Hi everyone!
I'm new here and new to this entire struggle I see all of you share with me. For what it's worth, I feel a lot of your pain more then you know!
Last month I found out for certain my husband, 49 has been having an affair. I am 41 and we have one minor child. We have been together for 17 years, married almost 12.
He began seeing this woman who lives on our block approximately 4 years ago under the pretense that my child and her child enjoyed playing together. I should have known something was amiss when she shunned my friendship and began increasingly being available only when I worked, showing up at my house, etc., when I was not at home. (My husband and I had set up opposite work hours early on to avoid the daycare issue, always having one parent with our child available at all times). Soon enough however, she was showing up regardless whether I was home or not, with her child, and being a complete snob to me to say the least.
While I admit I was in total denial of my husband ever thinking of having sex with another woman, I did finally put my foot down about a year ago, demanding she not come to our home anymore due to her blatant attitude against me and my intuition in general. Besides that, she had just divorced her own husband and I suspected then that even more was amiss. When the visits to my home ceased, I thought she was pretty much out of the picture, until I caught a cell phone bill last month with 54 calls to her JUST from my husband alone to her cell phone (which he denied even knowing) and to her home phone number.
At that point, I called the cell phone and when she answered, I forcefully demanded an answer as to why her phone number is on my cell phone bill 54 times this month. She smugly answered that I need to take that up with my husband and slammed the phone down. To that, I fired back another call and left a message on the coward's answering machine threatening harassment charges if she goes near my husband, child or home ever again.
I then confronted my husband, explaining I already spoke with her and he had better spit out the truth, because I already know it and at this point, unless it is the truth, he would be looking at a divorce.
(Here is more of the background I also threw at him before he could open his mouth: That I had already run a TRW on him via the internet and found an American Express and Visa card in his name only that I knew nothing about. Charges reflected all the restaurants they would go to 3 or 4 times per week. I also found a savings account and checking account in his name alone, leading to more proof of a double life. After reviewing the tax returns, I found CD's and money he was also transferring to only his name from our joint account, POD (payable on death) to our child, not me and a separate savings account in his sole name as well. Finding this, I immediately withdrew the joint CD containing half of our life savings into my own account prior to confronting him, for fear he would leave me and our child with nothing after the confrontation. It was all I had access to as he left our joint checking and savings with not even enough to get through one month's bills. So here I am holding half in my name and feeling a little better financially about confronting the imbecile.)
Well, after the absolute coniption and fist through the wall when he found out I took the joint CD out of his name, he admitted (albeit slowly, in bits and pieces that took weeks already) to a sexual affair that he claims was going on for the last year and a half of their four year "friendship".
Of course he tried to fault me in the beginning of his "confession", but this site helped me deal with the blame-game (thank you!) beforehand. I caught him in many lies and omissions already, so I'm not even sure what I'm hearing is all of it, but I'm pretty sure it's certainly not.
Here's the thing:
He says it's over and that he told her over the phone it has to end and advised her to "move on". He claims that her response to that was, "FINE! Well, if that's how you want it, there's nothing I can do about it. I love you and just promise me you'll take care of yourself." To that, he admits he ended the conversation with, "Love you to, but it has to end."
Needless to say, I was NOT happy with the "closure" conversation he alleges, and he of course, adamantly denies "loving" her, he claims he just "said that" because she did. Yeah sure.
He said the affair was about sex, even though he was getting that all along at home and yes, I've done my part in keeping myself appealing, so I have no clue how to interpret this "it was about sex" excuse.
To me, this is about a man who was bored with a wife who tries to be a good mother, works, cooks, cleans everything in sight and gets tired because of it all and doesn't have the time or energy to live the fantasy life of interlude sex and care-free lunches all week. To me, this is about a man who COULD have had that with me, if he had only pitched in enough around the house to make time for us both. Instead, he chose to ignore those responsibilities and head up to the pig-sty this woman lives in (no lie either). She lives in the messiest house I've ever had the horror to step inside and only seems to find time to pamper and primp herself, evident from the tight short shorts, make up and hair fashion show she parades around the block with. To me, this is a woman with three children, a work at home job, looking for a sugar-daddy to replace the husband she recently divorced. Btw, they are 14 years apart in age!
So anyway, despite all this, the reconciliation is going on now for a month and he's been on his best behavior. I asked him if there's anything else he has left out and I was told there is nothing, he has admitted to it all.
I am still snooping and more alert then ever, however, and in doing so, find that he has also been communicating with a female on classmates.com. In that email, I find her asking if she can call him to "say hello" and that she "might also have some work" she needs him to do for her in his business. (Isn't this exactly the way these things always start?) He responds back to her with his work phone number only and suggests that if he is not in the office to speak with his partner who has access where he can be reached (yeah, because I now track the cell phone calls!).
He never remembered to mention anything about the "classmate" and certainly nothing about expecting a call from her, in fact, asking her to call him at work. This was four days ago!
I just feel I can't trust him either way. The admitted long-term affair was hard enough. I fell apart so hard, for the first time in my life I needed something from the doctor, where I fell apart to the floor crying from lack of sleep and shock, not to mention the poor priest and therapist who saw me as well. I'm usually a very together person, but I'm falling apart and I know it.
My husband is a very good charmer. He's ALWAYS had a way with the women and it just seems to me, from even this latest classmate development, he doesn't have the slightest remorse to stop the womanizing despite his objections that he has done nothing wrong with the "classmate".
I feel like chief cook, maid, mother to our child and financial supporter in a larger scheme of HIS life and frankly, I'm sick of his lies despite my every attempt to make things work. Emotionally, he has never really been there for me anyway. It's always been about him and his own concerns and I'm not the one who went out and had the affair!
My question is twofold:
How can I trust him again or live with someone I can't trust at all? I mean, how do you KNOW they are being sincere?
I can't accept the "closure" conversation he alleges he had with her (over the phone) as "closure". Is this "closure" from the way it sounds? What exactly is closure at this stage of the affair where he claims there has been no contact for a month?
and...
Does anyone really believe that you're only being "friendly" giving out ONLY your work number to past female classmates?
Anything else anyone would like to share would be very much appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read my long-winded story. I apologize!
Jasca
P.S. He has agreed to cancelling all accounts/cards in his sole name, transferring the remaining funds to the new account I've set up and then expects his name added to it when he has "proven" himself. Should I do this? Or am I just setting myself up for the big fall?
Thanks again everyone and GOD BLESS and give you PEACE and STRENGTH!!!
