I am the OW, even though I feel like the BS in a way. If people feel that I should not post here, I will understand and work on my own healing elsewhere. I have been divorced 4 years, and have two children.

WS and I met online in May of 2000. We met in person in June, and he asked my children and I to come see fireworks at the Capital in July. Our EMA was consummated later that month. He lived 4 hours from me.

From the beginnins, I knew the EMA was wrong. There was something totally captivating about this man, and I fell very deeply in love quickly. He said that he felt the same way, and we began seeing each other 2 - 3 times a month, usually on weekends, Friday night until Monday.

He began talking to his W about separation. Neither of us wanted her to find out, as we knew it would cause add'l pain as well as make a future R with me more difficult. His father became ill (and died) and her mother was diagnosed with cancer as well. During all of this, WS felt that he could not push the separation as it would be too painful.

He did move out a month after his father died, in November of 2001 (18 months after the affair started).

He got an apartment an hour from his W, and 5 hours from me, but 5 minutes from his job. Our time together escalated. We vacationed as a family, and he spent every minute that he could with us or with me up there (if my children were at their father's). I knew his co-workers. We talked about our wedding, but with no date, as he was looking for a job in my area.

He quit his job in November, and since then, we were practically inseparable. The money got tight, and he became frantic to find another job. The most promising one was in a state FAR away, where I told him I would not go (I can not in good faith remove my children from their dad's lives). He seemed in constant torment about a job, and what to do if he were offered the one far away.

I accessed his email on Wednesday. I discovered that he was already offered the job. He had already accepted it. His WIFE was going to transfer there too. He was starting in September.

Now...the above was to explain the situation. My questions are about him, and his behaviors. I understand that there will be posters who forget what I am asking and just flame me for the rest, and that is ok.

How can a man be able to carry on such a double life? Since January, we have been to Las Vegas, to my family's for Easter, to visit friends in other towns for weekends, to all school activities, and just got back from Disney World with my children. My kids look on this man as a fatherly figure, and everyone has known it was our intention to marry when he found a job in my area. I had not met his family (another country), but he talked to me on the telephone with his mother and told me that he had told his family all about me and the kids.

I told WH Thursday/Friday that he had to tell his W about us, that she did not deserve to be uprooted from her friends and life to move to a frigid state where she would know no one -- all based on a reconciliation that had its entire beginning in lies. He begged for me not to tell her myself, and promised that he would. He said that after he told her, that he would call me so that she and I could talk. I had questions about when and if he did move out, about the D papers that were supposedly signed and ready to be filed, and about when he moved back in.

Apparently, he moved back with her in January, according to her on the telephone last night. She told me emphatically that the EMA is over, and that they were moving on with their lives, and that no more contact was to take place between us. She wanted no details, and told me to move on.

The NC is NOT a problem! I am humiliated beyond belief, devastated, furious, and heart-broken. I truly have no desire to ever see this man again. My kids do not understand why they are not to answer the phone if the ID says it is him, and they are upset when I told him that he was moving away and we would not see him again.

Are there really people in this world who can carry on such duplicitous lives for three years, and totally convince all parties involved with him that he is telling the truth? Does he have a conscious? How can she possibly continue to have him in the room with her, when he has been with me 20 - 25 days a month during their entire reconciliation period? How can anyone lie as well as that - and he very smoothly had me nearly believing more of his lies as late as yesterday afternoon?! His poor wife was furious last night, and I did apologize for my part in hurting her; she wanted no part of that.

After our last year and a half together, I feel almost as though I am the BS instead of the OW. I KNOW that we were not married, but we lived as though we were, and I KNOW that I have no right to compare my feelings to hers (but I am doing it anyway).

Sorry if this is an intrusion, but I am just reeling, and looking for some kind of answers... Thanks.

Let the flameing begin.

First what were you thinking when you decided to have an affair with a married man?? Let me tell you how guys work. Men say what they need to to keep you happy and keep them getting what they want. If your looking for simpathy, you want get any from me. You are no better than a wayward spouse IMO. What happened to your first marriage?

