For 10 months, my W had an intense emotional and physical affair. It's been 5 weeks since she told me.

We had a long talk last night about her A. She told me a lot and I’m pretty sure she didn’t hide anything.

The things she said they did together made me realize how deeply in love with him she was. I asked her if she was still in love with him and she said, “I think so. I don’t want to be. I’m trying hard not to be.” I asked her about her feelings for me and she said, “I want to fall back in love with you.”

Later she told me she understood why I had to ask her these questions, but for her, thinking about it all makes it harder for her to get past it.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I not talk about her A anymore? I know it's hard for her to fully love me when she's still getting over OM. And it's hard for me to give her all my love when I know she doesn't feel the same about me. I know it takes time, but I don't know how to act during this time.

I would appreciate your thoughts on my situation.

Thanks.

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>

About Love...it was once explained that Love is not a feeling....Love is a commitment. The person she had an A with doesn't know what Love/commitment is. I'm not good at non-LB moments but maybe if you explained that Love isn't a feeling..but a commitment and by being with me you are saying and showing love. To get back those comfy/fun feelings it will take time.

It is important for NC.

I know you probably don't feel like she deserves it but if you want to have a shot at having her fall in love with you again, then you will have to make a conscious decision to invest at least 15 hours a week with her doing things and going to places she enjoys. Not only will it be a way to releive the pain for her but for you as well.

H4U,

Don't expect her to fall out of love with OM. I know this sounds terrible, but how will he ever get a negative account in her love bank? If she has NC then he will not ba able to LB or make withdrawals. This knowledge has helped me cope with my W telling me that she still loves him and misses him.

r0uter

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by r0uter:
<strong>H4U,

Don't expect her to fall out of love with OM. I know this sounds terrible, but how will he ever get a negative account in her love bank? If she has NC then he will not ba able to LB or make withdrawals. This knowledge has helped me cope with my W telling me that she still loves him and misses him.

r0uter</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im sorry, but that sux! If my WW told me she still loved the OM and misses him, I would tell her.....Bye, the OM is all yours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I kind of agree with startinover, my wife always said she doesn't love him, doesn't want to see him anymore, if she said otherwise i would probably move straight to plan B and for me that would be the end of it. If she's just saying what i want to here then there's nothing i can do but wait and see. I've allready told my wife if she doesn't want me then go for the OM, but i think she realizes that he's a piece of [censored]. Either way i know i can do much better in all aspects! I think the other man dumped my wife and once i find that out she's gone to, i won't be second choice to anyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FAITHFULnFL:
<strong>i won't be second choice to anyone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I was a bit harsh, but this is TRULY how I feel.

Hope,
I think I'm in the same position you're in right now. H ended the A 4 weeks ago, but he doesn't love me, and that hurts so much more than the A itself. He wants to work things out with me, and I see him trying every day. He is being sweet and affectionate, we're trying to meet each other's EN's, we spend lots of time together. I know he regrets what he did, but the fact is he still cares for her. And as you said, it's hard to give myself fully to loving him, when he doesn't love me back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what to do anymore. Should I not talk about her A anymore? I know it's hard for her to fully love me when she's still getting over OM. And it's hard for me to give her all my love when I know she doesn't feel the same about me. I know it takes time, but I don't know how to act during this time </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We were both out of town last week (separately) and when we got home it was a really great reunion. He told me he'd missed me. We felt really close (at least I did, and he seemed like he did, too.) We sort of agreed that we'd make a fresh start, that we'd work on the marriage and try not to relive the past. I did great until today when all those feelings of being runner-up came back. I ended up e-mailing him at work. This is what I wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H,
I'm having a bad day today, and I thought I should tell you why. Every once in a while I start to remember things... images, incidents, words, etc. I try to just forget... shrug them off... but sometimes they just won't go away. Mostly what they boil down to is that I'm not special to you. I have a lesser place in your heart than she does. You value her more than you do me. The knowledge that you don't love me hurts so much more than that you had an affair. I want to believe you will love me again... I have to believe it. But until that happens I will have a hard time being at peace.

