Well it has been awhile since I have written but a lot has happened. Where to start well basically I had a huge buster. Basically here is what has happened, we have been going through mc for the last few months all the while my ww has been seeing the OM. She went to San Fran with him this past weekend & I just snapped I am very angry with her. I let her know in our last MC session that I was pretty much done. We had planned on going to her parents cabin this past weekend, & I told her that I was no longer going. We discussed doing something on our anniversary which is Aug 8. This was just prior to her going to San Fran. When I found out that she went to San Fran, I told her that I got our anniversary off, but that at this time I want nothing to do with her on our anniversary.

At his point I am ready to be done with her, I mean we have no ties to each other, no kids. How long do I wait for her to make up her mind. She told me, in the heat of a discussing that her & the OM have decided to take a break from each other so that she can be alone & think clearly. What in the hell does that mean. I mean how am I supposed to take that. I take it as though they are not completly through, I do not know.

It has just been a very bad couple of weeks I guess, & I needed to place to vent & get ideas from people who have faith in that this maybe can be saved. People that I talk to about just say RUN...she is the DEVIL.....She doesn't want to come back, ect....

One more thing that I did was we were talking yesterday on the phone & she told me that she was hurting very much, & I made the comment that I felt that yes she might be hurting but that I truly do not believe she is hurting when she is lyeing in bed with the OM, & when she is traveling with him, etc... Probably another buster but I reached a point where I could not take it anymore. The only good thing is that I did not raise my voice at her. I was very calm & collected when I did it.

Any encouragement,ideas or suggestions would be great.

It may be time for you to go to Plan B.

Ditto on that coffeman. That feeling of being "done" means that it's time to protect the love you have left. Plus! It's sounds like she's waffling with the OM. Remember this quote:

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

I agree, Plan B sounds good at this point for you

Thank you for your advice....I am going to the counsolr by myself tomorrow. My wife is at home with her family & said that she needs to be with them. I agreed with her. Her mom & I had a couple of pretty good talks the last week. She (her mom) is fully aware of the affair & is finally seeing my point of view on things. (again this is what she is telling me & I take with a grain of salt. Since I know that blood is thicker than marraige) She was looking forward to having my wife at home to talk about stuff. Who knows.....

I guess how do I do plan B. I know that it is no contact, but we are in the process of moving out of our place, & she still helps with some of the bills. How do we work that all out.

Talking to her mom, she asked me two good questions that I am trying to work on. #1 Will this event be used against her later on in life? ie held over her head. #2 Will you beable to trust her again, especially with your job? That one I answered with a I do not know. I also said that I would at least like to be able to give it a chance. I thought that they were both very fair questions & this is from her mother who indicates to me that she would like to see us work it out. However....right now I just do not see that happening. I do not know if I can get past the A especially with my job that will be a tough one. Unfortunatly I love what I do & am unwilling to quit my job, because to me I do not look at as a job. I have fun, I love what I do, & my wife knew all about it before we got married. I know that may sound selfish, but that is how I feel.

Well I am going to take a break from packing & reading, and am going to go & workout. I will write later. Again thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" Unfortunatly I love what I do & am unwilling to quit my job, because to me I do not look at as a job. I have fun, I love what I do, & my wife knew all about it before we got married. I know that may sound selfish, but that is how I feel. "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's great that you enjoy your job but if you put it ahead of her then why are you surprised that your W is undecided about staying married to you? Your statement is tantamount to saying 'If I had to decide between saving my W's life and saving my job, I would save my job without hesitation'. I beleive you may want to do some soul searching as to why you really want to save your marriage.

TooMuchCoffeeMan...

I may have come across that I have always put my job ahead of my wife. This is not the case. I do travel a lot for my job. It kinnda comes with the job description of being a airline pilot. However, when I am off I am off. No work brought home, no being gone for 3 days & then having going back to work. I usually get about 12-16 days off per month. I would spend as much time with her when I was home, because I new that she missed me, but I also missed her. We would talk at least 3 to 4 times per day when I was on the road. I would always call her before I went to bed to say goodnight, etc... She always new when I was leaving & when I would be home. I made sure that she was invovled in the bidding process every month so that I could try & get off days that she needed me to be off.

So I guess what I am saying is that I have always tried to be there for her when I can be & I even try to be there for her even when I can't. I guess I sould have stated all of this first. If I came across as though I have put my job first then my wife I do appologize, becuase that just isn't the case.

LostPilot

The thing is... that everything we do in marriage affects how our spouse feels and how s/he feels about us. So although YOU may think you are doing a good job of balancing career and wife... SHE may feel quite differently. If our marriages are going to be sucessful and fulfilling then we need to make all our decisions... including career... in a way that is good for both partners at the same time.

I know this is an issue we've touched on very briefly before and I know you said that this was a job you love and that she knew that when she married you and therefore she needs to live with it.

Frankly, that's not a valid reason for continuing to do anything. I may love partying and going out every weekend. And that may work for my husband when we get married. But at some point he may decide that that particular lifestyle just doesn't fit anymore. I can choose to accomodate his feelings and find some other recreation that works for both of us, or I can put my desire for fun my way ahead of his feelings and get what I want at his expense.