My first marriage? I used to post on MB back then, but I can't access my old posts (Boaz (?) was mod, and was huge amount of help to me then). My XH is an alcoholic with some anger management/violence problems. I tried very hard to get him to read the MB tenets, but he never would. After a year of marriage counselling and singles counselling for me, we separated and divorced.

He has since remarried and had a child.

Stargazegirl :

Read about affairs on this website.And you will see why affairs and the trail of tears that they leave are just not worth it

And then move on, sadder, but wiser. Most people who have been on this board will not be surprised at what happened to you. The stats show that 9 out of 10 affairs do not last. And those that continue are on very thin ice.

Honesty in life is not about what you tell others but how you tell the truth to your self.

You ask how this could happen to you. You are outraged. You knew it was wrong. But, I hope you have gained some new insight.

Best of luck to you.

I've tried to figure out how my WW could carry on her affair with a married friend yet seem totaly into our marriage. Well at least until they were about to get caught.

Don't try and figure out his motive or reasoning it will do you know good and drive you nuts.

I think what you really need to ask yourself is why would you want to continue in a relationship with a man that has obvious moral/character/copping problems. Today you may feel like the BS (though you are clearly the OW) and tommorow if you do continue with this man you will likely become the BS for real.

My sympathy for you is also low but you do seem to understand what your doing is wrong and have some compassion for his wife and family which is a good thing. It sounds to me like you got involved with a married man that prommissed to leave his wife so the two of you could become a new family but he didn't follow through.

You know the right thing is to leave him, protect yourself and children from his behaviour and stop hurting his wife. You are enabaling this mans problems by staying in the picture.

good luck

I can understand being love starved after having been involved in a toxic marriage, and being vulnerable to predators who detect the smell of emotional blood from our wounds. Under those circumstances even the most evil man or woman bearing a smile can become Mr(Ms)Wonderful in our eyes. You've learned a valuable lesson about letting your vulnerabilities get the best of you, I pray that you do everything in your power to avoid doing it again. God bless.

I have NO desire to continue in a R with this man. My shock at these lies is too deep, and so is my hurt. I will stay out of their lives!!

He had moved a lot of his things here, clothes, books, etc, in preparation for moving down here. He had asked to be able to come down to get some of his things and tell my children good-bye, as he felt it was horribly cruel to just drop out of their lives without a single word.

I think that it would be a bad thing for him to come down here. He can live without Hugo Boss, right?

I agree with Too Much Coffee that hopefully you will see this as a strong lesson which it seems you do. The fact that he could be with you and still lie to you and be with his wife says a great deal. He was a cakeman who clearly enjoyed both of his lifes. It is your child that I feel so sorry for. Your child has an emotional attachment to this man and now is hurt by him. You were apparently manipulated by him but it should not have come as a giant surprise since he was a cheater, betrayer and a liar to begin with. Hopefully you will see the merits now of dating an unmarried man in the future. I wish you luck.

Hi, I've been here a long time and the name Boaz had a familiar ring to it.

Though I'm the BS, and went through hell because my H was in a MLC and an EA, I respond to your pain and bewilderment. The literal answer to "how can he?" is that flirting, cheating, and fidelity were not real things to him.

But if you want an answer to the inner workings of his so-called mind and soul, well, I could dissect and you could dissect and you could have endless post-mortems with your girlfriends, but what good would it do to find a definitive answer?

Would it ease your pain? Restore your self-worth? Bring him back to you?

He did what most WS's do, slipped from "innocent" friendship into affair, sat on the fence eating cake. He lied to you. He lied to his wife. Now, post-discovery, he's doing what most WS's do: working on rebuilding his marriage.

But, he's not sincere about that. Wanting to come and pick up his things is a trick to see you again, to let his "feelings" overwhelm him, to have one last Thrill perhaps. Saying goodbye to the kids is not necessary. They'll forget him in time.

