I have been reading everybodys stories and decided to I need someone to help me. Three weeks ago I found out my husband of 8 years has been having an affair for 6 months. I am totally devastated. I don't know what to do. Come to find out it's a girl he works with everyday. This girl has only been married for 5 weeks though. Her husband called me because he found our phone number on her cell phone and the pieces all fell in place. My husband has since confessed everything. Of course I thought I needed to know all the details to figure out what really happened but now all those details are haunting me. I can't stop thinking about the two of them together. He says it never got past kissing but they were also telling each other they loved one another. My husband has stopped talking to her and has apologized and told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and wants to try and make things right with me. So far he has done everything I have asked him to do. We started counseling and he has asked her to put in for a transfer at work (since thats what she always wanted before this was found out) but now she doesn't want to transfer. I wonder why. I feel as if she is bitter that my husband decided to choose working on our marriage instead of running off with her(which there was a chance for him to do) so now she is gonna make it as difficult on me and him as possible. I love my husband very much and want to try and forgive him but in the next breath I feel like I should be kicking him out and make him pay for what he did to me. He was supposed to love me and protect me from everything. Instead he hurt me and betrayed me and made me feel the saddest I have ever felt. I have been walking around sad for the past 3 weeks. And I'm tired of being sad. I feel so confused as to what to do and I keep changing my mind daily. I really need to hear from someone who has been here and has gotten through this and lived happily ever after. I need to know if this is possible or if this is just wishful thinking.

Marmeg, I feel for you but I don't have a answer for you because I too just found out three weeks ago my husband too had A. almost two years ago.

I believe we are still in schock that it happened because, I feel the same way as you do.

I don't know about you but I am not ready to give up on my marriage.

Marmeg & Crackedheart, these feelings lessen w/time and patience..... Keep reading here, there are many w/great advice, and many w/the same stories,,,, dont know where I'd be if I didnt find MB

Me BS 33
WH 29
DDAY 5/16/2002
OW 39 married for 20 yrs 2 teenage sons
Recovery since 1/2002

Just surfing around today and I happened upon your post about forgiveness. If you don't mind I thought I would add my thoughts.

My W and I started our recovery in March of this year after her A. To this day I am still hounded by thoughts and I am having a hard time moving on.

Below is a link to a thread I had in GQII regarding resentment but it turned into a discussion about forgiveness. There are some really excelent links in this thread.

Good luck and happy reading...
Thread about resentment and forgiveness

Marmeg,
You mentioned that you've been sad for 3 weeks now. Please know that 3 weeks is not a long time at all. You're probably still in the shock phase. Don't feel that you have to "rush" through this. It's OK to feel sad, mad, etc. for however long it takes. It's different for everyone. It's been almost 2 years for me, and I'm just starting to think about forgiveness.

Hello Marmeg!

You are definitely still in the shock faze! But I will tell you that you are very lucky that your husband is apologizing! Many BS's don't have sympathetic spouse's. My husbands A. came clean the end of March. Although I knew something was going on since December but I was in total denial until I hired a PI. That was in February. I just continued to pretend I didn't know but was secretly was plotting something! It never came into action! Thank God! No, nothing were I would have been behind bars for along time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wanted to know the gory details etc. Why we do that is probably because we just can't believe it happened. Now, I can't get it out of my head either. The pictures I have from the PI of them making out is just horrible enough. I can't imagine him in a total embrace with someone else! Very painful. Nobody understands this kind of pain unless they have been through it! It is extremely difficult to handle! So you are on the right forum!

I am not going to tell you things will be OK because there is a lot involved with the healing process. From the information I am gathering from MB, it generally takes about two years. In order for you to heal, he MUST transfer. Screw her! It sounds like you know her? It is YOU that matters in this situation. Not OW or your husband! YOU! Can your husband transfer far away?

To rap this up! You need to let your husbands apology really sink in. Yes, it is very difficult. You wish he would become a human punching bag and beat his brains out or you wish you had a time machine to go back into time and stop it before it had happened! But that is all impossible. You are so very lucky that he is sorry. I am waiting the day where my H. says that to me! I mean with a sincere kiss my butt apology! Take it slow. Remember you have rights and since he is listening to your needs you are on your way to a wonderful start and recovery! I envy you! Don't make a hasty decision.

Ali!

