I need input on what to do:

Brief summery of last month:

Together 12 years – best friends and lovers for all but the last 2 when we started drifting apart. He said there wasn’t enough sex and I said he worked all the time. I haven’t done a good job in the last few years so I acknowledge my part in all this.

He started acting odd about 5 months ago. I found out around 6 weeks ago that he had signed up for a dating service and had gone out. I confronted him and he didn’t lie - said he was tired of being lonely but hadn’t met anyone he liked. He was never really gone long enough to do a lot (he was easy to reach at work). However, I do believe he met someone but didn’t start a physical affair until a month ago when he really started acting weird.

Things like getting mad and leaving the house – calling and say he was going for a drive and would be back the next day. Telling me he didn’t like where we lived he wanted to sell the house and move … The list went “on and on”. The most confusing part was that in between these times he came, got me and drug me to bed telling me how much he had missed me and loved me. So, there were so many mixed messages I didn’t’ know if I was coming or going.

Then a week ago he rented an apt and said he needed time to him self to sort things out. He has called every other day and when he leaves messages it’s not in an angry tone – just the opposite. He called and wants to come over and go to dinner.

He was supposed to go in for minor surgery this week (that I was going to drive him to) but he told me it had been canceled. Well, the hospital called to confirm and it hasn’t been canceled. This means he has “someone” else to take care of him. I mean this is what I “thought, felt, sensed” but I think it’s the first time I have really come to “grips” with it.

Question – should I just say I know what’s going on? Pretend everything is fine and tell him I will take him since it’s not cancelled or? I’m not good at playing games but I don’t want to start a war right now either.

Thanks,

bestfriends

{{{{{{{{{Bestfriends}}}}}}}}}

You came to the right spot. I'm not really the person to give you the best advice, but I didn't want you going to bed tonight with no replies thinking that no one is listening. You are not alone in this.

Cerri, John39, Starfish and others I'm sure will be around tomorrow.. but for now, you need to get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Everything your ws(wayward spouse) is doing right now is in the book. It explains the addiction of an affair, and how the ws behaves very odd to us bs(betrayed spouses). But, the ws are in a fog. They are in the midst of an addiction that usually even they do not understand..

Go on line- go to a book store- get the book immediately so you understand. Also read everything you can on this website. It's so powerful. I'm amazed at what I've learned.

Post often and read everything is the best advice I have for you right now.

Until the "old timers" show up for more indepth of what you need to do, be good to yourself. Try and get sleep, nutrition and exercise.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

2bm

bestfriends,

I'm so horribly sorry for what you're going through. My first marriage ended because of an affair (I didn't even consider working out, just left and never looked back - not my advice to you) and I just feel sick for you. It's a terrible place to be.

That said, 2bm gave you advice I completely agree with. If your intent is to stay in this marriage, then you definitely need to be taking care of you right now, physically, emotionally, and spiritually (if that's your gig).

And you most definitely are not alone. I'm very new to this site and already I feel so much more supported than I did two days ago.

I'm reluctant to give you any actual advice because my current marriage is not troubled by an affair and I haven't done a lot of the reading that others on this site might have done. I really just replied to give you moral support. Sorry I can't be of more help, but just know that you will find many, many friends here who can give you wonderful advice.

Also remember that no matter what it might look like to you now, you will be okay. I hope you know that Jesus loves you! Good luck,

jenateare

bestfriends,
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. I am a WS and have been at this site for the past 5-6 weeks and have learned so much. IMHO (in my humble opinion) and experience, I would say he is having an A (affair). The lies, the changes in attitude, mood, habits, etc. are things I did during my A.
If you love him, this will be a very difficult time. Take care of yourself right now and be prepared for anything. I won't offer any other advice as I am still trying to repair my M (marriage). Seek the wisdom of posters like...Zorweb, Starfish, Cerri, John39, RandyRail, etc... You will receive a lot of insight from both WS and BS.

God Bless and Good Luck on your road ahead.

TTSMM

Well,

He called and said it must be a mistake (and they have done that before - but this time I don’t think it is) so he said he will call them straighten it out.

I don’t’ understand wouldn’t this be the “perfect” time to just say – I have someone else and it’s over? I would think this would be the perfect opportunity to just “say it”! I know if it was me and I wanted to end the relationship I would take this chance and “run with it”.

Thanks,

bestfriends

Click on the link in my signature line. If you are not married, perhaps you should add "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" to the suggested reading list.

With the exception of the moving out and the dating service part your H's behaviour sounds not unlike my own H's. I knew it in my gut. I confronted him one day on my way out to work, told him I knew about the A and we'd talk about it when I got home. Guilt written all over his face. I only last an hour at work, just drove around most of the day in a daze. I should have stayed home because by the time I got home he had decided to deny it. Got pee'd at me called me crazy. The hidden call display box in the basement had about 6 calls from her displayed for that day. Skip to a week later, we went out to dinner and before the meal came I layed it on the line. I bluntly said" I know, it doesn't matter how I know, I want you to chose right now, it's her or me and the kids." Bam, he finally admitted.

So my advice to you is for one, stay face to face with him.(you can usually read the lie on one's face) Go with your gut and lay it on the line to him.

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. I know what the anxiety attacks feel like but they won't go away until you deal with it. In the meantime focus on taking care of yourself, keep your head high and your shoulders back.

As for the appointment, I would be tempted to sit outside the place where he is going just to see if he shows up with someone else.