The imp in me says Tell him to send his wife for his things. Why not? The two of you have spoken already. She may not know that he's asked for the chance to say bye to the kids. She may not even care if he gets his stuff back. (I'm not saying this to cause her hurt; some BS's meeting the OP helps them find closure.) Give you a chance to meet.

You're familiar with MB principles on how affairs should end. No Contact. Ever. No excuses.

Now, go and get on with the rest of your life. You'll do better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, and do I think he would agree to send his wife to pick up the stuff? ROFL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stargazergirl:
[Q]I am the OW, even though I feel like the BS in a way. [/Q]
Let's be clear, you are in no way the BS in this you are the OW and a partner in his deception. I am not trying to minimize your pain but you have to remember that you had access to information about the exisistance of his wife that she didn't have about you.
If people feel that I should not post here, I will understand and work on my own healing elsewhere.
I think that this is the ideal place for you to post and begin your healing. It will help you be honest about your role in his deception and will help you to confront what allowed you to become involved with a married man (no matter how misunderstood/unappreciated/lonely...yadda yadda he said he was he was still MARRIED). As you know, this group is tough but fair and will hopefully tell you the hard truths and then you can make better choices for you and your children.

WS and I met online in May of 2000. We met in person in June, and he asked my children and I to come see fireworks at the Capital in July. Our EMA was consummated later that month. He lived 4 hours from me.

From the beginnins, I knew the EMA was wrong. There was something totally captivating about this man, and I fell very deeply in love quickly. Just a note: there is always room to be captivating to a woman that hasn't put up with all of your crap, washed your dirty underwear and carried you through years of garbage and "finding yourself". He could show you the best of him beause she was at home holding everything else together while he was off trolling the internet for dates and watching fireworks with you.

How can a man be able to carry on such a double life?
He can do this because he is a liar that has yet to confront his own demons. He can carry on a double life because he wasn't ready to be honest about who HE is. I would also guess that like my husband, he was internally a tourtured soul that until he figures out what he needs to about himself, will be looking for another person to play house with again. The sad part is that instead of taking care of what he needed to with in himself and then within his family he has now involved his wife, friends and family as well as you and your family. So in essence there are probably 25 people invested in your relationship. Pretty scary when you think about things in those terms huh?

Are there really people in this world who can carry on such duplicitous lives for three years, and totally convince all parties involved with him that he is telling the truth? Of course there are and this board is full of them with some very sage advice on how this happened to you. It is also full of their spouses that can remind you how devistating it is to be the spouse of a person like your boyfriend.
Does he have a conscious?
sure he does but it needs some fine tuning. Perhaps it is that conscious that has led him back to his wife and to ending the EMA. But it is also the same conscious that he had when you and he started seeing each other when you knew he was married and at that point not even seperated.
How can she possibly continue to have him in the room with her, when he has been with me 20 - 25 days a month during their entire reconciliation period?
Easy, that is HER husband and she is living by her vows even when he didn't. She is MORE outraged and devistated than you are but she has a marriage at stake here and for whatever reason she is not finished with her marriage. How can she stand him in the room? She straightens her back and holds up her chin and goes to work putting her marriage back on track if she can.

His poor wife was furious last night, and I did apologize for my part in hurting her; she wanted no part of that.

After our last year and a half together, I feel almost as though I am the BS instead of the OW. I KNOW that we were not married, but we lived as though we were, and I KNOW that I have no right to compare my feelings to hers (but I am doing it anyway).
I don't want you to think that I under estimate your pain in this. You had a real relationship although its foundation was built on sand and lies. Your pain is real and only through some hard work in introspection can you heal as well. A breakup is always hard and to feel that you were the victim of such deception is equally difficult.
Sorry if this is an intrusion, but I am just reeling, and looking for some kind of answers... Thanks.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again this is not an intrusion and you are as hurt in your own way as anyone else on this board. But the truth is that you need to understand what allows you to find yourself to be in this situation and address those things. The other big lesson here is that until you REALLY know who you are dealing with leave your children and family out of it. They make emotional investments easily and the price for them becomes too high.

stargazer,

Boaz was still a moderator when I started here a year and a half ago. Please explain something to me. When you were here before and discussed your last marriage....did you somehow miss the pain caused by EMAs??? When you found out this man was married....didn't any of the pain you must have read here register in YOUR mind?

