morning after he had been gone for over 24 hours, and tells me that he went out to this picnic that they give for our city every year out at a Lake. Basically in my opinion (because I have been to two when I was younger…and single mind you) it is a place where young people go, and ALL the girls have on bathing suits, there are over 500 people there, and it is a VERY social atmosphere. Some people drive down there the day of the actual picnic which is Saturday, but some people drive down there the night before and camp out. The people who camp out have RV’s and you know what they use those for (use your imagination)…pretty much it is a place for SINGLE people. I can’t believe how he could do this to me, he lied right to my face and he knew what he was doing. He knew that if I had known that he was thinking about going there I would have been totally against it, but he did it anyway. I mean are these the actions of a faithful married man? I just have no idea what to do, and he is acting as if he has done nothing wrong, like I should just deal with it and get over it, but I can’t. All I do is sit and think about everything that he could have been doing, and that I know he did. I just have this feeling, but he keeps saying all he did was ride the Jet Ski’s all day.

I am so hurt right, I don’t understand how somebody who say’s that they “love” you could do this. I mean how am I supposed to react? I tell him it’s over and he acts as if I am joking. Could somebody PLEASE tell me what they think about this situation? I would really appreciate all opinions and advice, thanks!

-not_so_good

Hello notsogood,

Welcome to MB.
I am probably not the one to give you advice but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you are dealing with.

Do you have any proof that he is having an A?
Do you know who he went to the picnic with?Could you maybe ask around people that know both of you and see if they saw him with anyone.
I will tell you this if you feel he could be cheating then go with your gut feeling and start snooping.I did not snoop even though in my heart I knew something was up.I wish I would have maybe I would have been able to catch him before he had sex with her.
All I can say is you are not alone.Your feelings are real,the pain is real,it is hard to understand how the person you love more than anything could ever hurt you.The trueth is they can hurt you.
Like I said before snoop,snoop,snoop and start asking people if they have seen anything.

Good luck to you I will check in on you later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gingersnap,

Thank you so much for your response. To answer your questions...No I do not have any proof (aside from the phone number), and I yes there are some people that I could ask if they saw him and what he was doing. But those are the same people that I said to them, "My H would never be caught up there" when they asked if he was going, only because I had no idea that he would be there. Now I feel like such an idiot because how can I not know the whereabouts of my own H (you know what I mean)? But I will take your advice and start snooping, even though I have no idea where to start, I mean we have (had) a pretty tight relationship so anything that he is hiding would have to be kept outside of our house so how would I be able to snoop. I am thinking about putting one of those tape recorder devices on the phone so that when I am away I can hear all of the telephone conversations, but as for anything that he is doing out of the home I would never have a way of finding out. LOUD SIGH I just don't know what to do! I am at work right now and I just feel like crying, I cannot hold myself together I hurt so bad! I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do in this type of situation. Do I leave, does he leave, do we try to work through it? Should I even work through it being that he is acting that it isn't even a big deal? I don't know, I guess I'll just wait it out! Thank you Gingersnap for your advice, and if you or anybody else has some helpful advice it would be GREATLY appreciated!

not_so_good

I know that this is so hard.
Have you sat down and talked to your husband?
Have you let him know just how you feel?Don't worry if he will think you are acting wierd or anything tell him how much you love him and you really need to know why he did not tell you where he was going,how this has hurt you and made it hard for you to trust him.It is not healthy not to trust.I do not trust my H at all right now he knows it he tries to deal with it,it is very hard.

I would not worry to much about what these people think remember a true friend will never judge.If they are going to judge you because your H decided to be dishonest about his whereabouts that is thier problem not yours and you will see thier true colors.

Ask even if you have to humble yourself to do so.I remember when I suspected something was going on with my H I said to a few people I think my H has an internet girlfriend they all laughed and said"not your H he is not the type" guess what they were wrong.

Hello Gingersnap,

Thank you so much for your input. What you said is absolutely true! If they have to judge me on account of my H’s actions then that is their problem! (I have to keep reciting that to myself) I guess I will muster up the strength to say something to my friend tomorrow whom I spent that day with, even though when she asked me of his whereabouts that day I said he was with friends. I lied to cover up for him, just so that he wouldn’t look like a bad person. But he doesn’t even respect me enough to answer all of my questions or to give me the details of his trip. He acts like nothing that he has done is wrong. I have tried sitting down and talking to him, but after I ask him a few questions, he turns it into an argument and blames me for starting it by saying that all I want to do is argue and not talk. What else can I do, I feel so lost like everything I do is wrong, this is so not fair. I have never been anything but truthful and faithful to him, and I would never do anything to betray his trust, so why is he doing this to me…I don’t understand, I feel like throwing up? Well thanks again for your advice, I will talk to my friend tomorrow, and also TRY to talk to him again tonight (even though it will do no good) I’ll let you know how it goes.

not_so_good and getting worse

bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi NSG, well, it doesn't necessarily say A all over it, but it definitely says dishonesty and disrepect...I guess in my skeptical mind, I would automatically say there was some cheating going on, but on the other hand, some people just do some really dumb and thoughtless things.

The only thing that i cannot understand is why he thinks its ok to be away for over 24 hours without the decency of a phone call....Whether or not he "just" decided to go to the picnic or not, you pick up the phone and say "hey..this is what i want to do//"..Men seem to have this feeling of "checking in" is equal to be checked up on,but you have a right to know if he is coming home this day or not....I am not sure what you should do, you could ask him until you are blue in the face (believe me I did it), but until he is ready to spill or you get something concrete you may never know...His passive attitude is a little questionable, (but then again my H was adamant nothing happened)..Who knows...

Take care, hang in there....

Hello Zacharysmom, and thanks for your input. I know that his actions do not necessarily mean that he is having an A, but if he is willing to be dishonest and disrespectful to me then I wouldn't put it past him. Which is why I feel I can't trust him. I can't stop thinking about all the things he could have been doing, to the point where I don't even want him touching me. Sometimes I have to push him off of me because I feel so disgusted by all of the thoughts I have. He honestly cannot understand how something that happened on Saturday could still be affecting me on Tuesday. Like I can make my feelings turn on and off. I'll try to ask him questions and he'll answer a couple, with some short answers and if I get upset he'll make me out to be the bad guy. So in return I won't talk to him, and by me not doing so he once again makes me out to the bad guy. Like I am not trying to be around him or spend time with him. Am I supposed to just suck it up and put on a happy face even if it is a lie? I have no idea! I just can't win for losing. Well thanks again for your input!
not_so_good

Hi NSG,
I agree with zachsmom,sometimes people and young H especially make really dumb choices.He may think it was no big deal,he also needs to relize he is a married man now and with that comes different responsibilty's.Like letting your W know what you plan to do.

You sound a lot like me no matter what you do it is wrong,that could be a man thing my H is alot the same way.

And no you can not turn on and off your feelings,you feel what you do for a reason.Do not belittle what you feel.I think you might want to order the book His needs Her needs and read it.It could help you alot and you are still newly married there is alot to learn about being a married couple.Honesty is at the top of the list.I have been married for a really long time and I am still learning so is my H.

Were you able to talk to your friend today?