H knows about my infidelity. H and I are working through IT. he wants to know what happened in detail. what do i say? i'm scarred and really can't remember the whole timeline it took months to develop. the affair was almost 2 years ago and i really don't want to think about it or OM. i'm not sure what to do. i wish that i could somehow get H some help. he won't see a councelor for fear that someone in his field will find out. i'm in recovery for my codependency, going to support meetings and have a sponsor i don't want this to happen ever again. what can i do for him? without getting in the way or making it worse.

Please, please, please tell him as much as he asks, and as much as you can remember.

My H just confessed his A to me (his was 5 years ago) and at first was trying to soften it by saying, "It was just touching." "Things got out of hand one afternoon."

After some probing, I was able to tell that it had been oral sex and that there had been a lot of inappropriate conversations that had led up to the moment - inappropriate from the standpoint of too intimate feeling-wise, as opposed to too intimate sexually. That last day there were sexual innuendos as well.

It's been a week since I found out, and I'm a lot calmer now, but the first three days I asked questions constantly. Bless his heart, my H answered everything patiently, although it made him feel horrible to be asked. He said (and I agree) that answering me was the least he could do, and as hard as it was to do it must be even harder to listen to. (It was.)

There is nothing you can do to help him work through how he feels, other than being honest about your own feelings. Please tell him how much you love him, and especially WHY you love him (assuming you do). The biggest mistake my H made was talking non-stop the first day about how he would die if he was away from our children, when selfishly what I wanted to hear was that he didn't want to live without *me*. Selfish, but that's what I wanted to hear.

We're moving along, some days better than others. Hope this helps.

Hi MUB,

Welcome to MB.

Your H is at least two years behind you right now as far as the A is concerned... His need for answers is an attempt by him to try and piece together what happend to the M just prior to and during the A.

You must realize that you are WAY ahead of your H... Only you, the OM, and God know what happend during the A. I don't say that in a condemming way... we've all sinned... but right now, your H is trying to find out what happened and why. You hold all of the missing pieces to the puzzle.

If your H asks for detailed, graphic information (I sure did), you should be willing to honestly answer his question... but you should 1st warn him that your answer to his question is going to hurt him and ask him if he is prepared to hear it. If he says he's ready, then tell him as honestly as you can. Don't hold back in a false attempt to "spare" his feelings. What you are trying to do is show him that you are willing to be totally honest with him by answering his questions.

My FWW's A's happened during our first three years of M. I knew about one A and suspected one more... I didn't find out until over 10 years later that she'd had 4 more A's... So she definitely had trouble remembering exactly what happened... Of course, I accused her of more lying and selfishly thought that she was just protecting herself. That was my pain talking... (I have a hard time remembering what I had for dinner last night, let alone what happened 10 years ago.) A BS that just found out that their spouse had an A isn't going to cut the WS much slack no matter how much time has passed.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and see if your H will read it with you... Be as open and honest as you can in answering your H's questions... Warn him if the answer is going to hurt him, but don't "protect" his feelings. And finally, find a good pro-marriage MC and start going together with your H.

It is possible to rebuild your M....

Semper Fi,
RIF90