You want to blame this on the duplicity of this man, but you had a choice to protect your own children, or not. You were as duplicitous as he was. You had the choice of protecting everyone involved: your family and his family. You didn't make that choice. You made a selfish and immoral choice and now....its so awful because even the most innocent are paying for this travesty.

You want to vilify him, but how do you escape your own conscience and your own choices? Does this outcome surprise you after all that you read here? It is ordinary and utterly predictable. Why would you make such destructive choices for YOUR life? Both of the men you chose were poison. Who taught you that it was okay to be treated this way? You are as much responsible for your pain as this man is. You are indeed your worst enemy because you had the information and you chose to ignore it.

Would the outcome have been "better" if you had succeeded in marrying this man while in the process it destroyed a marriage, children lives? How can you claim that you were lied to....you were party to every lie. Did you think if he could lie to his wife, that he would be honest with you???? What were YOU thinking?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am not a flamer....not my style, but I think you are displacing the blame here. You are every bit as much to blame....and shame on you, you knew better! You knew what it takes to build a good marriage...you had been here already. Rule number 1.....you don't start out with a partner who's married to someone else!!! Please place your anger where it belongs....firmly on your own shoulders. Examine your own weaknesses....and forget Mr.Wonderful. Figure out what makes you chose the men you do, so you have SOME hope of building a decent and loving marriage. Please. I do care what happens to you.

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

THE question is what you YOU thinking?

You do not mention if this man has any children with his wife.

You say that his wife said that there would be no more contact between the two of you? But there has been.. he wants to get his stuff from you. This guy is going to still try to play his game with you and his wife.

There is a huge danger in his coming to get his things. If he does, the chances of your relationship starting again are VERY high despite your protestations otherwise. On his part it is probably only a ploy to see you and continue the affair. Is his wife even aware that he contacted you for this? I’d bet not… it’s an attempt to restart the affair so I’m sure she does not know.

As I see it you have 3 valid choices here.

1. Throw it all out, then send a note to him and his wife telling them what you have done and that you want no further contact from them. That you will inform his wife of any further attempts to contact you or your children. This is the choice I would take, you owe him nothing. But if you want to be ‘nice’…… there are 2 and 3 below.

2. Rent a storage bin for 1 or 2 months. Put all of his belongings in it and send the key in a letter to him and his wife.

3. Pack it all up and send it to him and his wife.

In all three cases write a letter to him and his wife telling them what you did, where they can get the stuff, that there is to me no further contact with either you or your children, and that you will inform his wife of any further attempts to contact you or your children.

As for telling your children goodbye? Absolutely not. He has already done enough harm. What is he going to say that will make this ok? “Uh, I really care for you and your mother but I lied and cheated? See ya around?” In the first place it would take a man of integrity and character to stand up to your children and tell them what a slime ball he’s been. It will probably be a long time before he matures enough for that, if ever. If you allow him to say good bye to your children, to make some lame excuse about loving them and you and yada yada… it will only serve to teach your children further that they do not deserve the love of a father and that it is ok for anyone to stompeled all over their little hearts.

You have to let them know that beyond doubt, what you and he did to them is inexcusable. That you two were wrong and they, the children, are lovable and deserve better.

I think you need to tell your children exactly what happened. Mommy had a relationship with a married man. It was wrong. He went back to his family where he belongs. He has been lying to us and to his wife and children. But he has to make it right with them. I, your mother, did a terrible thing by having this relationship and letting you get attached to him. I am very sorry for the hurt I have caused you. But he is not a good man or anyone we want in our lives.

If you are wise you will use this experience to learn the hard lessons it carries. Instead of wondering how he could do this, you’d do better to wonder how you could have done it. It’s easy to vilify the him. But in the end, you are the only person you are responsible for.

