It has only been 5 days since I told my husband of the short affair I have had. While I realize that it could take a very long time for him to come out of his state of shock and try to move on, I also think he is going to measures that could cause him, me and our family more pain than we already have. I understand why he is so upset and feels violated, and I am dealing with that now, but he continues to call this other man, and has even gone as far as writing a letter about what happened, and sending it to this man's boss, at work. The affair took place outside of work. He lives 7 hours from here, and I have stopped all contacts. I have realized what I did was morally and ethically wrong, and have faced all or our family members as well. I realize I will have to compensate for quite some time, but don't think that any human being should have to live that way, not would want to. Is my husband over-reacting? This is in no way going to help us move on and try to work through this. I don't know what he expects from this guy's employer, but it may never happen the way he wants it to.

Soccer7
Married 10 years
2 children

Soccer,

I would guess that inside of only a week of finding out, that he really doesn't care what happens to the marriage. He feels the contract is now null and void. It would appear that his focus is on hurting the OM. This is a very normal if not very productive response and you will see it here alot if you read the other sites.

What you have to do is sit back and let him deal with himself for awhile. He may NOT know if he wants to save the marriage right now. The odds are high that he will decide to in the next few weeks.

You have no clue what you have done to him. It is not just about pain. It is about his life being a lie. Some of it was. He is not certain how much. It is about him feeling you were his anchor and bedrock of his life and finding out that you weren't. So many things are triggered and HE has to sort them out.

I will tell you one thing though, I would bet the biggest thing triggered is FEAR. Fear, that he was a complete fool. Fear that he has already lost you. Fear that he will lose you. Uncontrollable fear, because he doesn't know what to trust.

So hold off on the decisions, and the judgements for awhile. He has a lot of things to work through within himself.

He sounds pretty normal. Can you give me a good reason why he should care if OM is hurt by this? Can you give me a good reason why he wouldn't want to hurt OM?

I am not advocating that he do any of these things, but you are looking at this from YOUR perspective which means you want to protect OM. Your H is NOT.

Think about this abit.

God Bless,

JL

Five whole days!!! WOW!

Sorry, but JL is right. Your H doesn't have a clue as to what he is feeling right now. He's feeling rage, sorrow, grief, anger, abandonment, shame, fear and a host of other emotions. Many of which will be on a level he has never had to face before. It will take some time for him to even began to get control of these emotions.

Ok, yes, he may not be dealing with your confession of betraying and cheating on him, your marriage and your family in a productive manner...but guess what...you didn't do so well yourself when you choose to began your affair. His errors in judgement are cloaked within a world of pain and confusion.

Since he did write to OM boss...and you said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair took place outside of work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd like to ask. Was the OM a co-workers of your's? Did it began IN the workplace as a friendship? Or did you met him through the course of your work or his? How long did your affair continue? Did you break it off? Did OM? Why did you confess?

There are so many factors which play into how a BS reacts. The more information about your situation you feel comfortable with sharing the easier it is for us to offer advice/support.

Your H is NOT over-reacting. He's been HURT! He IS hurting! He is angry! His world as he knew it is shattered and is lying at his feet in thousands of pieces. How would you like for him to react to this course of events? Want a pat on the back for being honest when you confessed and now...everything just goes back to normal?????? If so...you're not being realistic. Betrayal takes MONTHS and sometimes YEARS to overcome...and sometimes...NEVER.

It took me MONTHS and MONTHS to even began thinking rationally without my H's betrayal straddling my back pushing me down.

YOU...need to realize that whatever your H is feeling needs to be validated...by YOU. He has a right to feel the way he feels. If he's making mistakes, which I believe he is, understand that he doesn't have a guidebook and rules to follow on how to deal with this pain he is suffering. He's lashing out in an effort to somehow lessen his own pain. No...it won't work, but this knowledge is something he must glean for himself. You can't push it down his throat.

WHAT are you doing to try and make things easier for him? Have you established no contact with the OM? Have you made it plain that you want to recommitment to your marriage and you're willing to do whatever is necessary to reclaim the trust you have thrown away and repair the damage to the love he once held for you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize I will have to compensate for quite some time, but don't think that any human being should have to live that way, not would want to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe so...but then again...no human being should have to live with betrayal...nor do they want to do so.

If you're already thinking that this is going to be too much hard work and not worth the effort which is required to rebuild your marriage...get out now. It's going to get a LOT worse before it gets better. jmho And unless you have the love and the courage to stick it out...don't make it a slow death for your marriage...make it a quick one.