Originally Posted July 18, 2003 in EN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need help with this one.
First, "unless there are photos, you can't prove anyone had an affair" says my H.
Okay, Fine. so lets tackle the question of EAs. It can be proven that H has had EAs, and still does. I don't want to PROVE to H that he has had EAs, I just want to know how I can discuss the damaging affects his EAs have on our marriage. AND we all know that a EA often leads to a PA. His have, but first things first.
1). I need another term for Emotional Affair that better works for a spouse who is a FOG and denial of responcibility. I don't want to sound nagging, I don't want to sound clingy, I don't want to sound too demanding. I don't want to sound insecure.
2). How do I point out, gently, to a FOG bound spouse, that these females that he chooses to get too attached to "emotionally" are trouble. Each is needy as far as men are concerned. Each is selfish, each is going downhill fast. I personally know these women, past and present, through different situations. I have since chosen not to be their "friends" because they are so draining. Each is slanderous and will enable his insecurities of the marriage for personal gain.
3). How do I emphasize to my H that his "care and concern" for these women takes from our marriage as he often puts their needs and feelings above that of the marriage and me. I will give examples if asked.
I would appreciate any and all help on this one. My H is presently back sliding and has with held the facts that he has been in contact with two of his past EAs. He recently mentioned and eluded to the two in a manner that suggested more than business.

The book Torn Asunder does a great job of discussing emotional affairs. If you haven't read it, it's the best book I've read on adultery. I wish you luck. My H's EA quickly turned PA, but he lied about it for years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ndfiddle:
<strong>Originally Posted July 18, 2003 in EN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need help with this one.
1). I need another term for Emotional Affair that better works for a spouse who is a FOG and denial of responcibility. *HOW ABOUT "THEFT FROM YOUR MATE" FOR BEGINNERS? HE IS STEALING EMOTIONAL SECURITY AND DEPOSITING LOVE UNITS INTO THAT OTHER PERSON'S BANK INSTEAD OF YOURS. THOSE DEPOSITS ARE YOURS BY RIGHT FROM YOUR SACRED WEDDING VOWS. THAT IS OUTRIGHT THEFT. DR. HARLEY COVERS THAT IN HIS BOOK AND ALSO ON THIS SITE.**
2). How do I point out, gently, to a FOG bound spouse, that these females that he chooses to get too attached to "emotionally" are trouble. **WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF YOU TOLD HIM YOU HAVE THIS DEAR FRIEND - REALLY SWEET AND O HE JUST LISTENS TO EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND HE'S SO KIND AND WONDERFUL! WHAT, TELL ME, WHAT WOULD HE DO THEN??? MIGHT WAKE HIM UP AND MAKE HIM THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING TO YOU!** </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope this helps somewhat. Sometimes, erring spouses have to be SHOWN by 'show and tell' just how STOOPIT and SELFISH they are being. Your hubby's head still has not cleared from the fog yet. The 'dear friend' could just be someone you conjured up in your mind - the point is that you could use it to give him a FIRST HAND example of how it might feel if you were to do that to him - he doesn't have to know it's a fake at first at least not until your conversation has ended.
I remember I had to do that once with my (now EX) wife about how she would talk down to me and be so hateful to me all the time - well I did it to her once and Lord, she couldn't take it. She got so mad it was almost frightening. I guess slamming the brakes on when you're driving 60 MPH down a snow-covered road can be a bit disquieting! Screaming at me to get out of the car and walk home 10 miles in subzero weather was a sign of her CHILDISHNESS. But I got my point across to her very well...
Harold

Shirley Glass' new book *Not Just Friends* deals with this subject in depth. Though if your husband has got it firmly embedded in his head that he didn't do anything wrong and neither did the women, as mine does, there is nothing I know of that will help that. I sure wish I knew what to do about that. There is just no cure for a complete and total lack of empathy and an iron determination to protect the women involved, even it that means the BS has to rot in hell.

If you ever find a way to get through, let me know.

I sure will pass on the info, when I get it myself.
sticky issue, ain't it?
"but I haven't done anything wrong!"

I hope I can help. I have a H who had an EA...with my sister. Yeah, nice.
Anyway, H was in a FOG too. He thought they were just friends, and friends do things for friends...they lean on each other, they help each other.

I had to point out how she always complained constantly about her H, and how she said he wouldn't do this or that...and always asked my H to do the repairs...and then her H was surprised it was done. As if she had never pointed out that it needed to be done...oh, she hadn't.