But to briefly answer your question. How could he do it? Easy, about 50% of all spouses do this at one time or another. In the end 98% of them return to their marriage. And to boot, you made it easy for him to do it. As much as you wonder how he could do it, I also wonder how you could have. How can a person willingly help destroy a family and separate a man from his children? Now there is a question for you to ask yourself.

So it was ok with you while he cheated on his wife and lied to her? But it only became unbelievable when he did it to you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can a man be able to carry on such a double life? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was carrying on a double life from the first time he emailed you. You had no problem with it as long as you thought that you were ‘winning’. Why is that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told WH Thursday/Friday that he had to tell his W about us, that she did not deserve to be uprooted from her friends and life to move to a frigid state where she would know no one -- all based on a reconciliation that had its entire beginning in lies. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How kind of you to worry about his wife at this late date. She does not need your fake concern at this point. Why did you not have any concern for her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The NC is NOT a problem! I am humiliated beyond belief, devastated, furious, and heart-broken. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can only imagine how humiliate his wife is after your total intrusion in her life, trying to take her place in every way. Even at his work place. How awful for her that you and her were that brazen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does he have a conscious?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can she possibly continue to have him in the room with her, when he has been with me 20 - 25 days a month during their entire reconciliation period?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How could you love a man how was cheating on his wife? Even if you were the OW? Is that not the other side of the coin?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His poor wife was furious last night, and I did apologize for my part in hurting her; she wanted no part of that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t blame her. I would not accept an apology either. When an evil act (infidelity is evil IMHO) is committed willingly, openly and with forethought it is sometimes not possible to forgive. Sorry but this is your wrong and she has no responsibility to lift it from you by accepting apology. What are you going to do now to make sure you never go down this path again?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After our last year and a half together, I feel almost as though I am the BS instead of the OW. I KNOW that we were not married, but we lived as though we were, and I KNOW that I have no right to compare my feelings to hers (but I am doing it anyway).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is your fantasy. You are not the BS. Remember, you are the OW, the one who helped break up his marriage. You are right, you have no right to compare your feelings to hers. You were not married to this man but fooled yourself into believing this charade you helped to create. Why would you put yourself and your children in harms way like this? To be used?

You really have to look in your self for the answers here.

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

I have news for you. I know a couple of guys just like the one you described. They are amazing in their ability to manipulate women right up to the point of promising marriage, then they always make up with the wife at the last moment. One average looking mail carrier has busted up at least three marriages - but never his own. His wife knows about at least two but if you see them out together you will never guess it. Even she knows the tricks and she will probably always get him back rather than lose her financial security. Another actually managed to break up his first marriage but has been married 9 or so years to wife number 2, who was not one of his affairs.

These guys are players. If you land one of them you are only a temporary stop anyway. They are always looking for a little trace of blood in the water and when they find it they will land another victim.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They are amazing in their ability to manipulate women right up to the point of promising marriage, then they always make up with the wife at the last moment.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement assumes that the women were victims and had nothing to do with the ‘game’. The only time an OW (or any OP) is a victim is when they truly do not know that the MM (MP) is not single. Generally even in those cases the warnings were loud and clear but the OP choose to ignore them.

If there were not women willing to have affairs with this guy, he would not have affairs. The blame goes to both the MM and the OW. She is not a victim.

Someone like Stargazergirl, who seems to always end up with guys like her ex and this one do not choose the guy. The guy chooses them. I was told once that people who are abusive (lying is IMHO a form of abuse when it takes on this magnitude) chooses someone by slowing testing the boundaries of many women. They will slowly eliminate the ones who have good boundaries, until the one (or ones) with the least and weakest boundaries are remaining. A woman with strong boundaries would have never even emailed him or met him in person.

That is Stargazergirl’s participation and cooperation in all of this. She just kept allowing him to cross the boundaries that should have been there. And she crossed them with him. People who do this have a very uncanny ability to not see that which is staring them in the face… to make excuses for the other person. Besides the rule of never, ever, seeing a married person. Another very good boundary is that as soon as we start to make excuses for another person, it is time to pull back. There is a problem.

