I recently found out that my wife of 16 years is having an affair and wants a divorce. We have 2 children, one 16 and one 13. We have not been really happy with one another for a long time. I've known she has been unhappy but didn't know what to do and didn't take the time to figure it out. Well, she told me she wanted a divorce. I didn't think things were that bad and that we would at least try to work through things if it got to that point. I asked if there was another person involved and she said yes. She said he is not the main reason for the divorce, but that she needed to be free and feel loved and be able to have all the things in life she wanted. She said she didn't want to wake up and say she never tried to be happy. My first reaction was that I wanted her and I to try and work through this, maybe get some counciling. She said she didn't want to. Her mind was made up. She wanted out. I then felt like I should just let her go. I do want her to be happy. I'm not angry at her for wanting these things in life and I feel she deserves to be happy. I hurt though and I've been reading everything I can find on divorce and second chances and marriage issues. This site has answered alot of questions for me. I think alot of people have gone through what we are going through and they've worked through it. My wife says she doesn't love me anymore and she hasn't for several years and has been staying only because of the kids. I've read how other wives have felt the same things she feels and they were able to work it out with counciling. I'm not sure if my wife really doesn't love me or if she just thinks she doesn't because of the other person in her life now. She seems adament on getting a divorce. I told her that because of the financial situation, we should hold out a little longer to get caught up on some bills. I'm also thinking in the back of my mind that maybe we can eventually work through this. I tell her every day that I love her and try to do something nice for her hoping she'll realize I do still love her and maybe we can work things out. But she is still wanting out. She is planning to move in with the person she is having an affair with. Should I keep trying to prove my love to her and hope she comes back or should I let her go and hope that she can be happy with someone else? I don't know what to do, any suggestions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tell her every day that I love her and try to do something nice for her hoping she'll realize I do still love her and maybe we can work things out. But she is still wanting out. She is planning to move in with the person she is having an affair with. Should I keep trying to prove my love to her and hope she comes back or should I let her go and hope that she can be happy with someone else? I don't know what to do, any suggestions?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Obviously what you are doing is NOT working. I suggest that you read Divorce busting 180 degree list.

lost-

A quick reply. Look at this site for Plan A and Plan B information; also look at posts by John39 and TooMuchCoffeeMan; these guys are veterans and really know their stuff. Books to get, if you can still read with all this going on, are Surviving and Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and LoveBusters all by Dr. Harley. I have the first two, but have heard good things about the third. Even if you can't concentrate enough to read, get them and try.

I'm sorry, Lost, that's all I can offer right now. IF nothign else, read on this site and find out what others have done in your circumstance. This road you are now on is long, hard and fraught with many perils. Take care, and keep posting...

Jake.

I went out and got the book surviving an affair. It has helped some, but I'm not sure where I'm going yet. Everything happened so quick, I don't know where to start. I'm in the military and recently got back from a deployment from Korea. Two weeks after getting back is when my wife broke the news of her affair and wanting a divorce. It's only been about 2 weeks since then. I've tried to talk to her and she doesn't want anything to do with me. She moved out yesterday. She came over today to get some more of her things. We talked some, but she still wants a divorce. I don't know where to go from here. I never really had the opportunity to implement plan A. Should I jump straight to plan B? I don't want to push her further away. Please help...

Lost,

Do you have the children at your place? If not see if you can get custody of them, since she is living with OM. Then since you two have been apart for awhile, I would plan A. You two have had enough separation.

Further, if you have the children at your place, I think you will have a chance to do some work on your areas of weakness with regard to the marriage and have her see them.

How are your children taking this? I suspect with you gone they have sort of sided with Mom. Not surprising, but having life with OM is a bad idea, and you should seek legal counsel about this and other issues.

If you don't want to divorce her, then don't agree to a divorce especially since you just got back in country. Give it time for you to settle in, get used to the kids again, and see what really transpires.

I would guess that you will be facing a long haul as she has had pretty much free reign while you were gone. So have patience, and give this plenty of time. Don't get ramrodded into a decision you are not comfortable with.

God Bless,

JL

Click on the link in my signature line.

What next? I felt the need to talk with the other man's wife and let her know what was going on. She said she didn't know. Her and her husband had been on and off for so long and she finally told him to find another place to live. She didn't know about the affair though. I found out that the other man has had more than 8 affairs before. He told his wife today that this one was different and he was really in love. My question is, can this be the one or is he gonna hurt my wife like all the others? I'm new at this affair thing and I want to do all I can to salvage what is left of this marriage. My wife still thinks she is in love with the other man and will not have anything to do with me. Is there hope? Should I continue with plan A? Am I letting myself in for a let down? Need answers and prayers....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Is there hope? Should I continue with plan A? Am I letting myself in for a let down? Need answers and prayers...."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is always hope especially since the OM already has a history of infidelity (8 affairs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> what do you think the odds are of this affair being his last?). Plan A is a way to negotiate an end to the A(affair) without resorting to love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements) but it doesn't always work and then Plan B needs to be implemented. I would reccommend that you read Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage and implement it's principles. I also recommend that your Dr Willard Harley's books Surviving An Affair, Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage . Will following all the principles in all these good books guarantee your W(wife) will end her A(affair) and recommit to the M(marriage)? No, there are no guarantees BUT if you do follow the principles, there is more than a good chance of saving your M and having your W fall in love with you again. Learn to control your emotions by acknowledging that this is going to be a long road and that PATIENCE will be one of your greatest allies if you want to be able to weather the emotional rollercoaster. Good luck and keep us posted.

I started work yesterday. I was ok most of the day. When I went home, my daughter and I had a bad fight. I thought I had been able to control my emotions for the most part, but I just lost it. I didn't do anything physical, but I yelled alot and she yelled alot also. I apologized later, but I know I really hurt her feelings. I went to work today and all I could think about was my ww and how she has really affected me and my daughters. I called to make an appointment for counciling. I don't know if this will help alot but I have to do something. I think I'm falling apart more now than I was when my wife first left. How do all of you cope with all the feelings? I thought I was doing good, but then I'll get a mental picture of my wife with the om and I lose it. I'm on meds already, but its not working to well. I've tried to not think about it, but something always reminds me of her. Just wondering what has helped others stop from feeling so bad...