Whoops! Almost forgot!
Your heart will tell you when it is time to forgive! Don't let your head get in the way. And pick up the book Surviving An Affair! It maybe difficult to read at first. Just read the parts that will help you until some of the pain subsides! Don't expect forgiveness to come so quick! It is not like he lied to you about some so small! Take your time!

Ali

Thank you everybody for all your help. This is an everyday struggle for me. Whats been happening is we will be doing ok for 2 days and then I will start to slip back to thinking about the details and I go off on him saying "I can't do this anymore" and "I think we should seperate". Then after we talk about it for an hour I seem to get it out of my system and we go back to being ok again. My husband says he feels like I give him hope and he starts to feel like we are gonna be ok and then I slam the door on him and tell him it's over. There doesn't seem to be any even keel to my emotions. So he says he is starting to feel like he is afraid to keep walking through that open door because it's only a matter of time before I slam it on him again.
I also find myself getting mad at him when he is having a good time doing anything. I feel like he should be sitting here depressed like I am all the time. His response is that he is trying to get me out of my depression and if he just sits around sad like me I might get the idea he is sad because he misses the other woman. (I think he has a point there)
Then to top it all off we went to a party the other night and this girl was there with her husband. How I didn't end up behind bars is amazing(especially since the three of them are all in law enforcement) The whole night my husband did not leave my side and was constantly hugging and kissing me to reassure me. He actually wanted to leave but I didn't think I should have to be the one to suffer when I didn't do anything. I also wanted her to see that he was with me and loved me. As for her she didn't seem like she really cared what her husband was feeling and didn't do anything to try and make him feel any better. From what my husband said she real doesn't want to be married so she is not gonna change the way she is to make her marriage work. I feel bad for her husband.
Anyway I am gonna try and hang in there and follow my rollercoaster of emotions for as long as I can. We started counseling last week so hopefully that will help us. I will keep you posted of anything new.

Marmeg,
Although your situation isn't exactly like mine, I can definitely relate to how you feel. Know that being on an "emotional rollercoaster" is perfectly normal! Some days you actually feel like you're gonna make it and then other days.......BOOM........you can't stand the sight of him, you're angry at him, and you want him to disappear. All these feelings are normal. I, too, tend to be offended when my H is in a good mood. I feel like he doesn't deserve to have them! I have come to realize, though, that it's his way of trying to make me feel better. It doesn't always work, but he figures it's better than being sad or depressed.

marmeg,

Have you looked into getting on any anti-d's? They really helped me to smooth out the highs and lows for me and to make things easier for my W.

The emotional rollercoaster IS normal. But "going off on him" is not healthy for either of you and for your M. Talking and discussing the issues is fine but going off will only make OW look good in his eyes. My W told me that after one argument we had a few months ago she felt like calling OM because he always made her happy. I am glad she didn't but after her saying that I can understand how destructive going off can be.

I may not have a soulation to knowing when you forgive. But I can tell you what happens when you can't forget. I began dating my H in march of 1988. we had not dated but for 2 months when I found out I was pregnet. As a matter of fact the day I found out I also began my suspecions about another woman but that is a long story. Anyway,During the summer of 1988, various situations would come up and I would confront him that things did'nt feel right . He always assured me nothing was wrong. I was young and so much in love. We were married when the baby was 3 months old. The events of that summer faded from my memory. Then in December of 1989 while looking in a drawer for a small box to wrap a present, I found letters from the ow. All the time I brought my suspecions to him he denied anything was going on. But then I discovered very much was indeed going on. This has caused much mustrust in my marraige. Belive it or not I can understand his reasons for the affair. The part I cannot get out of my mind is how he lied to me. So I am always second guessing him. Every fight I would bring it up. To this day he has never said he was sorry he hurt me. He is angry I read his letters.Two weeks ago after many previous weeks of suspecion. I discovered he was having a online affair with a woman. I printed the conversation so he cannot deny it. He didn't he told me she asked him to help her feel less lonley. I am having a very hard time believing him. I don't want to go through what I did before. He tells me he choose me. Not the ow. He told me he loves me and just enjoyed the attention the online woman gave him.Although I am finding it hard not to believe him,I cannot give 100%. So in a nut shell don't make the mistake I did. Be ready to accept what comes, but don't go looking for it in every move. I have decied to make the computer help my marraige not kill it. I have been sending him e-mails,greeting cards and instant messages. I will give him the attention he seeks. I truely love him and saw how close I came to losing him and losing him is not the goal. Good luck and just hang in there.