One more question...... All of you that have been betrayed. How did you find out about the affair. Did you spy? Did they tell you? Just a feeling? And when you did find out did they lie or tell the truth.

It started out as a feeling. My exhusband had 5 EA/PA in 10 months (ones that I could prove). When OW got pregnant..kinda made it obvious. But before then time/money didn't add up. The feelings got stronger so I went digging.

My current DH was by accident. Went to history on puter to find a website I say before and saw porn/chat. I've not confronted him. But when I do look back...I had a feeling something was up.

Found out from OM and OM's wife, first from his wife. Once she knew i talk to OM she gave up lieing

Husband needed time on his own to "find himself". Of course, I found the time to "find things" like very high cell phone bills, a new credit card and establishing individual bank account. After that, it was pretty easy...with all of the ammunition and a very dumb, OW, she confessed (it was his secretary).

I had a feeling something was up so I checked the history on our home computer. He didn't bother to log off his hotmail account and I read some interesting (read devestating) stuff.

He lied about it for 1 minute until I told him details of what I read.

He lied about the physical aspect of it for 1/2 a day when I did more snooping in the email account.

Over two years ago my W started acting very differently. Coming home late from work. Going out on the weekends until very late. Coming home smelling of cologne (I was an idiot not to scream at that). Changed musical tastes (country music? Bleck!). Started smoking. Started drinking more than usual. The she got pregnent with our third child and it all stopped until a few months into the pregnancy. She started pulling away from me again. Started showing no interest in talking of a future together. Then a few weeks after the birth of our third child the other stuff started back up. I had just about stopped caring altogether until I wanted to check my yahoo mail March 3, 2003. Suddenly her email opened up instead. I had checked it before like this but she made the mistake of telling her good friend about a week earlier about her guy. After reading it about 12 times I went to wake her up. She first said I didn't know what i was talking about. Then she actually attacked me. Then she started telling me the details. After about a month I knew just about everything. Why do they suddenly have a thought for your feeling (and not wanting to hurt them) after doing the worst possible thing to you?
Still now after 4 1/2 months we are working our butts off at this M and are happier now together than we ever have.

Thw OW called me and told me. She wanted me to realize what kind of husband I really had. Of course, when I called H and asked him about it he denied it, at first, until I told him things that he couldn't get out of. Then it was all my fault. He had needs that I couldn't fulfill, etc.

My H has not confessed to an A yet (doesn't consider it one) but when he left me he said he didn't love me and realized there were things he still wanted to do with his life. He denied that there was someone else.

About a week later I noticed some purchases on our bank account made at Victoria's Secret. I was devastated and called him up. Of course, he lied and said that he had let someone borrow money. (YEAH RIGHT) He did admit that he was going out with females friends (plural, but I knew it was singular).

My H told me about a past A. He told the truth, albeit 5 years later.

Also notable, he did not consider it an affair until we started reading definitions, although he told me about his infidelity. It was an EA that led to oral sex, and then ended at that although the friendship remains on a very superficial level. We're working on that.

When I got home from work around 8 pm there was a message on the machine from my H's work about a medical test. I had a sinking feeling that he had failed the random drug test. I repeatedly called his cell phone but no answer. He finally called back at 9:30. I asked him if anything had happened at work and he said that he had to take the drug test two days before and he thought he didn't pass. I thought he had given up pot YEARS ago. He wasn't smoking it with me. Needless to say I was devasted, he had worked there 22 years. When he got home he told me that it was worse than just losing his job. He had been having an affair for 7.5 years with his friends sister. Of course he was with her when I called earlier, having sex. He had been smoking pot with her, they liked 'marijuana sex.' I was shocked yet relieved because I had 'known' from the beginning. He always denied it. I was crazy, how could I not trust him, etc. He saw her 2 to 4 times a week for all those years yet I was crazy. I have to say that I ignored alot of the signs. He broke up with her the next day. Because he lost his job, he is no longer in the same county with her. He has no reason to drive the 35 miles anymore. That is a big help in my recovery as a BS. I know it is a long bumpy road. I found this site, we have read the books and are on our way to recovery. This site and the people here are life savers. I can't thank them enough.
HB26

W would come home at 3 in the morning saying she worked late but she smelled like an ashtray. Her shift ended at 10PM and she didn't smoke.

This "really nice guy" from work kept staying late to "help" her with "things" but yet would always make himself scarce when I was around.

New group of friends, cellphone that wouldn't stop ringing, although she wouldn't let me see it or hear the messages. Her voice was always quite when she was on the phone.

Then on our 3 month anniversary, she said she needed time to "figure things out." I told her she was having an A, she said no and got angry.

When confronted with evidence she was very sad admitted to an EA but never a PA (it had been physical for months). It wasn't until the A was over and she came to me about recovery that she admitted to a PA.

Anyway, thats me in a nutshell....

I suspected so I installed recording software on our home computer. I only installed it yesterday and today I read my first email from her. Proof eneough.

#1- Acting Funny, Irresponsible, Took Horrible Care of the home, wouldn't cook

#2- The way she looked at him

#3- Telling me things like..."That guy is so irresponsible, he makes me so mad..." This is so I would be thrown off the scent

#4- The absolute hostility the OM's fiancee treated my EX-W with. Made me wonde"HMMMMMMMMMM she is probably trying to steal her man."

#5- Finally a phone call from OM's girlfreinds complete with what e-mails, letters have said to him--D-Day

EX said all of that is "just flirting" No PA proof you know.

Then 4 months later found a letter saying

"I need you"
"I have got to see you"
& Blah Blah

You know..."Flirting"