Hope - just wanted to see how you were doing....been following your thread, and am so glad that she is beginning to see the light. I also echo 1293 in that I hope she sees what a caring H you are - expecially under the circumstances!

Hope things are getting better for you two....

Everything reminds me of her affair. Movies, TV shows, everyday conversations with people. Friday night we went to a comedy club to try to have some fun together. Some of the jokes were about cheating.

On the way home she started talking about some friends of ours and how one of them doesn’t treat the other right. I lost it. I unleashed five weeks of anger and frustration on her. Pulled over to the side of the road and told her to get the f*** out of the car. Screamed and yelled at her, pounded the steering wheel, then realized I didn’t really want to leave her on the side of the road and then drove us home in silence. Got home and I just wanted to go to bed. She started going off about how she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t control their emotions and I blew up again. Told her everything I was feeling. How I felt unloved and unappreciated and how I didn’t think she was trying hard enough and every time I looked at her I just felt pain and I didn’t want to look at her anymore and I wanted her to get the f*** out of the house. After a lot of screaming and yelling, I realized we were both too drunk for this conversation and she was too drunk and tired to drive anywhere, so I told her to sleep in the guest bedroom and we would talk in the morning. So, I go to bed and lock the bedroom door. About half an hour later, she bangs on the door wanting to know where her car keys are. We’re both screaming at each other through the door and after both of us banging on the door and kicking it, the door came off the hinges. I gave her the keys minus the house key and she went off about how I have no right to take away her house key. I told her, “You have no rights, you lost all your rights when you cheated on me”, etc. etc. Next thing, I know the sun is coming up and we are both physically and emotionally exhausted. We both crashed out for 12 hours.

When we got up I thought this is it. I just wanted her to pack up her s** and leave. Then she told me last night I really scared her and made her feel unsafe. She told me one of the things she loved about me was I always made her feel safe, but after last night she was scared to be with me. I told her I had a lot of anger and frustration built up and I’m sorry I unleashed it on her, but I did because I didn’t think she was making much of an effort. She said she loved me and was trying to show me she loved me and was sorry if it wasn’t enough for me. She says everyday, she makes a choice to stay with me and that is how I should know she loves me.

So, once again, I try to put all this behind me. The rest of the weekend was actually okay. We spent a lot of time together and she seemed to be making an effort although it seems forced. I’m so sick of this. I still love her, but my love has decreased so much, I don’t want to put up with any of her s*** anymore. I guess we are in recovery now, but I don’t know if it's worth all the effort and trouble.

This will probably be my last post here. The past few weeks here have just depressed me more.

I want to thank you for your concern. I wish you the best for you and your H.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>

Hope, please don't go. If you do, at least check back every once in a while....I would hate to see you give up. Your W is very lucky to have someone like you...

I admit I was wondering what happens in the opposite of my situation (when BS finds out and has to Plan A) with the anger. Advice to me from so many people is to just take it. You, my H, and other BSs need to let your feelings out. After all, it is us (the WSs) who have hurt you so much - and then laid it all in on you at once. Tell her that when you get angry like that, you are talking with your emotions at the time....that you have been hurt to the core - she has destroyed your very being - your identity. And while you want to save the marriage, there will be times when you need to let your anger out. Her best bet is to ride it out.

At least, that's what some other people here and my H have told me. Nobody is perfect, and while I know you don't want to give her reason to go back to OM, you will also not always be the "perfect" person. Yes, you unleashed on her, yes you pounded the steering wheel. Did you pound her, NO! You BOTH kicked and hit the door. It's not about blame.......

Just out of curiosity, does she understand the degree to which she has hurt you? Does she understand that she has destroyed who you were, and that you are going to have to rebuild yourseslf as well? Or is she (or you both) trying to move past it too quickly? It seems from her responses that she is almost in the "let's just get over it" mode...

One thought - if you do decide to post again, maybe post in recovery. I made the mistake of posting there in the first place, and I am really glad. Instead of having others with the same feelings reply (which is depressing), I have people further along who are able to give insight and knowledge rather than just "feelings of betrayal." It has been so valuable. Also, you may want to read some of the latest responses in my thread "I think I've lost him." It addresses the decreasing feelings of love....apparently normal and necessary for rebuilding. (You and my H are very much in the same place).

I know about the triggers, oddly enough. I haven't been able to watch TV really since this whole thing. My H will watch, and everytime I hear something about sex, love, etc, it makes me ill. Wierd for the WS, huh? But so it is. It has to be true what they say - that time is our friend. Tell your W to hang in there - you too. There will be rough times-it's not supposed to be good right now. But you can make it. D is not an answer....I am reading Divorce Remedy now, and they say that 60% of 2nd marriages fail....Who would have thought. Try to hold onto each other if at least you still have love. Good luck.

During the time I was still with my XW and experiencing the nightmare of her ongoing affairs, one of the best ways I discovered to release the anger was running until exhaustion. I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the endorphins or the combination of both but it helped me tremendously, and I got into the best shape of my life (my XW noticed the changes in my physique and she started cussing me that I was cheating on her, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> talk about fog). At night I couldn't go out to run because I was taking care of my daughters but I would do push ups, leg presses with my 27 inch tv, crunches, etc until my muscles screamed 'NO MORE'. The funny thing was that I started to get compliments from female acquaintances (some were very nice looking) which were a great boost for my poor, battered male ego, including one proposition from a female co-worker (no I did not take her up on her offer but I did give her a beautiful bouquet of pink roses with a card that said 'Thank You'). So don't scoff at the power of exercise to help you weather this emotional upheaval.

Hi everyone. I took a week off from the forum since it was depressing me thinking about my wife's affair everyday. It's been 6 weeks since d-day, so I'm not going to post in "Just Found Out" anymore. Look for me "In Recovery."

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>