I have severaly questions for you

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?

2.What made you suspect an affair

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew

Thanks

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?
>> She quits her job to stay home just before her first EA.

2.What made you suspect an affair
>> UnAccountable time & money

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?
>> Yes, then push my button to make me feel the bad one.

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew
>> I found it from phone bill & confront her while I snoop on her behavior. She disappeared for 4 days.

Extra answer for you ... My M didn't survive <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> despite plan A/B and coaching under SH.

-rh-

1) worked. A with Co-Worker

2) Came back from a two day business trip and noticed things were not right in the house looked futher and found empty wine bottle, and receipts with the makings of a romantic dinner from a grocery store that showed someone was here. Checked the call display and there were calls from the OM.

3) Yes, she did lie and try to make me feel bad for not trusting her. She came up with excuses on why the OM was there while I was gone. Without more proof of an A, I could not accuse her of it.

4) After I found out that the OM was here while I was gone, I started to check everything. It took four weeks to get the truth. In that time, I found restaurant receipts, caught her on a payphone (she has a cell phone) at a local grocery store by chance, and found holes in her story. The whole truth of the A came from an over 3 hour phone conversation that pretty well laid out the entire A. Afterwhich she came clean and filled in the blanks.

We are in recovery and it is going well. She is, as am I doing everything we can to make our W work, inclusive of the principles of MB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mr.X:
<strong>I have severaly questions for you

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?

2.What made you suspect an affair

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew

Thanks</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. My WW worked. She had A with a co-worker

2. I first suspected when she wanted to take a trip out of town without me. She went to visit her best friend from high school. That part was true, but OM met her there. Other clues were working alot of overtime and tons of cell phone calls to/from "coworkers".

3. I never accused her of having an A. I guess I was afraid it would be true. I did express concern about not spending as much time with me and b/c she was working too much or on the phone too much. Yes, she did try to make me feel guilty about it.

4. I found out when she told me. Although, she was not completely honest when she told me. She basically said she was in love with someone else. The OM told his wife the same thing a few days earlier b/c he wanted to prove to my W how much he loved my W. Of course, this brought their A crashing down, which is why my W told me. I setup a meeting with the OM the next day in a attempt to find out the truth. He lied to me and said they just fell in love. I immediately came home and told my wife I met with OM and I wanted the truth. She told me everything b/c she didn't know what OM had told me. I kicked her out for the weekend. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have taken her back so quickly.

We're in MC now. She's trying to get over OM and I'm falling out of love with her. I would really like to make our M work, but I'm having a really tough time right now.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but you are definitely not the only one going through this.

1. she works. A with a co-worker

2. I didn't suspect anything. I told her one night that I misses her and I wanted to figure out what was wrong with us. She went off on me for about an hour. Told me all the things I was doing wrong. I asked if she was seeing someone else, she said no. Two days later she told me about her A.

3. not really

4. She told me. She asked me to leave.

1. Yes she works, the A was with a co-worker

2. At first it was just a gut instinct, know my W well, she started acting differant, loosing alot of weight, buying new clothes, when I would call her cell phone, always busy, saw his number on the cell phone history, she checked her love horoscope using his date of birth(dumb [censored] should have erased that). $300.00 a month cell phone bills. A call to the OP wife, who stated that her H informed her that he was in love with my W and also admitted to making out in his car. She gave me the song and dance routine, I love you, but not in love with you, I dont feel the passion towards you that I should as a W.

3. W refuses to acknowledge A, absolutley refuses, just friends routine(talk bout fog), when asked if she was in love with im she states could be, when asked if she feels passion for him, at times, but says there is no affair.

4. When confronted with A, denied all, accused me of being abusive and that is the reason she lost her love for me(absolute Bull****)Even when confronted with the info I got off her voice message about him professing his love for her and that he had his cell phone on vibrate between his legs waiting for her to call, she replies, I'm not responsible for what other people leave on my voice mail, then accused me of spying on her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work? Worked, but affair was with next door neighbor/best friend.

2.What made you suspect an affair? Didn't suspect. Had some problems with our marriage months earlier and asked if there was someone else. She said no, I let it go.

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her? No.

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew? She told me two days before the end of our first ever cruise, with the OM and his W! He had told his W and so she didn't have a choice. She told me they had figured that we would both walk out of the marriage and they could be together. Neither one of us reacted that way!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Godd luck!

r0uter

1. worked, A with co-worker, who was also my co-worker, pretty F'ed up huh?

2. I suspect from seeing them working closely together and innocent flirting, but the clincher was the OM's wife and OM telling me.

3.My wife didn't act that way, she simply denied it and said and i quote "have i ever given you any reason not to trust me". she really just acted like it was a joke and totally false, didn't get upset that i was questioning her, maybe that's a sign.

4. see answer three, She cried, cried, begged, pleaded, got mad, tried to stop me from packing her stuff, etc., etc. said she was sorry, it would never happen again, etc.. oh yeah said she loved me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mr.X:
<strong>I have severaly questions for you

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?
Works and A was with coworker

2.What made you suspect an affair
Working late and not answering work phone. Changing habits. Lack of interest in family. Treating me like I had the plague.

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?
Oh hell yes. One night in the middle of the hot and heavy time between them my W and I went out to dinner. During the dinner she asked, "Don't you trust me?" I calmly looked into her eyes and replied, "No, not right now I don't." She went into a fit and made it look like I was an ******* for ruining our night together. Then when I constantly questioned her late work hours or staying out late on the weekends with friends I was termed a "Control Freak".

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew
She forgot to close out her yahoo email. I logged on and saw an email to her friend. She told her friend about her lover. She went on the offensive first. Said I was a CONTROL FREAK for spying. Then she started to calm down and realize the jig was up.

