Recently, my husband discovered that I was having and had been having for about 6 months, an affair. Although there was never any sexual contact, it was still devastating to him. We rallied from that and started looking at our relationship and trying to re-connect. We both love each other very much. About 3 weeks ago, because of other influencing factors, my husband confessed to me that he had sex with his ex-wife after he moved in with me and even after we were married. To say that I am in shock is an understatement. I agreed to stay and try to work things out. We have sought counseling at my insistence and have had one session. I am angry, soooo angry, and so very hurt. Any suggestions? I don't feel like I can really talk to him because of the fact that he's depressed and walking a fine line as it is. I can't burden him with any more of this pain. What do I do? There is really no one else I can talk to. As a result of my "wandering", he now keeps close tabs on my activities and wants to know where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with at all times. Even if I had time to talk to someone, I don't have anyone to talk to. I have friends, but I just can't face the humiliation of telling one of them about this. Any suggestions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shockedinga:
<strong> Even if I had time to talk to someone, I don't have anyone to talk to. I have friends, but I just can't face the humiliation of telling one of them about this. Any suggestions?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the right place to be...real people that can relate to your concerns. Take time and read as many of the posts as you can..and the information on the Marriage Builders mainsite. Helped me more than I can say. Soon a seasoned MB veteran will respond to your post...read what they suggest.

Looks like both of you need to set some boundries in your marriage. You are not burdening him with your pain if you bring him good solutions to the problem(s)...Men like to "fix" things and there are "tools" here.

If you both read through this forum, you will find a wide variety of people bring an even wider variety of opinion...but the one fact they all agree on... define the problems and what caused them...and fix 'em!

Shocked,

dustkitty gave you some good advice. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Looks like both of you need to set some boundries in your marriage. You are not burdening him with your pain if you bring him good solutions to the problem(s)...Men like to "fix" things and there are "tools" here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shocked so let's get some things figured out. Why are you angry? Are angry about H and his exW? Are you angry that your were caught in your affair? Are you angry at yourself? Where do you want to point that deadly weapon?

I think your counselor will point out to you that anger is a secondary emotion that is driven by: pain, guilt, remorse, etc. The point is to understand where the anger is coming from.

I would strongly recommend that you and your H read the articles on this site. I would also recommend reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Harley. Why? There are others that address the issues of affairs, but I think you will see many things you and your H recognize in SAA. I think you will see many places where you two have failed each other and can make the marriage better in HNHN.

Start by reading the articles here OK.

Now a few comments. It seems to me that you two can make this work if you have a plan. That is what this site is about. You two do have some things in common.

1. It appears that you both want this marriage to survive.

2. It appears that you both have an understanding of what the other is going through and perhaps why the affairs occured.

3. You are seeking counseling. I would warn you that not all counselors are pro-marriage. Many just want to make you feel good. Surviving an affair is not the most pleasant experience you will go through so the feel good types tend not to be good a rebuilding marriages.

I would strongly recommend that you two read several articles here. They are about the 4 rules of a successful marriage. The foundation of these rules and the method of implementing them is exmplified by two concepts that Harley is pretty unique about. One is "radical honesty" and the other is the policy of joint agreement, POJA. There is an interesting discussion going on in the Emotional Needs section on the POJA that might help you understand it. Cerri is the one that started it.

So please read the articles, talk to each other, remove the lovebusters, you will learn about those when you do your reading, and post to ask questions. People here will do their best to help you two make this work.

God Bless,

JL

PS: The answer to the question you DIDN'T ask is: Yes, you can rebuild your marriage and make it better than ever. Done around here regularly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you, both of you. Just learning, you raised a valid point, why am I angry. In his confession, he admitted that his extramaritial sex had been going on for quite some time. In fact, practically since our real beginning. We have taken on some additional children this year and I felt him shift away from me, but really had no clue to the real reason. I figured it was due to our disagreements on child rearing. Then, at the beginning of the year, he lost his job and things went from bad to worse for us. That's when mine started. It was initially just a friendship and in the end, it was just a friendship gone wild, lots of phone calls, many conversations, lunches. There was never anything physical involved. The H says it was just sex with the ex, but why her? He says she flashed him and enticed him and on a number of occasions, he took what she offered. I just don't get it. Why her? I ask him and he can't or won't tell me. He just goes on about how he's a low life and doesn't deserve for me to stay with him. I never thought he was a low life. If I had, I wouldn't have married him. Where do I go from here? How do I deal with what I'm feeling?