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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 10
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 10 |
I had to find out and I did. Now that I know I don't know how to confront him about it because all he'll do is lie. I am so angry! I think I knew before I had the proof but I think I was just dening it. I didn't want to know! I'm a fool for even thinking he wouldn't cheat on me. I did all I could do. I am so angry I don't feel nothing but pain.
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 475
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 475 |
Sorry to hear this NotheOne. I think we've all been there. Read over the boards, especially the main MB site if you haven't. It might help you figure things out, I know it did for me. I got back and reread it constantly.
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 10
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 10 |
What do you do if he wont admit he's having an affair?
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,424
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,424 |
In my case, I never asked. I simply TOLD him that I knew he'd had A's. Gave him no opportunity to deny or argue with evidence. Be as calm as possible. (No, that's not easy.) If you can stand the delay, read SAA before the confrontation and/or schedule a phone session with one of the MB counselors. This will give you good advice on the best way to handle things. Don't let him draw you into a fight over "proving" the truth. Do what you can to make him feel that it's safe to tell you the truth.
Hard advice to take, but in the long run it will be better. Do you know if the A is still ongoing?
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
NTO please read What Are Plan A And Plan B? and the following post from Penny Tupy(Cerri), our resident MB coach and founder of Save Your Marriage Central regarding Plan A (pay special attention to the paragraph in bold letters): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.
Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."
Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a strategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.
So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.
First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.
Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.
Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.
ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)
Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.
(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
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And (more) recently:
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Plan A is not about being a nice guy. Plan A is about ending the affair.... being a nice guy is part of that, but only part. That's why confronting and exposing are crucial elements of Plan A... and if you're not doing those things then you can't really say that you're doing Plan A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Avoid using Love Busters like angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements and selfish demands for not only will they not work (especially in the long run) but will further damage your marriage. <small>[ July 24, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
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Joined: May 2002
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Another option is to spy and find proof before you confront him. Most WS's deny when confronted, to the point that one man even tried to convince his wife she was seeing things when she walked in on them. In any event, click on the link in my signature line. There is a lot there that will help you. The Plan A links are probably the most important for you to read now. But, you will have to confront him somehow. It is best to tell her husband, too, if she is married.
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