I have questions regarding "perfectionism" for any and all who have dealt with it personally and for those whose lives were affected by it.
1) What was the trigger that helped whomever recognize that they were a "perfectionist" and their life needed to change?
2) What with in them helped to conquer the beast?
3) What outside influences helped?

I'm not a perfectionist, usually. Well, I guess I am with my needlework but not much else. But anyway, in counseling I read a book called When I Relax I Feel Guilty. It really helped me. you may be able to find an old copy, perhaps thru amazon? It's no longer in print. It's not specifically for perfectionism, but it sure helped me to see what was important. It's Christian in nature. Good luck

The thing that made me see it was reading the book "Wild At Heart", and reflecting on my relationship with my sons. As for solving it - er...I just discovered it a few weeks ago. Habits take time to change.

According to my therapist whom I adore, perfectionism is the result of a childhood wound. In my case, my home life was very unstable with an alcoholic father that was verbally, sexually and physically abuse. His anger was very unpredictable and therefore my strategy (personality) was to be perfect and because of that not invoke his anger. It didn't really work of course, but children will keep trying anyway! Perfectionists have learned somewhere along the line that they have to "do" in order to be loved. They often don't believe that they are lovable just the way they are and just because the "are". They think that people love them for what they do, including loving themselves for what they do instead of who they are. This focus also leads them to the conclusion that they are inherently flawed and not lovable for who they are. They don't believe that their actions are flawed, they believe that THEY are flawed. Thus the perfectionist becomes a perfectionist.

They (we, I) also have a problem with shame. They feel that if they are flawed then they should be ashamed for just being who they are. They bear a great deal of shame and don't even know why. It is different from guilt, because they go out of their way not to DO anything that would make them feel guilt (again, thus the perfectionism). It is simply a shame for being themselves...flawed and unlovable. Sometimes it is an inherited shame from their parents. Sometimes it is an exaggerated shame over something they think about themselves. For example, Type Ones in the Enneagram are the Perfectionists. They feel that their sensuality is somehow sinful or wrong...even in the context of marriage! They feel that they are wrong for feeling sensual so they suppress their sensuality. They might also feel that it is wrong to feel the darker emotions, like anger, so they suppress it and refuse to feel it. This creates toxic shame . It is shame based on who we are instead of what we have done.

To heal this toxic shame you begin by recognizing that you have this tendency. Once you recognize it, whenever it comes up, stay with it and get real about it. Am I feeling this way because I actually did something or is it for no real reason at all? If I did something to someone, I can apologize. If I didn't, then I need to remind myself that I am lovable for who I am. I need to talk myself out of feeling the way that I am just as I would a good friend if she were condeming herself. I need to ask myself if it is reasonable to feel the way that I'm feeling instead of just going with the instinct to feel the shame. Another thing that is supposed to help a great deal is group therapy or facilitation.

That's as far as I am in the understanding of this. I know that I used to not be able to look people in the eye when they were talking to me or I to them and now I do it without even thinking about it. In the grocery store I can look in my pocket or purse for my list or keys without thinking that they are going to come and see if I shop-lifted anything! When I feel sensuous, I accept as a gift from God instead of something to feel guilty or bad about. When I want to have sex with my H I can tell him now and reach out to him. This has been quite a big thing in my life. The sad part is that I am a very honest person and had no reasonable reason to think that there was anything I was doing wrong in the first place.

Children don't have the tools to deal with feeling shame properly. When it is placed on them too early, they learn to feel it deeply, but they don't learn how to handle it in a healthy way. They aren't capable of separating their very being from whatever it is that they have done "wrong". They end up feeling that THEY are just WRONG, instead of what they did or didn't do. I think that this is where this awful cycle might begin for many people. They carry this with them forever unless it is healed somehow.

Shame is a good thing to feel when you have done something or headed toward something that is not right. It leads you back to your true path if you listen to it. It keeps you in integrity. Toxic shame on the other hand is devastating.

Take care!

Stillwed

P.S. Try the test in my signature line to see if you fit the Enneagram's Type One Perfectionist. Whatever type you turn out to be you will learn a great deal about yourself and how to become more emotionally healthy.

I might add this: A perfectionist tends to be judgemental toward others. It is not meant to cause harm, although it inevitably does. The reality is that they are so critical of THEMSELVES that they just can't turn off that internal critic and it works overtime, spilling out onto everyone around them. This is a very unhealthy place to be, but it's very real and hard to change. The Enneagram is very helpful for changing this.

Also, Type Ones sometimes sabbotage the intimacy that they crave and yet are afraid to receive by being critical of their spouse or loved one. It's sad, but true. I am on the lookout for that one in our relationship. My H on the other hand is a Type Four and he has the same unhealthy fear of and desire for true intimacy. His type tends to spiral into feeling so sorry for themselves and lashing out about their needs not being met that everyone runs from them instead of trying to help them. Not a very effective strategy....lol!

Stillwed

still,
i am looking into this trying to understand my H better.
(i am typing w/ baby fiddle in my lap, please forgive)
your post is informative.
i always appreciate your input.
pooh is helping me, argh!
gotta put wiggle puss down.

I think a perfectionist is in there genes also. I noticed this is my son. At the age of two when he was building blocks, he was not satisfied unless every block lined up perfectly on top of the other block. Also, he wanted his toys perfect. At times he became upset with a small mar on them b/c then they were not perfect. Now, at the age of 23, and an officer in the AirForce, I don't see too much of this anymore, though I am not constantly with him every moment either. I think though that he has eased up on himself in that regards. As a teenager sometimes he would become upset if there was just a small stain on clothes hardly noticeable to anyone but him.

I, as a perfectionist have feelings that if I can't have all of something I don't want it. That's what made my recovery hard. I wanted all of my H not sharehim and felt H's infidelities gave a part of him away that should have been only mine. It was hard to me to accept even though he was now flawed, he was still what I wanted. Any thoughts on this?

Will love help me to understand how my H could even think about cheating on me. I was thinking it was going to be Love that kept him a faithful H! I love my H and it's going to be hard for me to even think about how or if I can forgive him. It's only been two days since I found out and at the moment I HATE what he's done to me, our 2 children and our marriage!