I have had reasons to doubt my husband's honesty and committment to our relationship and recently suspect the worst of him. I feel really bad doubting him but the constant nagging in my mind will not go away.

These have been my problems:

1. Two text flirt messages received. When I confronted him about them he told me it was his young friend at work fooling around. When I asked my H if I could talk to this young man, he did not want me to.

2. Starts work early at 6am. Leaves the house at 5:35am (we are only 4 miles from his job) and then when I followed him he did not get to his job until after 6:03am. He went crazy when I had followed him and told me our marriage was over. That he could not accept that I did not trust him. I had followed him on other occasions and found him still not going to work at the time he told me.

3. I asked him where he was when he was supposed to be at work and he said he pulled over on the side of the road to think.

4. Constantly kept both sets of his carkeys on him. Never let me have a spare set - told me kids were always scratching in his car.

5. Found mouthwash under his car seat one day.

6. Received an e-mail from a person he had communicated on the internet with and replied thereto and deleted both of the e-mails without telling me. She had responded the following day and hence I found out. He had told her he was married again but still thought of her often.

7. When I confronted him about the e-mails he said he was going to tell me but we had an argument the night before and so he did not get round to it. He treated me very bad that day when he came home, told me once again our marriage was over, took off his wedding ring and proceeded to go to a church meeting without me.

8. Started a new job now. Worse than ever he works about 12 to 14 hours a day now delivering goods from catalogue companies. Does not want to know about trying to work normal hours.

9. Still leaves early, early for work.

I don't know if he is seeing someone, communicating with someone in another country on his mobile (and perhaps this is why he leaves early every morning), or has a friendship with someone close by.

I have confronted him about my suspicians plenty of times and he tells me I am paranoid and without trust we have nothing.

Can a H who is having an affair still tell their wives they love them and be very affectionate? And can they still have sex regularly? What I am trying to say - is there men out there that even though they are involved with another woman they could still act as if everything at home is in order.

I mean he never stops telling me how beautiful and special I am and that he loves me yet he does not want to discuss our past or talk about deep issues.

Some days I am suffering with deep depression as I don't know what to think or believe anymore.

Does anyone have something to tell me.

Thanks

Hi Jem24,

YES, a S can be incredibly affectionate, loving, kind, etc....and still be cheating. I have experience with that one.

And yet, despite all those wonderful things, a nagging feeling comes over you that tells you something is really wrong, right????? And that can be really crazymaking......I discovered in May that my H had been having lots of phone sex with women.....BUT....I knew something was really wrong way back in February......I just didn't know what.

I think you have a lot to go by from what you have discovered.....he is cheating......maybe you are struggling with the reality of it??? And it's hard to let this sink in I'm sure.

Men in this case, compartmentalize things......meaning they can lead a double life...the one at home, and the one outside of home.

Sorry you are going through this....but this is a great place to begin to put it all together, get feedback, and take some actions.
Roberta

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Roberta61 ]</small>

Jem24,

YES!! It's entirely possible that your H can be affectionate, loving, etc. and still be cheating. I don't know if that's the case with your H, but it definitely happened to me. My husband has always been supportive, loving, kind, attentive, and all the things that made me believe our marriage was great. Unfortunately, I found out that he has been a "serial" cheater off and on for the past 20 years. It was devasting to me, to say the least.

In your case, I would have to say that I give a lot of weight to gut feelings and intuition. If your intuition tells you something isn't right, then it probably isn't. In my case, my husband denied and denied. It was only after I asked him if he would be willing to take a polygraph did he agree to meet with me at a MC's office to talk about this.

It sounds like much of your H's behaviors are slightly suspicious. Would he agree to see a MC? Through lots of therapy and hard work, we are SLOWLY rebuilding, although my emotions are still wacky from day to day.

The first step with your H though, is being HONEST. Honest with you and honest with himself.

Good luck!

I am new here I just found out a few weeks ago that my H had affair about two and half years ago. I found this out the hard way thru a sexural transmitted D. I had not followed up with my yearly Cancer test and couldn't figure out why I was sick all the time nor could my doctor. After changing to a new doctor she run all my cancer test and that is when I found out, that my H was indeed having a affair. I had thought several times that he was but he kept telling me he wasn't. Well now the truth is out where do we go from here? I love my husband and I know he loves me even if he did have affair. How do we start to mend and built our soilded bridges. We are talking and I still feel like a person going thru the motions each day is this normal? Is this because it hasn't really hit me as hard as it is going to? Please help we want our marriage to last for ever.

Yes these suspicians do drive you crazy as the one half of me does not want to believe he could do something like this to us and then I feel terrible yet the other half is that I constantly have these nagging doubts about H. What a rollercoaster.

I have tried talking to H to get him to be open and honest with me but he just denies everything and says I am paranoid because my 1st H cheated on me. He promised me he would never hurt me in this way.

I don't know why but I truly believe my H has been having an affair even behind his 1st wife's back. His daughter told me that he also used to disappear every morning from home, this certain members of his family confirmed. But his 1st wife had cancer and he told me he needed to escape sometime as he was looking after her fulltime and had given up his job.

It seems as if my H just cannot be honest with me. I have tried so hard to get him to tell the truth but he will not open up.

Many people will not believe it of him as he is extremely introverted but I have seen how he interacts with women and he does not have a problem communicating with them. In fact he seems to always have women friends and not any male friends. This concerned me greatly before our marriage but he says he is no longer friends with them and I have believed him.

He was brought up extremely strict and with saved christian parents although he is not.

He has been working for almost nine hours today and has only just called home and as always sweet and lovable telling me he loves me.

I don't know how much more of this I can take as he just will not tell the truth and he has told me he will not divorce me. He has said I can see an attorney if I want but he wont. I think this has to do with his parents and the fact that there has never been divorce in his family.

I love him but lately feel so hurt that he just cannot be truthful.

He will not consider counselling. He says they are just a "bunch of creeps".

Rgrds
Jem24

I feel for you. My husband did this to me twice. Both time he was very affectionate. The first time there was some distance but always said he loved me(the usual). The second time I started to get the "womans intuition". He still was just has affectionate. We went on vacations. I just had a suspicion. Whenever I confronted him he defense was that I was paranoid because of what He did in the past. I would feel guilty and apologize then he would say it's not my fault that I wouldn't feel this way if he didn't mess up before. Then I started snooping and found the truth out. He lived a lie for a year. It was like he didn't want the OW to think he was cheating on her with his wife. I could go on forever. We went to some counseling. We are in recover. He said reality hit and he loves me and our son to much to loose us. I am trying to believe and trust but I don't know when it will if ever come back. He is very affectionate and loving, sexual and kind. He has been the whole time. So to your question YES they could have an affair and love you. I am so sorry for you pain. I cry everyday and think about it everyday. We are both trying. I have been reading "Surviving an Affair" I am giving him once again another chance hoping that I am not a fool. He knows this is the last time. He also knows that I will find out if it happens again. I found both out on my own. I feel like he is changing back to the man I fell in love with an married. I hope so because I can take anymore heartbreak. I am already on anti-depressants. Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers. Keep in touch!