So... if and when you feel your feelings for me growing, please tell me. I need to know where I stand. I need to know that I'm important to you and not just a decision you made for the sake of our son. When you told me Saturday that you missed me... those were the sweetest words I'd ever heard. I know you don't want me to get too excited, or go crazy with the notion that we're gonna be OK, and let me assure you I won't. I'm just as scared as you are... maybe more so. But at the same time I feel we need to encourage each other, and not hold back something that is good. I need to feel that you want to be with me... not out of obligation, but out of choice. I know you say your army is here... that you're here... but once in a while it would be nice to hear something a little more personal.
Sorry to dump this on you at work, but I thought it would be safer than trying to tell you in person. I thought a letter would help me say it better. Plus it gives you time to digest and consider, without making you feel you need to respond in a certain way. I'm not saying this for you to come home and tell me how much you care, etc. But when you do have positive feelings for me, I think it would be good for us if you didn't hold it in.

Thanks for listening
Wings </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked him not to respond to it, but he called me a little while later to see if I was OK. He offered to come home, and I told him it wasn't necessary. That I was OK. It was kind of a strained conversation, like he expected me to say someting... I don't know what. So a little while later I em'd hm again:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honey,
I didn't send you that letter to make you feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I don't want sympathy or pity. I just need you to know how I feel. I've felt this way for a long time & I've gotten used to it, but sometimes it kind of creeps up on me and screams in my face. As much as I would love for you to swoop in and rescue me, that's not your job. I don't expect you to all of a sudden feel a deep burning love for me again. But I do think that if you let yourself, it will creep back in slowly. And if and when it does, please let me know. That's all I really wanted to say.

You can reply to this if you want to, but you don't have to.
I love you
XOXOXOXOX
Me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I did the right thing... I guess as long as I was being honest and didn't LB, it was OK. But I still feel as you do, Hope - not sure how to deal with being unloved by the one person whose love means the most.

Router
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't expect her to fall out of love with OM. I know this sounds terrible, but how will he ever get a negative account in her love bank? If she has NC then he will not be able to LB or make withdrawals. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then how do they ever love us again??? Is it better if we let them go and try it out? I've wondered that so many times. I was so tempted to push him out the door and let him get a taste of what it would be like in the real world with her. I never did, obviously, but I still wonder if it would have been easier on us in the end. (Although it would have been much more devastating for the kids.)

As Faithful said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I won't be second choice to anyone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can live with it for the time being... but if at some point he doesn't fall in love with me again... I can not and will not live like that.

Hopefully I won't have to and neither will you.

Good luck to you Hope(and to me.)
Wings

Hope,

I'm not sure how much I will help you - apparently I haven't done too well in my situation either - MJR wants a divorce.

But from the WW point of view, I think you should continue asking the questions. They may be hard for her to answer, as they may make her think of him, but once you have all your pieces to the puzzle, the questions will stop. She will be able to fully recover from him, and you guys can start working on your M. It would probably be worse if you stopped asking questions now, then asked later, and she ended up resurecting those feelings later - just my thoughts.

As for being "in love," it really depends on how you define it. For me, "in love" was just enjoying the person I was with for who they were at the time. So in that respect, yes, I was "in love" with OM. BUT (big but) what I really wanted was to get from H what I was getting from OM. I kept (even throughout the A) trying to help things with my H and I. I would ask to go do different things on the weekends. I would bring up our issues. I know this was incomprehensible and disrespectful, but the bottom line is that I never really wanted OM. So in that respect, I did not love him.

Makes no sense, I know. Basically, I chalk it up to I was not truly in love with him. I thought I was because he was being the person I wanted my H to be. In the past couple of months, my H was the person I wanted him to be....that's what drove me to confess and cut off all contact with OM to recommit.

Give your W the love you can - let her give you what she can. Time will bring you closer together. Neither of you are 100% now, and you probably won't be for a while.