Thanks</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

How about you Mr X ?

I have severaly questions for you

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?
She works and the guy was a part time coworker so to speak.

2.What made you suspect an affair
I have suspected it long time, they are friends of hers and she would take my son over there to play with there son and stay long time.

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?
Oh my W is to me now the best con artist in the world, made me feel like a dog for accusing her and would say *oh yea right* with a look. She gave me sex anytime I wanted it her A lasted a year sex 5 times she says.

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew
Well she made the mistake of tearing my a** up about the cell phone bill and I new it was not me, so I got a detailed report of the calls and there ya go BUSTED. Took about 1 hour to drill it out of her but she confesed to doing it one time. I lost it called the dude he came right over told him tell me the truth that is when I found out it was 5 times and lasted a year. She told me she did not think I loved her but I still do not buy that all the way. They was saying they love each other but said she never loved him. And still loves me and feels terrable and was praying for a way out of it. We see our first MC next week and she seems to be working very hard now to fix this with us. His W still does not know I hope to fix that in a week are so. It has been 2 months since that day.

1. Was your wife a stay at home mom or did she work?

(My wife worked. She was with friends husband)

2.What made you suspect an affair

(Wife was going away for weekend, I came home early to find she hadn't used or unpacked any cloths she was going to take with her. She denied everything said she took other stuff because of weather and shortened her trip,I was suspicious. Then a month later I was away and came home to find reciepts that I questioned her about. Again I got a suspicious lie. My wife never lied to me before and now twice in two months but I couldn't prove anything so I had to keep trusting and watching)

3. When you would try to talk to her about your suspicions did she make you feel bad by acting astonished and hurt that you do not trust her?

(No, she just gave me her reason and said nothing. Without solid proof I continued to trust and began watching)

4 How did you find out, and what did she do when she knew you knew.

I think she knew that I knew something or was getting close to something the second time she lied to me but she never change one bit. I can only assume this accelerated her plans with other man to leave repective spouses. She told me mid-march when she confessed and left. I was devastated.

The day she left I became insignificant in her life. She became the ice queen towards anything I tried to do or was feeling. I was told to "move on", "she couldn't change the past", "it's not about him it's about us", "to much time has past for us"

She was dumped 6 weeks ago and hasn't talked to me since. I guess that's my fault to. I don't think she's comming back. My wife has always had a problem with communicating and is a conflict avoider. To bad traits for recovery.

But I hope.

Mr.X.,
Just out of curiosity, but why are you only asking about the wives affairs??
Just seeing the stats??

Ali

Thanks for your openess on this. I appreciate it. Well I am in a situation where I am not sure I want to know. We have 3 kids 13,9,and 7....they love there mom to death.....I have had a feeling.....I mean she still is very loving and caring.....we do have our ups and downs like any relationship. She is a stay at home mom....so I hate to think she is taking what free time she has to fool around.....The latest thing was a 5 page letter I found in her car from some guy at her gym....it read like a letter from Penthouse forum...like a story of him coming to our house to wash my wifes car and what would happen between them....it was very sexual and explicit....Now my wife did tell me about this guy at her gym...said he was following her around the gym and made her uncomfortable....she had been friendly to him...and she thought he got the wrong idea......but so wrong he gave her this letter?....she had mentioned him giving her a letter and it was gross....I just had not seen it to know HOW gross it was.....
She also likes to take days to herself. As a stay at home mom she really gets very little time to herself....so every once in a while she likes to take a day alone...usually to the beach or hiking.

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Mr.X ]</small>

Mr X,

It sounds like your W has been honest with you about the guy from the gym and the letter....

When she told you about this, what did you do?

I don't think that I'd be suspicious of my W if she told me these things... I'd probably thank her and then take a trip with her the next time she goes to the gym and let this mystery man know that I didn't appreciate him writing letters to my W....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Mr. X,

Keep the letter. Next time your wife goes to the gym, tag along, bring the letter, introduce yourself to the guy, and let him know that you have his letter and if he so much as hands her a business card and continues to follow her around the gym you will have to inform the gym owners and file a police report. After all, that's what you would do if you truly believed her story right?
She may or may not be having a full-fledged affair with this guy.
It think if her story is true about this guy making her uncomfortable, she'd love to have you tell this guy to back off. If it's a cover story, she's not going to want you anywhere near the gym and will find a million excuses why you shouldn't go with her.

FSedona

X,

That letter & following your W ... are based for RO. I would meet with the guy and tell him to f3!k off. From now on go with her to the gymn ... it might be her #1 EN is companionship !. Also this man might be a predator, you could find them easily in the gymn !.

If she avoid you to go to the gymn ... (redlight#1). If she don't want you to confront him ... (redlight#2). Post back here with more details.

-rh-

If she was truely uncomfortable about this guy and his letter then she would have showed it to you immediately and said do something about it. I think her telling you about the guy was just to keep you from being suspicious. My guess is she's having an affair. You should definately be going to the gym with her. Confronting her will probably not get you the answers your looking for, she will deny it, i'd show up at the gym unexpectedly or talk to the guy, he may tell you the truth, but she won't.

Excuse me if I'm missing something here, but if this guy is a problem, why doesn't she just quit going to this particualr gym and go to another? I mean is this to much of a comittment for her to make?!
coach

She gets up at about 4 in the morning to work out at the gym....She works out for an hour then runs with her girlfriend that also works out at the gym....I am home to watch the kids.....She likes that gym because all her friends are there...it is an LA Fitness and is brand new and very nice.....When this happened she said she had her girlfriend talk to this guy and let him know that she is married and has three kids....so he has left her alone.