I'm not real sure how to do this. But I have questions I hope others in my shoes could help with. I am FAITHFULnFL ws. My husband has been on this sight and I have read some of the posts. First I would like to thank all that have helped him. I know that my A has really hurt him. Most of my questions have to deal with making him believe that I want to repair our marriage because I love him, not because the om rejected me.
FIrst I guess I should explain some for those who dont know. I had an a with a coworker.It happened on and off again for one and a half years. I am not really sure why it happened in the first place. My h is great and I love him with all my heart and didn't realize that there was something wrong till it was to late. I know that sounds stupid. I don't really know how to explain that. But I let this other person cross a line that i thought that i never would. Like I said I am still not totally sure as to why. Because the om and myself never talked about the future, never talked about leaving our spouses to be together. I never ever told the om that i loved him or that i wanted to be with him. I guess I liked the attention this om gave me. I know this is not an excuse but I have always had low self-esteem and I guess this om made me feel pretty and good about myself. Not that my h didn't do that I just felt that he had to say those things because he was my h. Does anybody understand that? If I keep on i will just ramble forever.
Anyway, I am totally committed to our marriage recovery and am trying to make him understand that is the reason, not that i was rejected by the om. I can not picture livng the rest of my life withOUT my h. And need help with making him understand that.
We have both read the Surving the Affair book and I have also read the Infedility Crisis e-book. Please any advice will help. and any questions will be answered.
thank you

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: FAITHFULnFL ]</small>

FFnFL's W,

Welcome to this site. I think you will get a lot of advice and I hope that some of it will help you.

My suggestion is to realize that there is no single way you can make your H understand what you have stated. Your actions will have to show him.

You must understand that his self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit. It is further complicated by the fact that he was apparently trying to meet you needs and you wouldn't accept what he was telling you.

So, your affair is about you "chosing OM over your H". I know this doesn't seem so from your standpoint. You sort of wanted your cake and eat it too, so for you it was not a choice. The fact that OM ended things simply meant that you went back to H. Right? Nothing could be simpler.

But it is not to your H. Because to him you did make a choice to have the affair, but you didn't chose H by ending the affair.

I believe you do love your H. You say you do so I believe you. On the other hand I have no reason to distrust you, your H does.

This is a long winded way of saying that before he can believe he wasn't "second best", he is going to have to trust you and the things you say. The trust can be restored by constantly being honest with him, and having your actions match your words.

I don't recall if he has requested that you be accountable for you time, and no contact with OM, but I would suggest to you that you do just that for him. It will help you build up trust with your H. If you voluntarily tell him where you are going and what you are doing, and it is ALWAYS true that you do this, then over time he will begin to trust again.

Once that happens, he may begin to believe that you do actually love him. It sure doesn't hurt for him to hear it from you, but as you discounted his words to you, he is doing that now, but with reason. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am sure others will come and offer you more advice. I hope something I have said will help you.

God Bless,

JL

My personal feelings as a bs???
Tell her/him how much she means to you
show her/him
reassure in small ways
make the effort in your marriage you made to be with this other person
make them feel special
try your best to see that he knows he is who you want desire love.
Im not taoking tackling him daily at door...lol
Little things big things, remove the doubt, and when you see he is down acknowledge it..dont run from it or ignore, communicate...honesty no matter how much it hurts is sooooooooo important...there thas my opinion hope it helps i know those are some things i desire...

"I had an a with a coworker.It happened on and off again for one and a half years. I am not really sure why it happened in the first place. "

If you don't know WHY you committed adultery after being married for a short time why should your husband trust you NOT to commit adultery with another man in the future who gives you attention.

FFnF's W,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know this is not an excuse but I have always had low self-esteem and I guess this om made me feel pretty and good about myself. Not that my h didn't do that I just felt that he had to say those things because he was my h. Does anybody understand that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I do!!!

Part of the recovery process that Dave Carder states in his book Torn Asunder is for both the BS and WS to search for the "message of the affair".

One of my FWW's strongest "messages" was her need to have OM build up her own self esteem, so I definitely understand what you're saying.

Right now, your H probably isn't going to be very inclined to believe a word that you say. Have patience with him... Like others have said, you're going to have to SHOW him that you can be trusted again... and that will take time.

Get a copy of Torn Asunder and see if your H would be willing to read it with you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I can identify with feeling like your H "had to say those things because he was your H". I had the exact same thoughts. The OM had no obligation to say anything.