Anyway, it took about a year to get through to H that she wanted more. I cried, I tried. His pat answer was there was nothing going on, so it's not an affair, and for me to get over it. Not talk about it. Shut up...you know, the classic it's all my fault.

Funny, during the EA, he told everyone what a total ***** I was. I finally got through to him that my *****iness was a reflection of the way he was treating me.

I digress...
there is no term for what you need to describe to your H. You need to sit him down and point out what it is that makes you unhappy with what he's doing. You need to find out why he needs another woman in his life, and see what it is you can do to make him happy so he won't need to turn to other women for happiness.

I know, it sounds like it's your fault if you do that. It's not, it's just you finding out how to help make things better.

When I finally relented and did this, I found out that the problem was that I gave so much attention to our kids, and he was feeling like he wasn't important to me. Okay, so get over it...right? I thought he should. The kids were 11 and 9, and younger, and needed a mommy and a daddy. They NEED someone, and I thought he should understand that. But he didn't. So, what I did was pour myself on him.
I made more time for H. Even though I knew in my head that he was thinking of HER, I had to bite the bullet and MAKE him think about me instead.
I was physically sick to my stomach about having to go near him when he made me so angry. But I did it anyway, because I wanted to save my marriage.
In a short amount of time, I started inviting him to spend all his spare time with me and with the kids. We started getting sitters so we could go out without the kids. I held his hand. I made the first move many times.
Eventually, as time went on, he started seeing me as a good person, and needed her less. As he needed her less, he saw through her. Believe me when I tell you she had such a grip on him, and she has made our lives miserable since. No one in my family will talk to me now. She ended up divorced, because, as things go, her H found out that she had actually been cheating on him for 14 years.
My H finally saw that too, and regrets any involvement with her. He has finally apologized, and we have made amends. We are closer now than ever, and H no longer feels the need to have any other woman around him.
We play more together, we talk more, we make the kids go to bed earlier so we can have US time each night. We go on dates, we make sure to spend time together.

It takes two. You will have to be the bigger person. Talking won't stop him from needing this. You have to give him what's missing if you want him to want you and you alone.

Good luck.
Been There, Done That.

I hope I can help. I have a H who had an EA...with my sister. Yeah, nice.
Anyway, H was in a FOG too. He thought they were just friends, and friends do things for friends...they lean on each other, they help each other.

I had to point out how she always complained constantly about her H, and how she said he wouldn't do this or that...and always asked my H to do the repairs...and then her H was surprised it was done. As if she had never pointed out that it needed to be done...oh, she hadn't.

Anyway, it took about a year to get through to H that she wanted more. I cried, I tried. His pat answer was there was nothing going on, so it's not an affair, and for me to get over it. Not talk about it. Shut up...you know, the classic it's all my fault.

Funny, during the EA, he told everyone what a total ***** I was. I finally got through to him that my *****iness was a reflection of the way he was treating me.

I digress...
there is no term for what you need to describe to your H. You need to sit him down and point out what it is that makes you unhappy with what he's doing. You need to find out why he needs another woman in his life, and see what it is you can do to make him happy so he won't need to turn to other women for happiness.

I know, it sounds like it's your fault if you do that. It's not, it's just you finding out how to help make things better.

When I finally relented and did this, I found out that the problem was that I gave so much attention to our kids, and he was feeling like he wasn't important to me. Okay, so get over it...right? I thought he should. The kids were 11 and 9, and younger, and needed a mommy and a daddy. They NEED someone, and I thought he should understand that. But he didn't. So, what I did was pour myself on him.
I made more time for H. Even though I knew in my head that he was thinking of HER, I had to bite the bullet and MAKE him think about me instead.
I was physically sick to my stomach about having to go near him when he made me so angry. But I did it anyway, because I wanted to save my marriage.
In a short amount of time, I started inviting him to spend all his spare time with me and with the kids. We started getting sitters so we could go out without the kids. I held his hand. I made the first move many times.
Eventually, as time went on, he started seeing me as a good person, and needed her less. As he needed her less, he saw through her. Believe me when I tell you she had such a grip on him, and she has made our lives miserable since. No one in my family will talk to me now. She ended up divorced, because, as things go, her H found out that she had actually been cheating on him for 14 years.
My H finally saw that too, and regrets any involvement with her. He has finally apologized, and we have made amends. We are closer now than ever, and H no longer feels the need to have any other woman around him.
We play more together, we talk more, we make the kids go to bed earlier so we can have US time each night. We go on dates, we make sure to spend time together.

It takes two. You will have to be the bigger person. Talking won't stop him from needing this. You have to give him what's missing if you want him to want you and you alone.

Good luck.
Been There, Done That.