I know how this works. Been there, done that. I’ve learned that if I’m taken advantage of and/or abused, after the first instance it is my responsibility. If I allow the other person to continue the abuse and bad behavior then it’s no longer abuse or deceit. It is then participatory.

A WS is by definition lying and abusive. So if you have a relationship with a liar and an abuser, expect to be lied to and abused. And since you are participating, do not then cry that you are a victim.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Zorweb is exactly right! It makes my skin crawl to hear the whining about what the confirmed liar/cheater/deceiver/adulterer did to you when you were an accomplice and willing partner to the crime. It wasn't so baffling that he could be such a sneak and a cheat as long as he was honest with you? Absurd! I applaud you Star for even posting this knowing that you would probably hear just this. But remember that this information is to serve two purposes first to help you see the REAL affects of your CHOICES for you, this loser's wife and family and your family. It is also to perhaps save the next family of the next poor misunderstood/undersexed/unappreciated/unloved (the list of canned excuses goes on and on) that comes along your way.

Star what I think you haven't considered is that this guy was just as abusive in his way to his wife as your ex was to you. So how would you feel if your ex had some woman standing there while he abused you? Or better yet she held your arms while he punched you. Would you be the least bit interested in her apology ONLY given to you once he started kicking her a$$? No. Well it is the exact same thing that you and he did to that woman. Abuse is abuse whatever the form. I think if enough OP viewed their actions in these relationships as the abuse that they are more of them would stop being partners in the crime.

Zorweb:

Your suggestions about the guy's stuff were much better than mine. I was too flippant. I was much more sensitive when the raw pain of betrayal was new.

" On his part it is probably only a ploy to see you and continue the affair. Is his wife even aware that he contacted you for this? I’d bet not… it’s an attempt to restart the affair so I’m sure she does not know.

As I see it you have 3 valid choices here.

1. Throw it all out, then send a note to him and his wife telling them what you have done and that you want no further contact from them. That you will inform his wife of any further attempts to contact you or your children. This is the choice I would take, you owe him nothing. But if you want to be ‘nice’…… there are 2 and 3 below.

2. Rent a storage bin for 1 or 2 months. Put all of his belongings in it and send the key in a letter to him and his wife.

3. Pack it all up and send it to him and his wife.

In all three cases write a letter to him and his wife telling them what you did, where they can get the stuff, that there is to me no further contact with either you or your children, and that you will inform his wife of any further attempts to contact you or your children."

I take back my so-called advice. Your advice is how it should be done.

Backing off, .....

By the way, as for his "things" I would send him a box of ashes and a sympathy card for the cremation of his stuff...lol just kidding (sort of). I most certainly would not incur a dime of debt for a storage unit or anything else for him. I would possibly consider sending the stuff to him postage due but as for meeting him or letting him come ANYWHERE near me or my children the answer would be a resounding no! But I have a gut feeling you aren't done talking to him and wouldn't be surprised if you haven't been in contact with him already. You seem to need some more opportunity to get hurt under the guise of "closure". Stop looking for answers from him and look for them from yourself. Once you do that his answers will not only not matter they won't even make sense.

I can only speak from my own experience. My H had numerous affairs in the span of 12 years. I found out only because the last one confronted me and told me all about it, with pictures of their trist to prove it! I was devistated and that is an understatement! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I was put on anti-depressants because of panic attacks. My husband cried and begged for my forgivness and was also put on anti-depressants because of intense guilt over seeing me suffer. It was a very low point in my life, my self esteem was non-existant, I lost the will to go on and suddenly I found myself being pursued by a friend of a friend, a married man. I was sick, and I gave in. He was sick too and that is the only reason we were attracted to each other. I am sickened by what I did, and now this other family is suffering as well, and my H continues to suffer for what he did as well as what I did. The moral of the story? Sick people are attracted to sick people. Get healthy and you will see people in a new light.