The quote from Dr. Harley in my signature line pretty much says it, When someone says they can't follow the POJA, what they are really saying is that what they want to do is more important than how you, the spouse, feels.

Although infidelity is a far weightier issue it falls into the same category of love buster... independent behavior. Doing things that are good for you and bad for your spouse.

Although I agree you're pretty close to Plan B... as long as the career issue has not been adequately addressed you really have not done a very good Plan A.

C

So .. I guess I am confused a little bit. & maybe I haven't been very clear with what has been going on. I belive in my heart that my wife has only been using my job as an excuss to be with the OM. We have other issues that need to be worked on. To get back to my job, am I supposed to quit my job, which has been a passon of mine, & that I have 100% included my wife in the decesions for my jobs & carreer. I mean I could be home almost every night, assuming that I am not in any type of leagues or something for a few hours. Or be home for 24hrs a day anywhere from 13 to 16 days a month. I am not saying that I would put my job in front of my wife, but she has even said that if I quit I would be a miserable person to live with. I mean I am willing to follow the POJA, & like the book surviving an affair suggested, when you do have to travel that you come up with times to talk & talk serveral times a day. I have always done that, or at least I thought I was. It was kinnda funny that once she found the OM all of a sudden my phone calls & talking to her several times a day became controlling & I no longer trusted her ect...(these are her words) I guess I do not look at my job as the only or major cause in all of this. The biggest problem I see is a communication problem. It really doesn't matter right now anyways because we have just been spinning our wheels in MC & have really gotten nowhere. I guess I am so confused, I am an airline pilot that gets more time off than the normal average person, I tried to be there all the time for her, even when I couldn't be there for her in person I spent hours on the phone with her...listening to her talk about her bad day, or whatever we talked about. I am going to counsuling tomorrow We will see what happens.

LP don't get us wrong, and beleive that we are trying to blame you. No, what we are trying to make you aware of is an issue that MIGHT have been a contributing factor in creating the environment that made her A possible. Nobody wants you to quit your job but if your W does decide to end all contact with the OM and recommit to a marital recovery plan, then this issue of you being away for days and how she really is affected by it, will have to be addressed.

That makes sense too me. I would be willing to entertain some possibly solution that her & I could come up with. Thanks

LP

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<small>[ July 22, 2003, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

LP.... a little less frazzled today and hopefully a little less blunt as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I belive in my heart that my wife has only been using my job as an excuss to be with the OM.

I'm sure she has. And there is no excuse for an A. But the things that the WS uses as an exuse do give some valuable insights into what needs to be done.

The time that you are spending away from home at your job is one of the conditions that allows the affair to flourish. The time away may also be a contributing factor to what led to the A. No no!!! Not blaming you.... of course not.... but we need to look at what her issues were in the M and address those. It's part of what Plan A is about.

Experts in the marriage saving/fixing industry agree that possibly the biggest contributor to marital failure is that couples do not spend enough time together. In order for husbands and wives to maintain an intimate connection they need to be together.... giving each other their undivided attention and meeting each others most important emotional needs. It seems that women need that to happen more often than men if they are going to stay connected to their husbands.

To get back to my job, am I supposed to quit my job, which has been a passon of mine, & that I have 100% included my wife in the decesions for my jobs & carreer.

It is possible that you will need to choose between your job and your marriage, yes. Many husbands and wives believe as you do, that they included their spouse in the decisions about the job, only to find out later that the spouse agreed with or went along with decisions that they felt they had no real choice in the matter. Grudging or reluctant or even so-so agreement will get you into trouble every time.

I mean I could be home almost every night, assuming that I am not in any type of leagues or something for a few hours. Or be home for 24hrs a day anywhere from 13 to 16 days a month.

Ok, I could live with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> How many nights would you have to be away? Or... how long at a stretch?

I am not saying that I would put my job in front of my wife, but she has even said that if I quit I would be a miserable person to live with.

That's a differnt subject.... can we hold off on it for today?

I mean I am willing to follow the POJA, & like the book surviving an affair suggested, when you do have to travel that you come up with times to talk & talk serveral times a day.

But that's a worst case, if you must, absolutely cannot avoid travel scenario. Not a first choice go ahead and do it sort of thing.

I have always done that, or at least I thought I was. It was kinnda funny that once she found the OM all of a sudden my phone calls & talking to her several times a day became controlling & I no longer trusted her ect...(these are her words)

So at the time that A started what was the travel schedule?

And what was it like before that? More? Less?

I guess I do not look at my job as the only or major cause in all of this.

Perhaps not, but it will be a huge issue in recovery.

The biggest problem I see is a communication problem.

What specifically? That's a pretty broad category.

How did the counseling go? I really do think you're about at the Plan B point. If she knows that you're willing to do what it takes to make the marriage good for both of you and she is still seeing this guy then it's time.

C

And how are you doing? How was the weekend? The counseling?