Have you guys explored your R before the A? Are there any needs that weren't being met? Why did she end up entertaining the idea? Granted, she was wrong 100% for following through - but usually there is something in the R or an EN that is not being met.

I just wish I had forced H to address our R and voiced how unhappy I was at the time. I might have saved my M. I hope she knows she is lucky...

Believe it or not, you have weathered the storm and now are entering the recovery period. What your wife said is truthful and great to hear. For a woman to have a physical affair, she would need to have those feelings of love. Yes she was in love with him and currently still has those feeling. There are different types of love. There is the feeling of being in love. There is the commitment type of love. Example, if you have kids, there are times when they do things that make you very angry but you still love them. Love the feeling is something you have to decide to do. It comes by making a decision and action upon it. Your wife stated about her feeling for you, as "I want to fall back in love with you." If you were in counseling, this is exactly what they would what your wife to do. Your wife has taken the first step; she wants to have those feeling of love for you again. The next step is for the two of you to start dating again. This will start to rebuild the relation ship and by meeting each of your needs will help develop those feelings of love.

It is great that you were able to ask questions from your wife and she told you everything. She is right that talking about it makes it harder for her to get past it. Talking about it brings back not only the feeling but also the shame she is currently feeling. Currently, she wants to look forward into rebuilding the future not the shipwreck of the past. You need to get to the point where you do not have any more questions and have the ability to move forward. Counseling may help. I do not know where you are at. At some point she needs to ask for your forgiveness and you will need to forgive her. Once you forgive her, you cannot hold this over her head to use whenever you have an argument.

Will she always love the OM? Probably not. After doing much reading, women can only love one man at a time where men can have that loving feeling for multiple women. Once you start rebuilding your marriage and going on those dates, those feeling for you will return and those feeling for the OM will diminish. Once she falls madly in love with you again, she will wonder how she ever had feeling for the OM.

You need to get past the questions and start dating you wife again. Your wife is in the exact position to start rebuilding the marriage.

You have more work to do but you have weathered the storm.

I wanted you to know that I posted a response on the In Recovery board regarding your question.

FWW (me)-32
BH-35
married 12 years
2 children
A lasted 6 months - hid it another 6
DDay 1/5/03

Wow - your W is very lucky! You are extremely conscious of her needs. I am the WS and am amazed at how understanding you are being. My H was really putting his needs first when dealing with the A, and I think he needed to. I hope your W knows how caring you are being.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by r0uter:
<strong>H4U,

Don't expect her to fall out of love with OM. I know this sounds terrible, but how will he ever get a negative account in her love bank? If she has NC then he will not ba able to LB or make withdrawals. This knowledge has helped me cope with my W telling me that she still loves him and misses him.

r0uter</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think her feelings can decrease over time. If does not spend enough time with the OM because of NC, her love bank is going to decrease. Love banks do not stay stationary. They decrease if left alone and nothing is being done to increase the account.

Ok - Maybe the Love Bank balance will decrease over time, but it could take a very long time. IMVHO My WW has started to show signs of wanting to recover finally, hopefully this is happening to her!

H4U, I hope that things are going well for you now! Keep us posted.

r0uter

I had and EA and fell in "love" 7 years into my M. My H had been verbally and physically abusive and I finally found the courage I needed to leave him. He was devistated. He never shed a tear in our whole marriage but, everytime we were together, he weeped uncontrollably. He got the therapy he had needed for so long; he begged for my forgiveness and begged me to give the marriage another chance. I finally did-only for our child. I didn't feel any love for him whatsoever. In fact, I didn't even like him. However, he was patient and kind and it took close to a year, but eventually I fell deeply in love with with my H in the end. I never think about the OM anymore, I have no feelings of "love" for OM at all, in fact I had totally forgotten all about him until a post here suddenly reminded me...now it's just an old memory of very silly feelings. I value and cherish my H and his persistence and pure love that he showed me during that time.