You have to learn to believe what your H says - Especially, now that you have had the A - he doesn't HAVE to say anything. He doesn't even HAVE to stay with you. If he chooses to do so, it is ONLY because he loves you and wants to try to make this work.

I can bet anything that the A happened because of your low self-esteem. You keep saying "I don't know why" Until you recognize that you have a low self-esteem, you will not be able to do anything to improve it.

This is a tough thing to overcome. I am still having to remind myself that my H really does mean what he says.

As far as helping your H understand, maybe reading some of these posts, will help, but your actions will have to show him how you feel about him. If you are struggling with feelings, talk to him. Just the other day, I talked with my H regarding a man flirting with me and how it made me feel. You have to communicate with him.

You are not alone on this road. Many, many people who have A have them due to low self-esteem. I can tell you though, if your H hasn't ever had a low self-esteem problem, he does now. He is dealing with his W chosing another man over him. It is your job to reassue him that he is an AWESOME man. Just the fact that he stayed, proves he is strong.

FWW(me)-32
BH-35
married 12 years
2 children
DDay-1/5/03

How do you think you would be feeling and thinking if your husband came to you and informed you that he has been having a sexual affair for over one and half years and proceeded to tell you that he simply did not know why it happened. He also informed you that he wants to work on the marriage now and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this other woman has now rejected him.
It sounds a bit hollow don't you think? If you cannot tell him why it happend then why in the world would he think it would not happen again?
I think if the roles were reversed you would be wondering the same thing. Things don't just happen. You made a deliberate choice to have sex with another man for over a year and a half, risk your marriage and put the health of your husband at risk also. The argument that you don't know why it happened is insulting to your husband and yourself. You can only have a chance at recovery if there is total honesty in these discussion. In short, if your husband was screwing another woman for over a year and he told you he does not why it happened - would you accept this explanation?

FAITHFULnFL W welcome to MB.

Please don't be put off by some of the responses you've gotten because they are truly meant to help you and your H recover from this ordeal.

Here's what Dr Harley says about how affairs begin:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week -- your friends and co-workers....Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs....The only way to protect your marriage from an affair is to be sure that those conditions don't exist.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may be do your H some good if you were to share the above with him.

Bryanp:

It is always welcomed by new members that positive input and encouragement are offered to them.

Your post borders on the abusive, and as a moderator, I am requesting that any further responses to this post, moderate the chastisement of this, and other newbies.

Mentioning MB concepts and positive recommendations are a perferred approach.

OneGoing.

FFnFL,
Welcome to MB. I, like you, am a WS. You can read my story (WARNING! it does get whiny, but it's improving) by clicking the link in my signature.

I am locked out of the house right now so I cannot even try to explain "Why I had the A." to my W. I know why I had my A, but for the longest time I would try to explain and then when I felt she wasn't getting it, I would throw some blame on my W for me having the A. That doesn't work.
You and your H are still living under the same roof. Use this opportunity to let him know exactly what you felt and why you had your A. I have learned, hopefully not too late, that openess and honesty is an important Emotional Need (EN).

Good luck and God Bless you in repairing your marriage.
TTSMM

betrayed husband here. What my wife meant to say was how can she make me understand that she didn't choose to work on our marriage because of the om rejecting her, to the best of my knowledge he did not. The other man had told me he ended the affair for the sake of his marriage and child, blah, blah, which i never believed. He doesn't give a [censored] about his marriage, the only reason he is married was to avoid prosecution by his W's parents because she was only 16 when he got her pregnant.

I'm fairly sure the affair would still be happening if the OM's wife hadn't badgered me to find the truth, which is probably why she kept telling me it was happening, to end the affair.

I would still like a better explanation to as how and why this happened. Besides some poor communication and not enough leisure time/attention, we didn't have any problems. she knew how i felt about this guy, so that leads me to believe she choose this guy for that reason, to punish me somehow. My wife has said before and thinks that i think i'm perfect somehow, i do not believe i am perfect, but i'm looking better ever day. I don't want to be better than my wife, just as good.

I can't believe what my wife says here as she knew i would see the post, so anything she says is assumed to be another lie. I wish she could just tell me the gods honest truth why this happened.

Maybe it would be easier to type it here? Baby, why would you want to hurt me so bad?

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: FAITHFULnFL ]</small>