Mjr, I rarely post but your situation, (so very similar to mine) the excellent advice I have received over the last couple of years (JL, Chorus, Takola etc.) and my desire to help someone when I can have led me to write to you today. I know where you are right now. I DO know how you feel. I am taken back to a stretch of days in my life that I never thought would happen, would'nt wish on my worst enemy, and will never repeat themselves. I weep with you now. You are, unfortunately, right where you should be considering your RECENT trauma. I am going to tell you some things that will help you. They will not take the pain away now. I am sorry for that. They will give you some helpful ideas to get through this-- you will get through this.

First and foremost make NO major decicions for the next few months. NONE. Trust me on this. Your life is long and it is imperative to do things correctly during these next few days/months for YOUR sake as well as your wife's. Secondly, do not deny, supress or in anyway hide what you are feeling (barring of course injuring yourself or anyone else). What you are feeling is EXACTLY what you should be. Third, get Professional help right away. If you are one of the tough guys who has been brought up to believe you should be able to internalise, process and eventually "fix" things-FORGET IT- it smacks of pride and will only drag out the process. Listen to me and avoid my mistakes. My "keep it to myself and my wife" attitude led me to 30lbs weight loss, almost losing my job, and eventually REAL suicidal thoughts culminating in a beautiful 5 night stay in the Psych ward and more S&*t thrugh my body than Elvis in the 70's. Fourth, as hard as it is and I KNOW how hard it is ( I am a marathon runner and can perfectly recall crying as I tied my shoes to go out to run-a 2 mile run that took everything I had to finish. That was about 2 months in as depression was beginning to seriously effect me.)start TODAY to write down how you are going to make yourself eat and excercise. I would add sleep but I would be fudging- you aren't going to sleep very good for a while-it's O.K. You will shorten the amount of time you will feel the INTENSE pain if you will please do these things. Finally, and it may be a long finally. Thinking of you guys the last week and a half has brought back a lot of pain and memories, and some healing to. We are 3 years past D-day. Mjr, I want you to really hear me when I tell you this, and if possible, I want your wife to read this with you at some point. You are VERY fortunate to have a wife who is remorseful and willing to do the work with you. Some, most are not so willing. I know both of you may not have ears to hear this right now but LIT, Mjr loves you very much. I know this because I have been where he is, and I loved/love my wife as well. Mjr, LIT loves you now and probably didn't NOT love you at any point during this whole mess. Mjr, guess how your wife feels about herself and what she has done--to you and to herself. LIT, is there ANYTHING you wouldn't do/give to turn back the hands of time? Look to each other for strength, but please get the outside help necessary to get you through this. I can't say for sure if your marriage will be stronger than before. I can say from what I've read and the experience of 20 years of marriage that neither of you will lead as fulfilling of lives as you may have if you don't try.
Time... Patience.. Prayer...

You both are in my prayers daily. God Bless.

serenity>>Thanks for the words of encouragement...Sorry it has taken so long to respond to your post. At first, I felt as though I would be able to work through this, however as each day passes, I find myself falling deeper into an endless pit. I am having a very difficult time accepting what my W has done to me, and it makes me increasingly angry and hurt inside.

I honestly feel as though my love for her is decreasing as each day goes by. I no longer look at her as the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with...I look at her as a murderer. She has murdered my inner being and has stripped me of any innocence I once had. I don't look at her with any sympathy whatsoever. How could I? She has killed me on many levels; more than she could ever possibly know.

I have not left the house yet, so I don't feel I'm giving up, but we definitely are not meeting each other's EN's...This is what led to her A in the first place. Everytime she is out of my sight, I fear that she will betray me again. Her words mean nothing to me right now as I now know her as the best liar I have ever encountered.

I am falling to new depths everyday, and am afraid I won't be able to climb out. My W is standing outside of the pit and holding a rope to help pull me out...I just don't know if the rope is legit or made out of tissue paper.

Mjr sounds like it may do you some good to visit a doctor and have him/her prescribe you some anti-depressants. I've taken them and they do not make you stupid or high, or all that other nonsense that people who have never taken them often tell others. Please consider this.

MJR,

Listen to Serenity and Coffeeman. Give it 6 months and go see the doc. Anti-D's were designed for just this sort of situation. You won't need them forever, but for a few months you will.

Your feelings are pretty normal right now. So hang in there. You are about to make an important decision, so do it with all your senses as close to normal as you can. The anti-D's and some more time will help get you to the point of making a decision.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You won't know about the rope until you use it. If you sit in the pit, your life is over. So get yourself together, and grab hold of the rope. When you are out of the pit, you will be able to see well enough to decide which way to go.

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL>>It's hard to grab the rope when the person holding it is the same person that pushed you into the pit to begin with...I understand what you are saying though.

Thanks.

MJR - pssst....perhaps the other person on the other end of the rope is one who has suffered from all the betrayals possible...Jesus Christ.

He won't let you fall if you just hang on.

As for the meds, I am one of "those people" who rarely take any meds....aspirin is about it and even then only when the pain is pretty ugly. But I did get on Welbutrin for about 6 months. There is no way for me to actually explain how emotional trauma and depression has a physical, mental and emotional impact, but it does. The med is mild and will allow you to think clearly without falling into the deeper recesses of the "pit".

Please consider the efficacy of using some meds for the short term. Define short term as you go, it could be 6 or 12 months, but you'll know when you are not being so affected by your thoughts.

God bless.

MJR-

Serenity is an awesome spirit walking on this earth. He has helped me when I needed someone most. Trust me, God sent him to us (JL, Still Seeking, and a few other sages as well)

I was the WP and can try to answer any questions or offer support in any way you need. I was also suicidal and turned to an A to ease my pain. I've done the Anti D route - believe me, it helps...

Your W isn't the one that has to pull on that rope to sustain you...We are holding that rope...and we will be there. Just tie a knot and start climbing...

Kily_MB@hotmail.com. If I'm not on the forum, you can reach me there...

Serenity;

You also spoke to me with your post, and I thank you. Very much...

Mjr;

IMHO, its far to early to think about emotional needs, if you're not ready. You are probably getting a little irritated with all of the emphasis on doing this right now, because its the last thing you want right now. Even if she were the perfect wife right now, the wounds are too fresh and too deep. They CAN heal, but only with time.

For what its worth, I think the advice on taking a six month time-out from major decisions is good.

And please listen to Serenity about the "macho" thing. So many of us guys were raised to never ask for help; that it is a sign of weakness and inferiority. Words can't fight that kind of pressure or upbringing, but if this fits you, please consider that asking for help, and getting it, are part of being human. This was one of the hardest things for me to learn, and I actually started on the path before my wife had her affair.

I look at my father now, and how hard of a time he has communicating and showing his feelings. I had to teach him to say "I Love You," each time we spoke or parted company, and it was very hard for him to accept hugs from me. He does it now without complaint, verbal or physical, but I still am not convinced he really buys into it. I just have to accept that although he may not be able to change, I can choose not to live with that isolation. As the saying goes, no man is an island....unless he chooses to be.

Consider TMCM's advice about some antidepressants. Though I didn't need them long, they helped me calm the raging seas for a while. My stabilizer was Wellbutrin. Just enough to level out for a bit...

And a final note, again for what its worth; The pain and grief you're experiencing speaks to how deeply you feel, which I think is to be admired. With that feeling, please think about this; There is a school of thought that believes the only one who can truly heal a wound is the one who caused it; That any other healing will be incomplete. Speaking only for myself, and the way I feel towards my wife, I believe this is a truism, for me. We each have to decide our own paths and truths...

It's very good to see your posts again....

Jake.